glub glub

i am tired. and life goes on. this is how it is with newborns...it's kind of coming back to me, but it's all so foggy, i guess it's just more of a vague dejavu feeling (and yes, spell check says that's spelled wrong, but i know that it's something like that, dammit). i feel like i'm living life underwater...like when you try to have a tea party at the bottom of the swimming pool, or try to say things underwater and see if the other person can understand you. my eyes burn like i've been in chlorine and often times i cannot understand what someone else is trying to say, so i just smile and nod and think "whatever." i mean really, i kept harping on having a newborn...at 35...with a teenager in the house...and a preteen. but i never even began to take into consideration the whole proximity to christmas issue. yeah...glub, baby, glub.

and i was thinking tonight how pregnancies and babies kind of stick you on a health kick whether or not you want one. how you can't drink or smoke when you're pregnant. you have to eat well...for two. and then after baby's born i mean...you can drink...but not a lot...and after nine months of being pregnant, i find it best to not tempt myself. and this baby does not do well when i eat dairy...like, she cries and grunts and is in pain. so really...no drinking, no smoking, and no dairy. i'm sitting here eating this "dairy free frozen iced dessert" which basically tastes like frozen chocolate water...mmm....but i've almost knocked out the whole pint.

really, i just needed to get those things out because they're really weighing me down...killing my buzz. i am wasted tired. and it is a lonely feeling no matter who you've got to talk to because, well, i think it just has to be. babies don't talk and so mamas have to be alone, get quiet, remember how to communicate in those other ways. when i watch her, i see her change her expressions when she sleeps. i see things that make me laugh out loud or get tears in my eyes. i watch her look like me, like her brothers, like her dad. i watch her take in her world. i can tell when she's looking at something or just zoning out, getting ready to fall asleep. i see her dance with sleep, in and around sleep. i love to watch her relax. my favorite is when she makes really passionate noises...not cries...almost like crying, but she pauses in between...to give me time to think about what she's said.

she likes the indigo girls. ask her biggest brother...he tries to play all kinds of music for her on his guitar, but the only thing that soothes her is closer to fine. her littlest big brother got to hold her standing up tonight...this was huge for him...i don't know why kids are so adamant to try the very things you ask them not to...he'd mention it every other day or so..."i can't wait until i'm big enough to hold the baby standing up"...but he did really well. one of her middle big brothers constantly refers to himself in the third person when he talks to her...i wonder sometimes if she wonders who he's talking about...even though i know she's not quite there yet...it just strikes me as funny. and her other middle big brother finally held her for the first time two nights ago, even though he's almost six years older than the littlest big brother ("he's the only brother who hasn't held her standing up...well, the only big brother who's ALLOWED to hold her standing up that is...i'm not allowed yet"). he doesn't talk to her too much...he's like me...he's afraid of rejection from the babies...afraid they'll see some character flaw we're able to hide from older, less observant folks.

life is so different. it is so much harder in some ways. it is so much richer in some ways. it's so rich, it's like walking through sticky mud...makes you slow down...wears you out...gets frustrating, throws off your groove..but you also notice more stuff. you can look at your feet and dwell on being angry that your shoes are getting fucked up. you can fret at the time that's being wasted. or you can look around and see how much greener everything is after all the rain. of course, when it rains in the winter, there's not so much green. but there is still a beauty to things being bare...everything waiting for the next spring. mostly, i'm just excited i can type sentences...well, sort of...even while i'm so tired.

now i must go figure out what i've bought each child for christmas...i can't keep things straight in my head. and i need to go finish the last of my christmas cards. and drink some water...i keep forgetting to drink the damned water. how are you supposed to make breast milk when you forget to drink fluids?...glub glub

peace

dare i be so bold...

as to say i'm back? it'd be nice...but maybe this is just another visit, i don't know. i blog all the time in my head, though. just never really have the time to sit down and type it out. there are so many other hundreds of things i haven't yet gotten to...things i'm pretty severely behind on...but here i sit. must be time, i guess.

so i had the baby. a girl, ifyoucanbelieveit. i'm having a hard time believing it myself. things i forgot about having a newborn...

it is exhausting. like, i know what exhausting means. i understand intellectually what it means when someone says they're exhausted. i've even described myself as exhausted, and i really thought i was at the time. but i don't know that i've really experienced exhaustion in its truest sense since my youngest son turned a year old. but now...oh, now...i am really getting reacquainted with exhaustion. and really, i'm being a weinie about it because my baby girl, she sleeps pretty well, nurses pretty well...shame on me for complaining. but i will add, as a disclaimer, that i'd been getting a good eight hours a night for at least four years, and this has been quite a descension, which spell check says is not a word, but i'm saying it is.

