eve eve

so it's new year's eve eve, right? oh, just get the hell on with it and let's get this new year started already!...

yeah, i'm still sunshiney and all...

yesterday's therapy included just laying on my bed, not allowing lists to formulate in my mind...just resting in myself, listening to my heartbeat, my breath. man...it felt like waking up in a new climate. well, waking up in the bathtub was definitely like waking up in a new climate...literally. but not putting my mind forward in time...trying to anticipate, run damage control, plan, get ahead, try to remember, try to forget... it was like when my kids have the tv on loud and i've got the radio on and then the power goes out...and everything gets so quiet. even the refrigerator shuts up (although i never realize how loud the fridge is until it's off). that's how it felt during my own little self led therapy session yesterday. then i fell asleep. which was probably just icing on my cake....chocolate, of course.

i am hoping tomorrow to write some sort of resolutions....prayers....hope for myself....goals that if i put them into words, might help me stay on track to working toward them. but i will be sure to drink a glass of wine first so as not to get all idealistic and crap....because i do not need to be setting myself up for failure. that would just really get me on one of my more cynical days.

ok, still have some detoxing to do. i think it will just take time. and my smudge stick. and some help from N with a little personal space. but maybe we'll go blow a gift certificate too. a little retail therapy. after we find some more stuff to donate, of course...hehe...my inconsistency is hanging out...oh well...

peace

blah

i just don't feel well today... i'm sore, i'm tired, my stomach feels sour. probably all the damn lone star my dad left here. i've only had one or two a night, but i think that might be it...drinking turpentine in a can can't be good for you, right?

maybe it's a virus...n doesn't feel great either. seems to feel a lot like i do right now. but then i also feel uber hormonal. and i think my period is coming. i kind of lost track with the holidays and all... sometime in the next week...so pms is likely.

i've been feeling kind of toxic. like emotionally toxic. but then i took it easy today...rested...fell asleep in the bathtub (wow, that's disorienting)...took a nap. i feel a little better. i'll just have to keep it low key for a few more days. and i want to eat total crap, too. that's annoying....

so today, e was giving me a kiss. and he kisses my collar, and i say "thanks" and he says, "unfortunately, i ashkually kissed your shirt..." he has the best words. i really love it when he tells me he does something "askidentally."

n went to a friend's house yesterday. he was invited to spend the night, and i think if i hadn't asked him he would've done it. but when i explained that i didn't really know the parents all that well and would he be comfortable handling whatever might come up, well, he decided he'd hang til nine or ten and then ask me or dad to pick him up. i hope i'm not freaking him out, making him weird or distrustful...but it felt good to speak openly and honestly with him and have him come up with a solution he was comfortable with.

o is a wii addict. and he's not a very pleasant teammate. which is something that responds well to dad therapy....this is where the dad is his teammate and makes occasional errors and that helps the eight year old to break the habit of saying, "man, what's your problem?" every time his teammate makes a mistake. he has the damned cutest dimples in the world, though....both sets.

and s is cool as ever. he is so me. but i like him so much more most of the time. he takes all the quirks we share and makes them so much more endearing than i do. he shows me how to be a better, more patient person all the time.

ok, just had to get those out. these are some damned fine kids i get to walk with. so glad they picked us...whether or not they'll admit it.

ok, maybe not so blah after all....maybe more bla....
peace

gifts

i'm really just not ready to talk about christmas yet...

i mean, it was good. spending time with family always gives lots of gifts. some of them you might actually open your hand up and take, and others, well, maybe not... i'm sure i'll have tons to say about it another time...

so i watched narnia today. and i love that movie. i loved the book, too....and the audio book is amazing. michael york reads it. but the movie's great. liam neeson as the jesus character...uh, yeah, right up my alley.

so the other day, i was thinking about how when edmund is reunited with his siblings, aslan says what's done is done...not to talk about the past. and it occurred to me, "wow, that's what forgiveness is. believing each person is learning from their mistakes...not having to be the one to teach them." that's kind of huge for me. from both ends of the statement.

so tonight...i was just noticing how aslan doesn't ask anything of people. they show up...he might direct them...maybe...but he doesn't demand things from people. but how the white witch just demands, bullies, brutalizes... maybe these things are obvious to others...but they felt new to me as i watched tonight.

and then i was aware of different feelings i had...like i really admire lucy for insisting she'd been to narnia. i mean, when i was a kid, i was totally aware adults wouldn't have thought the whole "land in the wardrobe" idea realistic. i probably would've completely repressed it and never gone back to that freaking weird wardrobe... and i would've completely immobilized my character with wondering what was all my fault...should i have noticed edmund leaving? should i have gotten him a man coat? (would that've made things better...) i spend too much time wanting to rewrite and not dealing well with what's already on the books...

