busy week

started with a virus infection on my computer. guess it makes me super lucky to say i don't think i've ever had one of those...up until monday. and it was everything everyone else makes it out to be...sucky...scary...annoying. many people will share with you their ideas about the mental depravity of people who create viruses and sometimes even the punishments they feel they deserve...but mostly, i'm just damned glad there are folks out there who know how to fix this stuff. and yes, i realize they very well may be the ones who create the problems...but either way, i was a little uncomfortable with how much i depend on my computer. (not that the discomfort has stopped me from being on here, obviously....)

i also picked my nephews up on monday, took them to the rock climbing gym so they could climb and work out with my kiddos, met the mister there, and came home and ate dinner.

tuesday...my oldest turned fifteen. that was probably enough to wear a mother (pregnant at thirty-five...have i mentioned this?) out for the week alone, but it we also took pizza to our swim night with some of our friends, and then had everyone over to our house for cake and ice cream afterwards. the teens were totally cool and hung out in my son's bedroom and listened to music and talked and such...it was kind of cute and kind of weird--in a flashback omg i just threw up in mouth a little they really are growing up and i kind of remember this yep just threw up in my mouth a little again kind of way. fun times. hung out til almost one in the morning... i think it meant a lot to him and he was touched in that i'm fifteen and not going to get emotional but i'm also still a little bit of a boy and well, it was just obvious to me.

wednesday was a hang out day. it was also the day i took my computer to get it fixed. we also bought ice cream while we were out because it is just too damned hot to make it through a day without ice cream lately...and i don't even really like ice cream, but in the middle of the day, ice water just isn't cold enough sometimes. so we really took care of business on wednesday. then went to my bil and sil's for homemade hamburgers and homemade fries...good, good stuff. came back home and there were actual tears over my nephews leaving the next day. my kids have grown up with these guys...they're almost a little more like brothers than cousins if not for the vastly different parenting styles and home lives they have. but despite those differences (and believe me, those differences bring a number of challenges), these guys really have arrived at a place of love and trust and respect and joy together. it makes me both amazingly happy and incredibly sad at the same time. which i guess makes it truly authentic...

and then yesterday, i took my nephews home. that, in itself, was an adventure.

OH! i forgot to mention the part where cops were banging on our door, waking us up and shining huge flashlights in our windows at two thirty thursday morning...that was crazy. talk about disorienting. we almost called the cops on the cops. but then the cops called us to tell us they were the cops and could we come outside and talk to them?... ended up being kids running the neighborhood (no, not ours, though the thought DID cross my mind...) and the officer saw the interior lights on in both of our cars. which means someone was in there. but i'm sure once whoever opened the door saw what they looked like inside, they figured they weren't the only ones trashing cars that night and someone else had gotten there before us. they didn't even steal my spouse's cell phone (which my sister keeps saying is from 1980...but obviously turned out to be pretty handy in the anti-theft arena...) that was sitting right out in the open.

so that was my week. well, it's friday today and the mister has stayed home to get stuff done around the house. so he's got the fifteen year old at best buy (he DID run by home depot first) and i'm on the computer blogging...i think i'm beginning to understand why our house is so far behind it requires the doc to spend a day at home organizing...not that we're getting too far...well, that's what i'm starting to understand...yeah...ok...even my thoughts are getting disorganized. better get back to my closet...

peace

breathing

yes, i'm still around. yes, i've been thinking about lots. no, there hasn't been time to blog about any of it. yes, i've already forgotten most of it. i'm just still so tired these days.

it feels funny talking about being pregnant. i mean, i am and stuff...i know this. but after not telling anyone for...six weeks?...it's just kind of weird being out of the closet. i feel like i don't even remember how to do this. if my stomach's empty, i'm nauseous. if i eat too much, i'm nauseous. and i am not doing a very good job of finding the balance. and it doesn't help that food is just so appealing these days. a fried egg on a piece of toast this morning almost made me cry it was so good...but then lots of things almost make me cry. it is fun trying to hold my head up and maintain some dignity when i feel kind of silly that everything, for one reason or another, makes me want to cry. but i don't cry...much...