healing...i forgot what healing was like after birth.

well, i hear a sweet fragile little cry coming my way. and it makes my breasts feel as though they're going through the little roller thing at the car wash that you send the chamois through...can't think of the word for some reason. anyway...i'll try again tomorrow.

mostly, though, it's really good. my therapist said, "love always softens you." and it's true. we're all just gloppy gloopy messes around here. milk, tears, smiles, spit up, laughter, sometimes a little drool...i think she may be each of her brothers first true love...and we are all grateful.

peace

so whaddya think it means...

when the kids keep coming up and hugging you, saying "i love you, mom"? do i look that crappy these days? probably. the guy who sold me educational cd-rom's two weeks ago kept looking at me this morning, when he dropped them off, like he was really worried about me....like, "what happened to you?" normally i would want to put their minds at ease, but now i just roll my eyes and feel like, "what? so now i have to help you feel better, too?" i'm thinking this may be a sign of being "spread too thin" as my father puts it. or maybe that's my stepmom who puts it that way.

today is my youngest child's (well, youngest in those that have already been born) birthday. he has been counting this down since it was 321 days away or so. seriously. i'm the one who counts the days in my head when he asks. and he is so, so excited. when i woke up this morning, he shouted "morning mom! i'm six today!!" in case i'd forgotten. (see, i told you i look like shit...i mean really, he just told me yesterday.) so today i will finish cleaning up the house some (it is so good to have a deadline for some of this stuff) and make a fruit salad and that's about it. oh, i will wrap his presents, too. he got a soccer ball, some croc knock-offs, bubble bath, and pool toys. i hope he likes that stuff. i should go get him some candy just to be sure he really likes everything...nah. have faith. and if he doesn't like it...well, don't care too much about it. (ah, cracking my cynical self up here...see? this is a danger of having a cynical, depressed priest every sunday...you begin to feel cynically justified in these cynical thoughts...ah...worse than any drug...doh, i digress...)

i had an awful morning's sleep. maybe my body's just getting a jump on this whole waking up at crazy, odd hours, but i woke up at five this morning, and due to circumstances beyond my control (having to pee, the mister snoring so.freaking.loud., the dog chasing squirrels in her sleep and scratching her nails that DESPERATELY need to be trimmed on her kennel floor, dreams, anxieties, etc) i did not fall back to sleep until eight. and then overslept the alarm i'd set for nine and got up at nine thirty. i feel so completely discombobulated...(is that a word? it is in my head, but my eyes say "i'm thinking no") disoriented. that's better. my teen mowed the backyard because i was just too tired to do it. so my front won't get mowed. but i should go put away laundry (especially all the kids underwear drying on the drying rack in my front living room...bet they'd appreciate that, eh?) and vacuum. oh, and wrap those presents!! (slapping forehead...) let me finish this coffee before i hurt myself...

peace

resting a little

i was really, really low yesterday. i mean really. and not even high school hormonal. this was much more dignified...this emotional wreck-titude i experienced...snort. but seriously...i was so sad.

i think it's because we had a really busy weekend. i think it's because i worked my butt off volunteering at a rock climbing comp...early mornings...high temperatures...stupid men in charge that act like babies when things get stressful...lots of great, energetic kids...and some awesome speed climbs by my teenager. i...was...s.p.e.n.t. and i didn't see much of my spouse. or my good friend who came up to visit me and ended up hanging out with my two littles so that they wouldn't have to be stuck at a dirty rock gym. (the gym is not especially dirty...but i would like to mention that the ground up rubber that keeps climbers from breaking limbs when they fall three stories from the top of the wall...this rarely happens, but when i does, you know...the rubber creates a rubber dust you breathe while in the gym and makes you have black boogers when you get home, which, in case you can't imagine what that would be like, is freaking gross.)

my point is, i was really low by the end. i hadn't spent much time in the sun. had stopped taking my vitamins for almost a week because i was busy. was eating like absolute crap. and couldn't sleep much either. conditions for the perfect storm, eh?

so yesterday sucked. but there was sun today...and a lovely breeze...it was awesome. there have been vitamins. food has been purchased that has much more to offer than the fried chicken and macaroni and cheese i was so desperately craving all weekend. and after fourteen hours of sleep sunday, i woke up at a fairly decent time this morning, seven, and managed to stay in bed til my sister called me at seven forty...which made me all kinds of happy just by virtue of who she is.