ok, enough. my resources are low. i am grateful for the time i've had with families, the opportunities to serve and be served, the gifts given and received... i know i have to get out of my comfort zone to grow, and i'm grateful for those opportunities, too. but for now, i am tired and weary and ready to rest...

peace
(and happy late christmas)

some thinking time...

this has been a difficult month...yes, it's the christmas rush. yes, there's much pressure...time wise, money wise, even love wise...because ultimately, that's what it's about, right? we're trying to buy the perfect give because we love someone (or LOTS of someones), there's a deadline, and money is not infinite (at least not for most of us). but it's also been N's month to work nights, and that has also been exhausting. i'm sure it's been hellacious for him, but i'm not him. i can say with absolute surety that it's been very, very hard for me, though. i don't sleep well without him here. i can only assume this is about his energy presence in the house, because usually i fall asleep after he has. but i have been unable to fall asleep until about two, when i just pass out exhausted. which has greatly affected my emotions. which has all come together to leave me feeling rather edgy, bitter, bitchy, tired, grouchy, frustrated, unhappy, weepy, and just generally unhealthy and unpleasant.

and i'm ashamed to say i've been sharing quite a bit of this psychic germ... with anyone who will listen, really. so when a friend yesterday was emailing back and forth and listed the things going on in her life, and one of those things listed was "friends all feeling crappy" and then concluded "just another day on planet Earth" well, i felt kind of weird. because i thought, well, yeah, i guess it's not unusual that i'm complaining. and it made me think about what's going on with me and how to change it.

so last night i meditated before bed...or while falling asleep. i do it most nights, but i haven't done it at all this month. i could feel knots waiting to have a little attention paid them, so i focused on them, and they relaxed considerably. i felt so much more aligned, relaxed when i fell asleep. it's weird the things we leave behind without even so much as a second thought, until we start to notice the side effects of their absence. then we're motivated to get back to where we need to be... i also have running clothes on today. we'll see if i make it up there...but it feels good just to remember i have these clothes and the comfort they bring for whatever reason that i am not sure of now but don't care...i just know it's a good thing, and that's enough.

a funny thing is...i had a dream last night. haven't had one of those in awhile. it was about a mama i share cyberspace with. i've never met her, but i've seen pics of her and her children. (she writes the on the upswing blog listed in my blogroll) it was such a pleasant, just hanging out kind of dream. she came to visit me because she knew i was down. we went to her house and hung out with her kids. it was good. funny thing....she drove with her young son in her lap the whole time. i'm fairly certain he rides in a car seat in real life, but in this dream she had him on her lap because that's where he wanted to be and that's where she wanted him, and it just felt so damn natural, it was alright. it was neat. she also had a really nice voice. i wonder what my mind was trying to tell me with that dream?

it was just nice to check in with myself. i was being lead by my head, but my heart was, i don't know, somewhere else...i had to go find it and sit with it a bit. i'm glad i did... i wish i wouldn't forget to do it sometimes, but i guess that's just how the universe works....peaks and valleys...comings and goings.

so today has been perfect and wonderful. just kidding... but it's bearable. we haven't gotten much done, and there are so many things i want to get done. i think that's why my neck is so goofed up...all the anxiety i've been carrying around. but i've gotten some stuff taken care of and the kids are playing a marathon game of monopoly. n is winning--i think he's played fairly, too, because he's being quite humble about owning boardwalk and park place and having houses on all his properties, not to mention he just sounds surprised to be doing so well. and they all seem to be getting along and i am grateful for that. i think i'll go work on the jigsaw a bit and then decide which project i want to attempt this afternoon, once N is awake.

peace

cookies and power

i am a baking fool these days. ok, not really. but i meant to be. i had planned to be. and i was going to give a lot of those cookies i would produce in my baking foolery to rock gym teachers and neighbors. well, i put in a solid two and a half hours baking last night, and came up with 18 peanut butter cookies and four dozen chocolate/butterscotch cookies. i guess it'll have to do... i mean, i can bake more tomorrow and such, but for the two places i need to deliver cookies today...this will ahve to do. how is it that christmas cheer and good intentions can sometimes turn into, "well, whatever..." (and i took out all the bad words from that last part because it just didn't feel right...)

my number one son is pushing some of my buttons lately. now, he is the best button pusher. i think his leg up on that comes from being the first and original button pusher. but i also know it has something to do with his personality....how i over identify with some of it and how i am over mortified by other parts (well, truly, they're probably the same parts). but he is on this power thing lately and, well, i am hoping he makes it through this intact....as in, i don't rip him limb from limb. because really, i have no rational desire to do that. but when he is bossing his brothers around, insulting them, and just generally shitting upon them...i just get this weird tingly feeling and kind of want to hurt him. i know, i know, he's my son!.... but so are they. and i am torn....maybe that's why i want to do a little tearing. which is probably the same shit that gets him in trouble... oi... so i'm modeling appropriate behavior and i'm praying for enlightenment...for both of us....hell, for all of us.