it was funny. last night, my spouse walked in the door...and it's just been such a busy semester (yada yada) and we'd had a busy weekend with friends visiting and the kids were grumpy and the teen was angsty and attitudinal and dh walked in at just the moment that i was thinking i'd really like to just cry about this to him. do you understand how rare that is? for him to actually walk in the door at the minute i'm thinking about talking to him? this almost never happens. so when i saw him, i started crying. (i'm cracking up at myself here) and he said, "oh, i'm sorry, i can leave if you want..." and that made me cry more. it was kind of sweet and pathetic and i'm just glad that moment's over.

yeah, so that's where i am. and the semester is really pretty much over. i don't have to spend six hours on the road picking my teen up from his dual enrollment class anymore. today was his last day. yes, this makes me so happy i want to cry. but tomorrow is also the last day of co-op for the semester. and the next day is the last piano lesson til the fall. and the last soccer practice of the season got rained out. and i cannot even begin to express in words how different this feels. like the lightening off my chest almost hurts, it's so huge... and the feeling of freedom truly is just about intoxicating. i am very proud of all we accomplished this school year...it was an incredible ride. we worked damned hard and, yes, it makes me cry to think about how impressed i am with my kiddos...and myself, too. but i am so, so, SO looking forward to resetting a few priorities...getting back to center in the home...with the family...preparing for the new arrival, taking care of each other, and doing some reading and artsy stuff together, playing lots outside, seeing folks we love.

yeah, i'm wiping a tear or two. :)
peace

ps--am i the only one who thinks it's weird that spell check flagged "angsty" but not "attitudinal"? just wondering...

prayers on a busy day

today's been kind of...busy....eventful...something like that.

i woke up and got to chat with a friend online. that was good stuff. she's going camping, but i'm not so jealous i don't still like her lots. (i will camp this summer, i will camp this summer...)

once i picked up teen at his dual enrollment class, i decided that i was going to get some stuff accomplished. but my sister called first to tell me that my aunt is in the icu...with meningitis. my cousins are my kids ages...well, her older daughter is ten months older than my oldest and her younger daughter is a week older than my second born. and their mama's in the icu...and can barely remember who she is or where she is. so some prayers for her, please...my aunt lori.

then we ran our errands. teen was not too happy once we finished because he's decided he doesn't need to eat breakfast. which i don't agree with...but i don't get to agree with everything he chooses and i'm alright with that. but when i decide to run an hour's worth of errands...ok, maybe an hour and a half...and he's starving and grouchy as hell by the end, well, then i feel his choice is inconvenient. much in the way he felt mine was inconvenient. it's so hard when you aren't the one driving the car. and i empathize with that. but i also know he'll have much time to be the one driving in his future, so i've let it go. plus, once he ate, he was back to normal.

but get this...i load everyone in the car, thinking we're running late to piano, so i've got that extra edge to my voice...we need to hurry kind of thing. we back down the driveway and something in the universe shifts and i ask teenager, "isn't piano at 2?" he says, "yeah, i think so." so i ask, "then why are you letting me run everyone out the door and load us up as though it's at 1?" he thought i'd gotten a call or something. children are so trusting. even when they know we're nutso. so i drove back up the driveway and my youngest shouts, "well, that was a short trip!"

oy...i'm going to skip the part about talking to my mother and the way things are going with her and my stepfather...it was a two hour conversation, but i just don't have the energy to even summarize it. we DID, however, pick up teenager's glasses. and the wonderful woman at the glasses place even fixed his spare pair that we didn't even buy there. i was and still am very, very grateful.

oh, and speaking of gratitude...my bil and sil sponsored my oldest for his robotics trip. once i let go of some of my fear, things work out amazingly well. once i know longer try to be the only one in control, it seems others find room to step in...and then it is so much better.

so prayers for aunt lori...and my little niece is still in the nicu...getting better, but still there. maybe the week after easter she'll get to come home.

peace

circles of light watching

still here. left foot, right foot, breathe.