so...rather than try to roll too far to fast with this bit of momentum, i am resting some. i feel the baby kick lots more these days...talk to the bean (i've been calling the baby "ribbit" in my head for some reason...prolly because the u/s at eleven weeks revealed a busy little bee swimming and swimming and swimming, just like a little frog) in my head all the time, too. oh, and we are looking into whether or not we can swing getting our teen to nationals in utah next month, since he received an invitation after his awesome speed climbs. yep...rest is good...

peace

fun times

what a great weekend...

got to see my niece. she's home from the hospital. she's gorgeous...and i don't think i feel that way because she's my niece. i mean, i think even if she was a stranger on the street, i'd be pretty smitten. she looks great. i'm really happy for her parents that all their kiddos are at home, together, where they belong...no more parts of their heart scattered....that comes much, much later.

i had so much fun hanging out with my in laws. they're such great, smart people. i especially appreciate when we have a little time alone with them and they can share their wisdom...in really subtle, but warm ways. i miss them more than i realize.

actually, i think we miss all of our family more than we realize. but it is awesome to go back and hang out. we got to see our grand niece. and our nieces and nephews...brothers, sisters...everyone else. it was good times....really good times.

hey, guess what? my oldest plays the guitar. ha! ok, ok...i knew he'd been messing around on it in his room. his dad had even checked out the complete idiot's handbook to guitars and the guitar hero song book for him at the library two weeks ago (or was it longer? crap...i hate late fees). but my spouse and i were pretty shocked when teenager sat down and started playing with his aunt as she was practicing the music for easter mass. so guess what? even though i felt a little concerned that i was letting him get too rock n roll...and even though he'd never expressed any interest in being a part of mass other than sitting and zoning out (oh, and eating a little jesus...he has taken his first communion)...he played the guitar with the family choir (in front of the whole church) for easter mass. wow...

ok...i now have to go empty my car from our weekend travels to get it ready for travel to the world festival. we also have robotics in three hours, so i should probably get my ass in gear. we still need to pack and do tons of other things i am forgetting, i'm sure. but when we get back, we will be that much closer to april, and this semester, being finished. i am so ready for the rest....

peace

circles of light watching

still here. left foot, right foot, breathe.

i will say i've been thinking a lot about responsibility and commitment. we are dragging through the end of this semester. and finishing it out is what seems right to me. but sometimes, this little part of my brain says, "maybe you should just stop...you never know when to say 'no'...maybe this is one of those times." but i don't think so. a few more weeks, and we'll have completed this crazy assed, over scheduled, exhausting, draining semester. and what will we have accomplished? well, i'm still thinking that one over... i mean, there are obvious answers, but i'm trying to see the larger picture...and that's kind of hard to do when your eyes are crossing from exhaustion and fed-uppedness. (i just made that word up...you know, in case you couldn't tell)

but the teen and i have seen through some tough times this past week. a few episodes of him being pretty unhappy with me...the first time, i owned what he was saying. and didn't let myself take it all personally...taking constructive criticism, particularly when delivered with the tact of a fourteen year old, is not my best thing. but given the intense love and respect i have for this particular fourteen year old, i am incredibly motivated to get better at it. and this past week, i felt a little better at it than absolutely sucky...and i feel this is real progress. the second time, i gave him a little of the same honesty in return...but made sure he understood i didn't feel he was responsible for how i felt...that i just wanted him to know i was a little "done" with this particular situation too...that feeling "done" as i did, yet having to hear how "done" he feels over and over...well, that it wasn't helping my "done"ness very much...and that i don't know exactly how to make the "done"ness any better, and that thus far, the only advice i have is to grit your teeth and keep going. which i feel he took rather well, as i still got a massage later in the evening...so truly, i think he took it damned smashingly well.

eleven year old has a robotics comp of his own coming up next weekend. i am thrilled for him and excited to get to be the total parent/spectator at this event. he has shown a lot of focus and enthusiasm and i can't wait to see the end result for him. i can't even begin to understand what he's done...but i am ready to see how it works.

nine year old is rocking the soccer world...well, in my evaluation, he is. this does not mean his team wins a lot...it means they are greatly improving and still loving it. the best kind of success, in my experience.

and five year old...he is reading like crazy, noticing words and asking questions about language...i love watching that awareness light up. he also ended up in my bed this morning...and while it stretched my older body (older than when i used to sleep with them full time, i mean), it was nice.

lots of light all of a sudden. thank blog...

peace

want some cheese?

because i'm gonna whine, ok?

i am tired. today was just one of those days where there are a million things to do. today, i...