maybe it's working...my eight year old just came in and said, "mom, burps have a taste." i asked, "oh, what do they taste like?" and he said, "whatever you were drinking....if it's water, they don't taste like anything." [insert big, dimpled smile]

i think i'll count that as a ray of light coming on down....
peace

a meme and a little hehe

so hoperadio suggested a meme, and since it's been a few days, i'm going to use it... i don't know how revealing this will be, but i'm learning how to upload pics on here, so this was also a good chance to try it. here's my computer area. (sans me) it used to be a lot more interesting, i suppose, but now that it's in the living room, i try to keep it at least fairly neat. like, those books over there on the left of the screen are usually spilling off of the left side, but i started that about a month ago. and it makes sense, because i use those books a lot...but for some reason i tend to resist too much organization. hence, the stack of crap on the right of the screen. there's the cd organizer in the back of it, and that's fairly effective, although cd's will occasionally pile up right in front of it, so i'm not completely sold on it. and the stack is held in by a pencil organizer that also strikes me as a bit much, but i actually really like. it's good to look for a pencil and, lo, there one is... :)

the kids' christmas lists are to the left of the keyboard and there are pictures of two of those kids above the computer. on the left is the nine year old and on the right is the eight year old. those are my dh's favorite baby/toddler pics of them. nine year old is pouting BIG TIME in his...which is cute because he's a pretty calm, peaceful, cheerful fellow. and it's all topped off by some christmas cards and decorations...woo-hoo!

ok, one more pic... we have our very own rudolph at our house...

little bit fell down outside yesterday and slid on his face. the flash bleached the color out quite a bit...his whole nose is pink and he also has a big old pink strawberry on his head. he's been a pretty good sport about it, but he doesn't really like it when i call him rudolph. :) but it just about breaks my heart every time i look at him, just because it's so red and it's been so long since one of my guys really hurt himself. i was a little out of practice...

ok, time to go meet the day. my number one son and number three son have been at it much of the morning. and it seems number one son is really the one instigating. so i put my foot down and now he's kind of pissed off at me. which is ok, i guess. but it still sucks. but we're baking today, so hopefully that'll put them all in a better mood...

peace

weird blog thing...

so i guess because i've been posting late at night (which, as my blog has drawn my attention to, is actually early in the morning), when i log on to blog, well, shit, there's already a blog for that day?... :)

so i'm taking it as a sign that i need to take a break for today...(even though, technically, this is my second post for today...hehe) and that works out because N is home and we're going to hang out and stuff... well, after he wakes up...

peace

normal day?

so i think today has been a more "normal" day....in the sense that i've done a number of different things, the kids have been outside and busy (thank GOD for the nice weather today), and i've been in contact with a number of people today, and that, i'm kind of embarrassed to say, is what is particularly unusual.

i've talked to mama hope, mama jerrie, patsy (prayers for her, please), my kids (of course, but we worked a jigsaw puzzle tonight, so that was concentrated and wonderful), my bil, my sil, my sister (woo-hoo!), the mamas on my mama board, a few emails, even a brief call to a different sil....oh, and my husband, too, for a bit. i think that was everyone....

all that to say that i don't have a particular thing to blog about. when my attention gets spread out, there's not one particular thing eating at me or that i'm perseverating on (the autistic part of me). soooo....

peace, goodwill, and joy to all...i got packages mailed today and life is good.

one last thing...

so tonight, while we were praying the advent prayer (which we hadn't done in a few nights), this is what little bit says... "when we fight, it makes my heart close. and when we don't fight, it doesn't close."

maybe when i grow up, i'll be as smart as my four year old. thank god we have him to save us from ourselves... :)

g'night and peace

resolution shmesolution

this is concerning conflicts...

i don't really feel "resolution shmesolution" about conflict resolution, i mean not the part of me i want to carry forward. but that little troll i carry around in my trunk sure is grumbling "resolution shmesolution..."

thirteen year old is sooooo grouchy these days. and just craps all over eight year old. and then when nine year old gets involved, he craps all over eight year old, which i don't necessarily blame him for...i mean if the options are to get crapped on by a thirteen year old or take part in the already inevitable crapping upon of an eight year old, i'd probably choose the path of least resistance, too. especially if said eight year old pisses me off every once in awhile and doesn't seem to give a shit. but that doesn't make any of this right...and sometimes this crap will get so carried away before i realize i need to intervene, that intervention is overwhelming and something i tend to avoid when i am already low on resources... and this month, seeing my spouse and co-parent for three hours a day max (awake) is making me feel a bit low in resources for some reason...

