Wednesday, August 15, 2007

uhm, bump...

so how to navigate the bumps that come? how to navigate the waves that someone else sends your way...someone who's part of your travelling group. cut 'em loose? sounds so awful. but i firmly believe that if you explain to someone why they're having such a hard time and gently point out how if we all work for a good then we will all be benefited, that a person will make the right choice eventually. i really, really believe that. (can you tell i'm holding on to that belief hard because it is trying to fly away from me?)

so what do i do when someone just won't choose a way that makes it easier for everyone, but also that makes it a lot easier for him....? because the choices he's making are making it difficult for him, and i have alway supported and loved him through those hard times, honestly believing that he would eventually find his way and peace would start to settle in his life. but i see him stirring up trouble, acting in anger and then cowardly blaming someone else for the results his anger brought him. and i'm waiting for him to be take true responsibility for his actions and stop squandering himself and others...their prayers, their trust, their love.

he's so convinced that no one understands him...that he's so different. but he thinks he understands everyone. he thinks he knows that everyone's got it easier than him, and he's pissed, he resents the hell out of it. but he's been judging his insides against other people's outsides for so long, that he's forgotten we all have insides. we all have feelings, and vulnerable parts of us. and i'm getting worn out loving someone who has so little true understanding of my life. not that i expect him to, he just doesn't even ask most of the time. and if he does, well, i'm not bent on trying to get him to understand. but at some point, i wish for him the wisdom to figure out people still have a personal, intimate, private, inside life...whether he knows what it is or not...and to stop acting as though everything you can see about a person is all that there is.

i am sorry my nephew hurts so much. and i would truly give away a little something of me--nothing too big, i mean i have my own kids--but i would give away a little something that he could figure some of this stuff out sooner than later. i will continue to pray for him, and also for someone in his life to work some spiritual work in there, that that person will have strength and wisdom that andrew will hear. i will also work on laying my own boundaries...not just with andrew, but with the family that this whole relationship has become mind candy for... i will allow myself the respect i want from started with those who've listened to me and loved me as i found my feet...but i will carry it on.

feels better to let it out...
back to my regularly scheduled program...homeschooling my four beautiful children

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