--woke at six thirty, made coffee and made sure teen was in the shower.
--got lessons ready for the day and clipboards loaded for the week while the rest of the kids got dressed and jacked around
--drove forty-three miles with three kids to pick up teen from class, then turned around and drove forty-three miles to get home
--moved around laundry
--made lunch
--helped kids get settled with lessons (or, uh, so i thought...)
--ran to therapy
--ran through the grocery
--came home and did more laundry...and then folded about eight or nine loads of laundry
--got little ones to put their laundry away (again, or so i thought...but that comes later)
--started getting my stuff ready for co-op classes tomorrow
--came across notice for verification of dependents for insurance
--noticed that after my name, it said "unverified"
--called to see exactly what i needed to be verified
--was told only a marriage license would do
--could NOT find marriage license
--found out that i can't order one online in my county (even though i got my marriage license in my state's capital...wtf?)...so the nice woman gave me the address to mail my $6 to so i can get this license and not be without insurance even though my husband works and we're married and why the hell does my insurance company need my damned marriage license?!?! whatever...
--saw teen off to rock climbing team practice
--took other kids to soccer practice for nine year old
--froze butt off in cold wind while chatting with a mama about soccer (thank god sexy spouse came to tag me out so i could come home and finish getting ready for co-op tomorrow)
--moved around teen's laundry (because yes, i am that nice)
--got stuff ready for co-op
--managed to not have a conniption when i realized nine year old had done none of his school work, but thank god had at least done his co-op homework
--helped spouse (who was no longer so sexy to me) cook dinner
--got littles to empty the dishwasher, which they are supposed to do daily without reminders, but this is not going off so well lately...
--got settled to watch lost, had littles put away a little more laundry, made the huge mistake of going into their closet to find all the laundry they were supposed to have put away in stacks on the floor of their closet (which is where it all was, dirty, three days ago)...almost completely lost it...yelled some, explained some, helped put away some...resolved to follow through with this for a few more days (which is much more productive than the tantrum i was gearing up for awhile there to throw...but it still leaves me a little empty for not throwing the tantrum...what can i say?)
--did dishes and reloaded dishwasher while watching the beginning of lost
--scratched five year old's back through the rest of lost
--i am done.

i realize the kids are probably slipping because i am slipping because we are all just flat out busy. it is hard to do everything we used to do as well as we used to do it when we have added all this other stuff to do. i told my the-rapist today that i understand i'm not doing much well right now because look at how much i'm trying to do...but it's not a whole hell of a lot of consolation, to be honest. just makes me feel kind of sucky at a hell of a lot of things. but LET ME TELL YOU.....i am learning shit loads. ask me about how i will prioritize next semester...go ahead, ask me...i am getting smarter and smarter about this stuff. the boundaries will be blazing next semester.

peace

hard times

i am sitting here, listening to my nine year old sing the eye of the tiger. which in a moment, could be a pretty powerful thing...but considering this is the ninth time i'm hearing this...not so much. i guess he's having a hard time getting past this song on guitar hero...

i am tired. i am worn out. we are just too busy lately. and it's not like i am getting things done in a smashing successful fashion...which is what i used to imagine when i'd listen to mamas talk about how much crap they were cramming into a week...surely their houses were cleaned, meals cooked, and their children had clean underwear, too, right? why did i assume that? what an ass...

now i know differently. we officially have somewhere to be each day of the week, except for saturday. but i did get my third born signed up for soccer...so at least i won't have to listen to him whine about his lack of opportunity to be completely over scheduled. every one's equally over scheduled according to their ability and our saturdays will be gone once soccer starts. oh, but i was talking about how now i know differently...how i know now that those women's houses were probably trashed, their meals probably served out of styrofoam, and their kids were probably wearing their underwear inside out (if their mama taught them properly) or going commando (i actually listened to my two oldest kids discussing when was the last time they went commando...it was a lot more recently than i would've thought...but i don't normally think about it, so i guess that statement isn't exactly true). anyway, our house isn't too bad, i am doing a fair amount of cooking, and they all just got a few pairs of clean underwear handed to them earlier today, so i feel like i am on a roll.

but i am so tired. and i just don't feel like i have much stamina lately. i wonder if it's the vitamins? the lack of running? something in the air? the-rapist told me the other day it was just life. remember when kids would finally figure out walking, but then forget all their words ? then eventually they could walk and talk...but it took awhile to get it all going together? and i understood what she was saying...we're all learning lots of new stuff right now. how to wake up and not be pissy with each other. how to make sure homework gets done without being pissy to each other. how to be on the road a lot more without getting pissy. hang out in different groups now that we always seem to be minus at least one if not more...yes, and not get pissy about it. we are worn out with trying to not take out these adjustments on each other, i guess. because these kids are sleeping hard at night. and so are these parents.