especially when spouse and i have our own freaking conflict going on...over nothing, really....fueled by feelings that probably had nothing to do with what we were attempting to discuss. ack! i'm frustrated all over again just typing this... but it was funny. the kids, who were arguing pretty much all day today, were trying so hard to be quiet (without losing their arguments, of course) so they could hear what dh and i were talking about. i would've laughed...if i hadn't been so frustrated otherwise....

maybe i'm just grumpy because i stayed up painting until three o'clock this morning.... my hallways look delicious...

oh, i hope bedtime comes quickly...
peace

some....very.....slow.....thoughts......

my computer is running soooo damned slowly this morning. i'm about to have a stressed induced stroke, i think. not really. i am actually handling it well, but i am aware that i'm handling it well, which tells me i'm getting kind of close to not handling it well....

i have a plan for today. i've told my kids my plan, and they seem to think it just might work. it's hard when your dad works nights, but just a couple more weeks and we'll be passed this madness...

today, we're going to run errands and do a bit of schooling early. stop when dad wakes up and hang out and eat. then, once dad leaves, we'll finish our school work. but we're pretty loose. we'll see how this goes.

hoperadio was reminding me that i am in charge of this educational journey and i could call a break. but i feel such pressure (inside myself) to push forward a bit more before we take some time off. but far be it for me to ignore the advice of a woman in her state of clarity right now, so i am relaxing my claw-like grip a little. (well, the knuckles are a little pinker anyway...)

i had some other things i was thinking about this morning, but this computer thing has just got me allllllll disjointed... geez, am i fragile or what? (rolling eyes here)

oh, i got my hallways painted. "milk chocolate"....i am in heaven. makes me want to break out and get started on everything else i want to paint. (yeah, since the three hallways only took me two months....shit)

and last thing...i got a "season's greetings from the austin marathon" this morning. oh yeah. i kind of forgot about that.... it told me that there would be 36 bands along the running route and cheerleaders from different high schools cheering me on. are we talking high school bands? or "keep austin weird" bands? because there's a huge difference and it just might affect my motivation. :) and the cheerleaders...dude, i do not need high school girls bouncing around reminding me of what my body used to be like. although, i suppose if i watch them close enough, i'll be grateful for the wisdom my body has carried me to... i've honestly decided if i can get one run a week in for december, i can resume true training once N is back to working days again, because i am not finding the time while he's sleeping all day. and i've learned that no, i can't just run at night because i am too fucking tired and feel like i might be dying every quarter mile...and that is too much of a head game for me right now with too little pay off...

ok, i do believe that is it. i am now going to leave my house and try to maintain some feeling of christmas cheer while gone...wish me luck!
peace

prayers

i'm asking for some prayers for mama hope over at hoperadio tonight... she's just gotten on a roller coaster much like the one i road at the beginning of my blogging journey. i know how my ride ended (at least that stretch of it) and now we have to wait and see how hers goes...and pray. so if you get a minute...some peaceful, gentle thoughts aimed toward the soggy coast of galveston, tx, would be a pretty generous gesture this season of giving...thanks for reading.

peace

a letter

so i got tagged with a meme. i'm supposed to write a letter as though i could send it back in time to myself when i was thirteen. my oldest son is thirteen...and for some reason this struck me all as kind of weird...i'm embarrassed to say i haven't even tried to remember thirteen for myself as i parent my son through it...so i sat down and thought about it. and there was a lot i remembered...(really, as if i could forget...)

i lived with my mother and her boyfriend/common law husband. he was abusive and a drunk, but it's only as an adult that i understand how relevant his drinking was. he was frighteningly controlling, but in all fairness, there was also a lot he taught me. i was in eighth grade, which was the year my father found out my mother's husband was abusive and had me talking to a behavioral management specialist friend of his and was preparing to ask for custody of me. i was looking at moving out of my mom's house, where i was an only child and had a half brother who would visit every other weekend and into my dad's house, where i would become the oldest of four children. my mother didn't allow me to speak to my grandmother, her mother, who was the one person i think loved me consistently, if not obsessively, through this turbulence, but my dad did let me see her when i was with him on the weekends. i think i got my first "c" in eighth grade, too, so i guess i was figuring out success in academics didn't solve everything.

i cannot explain how uncomfortable it makes me feel to remember this time...only because i have my own thirteen year old living here. and no, i'm not doing a lot of the things my mother did...not because i'm so much better than her...just different. but while i know a lot of who i am was shaped by the things that happened in my life, i also know that who i am, looking back, is who i was always going to be. and i have to remember that with n...(and s...and o...and e...oi)

so my letter...would be fairly simple. it would say something like...