i will say i've been thinking a lot about responsibility and commitment. we are dragging through the end of this semester. and finishing it out is what seems right to me. but sometimes, this little part of my brain says, "maybe you should just stop...you never know when to say 'no'...maybe this is one of those times." but i don't think so. a few more weeks, and we'll have completed this crazy assed, over scheduled, exhausting, draining semester. and what will we have accomplished? well, i'm still thinking that one over... i mean, there are obvious answers, but i'm trying to see the larger picture...and that's kind of hard to do when your eyes are crossing from exhaustion and fed-uppedness. (i just made that word up...you know, in case you couldn't tell)

but the teen and i have seen through some tough times this past week. a few episodes of him being pretty unhappy with me...the first time, i owned what he was saying. and didn't let myself take it all personally...taking constructive criticism, particularly when delivered with the tact of a fourteen year old, is not my best thing. but given the intense love and respect i have for this particular fourteen year old, i am incredibly motivated to get better at it. and this past week, i felt a little better at it than absolutely sucky...and i feel this is real progress. the second time, i gave him a little of the same honesty in return...but made sure he understood i didn't feel he was responsible for how i felt...that i just wanted him to know i was a little "done" with this particular situation too...that feeling "done" as i did, yet having to hear how "done" he feels over and over...well, that it wasn't helping my "done"ness very much...and that i don't know exactly how to make the "done"ness any better, and that thus far, the only advice i have is to grit your teeth and keep going. which i feel he took rather well, as i still got a massage later in the evening...so truly, i think he took it damned smashingly well.

eleven year old has a robotics comp of his own coming up next weekend. i am thrilled for him and excited to get to be the total parent/spectator at this event. he has shown a lot of focus and enthusiasm and i can't wait to see the end result for him. i can't even begin to understand what he's done...but i am ready to see how it works.

nine year old is rocking the soccer world...well, in my evaluation, he is. this does not mean his team wins a lot...it means they are greatly improving and still loving it. the best kind of success, in my experience.

and five year old...he is reading like crazy, noticing words and asking questions about language...i love watching that awareness light up. he also ended up in my bed this morning...and while it stretched my older body (older than when i used to sleep with them full time, i mean), it was nice.

lots of light all of a sudden. thank blog...

peace

busy, busy, busy

and feeling overwhelmed. we're making it through, we're doing it (kind of like that feeling when you first stay up on a bike...i didn't learn to ride til i was eleven, so that one is particularly etched in my brain...), but i am looking forward to a break.

this past week i...

went to a funeral for my grandmother. it was a really nice funeral. we always laugh at funerals in that family...everyone gets a little manic, i think, to be honest. i mean, there are tears, too. it was good to hear such great memories and stories about my grandmother. it is a weird feeling to attend a funeral for someone that alzheimer's has been slowly taking away over the last decade. my grandmother was such a difficult woman when i knew her...it was really neat to hear stories of the woman she was before i knew her. it was a letting go even though it's been a gradual letting go for so long...but at the same time, there was so much receiving i didn't expect. i am glad i went.

got a baby niece. she was born tuesday. she had her first major surgery on wednesday....to repair a bowel obstruction. they removed a little over half of her intestines...but her prognosis is very good. i am sure her parents feel much like those little chamois you run through those rollers at the car wash to get all the water out of them so you can go back to drying the car...but really, really relieved and grateful chamois, you know?

figured out how to get my oldest to a rock climbing competition (almost four hours away) and my third born to his soccer game (and soccer pictures) at almost the same exact time on saturday morning. my spouse will still be at work at that same exact time, just to explain why i'm so damned impressed with myself. but really, the credit goes to my bil for agreeing to take my oldest to the comp. you know what? i'm going to give myself a little credit, too, for asking him. i'm still a little mortified that i asked for something so big, but the relief when he said yes is so much greater than the mortification...

and that's all i'm going to blog about... really, i came here to post that even though i feel wiped out, stressed out, worn out, and strung out a lot lately...i can still be stopped and moved by the beauty of life, whatnot. a mama posted about kd lang singing leonard cohen's "hallelujah" in my cyber tribe and i just had to you tube it...it.is.beautiful. (i wanted to say, i know the people waving in the background of her singing is annoying, but i spent a lot of time watching you tube clips of kd lang singing this one yesterday, and i just loved her voice and the sound quality of this one...even though visually, it is so distracting...and dar, i sat here crying listening to it again this morning...thanks for sharing it)


and here's an indigo girls song off their new cd (which i have and i like a lot...it's a little more mellow than their few previous, but there are some beautiful songs on there...like this one...i love the part at the end when she says the one she's waiting for is me...well, her, not me...ugh, just listen)


so there's my week in review. i get to stay home this weekend and aside from soccer, i don't have many commitments. well, i have robotics and such, but i have big blocks of time i can use to get caught up on all the stuff that's sat and waited while i was running around crazy the last few weeks.

