roller coasters and patience

i've been thinking a lot lately. actually, it would probably be more blog-worthy if i was able to stop thinking for awhile. and i have been playing around with that a little...but it's not what i'm writing about today.

i will say that i have been really, really stressed out lately. and i feel it. i feel the physical results of that stress. but i feel them for what they are--the result of being stressed out. i know i'm not handling my stress well, although i think it's a step in the right direction to at least see a little bit of a separation between whatever thoughts are running through my head, the stress, and my ability to handle this all differently, even if i'm not. although i am handling it differently because i am not wildly looking for things to blame this on. i am also rather suddenly able to let those that are close to me know when they're pissing me off...in a fairly direct and somewhat polite-ish way. and i think that's progress too. but i am not just working myself up in my head, looking for what is stressing me out. i'm at least able to know i'm stressed and try to figure out how best to handle the stress as well as what might be causing it. which may not sound distinguishable or even remarkable, but as a process, it feels like progress...like a step in the right direction...maybe i still have a long journey ahead, but it does feel like i'm at least on the right track, which i'll get back to in a minute.

but i want to say it is not like i've got this shit figured out, because i haven't. i know that i will not figure it out tomorrow either...or probably even the next day. it may take a lifetime. which means i need patience. which exasperates me a bit, i'll be honest. but i can exasperatedly accept that patience is what i need, where i need to be resting, turning to, growing myself. and once i reached that place, this song started playing in my head....

(can you believe this was guns n roses singing at the grammies almost twenty years ago? wow... i dressed up as axel rose one year for halloween...)

anyway...that was last night that the patience song started playing in my head. then i spoke to my friend jeanni this morning. let me tell you...sometimes i talk to that woman and it is like a cool, clear glass of water after hiking for hours. like you didn't even know you were thirsty but it still quenches you somewhere so deep down, you can't stop drinking. and she shared this quote with me about roller coasters. i was telling her about how sometimes we set things in motion in life...things that can take years to see them play out, if we ever truly see how they play out. and i can understand appreciating and living in the moment. but sometimes, i was telling jeanni, i'd like a little smile from the universe that it's at least going okay...a little nod that things are headed in the right direction...wherever that is. so she shared this quote i'll have to paraphrase because i can't find it online...

it was talking about how life is a roller coaster. how there is thrill, and color, and excitement. how we are drawn into it...maybe we like it, maybe we don't. how we start to live on the roller coaster, forgetting that, ultimately, it's a ride. it ended by saying that when people come along to remind us it's only a ride, we kill them.

which about slayed me. (we are jesus-y girls, jeanni and i, so that's who we were thinking of primarily, although we both mentioned that he wasn't the only one to ever try to remind us it's just a ride.)

i also talked to my friend who makes music. she texted me on my phone yesterday to wish me a happy thanksgiving and tell me she was thankful for me. imagine that...someone as beautiful and wise and amazingly talented as her being thankful for crazy, needy, off key me. it was definitely a high point. so i talked to her today, too.

i can be patient...i can. it is difficult, but i can be. and it strikes me that when i decide to surrender and not just talk about being patient, but truly try to be patient, i have these moments of contact with these incredible people who really end up encouraging me on that leg of the journey, even though they didn't know i was traveling that direction. it is one of the most beautiful and delightful parts of this amazing journey.
peace

full moon

today, during o's soccer practice, while i was talking to the rest of the parents, we all watched and appreciated the shift from a lovely day into a beautiful evening. it was so cool...i've talked to these parents all season. but tonight, we talked politics. let me say, i live in a small, conservative town in texas...i don't talk politics...not with people i haven't known for at least a year, if not a decade. but tonight was different. i listened a lot before i spoke...but it was neat to listen to them all. and then we'd all stop for awhile to take in the night...and then the conversation would go on.

things have been really busy lately. and at times like this, a lot gets shifted aside. but there are some things that are just a part of life. and just because i haven't had time to put them into words doesn't mean they weren't shifting, too...changing me...making life richer. but it's funny, to me, to appreciate what i can't name. my friend ken did a blog awhile back where he said that upon observing a beautiful sunset with a friend, probably the best way to put it into words would be to point and say, "ugh." that made me laugh. but it is so true sometimes... i guess the true test is whether you're sharing space with someone who would have a clue what "ugh" meant. but i feel like i've been fortunate enough to share space with people who just might get it...and give a lot back in return.