hi from someone who knows you very well,

i want you to know you are an amazing young woman. you don't hear this very often, but you are very smart and there are many things you are very good at. be patient with yourself and and the mistakes you make. it's okay to be open to what lies ahead...that's a good thing. things will twist and turn in ways you can't predict, so work a little on letting your need to figure stuff out and try to control go... the stuff you do to calm your mind is good...keep working on it. maybe find a physical activity you really enjoy that puts you outside more...from what i've seen, rock climbing looks good...

there is one thing i really need you to work on understanding, because it's really important....the adults in your life are good folks, but they are dealing with their own personal issues, their own personal lives. IT IS NOT YOU....you are not causing their unhappiness, their anger, their failure, or their hurt. maybe they say things you could do better or point out stuff you do that upsets them, but that doesn't make you the reason their lives aren't working. you are just a young woman and they are the ones responsible for their lives, not you. don't worry about trying to cheer them up all the time, make them happy, or win their attention. you don't need them to agree with you for you to be right, either. let them be who they are and still love them for it and you find what makes you happy. (you are really good with all kinds of kids.)

oh, and take up an instrument if you get a chance...maybe that band teacher your first two years in high school would give you free lessons, if you ask...

peace

i don't know if that young woman would understand the woman i am now. i can't decide how i would've received a letter like that... but it is a very interesting prospect...and maybe it's taken me a little further in healing that thirteen year old trapped in me.

now i should go work a little to free the thirteen year old not trapped in me. wish me luck...

peace

**added later**

ok, i'm not doing what i need to do to free the other thirteeen year old...or maybe i am (?) i don't know.... but a wandering, wondering blogger was posting songs she wanted played at her funeral, and hoperadio was talking about viking funerals the other night, so it inspired me to look at you tube, and lo! the video i wanted of the song i want played at my funeral was there... the video quality is pretty sucky, but the audio is good enough... enjoy and peace out

today didn't suck at all

at least not much...

it's had its rough spots, but that's just life being, well, life. but we got to watch baby s tonight while mom and dad were at a christmas party. and he's absolutely the brightest child in the world that i haven't given birth to...hehe...non-suckage makes me kind of arrogant, huh?

anyway...we are all a bit crabby over here. we're tired. so of course we're crabby. but dh just came in silently gloating that thirteen year old gave him a hug good night, so i think we're doing alright.

i have no brain cells for philosophizing or analyzing. i really can't even remember what i did today to be honest. but i'm pretty sure it wasn't sucky...well, hardly at all. i do remember watching frosty the snowman and the baby s part...and all of that was good. so i'm going with this one...g'night all.

peace

so, today sucks...

i don't know why, but it does. just one of those days where you can feeling it kind of tugging on your sleeve all day and you try to ignore it, but eventually you look down and there it is, and it's right, and today sucks.

this is a really different place for us. really different and really familiar too... still in debt, but not accruing anymore, which is good... N's hours are sooooo crazy. and they change each month, which is how it was before, but this working a whole month of nights is kicking our ass and it's only been a week. i mean, it's kicking our ass in different ways, but they're still pretty kicked. he gets paid, sort of, which creates the illusion we aren't falling deeper into debt, but i don't know....it's a mindfuck for sure. i mean, it certainly isn't nothing, but it's just barely something sometimes....

and homeschooling is hard when there is so much stress and money is tight because i believe the kids need to take classes, be exposed to people who are passionate and excited about sharing what they do, what they love. i certainly can't be EVERYTHING to my kids, but i can get them almost anywhere. and i will. it'll be fine....

i know things will be ok. sometimes i am afraid that i am walking along, acting like it's all ok, but it is all falling apart around me. and then i look around me and things are fine. and that's when i realize it is inside me where things are all messed up....like the world isn't falling apart around me...it's blown up inside of me.

but i really do know it is going to be ok. things will be fine. it will all work itself out in the end.

someone reminded me the other day about how nice it would be when N started working and really making money, and i thought yeah, then we'll have money to pay for the bypass i'll need from all the stress induced cardiac disease. or something... i just hope to be sane when he gets to that point. i'll be happy when i can pay off some of our debt, but then my goal will be to help others pay off theirs because this is just some fucking stress people don't need.

