quick stop

i am too tired for a full blog, but let me put these two things that've been bumping around in my head lately...

a couple of definitions...

love delight in; admire; greatly cherish

obedient submissive; dutiful

(i had to use the second definition on both of those because the first broke the rule against using a word to define itself...sheesh, even my philosophy kiddos know better than that!...)

okay, and then this last thing...talking to my friend christian last night...he's a recovering alcoholic and addict...for the first two years of being sober, he thought he was supposed to trust in a higher power for help solving his problems. turns out, the wording on the manual said he was supposed to trust in a higher power to solve his problems. he said, "hey, that's not the same thing...i think i know where i'm fucking this up." and that killed me...just killed me. it is the most hilariously brilliant thing i've heard someone say, well, at least in the last two days.

and that's all i got...
peace out

early morning blogging

with all this change in schedule this semester, i can't find a rhythm for blogging. i like to blog at night...kind of wipe the slate clean so i can sleep easily, but i'm usually too tired by then. but this early stuff? i mean, i haven't even poured the coffee yet... it feels weird. kind of choppy. not too coherent and what if my buffer goes out? who knows what i could post here?

ok, so i poured coffee...and it disturbs me. it disturbs me that without any caffeine in my system, i don't think so well. as i was pouring, i was thinking about how the sun comes up earlier now than it did a month ago. my teen used to watch it come up on the way to his class, but now, it's already up when he leaves. and that made me think about "springing ahead"...and i cannot figure out if that will make it daylight sooner or later?...i mean, if what was eight is now nine after we spring ahead?...if the sun comes up at seven, which will be eight?...if i wake up at six, which will then be seven?...oh hey, i get it. but i couldn't figure it out earlier, k?

maybe blogging in the morning isn't my thing...
peace

decisions, decisions

so i was going to come on here and post these two beyonce songs that i am surprised by how much i really, really like. there wasn't much of a story to go with them...other than i spend A LOT of time in the car lately and so i think A LOT about music. but maybe later...

then i thought about posting about how many people told me happy birthday yesterday, on my actual birthday. and then there was a call the day before and a call today, too...so it was crazy cool to hear from so many folks...fun times.

my conversation with my dad today--he's the one who called to wish me happy day after my birthday--was blog-worthy, i think. i love him. and he was actually trying to impart some wisdom, quizzing me on what i'd say in certain situations he's handled at work....it was kind of fun. i mean, i was mostly wrong, but i did learn some stuff...

i've also been thinking a lot about the responsibility of marriage and the responsibility of parenting and how hard it is to balance the two when you have both responsibilities... but, kids are kids and adults are adults...so i guess that's kind of clear to me.

and i COULD do another whine about how busy i am...there's ALWAYS that to talk about...

oh, and i did get on the treadmill today. two miles. that felt good. really, really good. and i had a few musings while on there (after thinking last night about how i hadn't had treadmill musings in FOREVER...).

and my spouse cut my hair today...like five inches gone. and that feels amazing.

but i really think all i have to say is 35 isn't so bad.

peace

hard times

i am sitting here, listening to my nine year old sing the eye of the tiger. which in a moment, could be a pretty powerful thing...but considering this is the ninth time i'm hearing this...not so much. i guess he's having a hard time getting past this song on guitar hero...

i am tired. i am worn out. we are just too busy lately. and it's not like i am getting things done in a smashing successful fashion...which is what i used to imagine when i'd listen to mamas talk about how much crap they were cramming into a week...surely their houses were cleaned, meals cooked, and their children had clean underwear, too, right? why did i assume that? what an ass...

now i know differently. we officially have somewhere to be each day of the week, except for saturday. but i did get my third born signed up for soccer...so at least i won't have to listen to him whine about his lack of opportunity to be completely over scheduled. every one's equally over scheduled according to their ability and our saturdays will be gone once soccer starts. oh, but i was talking about how now i know differently...how i know now that those women's houses were probably trashed, their meals probably served out of styrofoam, and their kids were probably wearing their underwear inside out (if their mama taught them properly) or going commando (i actually listened to my two oldest kids discussing when was the last time they went commando...it was a lot more recently than i would've thought...but i don't normally think about it, so i guess that statement isn't exactly true). anyway, our house isn't too bad, i am doing a fair amount of cooking, and they all just got a few pairs of clean underwear handed to them earlier today, so i feel like i am on a roll.

but i am so tired. and i just don't feel like i have much stamina lately. i wonder if it's the vitamins? the lack of running? something in the air? the-rapist told me the other day it was just life. remember when kids would finally figure out walking, but then forget all their words ? then eventually they could walk and talk...but it took awhile to get it all going together? and i understood what she was saying...we're all learning lots of new stuff right now. how to wake up and not be pissy with each other. how to make sure homework gets done without being pissy to each other. how to be on the road a lot more without getting pissy. hang out in different groups now that we always seem to be minus at least one if not more...yes, and not get pissy about it. we are worn out with trying to not take out these adjustments on each other, i guess. because these kids are sleeping hard at night. and so are these parents.

so...dependent arising...it means the emptiness of inherent existence. when things inherently exist, they are what they are, and they can't be changed by outside things...that would negate their self arising. so everything is dependent arising...and everything is empty of inherent existence. i know this is working up to some big things...but since i'm kind of excited to get a grip on what these concepts even mean, i don't mind waiting a few hours or a day til i can read more. i do think that it is pretty exciting to see everything as dependent arising...and knowing that emptiness of inherent existence is not the same as nonexistent, it seems that everything is going to be, in some way, a collection of everything else. but maybe that's too jumbled up. the dalai lama seems much more adept at teasing out more specific concepts. it's good stuff.

