cookies and power

i am a baking fool these days. ok, not really. but i meant to be. i had planned to be. and i was going to give a lot of those cookies i would produce in my baking foolery to rock gym teachers and neighbors. well, i put in a solid two and a half hours baking last night, and came up with 18 peanut butter cookies and four dozen chocolate/butterscotch cookies. i guess it'll have to do... i mean, i can bake more tomorrow and such, but for the two places i need to deliver cookies today...this will ahve to do. how is it that christmas cheer and good intentions can sometimes turn into, "well, whatever..." (and i took out all the bad words from that last part because it just didn't feel right...)

my number one son is pushing some of my buttons lately. now, he is the best button pusher. i think his leg up on that comes from being the first and original button pusher. but i also know it has something to do with his personality....how i over identify with some of it and how i am over mortified by other parts (well, truly, they're probably the same parts). but he is on this power thing lately and, well, i am hoping he makes it through this intact....as in, i don't rip him limb from limb. because really, i have no rational desire to do that. but when he is bossing his brothers around, insulting them, and just generally shitting upon them...i just get this weird tingly feeling and kind of want to hurt him. i know, i know, he's my son!.... but so are they. and i am torn....maybe that's why i want to do a little tearing. which is probably the same shit that gets him in trouble... oi... so i'm modeling appropriate behavior and i'm praying for enlightenment...for both of us....hell, for all of us.

maybe it's working...my eight year old just came in and said, "mom, burps have a taste." i asked, "oh, what do they taste like?" and he said, "whatever you were drinking....if it's water, they don't taste like anything." [insert big, dimpled smile]

i think i'll count that as a ray of light coming on down....
peace