my sons have been doing this wrestling thing. and it really bothers me. and today i told them why. i talked about respect for each other and themselves. i talked about their dad and i wrestling and the trust it implies...that one of us will say stop when it's time to stop, but also that the other will listen, that no one will push their advantage, even just a little. i told my sons that they needed to have that kind of trust with each other before wrestling would be safe. and my oldest was all pissy about it. and it is so weird because he looks so much older than i think a thirteen year old should look...it is funky. and his dad told me later that he hoped one day n would find his thing. and that made me feel this flash of all these emotions... frustration because it costs money to take him to classes, lessons, etc....and it takes time and he needs support...and we are very taxed in these ways because we are all trying to help N find his thing. (which in all fairness he has found...it's just a long road to some people's things...) which made me think, why can't his wife help him find his thing like i helped you find yours?!?! what am i?!?! the national thing finder guider? what about my thing? oh hell, i forgot to find my thing...

i'm just being bitchy. my thing is my family, for now. i know in some way it always will be. but some day there will be enough time for me to find other things...if i don't die of a stroke first. stress induced, of course. which i probably won't.

i hope tomorrow is a little kinder and gentler...i think i'm going to make cookies and drink some wine....i think those are the sacraments called for on the days of suckage...
peace

a little bit about me...

so last night, i blogged, and then i went outside to feed my dogs. i love feeding my dogs at night. it's one of the last things i do. i like looking at the sky and i like watching my dogs in all their "animal-ness"....it kind of helps me get back in touch with those basic truths about living things and lets me relax and settle down some....

so last night i was thinking about broken health care systems and sicko...and how i kind of didn't like my blog last night. it was so cynical. and i'm not an enemy of cynicism. but i don't like it when i can't find a comfortable resting place in my emotions and i land on cynicism. because for me, it's not a comfortable resting place. i mean, if i've thought about it and that's where i decide i'm just going to have to be, that's one thing. but it is not a good default setting for me....

i was trying to decide what scenes were defining for me in sicko. and i realized that the scene where the woman doctor who was an insurance claim analyst that went and testified before congress about her responsibility in a man's death because she denied him the operation he needed to live, and how she'd never been asked to be accountable for it, and how in her business, that decision ensured her promotion and success...i think that was a pretty important part for michael moore to include. because that woman was not evil. she did not set out to make money by denying people necessary health care. she was a doctor, trained in saving lives and understanding health, hired by an insurance company to do a job.

i don't think she took that job with the vision of testifying before congress in mind. i'm sure she thought she was doing something she was qualified to do--decide based on medical information whether someone needed medical treatment. i'm sure it took her time to realize the true nature of her job, her role in her company. i'm sure it was a gradual series of moments of clarity clouded by frustrations, preoccupation with her own daily life, fear, questioning... and i'm sure it just took time before she developed her awareness of her job, weighed it against her ethics, and made a decision to act on her resulting feelings. but what strikes me is that she was the same person the day before she left her job as she was the day she left. she'd just made a decision to bring her actions more in line with her beliefs, and after doing that, it became easier for others to see who she was. but it didn't change who she was. i mean, it probably did to some degree, but who she was was already in there before she acted in a way that conveyed it...

and that's what i think about the world mostly.... most people are really good people. it's only as they bring their actions in line with their hearts and souls that we see that, though. so we just have to believe in each other. and it's hard sometimes. when a company denies necessary health care (and we're talking about those that are already insured here) to a person...it is easy to hate that company. but who is making those decisions for that company? who are we hating? there is so much responsibility spread out over so many people, that it's hard to say whose vision is propelling it. and it seems, from listening to part of sicko where nixon is talking to kaiser about health care management organizations, that he honestly felt it was a good answer to a problem. maybe it wasn't. but i don't think he was trying to create the cluster fuck we have now... so how to take a not-so-good answer, driven by a desire to do something good (maybe not what we think would be good, but something good), and fix it? i think with some faith that others want it fixed, too...maybe even those we don't expect would want it fixed.

but i mentioned last night that i am not strong at sorting out facts or especially politics. i like watching the nature of people...how different we seem from the outset, but how truly the same we are. so i don't write about these things necessarily proposing solutions...not in policies anyway. i just look for ways to improve the dynamics between people...usually my family is my laboratory....muwahaha but it also helps me in finding a comfortable place to land when i'm thinking about an issue that i don't see a clear answer in and that threatens to push me under in despair...because cynicism is not very buoyant in my experience. and i don't mind swimming a little harder if i need to, but i've also observed that it isn't something i need to just do all the time without realizing why i'm so tired.

ok, enough self awareness today...my head still hurts...
peace

caring about health

so another warning...i post a lot of warnings lately...i'm going to talk a little bit of politics, which is not my forte. matter of fact, i suck at it because my brain is just not wired in a way that handles politics, uhm, what's the word? coherently?... but that doesn't mean i don't think about politics and have opinions about them. i just don't normally share them publicly. that said...