peace out

want some cheese?

because i'm gonna whine, ok?

i am tired. today was just one of those days where there are a million things to do. today, i...

--woke at six thirty, made coffee and made sure teen was in the shower.
--got lessons ready for the day and clipboards loaded for the week while the rest of the kids got dressed and jacked around
--drove forty-three miles with three kids to pick up teen from class, then turned around and drove forty-three miles to get home
--moved around laundry
--made lunch
--helped kids get settled with lessons (or, uh, so i thought...)
--ran to therapy
--ran through the grocery
--came home and did more laundry...and then folded about eight or nine loads of laundry
--got little ones to put their laundry away (again, or so i thought...but that comes later)
--started getting my stuff ready for co-op classes tomorrow
--came across notice for verification of dependents for insurance
--noticed that after my name, it said "unverified"
--called to see exactly what i needed to be verified
--was told only a marriage license would do
--could NOT find marriage license
--found out that i can't order one online in my county (even though i got my marriage license in my state's capital...wtf?)...so the nice woman gave me the address to mail my $6 to so i can get this license and not be without insurance even though my husband works and we're married and why the hell does my insurance company need my damned marriage license?!?! whatever...
--saw teen off to rock climbing team practice
--took other kids to soccer practice for nine year old
--froze butt off in cold wind while chatting with a mama about soccer (thank god sexy spouse came to tag me out so i could come home and finish getting ready for co-op tomorrow)
--moved around teen's laundry (because yes, i am that nice)
--got stuff ready for co-op
--managed to not have a conniption when i realized nine year old had done none of his school work, but thank god had at least done his co-op homework
--helped spouse (who was no longer so sexy to me) cook dinner
--got littles to empty the dishwasher, which they are supposed to do daily without reminders, but this is not going off so well lately...
--got settled to watch lost, had littles put away a little more laundry, made the huge mistake of going into their closet to find all the laundry they were supposed to have put away in stacks on the floor of their closet (which is where it all was, dirty, three days ago)...almost completely lost it...yelled some, explained some, helped put away some...resolved to follow through with this for a few more days (which is much more productive than the tantrum i was gearing up for awhile there to throw...but it still leaves me a little empty for not throwing the tantrum...what can i say?)
--did dishes and reloaded dishwasher while watching the beginning of lost
--scratched five year old's back through the rest of lost
--i am done.

i realize the kids are probably slipping because i am slipping because we are all just flat out busy. it is hard to do everything we used to do as well as we used to do it when we have added all this other stuff to do. i told my the-rapist today that i understand i'm not doing much well right now because look at how much i'm trying to do...but it's not a whole hell of a lot of consolation, to be honest. just makes me feel kind of sucky at a hell of a lot of things. but LET ME TELL YOU.....i am learning shit loads. ask me about how i will prioritize next semester...go ahead, ask me...i am getting smarter and smarter about this stuff. the boundaries will be blazing next semester.

peace

decisions, decisions

so i was going to come on here and post these two beyonce songs that i am surprised by how much i really, really like. there wasn't much of a story to go with them...other than i spend A LOT of time in the car lately and so i think A LOT about music. but maybe later...

then i thought about posting about how many people told me happy birthday yesterday, on my actual birthday. and then there was a call the day before and a call today, too...so it was crazy cool to hear from so many folks...fun times.

my conversation with my dad today--he's the one who called to wish me happy day after my birthday--was blog-worthy, i think. i love him. and he was actually trying to impart some wisdom, quizzing me on what i'd say in certain situations he's handled at work....it was kind of fun. i mean, i was mostly wrong, but i did learn some stuff...