so...dependent arising...it means the emptiness of inherent existence. when things inherently exist, they are what they are, and they can't be changed by outside things...that would negate their self arising. so everything is dependent arising...and everything is empty of inherent existence. i know this is working up to some big things...but since i'm kind of excited to get a grip on what these concepts even mean, i don't mind waiting a few hours or a day til i can read more. i do think that it is pretty exciting to see everything as dependent arising...and knowing that emptiness of inherent existence is not the same as nonexistent, it seems that everything is going to be, in some way, a collection of everything else. but maybe that's too jumbled up. the dalai lama seems much more adept at teasing out more specific concepts. it's good stuff.

peace

stream of consciousness

today's highlights....

...this is cool hanging out with the teen...almost makes getting up at six okay...mmm, these scones are good...

...wow, i haven't heard this led zepplin song in forever...oh, and now it's spin doctors, i love this song, too...i wonder if some of these eighteen wheelers realize just how fucking big they are?...

...must chat with the kids about playing video games and ignoring their clipboards...whew, that went better than i thought it would...whaddya mean "should i do my math work?"...maybe they just don't listen to a damn thing i say...where are the scones?...

...pick a category for book club...check out some great pictures of cooking at co-op...darn, those kiddos are cute...i should take pics of my classes...facebook...cyber tribe...love...love...love...

...oh shit, piano...we're late...let me stop vacuuming and get everyone in the car...grab dalai lama book on the way out...dependent arising? have i read that before?...oh yes...now i remember...sorta...

...home...bake cookies...kids outside--hurray!...hubby home...laundry...computer...so many blogs i've composed in my head...no brain cells left to write full sentences...thoughts still clamoring to spill out...best i can do...james joyce is rolling in his grave...

...peace...

ps--here's something i've been thinking of lots this week. a quote by someone else, so it's really good...

"How does one become a butterfly?" she asked pensively. "You must want to fly so much that you are willing to give up being a caterpillar."

-Trina Paulus, Hope for the Flowers (which i've never read, but this quote was in kids are worth it, which i read periodically...)

oh god, i'm tired

wow, nothing to wear a woman's ass out like having a two year old in the house all day. yeah, i've lived with my own two year olds...four different times. but now that my youngest is five, well, i guess you could say i'm a little out of practice. but we sure had a lot of fun... and he was absolutely hilarious. the things he says...god, he kills me.

now i have to get ready to leave for our weekend away. and my eyes are so heavy... but i really wanted to get an early start on the road...have some time to meet up with my friend before her big event. i think we can do it...i think we can, i think we can, i think we can.

peace

tired

so my oldest has strep throat. and everyone just seems kind of grumpy and every once in awhile someone mentions a headache, which in turn, gives me a headache...

but i did pull out our hiking packs today and check out some books from the library on the grand canyon, bryce national park, and zion national park...also one on hiking essentials that has some fun exercises i might show the kids.

between the headaches of the day and deciding today would be the day i'd begin my coffee free mornings, i'm just too tired to blog more.
peace

help me, help me, help me

that is my prayer today.

i have a mean headache. i think it's a stress headache. which is the first non-sinus headache i've had since i moved here.

i am supposed to cook dinner to take to a woman who's been having a rough couple of months. i hated telling my kids it was so they could eat well and be healthy while i served them mac and cheese from a box...

there is a woman who was trying to be helpful in this cooperative arrangement we're working on with a group of mamas. but she wasn't helpful. or maybe she was and we just totally missed it. whichever, i just sent her an email telling her we'd let her know when we were ready for her to sign up, but for now, she can just wait. this stresses me out quite a lot. even though i know it is okay...and probably more than okay, it's probably what NEEDED to be done. it is just not always hearts and flowers to do the right thing. and where the hell does she get off?....

my spouse is wiped out. tired, worn, grouchy, negative, pissy, big old bags under the eyes. and i can take all of that alright. but when he gets to the point that he's weepy, then i start to lose it a little, too. and that's how he was today. telling me he misses us. and i go to be sarcastic and notice the tears and, well, i'm such a jerk. i still made a little joke but then i hugged him. i bought him the new norah jones today. (with a gift certificate! woo-hoo!) we'll see if that helps.

i am just tired of our lives being so stressful. i am ready for the ride to even out. and i know i just have to wait and it will even out and things will be fine...or closer to fine anyway. (score on indigo girls song titles...)

i think i just need to go to bed...i'm feeling a bit weepy myself.
peace