there are so many things i'd like to talk about...my kids...my spouse...my family and friends. hsing. the co-op. church. but something inside of me just says it's not time to try to put these things into words yet. and i am trying so hard to respect it...because it's not that difficult to force these fingers to type something....anything... but i will wait til it's time...

peace

practice makes better, right?

yeah, i'm throwing "perfect" out of my vocab...

so, since i began organizing a homeschooling co-op in my area, i have had lots and lots and LOTS of opportunities to practice handling my anger in a productive, level-headed, present and aware kind of way. now...i said practice. not the kind where i do my ideal over and over. more like when my kids practice their musical pieces and after hearing them stop, start, make a mistake, hit the wrong note, back up a few notes, proceed a few more, make another mistake, stop, back up a couple...well, maybe you can hear some faint idea of what they might be trying to play...kind of embarrassing when they announce it was "hot cross buns" or something like that...but that is what i've kind of been looking like this week. only no one watching me has any idea how long i've been playing this instrument, so that helps...sort of.

today my church turned us down on hosting our co-op. (we still need a location) i really can't call it "my" church, because while it is the church i attend on sundays, it is not the church in which i am registered as a member. (something i mentioned at today's meeting and my spouse later told me i should not have mentioned...live and learn) my spouse was really pretty upset that we were turned down. but i was not so much. i think i am getting quite used to not getting my way and learning to wait for the opportunity that is coming that will blow everything wide open. i suppose it's a bit of faith.

speaking of which... now that i've finished his dark materials, i'm back to reading simplicity by richard rohr. here are the passages i really enjoyed last night and need a place to record them for posterity.

The act of our faith consists in donating and giving away what we don't yet have--that's what makes it faith. This is hard for us to understand: how can I give away something that I don't even have? Nevertheless I go out and heal others, even though I myself am not yet healed. I heal them through my brokenness, not through my power! A church community that doesn't include an outwardly directed service for others, a service extending beyond itself, is simply not a Church, it's not Christ. It's psychology or false transcendence. That doesn't mean that psychology is a bad thing; it just isn't the same thing.

I believe that what we all need is wisdom. I'm very disappointed that we in the Church have passed on so little wisdom. Often the only thing we've taught people is to think that they're right--or that they're wrong. We've either mandated things or forbidden them. But we haven't helped people to enter upon the narrow and dangerous path of true wisdom. On this path we take the risk of making mistakes. On this path we take the risk of being wrong. That's how wisdom is gained. On the spiritual path the enemy isn't pain; it's fear of pain. We haven't become wise because we're so afraid of pain.

We'll never conquer evil if we launch a frontal assault. If we do that we may incorporate into ourselves the energy and the weapons of evil. We can end up turning into what we hate. That's why Jesus told us we have to love our enemies, otherwise we become just like them. Hitler is thought to have said that the wonderful thing about Nazism was that all those who directly attacked it became fascists themselves in the process.

The third poverty the Bible speaks of is the poverty of a simple and humble life. It is the challenge of living simply, of placing our hope and our trust in god and in other people instead of in material things. Because we never learned to take that seriously, in either the Catholic or the Protestant tradition, we have fallen prey to the totalitarian systems of this century that always force us to do what Jesus asks us to do freely. Communism tries to enforce equality, Nazism tries to enforce security and solidarity within a group, fundamentalist religion tries to shame and psychologically coerce people into an "only way." The biblical God seems to just call us to simplicity and patience, which keeps us outside of every totalitarian big system or overarching explanation. It looks as if God always takes the risk of freedom: God too demands, but then God simply waits. God waits as long as necessary until we can love of our own free will. God is not only modest, God is also very patient. The political systems of this world have no patience.

that last paragraph really got me. my father was one hell of a drunk when i was younger. my stepmother left him when i was sixteen years old. they were separated for ten years before they remarried each other. i think about five years into that separation, my grandmother finally got in my father's face one afternoon as he was stumbling...my little german grandmother, who could be meaner than hell and induce a guilt trip in under three seconds, but who hardly ever said really ugly things about anyone...and told my father he was nothing but a fucking drunk. and the fact that he shared that story with me later tells me how much it shook him. he still drank for a long time. he was forty-three and in jail on his second or third dui when it occurred to him that drinking wasn't getting him where he wanted to be. i always hold that in my hand...for those times when i wonder if my sons will ever learn to (fill in the blank)...that my dad was forty-three. but he did finally get it. i don't know why that buoys me, but it does, and that is enough for me to hold on....and try to cultivate a little more patience.

peace