i've also been thinking a lot about the responsibility of marriage and the responsibility of parenting and how hard it is to balance the two when you have both responsibilities... but, kids are kids and adults are adults...so i guess that's kind of clear to me.

and i COULD do another whine about how busy i am...there's ALWAYS that to talk about...

oh, and i did get on the treadmill today. two miles. that felt good. really, really good. and i had a few musings while on there (after thinking last night about how i hadn't had treadmill musings in FOREVER...).

and my spouse cut my hair today...like five inches gone. and that feels amazing.

but i really think all i have to say is 35 isn't so bad.

peace

hard times

i am sitting here, listening to my nine year old sing the eye of the tiger. which in a moment, could be a pretty powerful thing...but considering this is the ninth time i'm hearing this...not so much. i guess he's having a hard time getting past this song on guitar hero...

i am tired. i am worn out. we are just too busy lately. and it's not like i am getting things done in a smashing successful fashion...which is what i used to imagine when i'd listen to mamas talk about how much crap they were cramming into a week...surely their houses were cleaned, meals cooked, and their children had clean underwear, too, right? why did i assume that? what an ass...

now i know differently. we officially have somewhere to be each day of the week, except for saturday. but i did get my third born signed up for soccer...so at least i won't have to listen to him whine about his lack of opportunity to be completely over scheduled. every one's equally over scheduled according to their ability and our saturdays will be gone once soccer starts. oh, but i was talking about how now i know differently...how i know now that those women's houses were probably trashed, their meals probably served out of styrofoam, and their kids were probably wearing their underwear inside out (if their mama taught them properly) or going commando (i actually listened to my two oldest kids discussing when was the last time they went commando...it was a lot more recently than i would've thought...but i don't normally think about it, so i guess that statement isn't exactly true). anyway, our house isn't too bad, i am doing a fair amount of cooking, and they all just got a few pairs of clean underwear handed to them earlier today, so i feel like i am on a roll.

but i am so tired. and i just don't feel like i have much stamina lately. i wonder if it's the vitamins? the lack of running? something in the air? the-rapist told me the other day it was just life. remember when kids would finally figure out walking, but then forget all their words ? then eventually they could walk and talk...but it took awhile to get it all going together? and i understood what she was saying...we're all learning lots of new stuff right now. how to wake up and not be pissy with each other. how to make sure homework gets done without being pissy to each other. how to be on the road a lot more without getting pissy. hang out in different groups now that we always seem to be minus at least one if not more...yes, and not get pissy about it. we are worn out with trying to not take out these adjustments on each other, i guess. because these kids are sleeping hard at night. and so are these parents.

so...dependent arising...it means the emptiness of inherent existence. when things inherently exist, they are what they are, and they can't be changed by outside things...that would negate their self arising. so everything is dependent arising...and everything is empty of inherent existence. i know this is working up to some big things...but since i'm kind of excited to get a grip on what these concepts even mean, i don't mind waiting a few hours or a day til i can read more. i do think that it is pretty exciting to see everything as dependent arising...and knowing that emptiness of inherent existence is not the same as nonexistent, it seems that everything is going to be, in some way, a collection of everything else. but maybe that's too jumbled up. the dalai lama seems much more adept at teasing out more specific concepts. it's good stuff.

peace

wanted to say

i barely have enough focus right now to get what i need to get done...done. i've also been a lot more active lately in cyber space, too... that said...i needed to come on here and say

I.FEEL.SO.MUCH.BETTER

i am still draining a little, but who cares? my whole face is not swollen on the inside and that is a raging success for me. i'm enjoying the healing.

also, i've been enjoying the oscar wilde quotes here lately...today's...

America had often been discovered before Columbus, but it had always been hushed up.

and yesterday's was about forgiving your enemies because it annoys the hell out of them. (i'm paraphrasing here.)

so it's been busy...a good kind of busy after a slow, healing weekend. i'm a little spinney in the head...but i think my feet are under me...i think

peace

note to myself...

i like today's oscar wilde quote...

Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.

ok, now my note...

it has been a really long week...and a busy one, too. oldest started classes an hour away. oldest also started rock climbing practice with the team on thursday evenings. oldest and third born started piano on wednesdays. i still need to call to begin second born's flute lessons. co-op starts next week as well as rock climbing class for the three bigs. and i need to register third born for soccer. oh, and second born turned eleven yesterday, which was a very cool, very successful celebration with friends and family and i am very grateful for those who love us here... all of that proceeding after a competition weekend (complete with teenage tantrum last friday) and it was quite a ride.

i think we are going to be able to do this schedule...i do. i don't think i'm kidding myself too much in thinking that. but i have to say that i am not sure where my treadmill time fits into this new schedule. and tonight, as i feel myself sort of vibrating with tension and maybe a tiny bit of anxiety, i realize that treadmill time is important and must be a priority to some degree. let me say this again (for myself) TREADMILL TIME IS IMPORTANT... otherwise i will be grouchy, tense, negative, unhappy, and probably not fit into the jeans i have. i will probably eat a bunch of crap to compensate, thus making me feel worse. i will want interaction but not have the patience for it. i will feel antsy and hungry for something, but not able to find what i want, thereby consuming many things...junk food, relationships, hours at the computer doing nothing, whatever gets in my path. i don't think i'm being overly pessimistic, and i realize that all of this will not happen at once. thank god it hasn't yet, anyway. but these are the things i think may be related to leading a quick paced life, trying to meet lots of people's needs, and having lots of thoughts about all of it, but when i only worry in my mind about things i cannot control, and do not give my body a physical outlet for some of that energy/worry, my body starts to come up with some crazy ideas about how to work it out... i think my eczema will flare, too. and considering i've only begun to settle the last flare up, it will not be pretty. trying to accomplish all i've listed while scratching my skin off in "unladylike" places would just be too much, i think... so, once again, TREADMILL TIME IS IMPORTANT.

ok, on a side note...a friend of mine from CAMP called me today to play this song we used to sing, "rainbow made of children" for me. it was funny, because the words were different and it was sung by a band...very different from the only way i'd ever heard it, which was with counselors and campers singing at flagpole...and i've heard it hundreds of times like that. turns out she'd bought the soundtrack to the billy jack movies and this song was on there. someone had changed the words a little and made it a CAMP song...which i found hilarious. so did she. this is probably one of the reasons we're friends... anyway, you tube didn't have the rainbow song on it, but they did have another song she played me called "one tin soldier". i used to sing this at the lutheran church camp i'd attend in the summers. it was really cool to hear it again and it cracked me up that it was on the billy jack soundtrack. sure enough, you tube came through...

peace

busy-ness

often in my head, as i'm trying to organize myself to get the next task accomplished, there's a busy signal going...as i'm already working on something. or maybe when i get ready to start a task, my head makes the same sound as a car that's being started that's already ON...you know, since i'm usually already doing something.

and i'm not sure what it is that allows my mind to wander for just a minute and then when it comes back decides we're going to get started on something NEW when we haven't finished the thing we were working before we wandered...you know?

it feels good to be busy. we've gotten a lot done this semester. i wonder sometimes how well we've gotten all that stuff done, but then i try to remember to just focus on the progress and lessons that i may not be able to measure...

it also feels good to not be busy...especially after months of being really busy. we went to our local hs park day yesterday and just hung out. i decided shortly after arriving that we'd leave when the kids asked to leave. so we were there for almost five hours. the weather was gorgeous. and these are kids my guys see weekly at co-op, chess club, robotics, rock climbing...but all these activities are focused and at least semi-structured, if not full blown structured. none of them are full out socializing activities. and let me tell you...watching the kids at park day yesterday was like watching adults at happy hour after a week at work. you could just see how gratifying it was to the kids...how relaxing and fun. it was a sharp contrast to their interactions during the week. not to say that they don't enjoy their more focused times together...i believe they do immensely. but we'd missed park days for a few weeks now and i think yesterday was just really something they needed. and it was awesome to be able to drive them there and watch it. and honestly, it was a happy hour for the mamas, too...

balance.... i think if i don't try too hard to find it, it just pops up at the right time. but then i worry if i think too much about it, it'll just get all out of whack again. but then luckily, my mind's already on the next issue--a grocery list--so i guess i won't chase it away...
peace