Wednesday, December 19, 2007

some thinking time...

this has been a difficult month...yes, it's the christmas rush. yes, there's much pressure...time wise, money wise, even love wise...because ultimately, that's what it's about, right? we're trying to buy the perfect give because we love someone (or LOTS of someones), there's a deadline, and money is not infinite (at least not for most of us). but it's also been N's month to work nights, and that has also been exhausting. i'm sure it's been hellacious for him, but i'm not him. i can say with absolute surety that it's been very, very hard for me, though. i don't sleep well without him here. i can only assume this is about his energy presence in the house, because usually i fall asleep after he has. but i have been unable to fall asleep until about two, when i just pass out exhausted. which has greatly affected my emotions. which has all come together to leave me feeling rather edgy, bitter, bitchy, tired, grouchy, frustrated, unhappy, weepy, and just generally unhealthy and unpleasant.

and i'm ashamed to say i've been sharing quite a bit of this psychic germ... with anyone who will listen, really. so when a friend yesterday was emailing back and forth and listed the things going on in her life, and one of those things listed was "friends all feeling crappy" and then concluded "just another day on planet Earth" well, i felt kind of weird. because i thought, well, yeah, i guess it's not unusual that i'm complaining. and it made me think about what's going on with me and how to change it.

so last night i meditated before bed...or while falling asleep. i do it most nights, but i haven't done it at all this month. i could feel knots waiting to have a little attention paid them, so i focused on them, and they relaxed considerably. i felt so much more aligned, relaxed when i fell asleep. it's weird the things we leave behind without even so much as a second thought, until we start to notice the side effects of their absence. then we're motivated to get back to where we need to be... i also have running clothes on today. we'll see if i make it up there...but it feels good just to remember i have these clothes and the comfort they bring for whatever reason that i am not sure of now but don't care...i just know it's a good thing, and that's enough.

a funny thing is...i had a dream last night. haven't had one of those in awhile. it was about a mama i share cyberspace with. i've never met her, but i've seen pics of her and her children. (she writes the on the upswing blog listed in my blogroll) it was such a pleasant, just hanging out kind of dream. she came to visit me because she knew i was down. we went to her house and hung out with her kids. it was good. funny thing....she drove with her young son in her lap the whole time. i'm fairly certain he rides in a car seat in real life, but in this dream she had him on her lap because that's where he wanted to be and that's where she wanted him, and it just felt so damn natural, it was alright. it was neat. she also had a really nice voice. i wonder what my mind was trying to tell me with that dream?

it was just nice to check in with myself. i was being lead by my head, but my heart was, i don't know, somewhere else...i had to go find it and sit with it a bit. i'm glad i did... i wish i wouldn't forget to do it sometimes, but i guess that's just how the universe works....peaks and valleys...comings and goings.

so today has been perfect and wonderful. just kidding... but it's bearable. we haven't gotten much done, and there are so many things i want to get done. i think that's why my neck is so goofed up...all the anxiety i've been carrying around. but i've gotten some stuff taken care of and the kids are playing a marathon game of monopoly. n is winning--i think he's played fairly, too, because he's being quite humble about owning boardwalk and park place and having houses on all his properties, not to mention he just sounds surprised to be doing so well. and they all seem to be getting along and i am grateful for that. i think i'll go work on the jigsaw a bit and then decide which project i want to attempt this afternoon, once N is awake.


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