Wednesday, August 22, 2007

a few thoughts's been emotional lately...think i covered that already. (no, really?)

here were a few thoughts i had. i can see so clearly sometimes when two great people are angry at each other. i can understand why person a is upset with person b and why person b is upset with person a. ("you could not interpret me, and i could not interpret you") but an outsider can interpret fairly, right? and i know it's our humanity that prevents persons a and b from seeing past emotions, trusting each other, etc... and i guess one of my biggest frustrations is that even though i might be able to see something clearly, my own humanity will always prevent me from being able to solve it without a bunch of bumps. ("no one's gonna go unscathed") damn the humanity!!! how did jesus even put up with it? (as if there was a choice) but really, it was enlightening and kind of frustrating all wrapped up in one. like a reese's peanut butter cup...sorta...

other thing...(what was the other thing?...) oh! it had to do with surrender. i think i've mentioned a bit of strife in my husband's family lately, particularly between his sisters. and i've kind of been putting myself out there a bit more than usual. (and no, i don't just mean when i'm drunk) but i've been praying a lot about it and being honest when being asked questions, instead of evasive... anyway, it feels like being at the top of the roller coaster. i have no idea what people will do with the thoughts and words i've put out there...and i have no control over it. yet, instead of holding it in or only sharing it with those i trust, i've been letting bits of it go with those i don't exactly NOT trust, but i don't exactly trust, either... anyway, roller coaster thing. it makes my stomach feel pretty weird and it's a painful realization of what i'm not in control of. because i am fairly certain that at some point, i will get hurt in this deal. because everyone is not going to believe the best of me. emotions are too high, people are in self protective mode, and it is hard to believe the best in someone else when you are defending yourself. (unless that person is in your pocket, which few of us are, eh?) anyway... the deal is, i figure this is what surrender feels like. uncomfortable, not altogether pleasant, anxious...i suppose if it felt great, it wouldn't be such a challenge, huh? but i can definitely see some issues with not jumping up to defend myself. with not taking this shit personally.... i will definitely be leaning on those i do trust to push me back in the game when i'm begging to run away. (geez, i hope that's just hyperbole...i'm scaring myself!)

ok, off that subject. that's about it. my head is pounding and i need to make a dr. appt. for myself, my three kids who are aging a year, and eye dr. appts. all around...but not today. because tomorrow, we drive to the beach!


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