we watched sicko today. and it was thought provoking. (surprised?) i didn't really think i'd like michael moore stuff because his purpose is to incite emotions. and when you are already as emotionally charged as i am, you tend to stay away from people like michael moore. but my sil, who loves emotional charge, also loves michael moore, and encourages everyone to watch his movies. and once at her house, i saw the end of fahrenheit 911 and michael moore was approaching members of congress asking them to get their children to sign up for the armed services. most of the men knew who he was and just wouldn't even talk to him or acknowledge him. but one man was like, "oh, no, see my son has a family..." (big pause of realization that most soldiers have a family....) and while i'll always wonder in the back of my mind if that was in some way staged, it really did strike me at the time as pretty sincere. and that's when i grew a spark of respect for michael moore (beyond that he's a human being, i mean).

so sicko was similar. there were those extreme michael moore moments, where he says something that makes you kind of chuckle...but then there was just too much other stuff in there that was very, very serious. i know he over idealizes other country's health care systems. but he points out some really heartbreaking flaws in ours, too. and i think because health care is something we are all, in some way, familiar with....it was just very poignant.

even N, having been a health care provider for, uhm, over ten years, was pretty thoughtful about it. so how do we change it? it's not a medical issue, frankly. it's a political one. N has spent four years in school and will spend another four in training but still be told what he can or can't do by an insurance company...maybe by a doctor hired by the insurance company, but one who should still be following their hippocratic oath to do no harm. but that insurance company is rich... and it scares me how cynical i feel when i think about the impact of money on americans these days.

i've started about ten other paragraphs, but can't form another cohesive thought on this, so i'm going to stop here. but as far as intelligence strengths go, this is not mine. i heal much more instinctively than i bring about reform. i can teach better than i argue. but this is something that americans have to make a priority in order to fix. because make no mistake, it is broken....

peace

smoldering

homeschoolers often have the coolest quotes in their signature lines. i saw one once that said, "argue not with dragons for thou art tasty and go well with brie." that still cracks me up...

but the one i saw last week that really caught my eye is this one...

"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire."
--Arnold H. Glasow

i understand the direction in this quote, but i do think success can come spontaneously. maybe not grand, sweeping success, but little brown bag ones.... i don't know. maybe i'm so undisciplined that i haven't experienced grand, triumphant success in a long time. maybe i don't know what it is anymore. maybe i've never known. i don't know. i do know that training for this half marathon is like nothing i've ever done before. (although, quite honestly, the last four days have been like something i've done before because i haven't run or trained...but truly it's because i wanted to get christmas up and out and, well, it's just been really busy.)

but the whole notion of setting oneself on fire...wow....this arnold man seems like someone kind of hellbent on success, doesn't he? because i can think of almost nothing else more counter-intuitive than setting myself on fire. yet he says i must to achieve success. as though spontaneous combustion would be success for a lazy person... (cracking myself up for some reason) i don't mind the idea of burning with a passion, yet the idea of setting myself on fire to succeed really offends me....

so maybe success isn't what i'm looking for. maybe success is just part of the journey i'm on...not the destination.

i titled this for the obvious reasons, but also because it's a day when three of my four children erupted into fevers. it was so odd... just like little dominoes..."my head hurts"...boom, boom, boom. three kiddos laid low. the oldest is maintaining health and i think he's kind of proud of it. but i suppose he's earned his immune system the hard way.... so we didn't do much school today. it was a hell of a teacher work day, though. and now i'm all caught up and ready to go. as soon as everyone cools down...

peace out

the advent of, well, advent

we bought our christmas tree today. wow... i don't think we've ever bought it this early. well, at least not since embarking on this whole medicine/doctor journey. i put up lights in our windows, but somehow e touched one strand, and now they don't work. i tell you, christmas lights can be so unpredictable when you don't use them for three or four years...

i started the morning bawling. that wasn't my plan, but these days i just go with what seems to be working. well, i don't know that the bawling was working, but it didn't seem to be fucking anything up, so i counted that as working and went with it. i don't know that i got a lot off of my chest, but it just helped that N didn't get defensive. and he was a little nicer the rest of the day.

see, this is just one of those really, really hard times in life. when you try to go forward, but find it almost impossible some days. you don't want to burden anyone, and you don't want to be a dick to anyone, but some days, you just aren't really yourself... or maybe you are, but it's that person you don't want to admit you know, much less are, so that's basically the same thing, right?

and i really, really appreciate the help i receive, i have received, i am receiving... but i don't always need the challenges. i have lots of those inherently. people who feel the need to challenge me, well, don't know me very well.... and for some reason, that's the first time i've realized that.

but, what i was going to say was that i am learning. i am learning that people probably don't like being challenged by me much either. i mean, husbands, children, and close friends aside, that is...those guys, well, that's just part of the relationship and i expect challenges returned. but i love those guys, like, everyday so, it's different....

