the advent of, well, advent

we bought our christmas tree today. wow... i don't think we've ever bought it this early. well, at least not since embarking on this whole medicine/doctor journey. i put up lights in our windows, but somehow e touched one strand, and now they don't work. i tell you, christmas lights can be so unpredictable when you don't use them for three or four years...

i started the morning bawling. that wasn't my plan, but these days i just go with what seems to be working. well, i don't know that the bawling was working, but it didn't seem to be fucking anything up, so i counted that as working and went with it. i don't know that i got a lot off of my chest, but it just helped that N didn't get defensive. and he was a little nicer the rest of the day.

see, this is just one of those really, really hard times in life. when you try to go forward, but find it almost impossible some days. you don't want to burden anyone, and you don't want to be a dick to anyone, but some days, you just aren't really yourself... or maybe you are, but it's that person you don't want to admit you know, much less are, so that's basically the same thing, right?

and i really, really appreciate the help i receive, i have received, i am receiving... but i don't always need the challenges. i have lots of those inherently. people who feel the need to challenge me, well, don't know me very well.... and for some reason, that's the first time i've realized that.

but, what i was going to say was that i am learning. i am learning that people probably don't like being challenged by me much either. i mean, husbands, children, and close friends aside, that is...those guys, well, that's just part of the relationship and i expect challenges returned. but i love those guys, like, everyday so, it's different....

a time of waiting...of preparing...of wanting.... yeah, i'm doing all those things. but am i waiting for, preparing for, wanting the right things? i will say that the times i meditate on that are some of the freest times of my life. it all lines up and i can relax into that truth. and if you add up the last week, i've maybe had about ten of those free minutes. :) but i will build on that. and i will call for reinforcements when i can't find my hammer...

peace out