peace

my car ride today

here's the first song i heard that made my toes curl (this is an involuntary reaction caused by something some part of me responds to before i'm even aware of what's going on...usually it's music...sometimes it's sex...but these days, it's usually music...hehe)



and posting this makes me realize that my toe curling to this song is kind of hijacked, because usually about a minute into it, i remember that the song i really love by led zepplin is this one... (and i'm telling you, this hijacking has been occurring for probably almost twenty years)


which, oddly enough, makes me think of my best friend from high school, patsy. her partner is pregnant and they just found out yesterday they're expecting twins. now, this is definitely something that makes my toes curl and my eyes tear up, too. i don't know why my joy is so strong with this particular pregnancy...god knows i get excited about all of the pregnancies i get to hear about...but i am overjoyed for them. oh, the reason this is odd is because these are two songs patsy and i used to listen to over and over in the first years of our friendship.

i really am okay. reading about dependent arising kind of cracked things open for me...and the words are all scattered...hard to bring a few together and make a sentence to frame these huge concepts i keep zooming back to see, then zooming in to understand...but heh, when you zoom in and it's all still so new, you have no idea where you are in the whole of it all. i keep wondering if i can explain it in my own words at all. the idea that nothing exists independently...you cannot find a whole that exists independently of its parts...the whole is dependent on the parts and the parts on the whole. three methods...cause, parts, and thought...or something like that. tomorrow, i'll harvest some quotes and see if i can't make a dent in it.

oh, here's another one...the second song by jason mraz i've heard this week...i actually recognized it as his voice. which i think is remarkable since i'd only just heard him last week and had only heard that song twice...lucky that one was called.


peace

stream of consciousness

today's highlights....

...this is cool hanging out with the teen...almost makes getting up at six okay...mmm, these scones are good...

...wow, i haven't heard this led zepplin song in forever...oh, and now it's spin doctors, i love this song, too...i wonder if some of these eighteen wheelers realize just how fucking big they are?...

...must chat with the kids about playing video games and ignoring their clipboards...whew, that went better than i thought it would...whaddya mean "should i do my math work?"...maybe they just don't listen to a damn thing i say...where are the scones?...

...pick a category for book club...check out some great pictures of cooking at co-op...darn, those kiddos are cute...i should take pics of my classes...facebook...cyber tribe...love...love...love...

...oh shit, piano...we're late...let me stop vacuuming and get everyone in the car...grab dalai lama book on the way out...dependent arising? have i read that before?...oh yes...now i remember...sorta...

...home...bake cookies...kids outside--hurray!...hubby home...laundry...computer...so many blogs i've composed in my head...no brain cells left to write full sentences...thoughts still clamoring to spill out...best i can do...james joyce is rolling in his grave...

...peace...

ps--here's something i've been thinking of lots this week. a quote by someone else, so it's really good...

"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

-Trina Paulus, Hope for the Flowers (which i've never read, but this quote was in kids are worth it, which i read periodically...)

parents and church

so, while seeing the-rapist today...i hit on something. she was all laid back in her chair, listening, and then when i finally got on a track, on this track specifically, she sat up and started writing.

see, i've been struggling with church. and my friend jen posted this quote about how church is meant to be participated in, not consumed. (it was much more eloquent, but that's the gist of what spoke to me.) i don't really like the church i've been going to. but i don't feel called to the other church either. i've always been kind of a "go to the nearest catholic church" kind of gal. well, since i became catholic, which was eleven years ago...so for eleven years, i've been a...you know what i'm saying.... but the pastors at this church...i just don't get what they're saying a lot of the time. i mean, i understand saying something and meaning something by it, but something totally different can be interpreted...i get that. and i try to give them the benefit of the doubt, whenever i can find the room. but some of the things these guys say...i feel like they teach a worship and devotion that is mindless...that doesn't make sense on any level, but that you're just supposed to power through. they don't ever talk about a natural draw to that mystery...ever discuss the natural appeal of jesus...just how he established his authority and how we should run if we ever happen to witness someone doing the things jesus did. they never teach us how to discern, or question, or think about the mystery...just to be grateful for it, obey it, and tell others about it. and they seem so lost themselves sometimes...hopeless, really bogged down by negativity.

now i realize this may just be their personalities. and i try really hard not to be judgmental...to ask more of myself than i ask of them when i'm trying to listen to their homilies and understand what they're trying to teach. because i'm an adult, you know?

but the way they explain our relationship to God, it's so one sided...God is great, we are worms. and that bothers me. because i've been a parent for over fourteen years...longer than i've been catholic...and never have i felt my children are so far below me. i realize God is God. but why would God create humans to be so far below, so unworthy? i mean, i know these are human terms used to try to define something very not human...and that these terms reflect the views of the humans as much as their actual experience with God. but it's just been difficult to be journeying my own path of parenting, and my path of spirituality in my culture that compares my relationship to the Ultimate Creator with a parent/child relationship and then places the child so far below the parent.

i think this is why buddhism appeals to me so much. but i don't think christianity has to come off like this. what i told my the-rapist was that sometimes christians just paint God as such a punitive parent...and as i don't use punishment often, if at all, in my relationship with my kids, this christian punitive aspect is not jiving with me. and i feel a little adrift... which means i also feel like my kids are kind of adrift... and that's just not a comfortable spot for me.

so she prayed with me as i left. we don't do that together often. but today, i guess she felt it was a good idea. and it was. because i know the answers to this dilemma for me will come...with time and patience and probably some interviewing of some sort...but the answers will come. it was really was nice to have someone journey into the mystery with me, even if it was just for sixty seconds or so.
peace