a time of waiting...of preparing...of wanting.... yeah, i'm doing all those things. but am i waiting for, preparing for, wanting the right things? i will say that the times i meditate on that are some of the freest times of my life. it all lines up and i can relax into that truth. and if you add up the last week, i've maybe had about ten of those free minutes. :) but i will build on that. and i will call for reinforcements when i can't find my hammer...

peace out

deliverance

so this is a long one...warning ahead of time....

my favorite author is anne lamott. she is brilliant. i try to tell myself that if i put in a good four miles on editing something, maybe i could find something as wonderful as she writes. other times i actually pout and whine in my head because of course i can't write like her...SHE got to be the drug addict and alcoholic....how am I supposed to write so brilliantly without THOSE experiences in my life?...yes, i'm laughing at myself....

so last night was an emotional night. my hormones are in full swing...and i mean FULL swing....one way, then the other....so i pulled out an anne lamott book and did this thing that some of my church friends used to do with the bible. just open it randomly and read that passage. they felt it was god speaking to them. well, last night, i wanted anne lamott to speak to me, so i just picked a random essay. and this is how it started...

Everyone has been having a hard time with life this year; not with all of it, just the waking hours. Being awake is the one real fly in the ointment--but it is also when solutions come to us.

i felt like this was a good sign... it went on to talk about the things giving people a hard time, focusing on the current white house administration...who is still the current white house administration. she talked about how we would be at war for a long time and a friend of hers who was imagining the end of life as we know it....talking about shelters and caves. she also talked about trying to do good to make it through the tough time. and she just carried me away...

But the jungle drums grew louder, and nothing seemed to help. What could possibly help during this administration? God only knows. But in any case, we should try to stay on God's good side. It's not hard. God has extremely low standards. Pray, take care of people, be actively grateful for your blessings, give away your money--you're cool. You're in. Nice room in heaven, flossing no longer required--which is what will make it heave for me. Oh, I mean that, and Jesus.

And then, the rains began again.

I usually welcome the rain, when I'm tired and stressed. Rain suggests that you should go inside, rest, try to stay dry. The scent of rain is fresh and earthy, clean and woolly, of leaves and dirt, wet dogs. We get whiffs of our animal smells, of feet, sweat, and the secret smells of the earth, which she often keeps to herself. Rain gives us back something that has been stolen, a dimension we've been missing--our body, and our soul. Your mind can't give you these. Your sick, worried mind can't heal your sick, worried mind. Well, maybe your mind is lovely and pastoral and you do not suffer from paranoia, hypochondria, a bad attitude, and delusions of victimized grandeur. That is very nice, but we don't want you in our cave after the bombs fall, because you are going to annoy us to death.

Hard rain makes a mess, but is also fills in space we usually walk through without even noticing. It makes the stuff we can't usually see--air and wind--visible, and a lot of what we can see catches the light. We get wet and cold, and then we get to dry off and be warm again.

so her church decides to hold a peace march.

It didn't stop raining, and the wind didn't stop blowing, as if there were too many flies and they were beginning to bother the skin of the universe. The universe was flinching and flailing. And you couldn't fix anything. All you could do was help people. You could set up MASH units in your own life, and tend to people through the sacrament of cocoa and videos, and you could send money, and pray. Things were taking their course--I hate that! But you had to let hem. I tried to slow down. Then I needed to nap so often that I concluded I had leukemia. Everyone had had such worry and muffled tension for so long, and the exhaustion of held breath, and I felt rashy and overwhelmed, like Harvey Fierstein with poison oak.

so annie drives to the peace march, but still didn't really want to get out of her car...

It was noisy, and I know a small-town peace march of a thousand people won't change anything, but I swear I could head God in Her big-mama guise. She said, "Get out of the damn car already." Still, I sat there....But here's what Veronica said during the sermon on bees: God doesn't want or expect you to get it together before you come along, because you can't get it together until you come along. You can spend half of your time alone, but you also have to be in service, in community, or you get a little funny.

the march was nice...it didn't rain much throughout, but picked up once it was over. annie got a little wet, but then she got to go home and get dry again.

i am teaching my children about the sacraments of our catholic church. but last night, i took part in the sacraments of chocolate chip cookies and milk and anne lamott. i still woke up grouchy for no apparent reason (other than my life completely overwhelms me right now and i'm just looking to get on my feet) but i am grateful for the peace i had last night. sacraments are times when we can find god more closely, what are called "thin moments"....where whatever stands between us and spirit is not so thick.

i am grateful beyond words for the writer that anne lamott is. she delivers me over and over again from my own sick, worried mind. breathes a little more confidence and faith in me and sets me back on my feet, or lays me down in a comfortable safe place and pulls the blanket up just right. amen, mama...

peace