so, today sucks...

i don't know why, but it does. just one of those days where you can feeling it kind of tugging on your sleeve all day and you try to ignore it, but eventually you look down and there it is, and it's right, and today sucks.

this is a really different place for us. really different and really familiar too... still in debt, but not accruing anymore, which is good... N's hours are sooooo crazy. and they change each month, which is how it was before, but this working a whole month of nights is kicking our ass and it's only been a week. i mean, it's kicking our ass in different ways, but they're still pretty kicked. he gets paid, sort of, which creates the illusion we aren't falling deeper into debt, but i don't know....it's a mindfuck for sure. i mean, it certainly isn't nothing, but it's just barely something sometimes....

and homeschooling is hard when there is so much stress and money is tight because i believe the kids need to take classes, be exposed to people who are passionate and excited about sharing what they do, what they love. i certainly can't be EVERYTHING to my kids, but i can get them almost anywhere. and i will. it'll be fine....

i know things will be ok. sometimes i am afraid that i am walking along, acting like it's all ok, but it is all falling apart around me. and then i look around me and things are fine. and that's when i realize it is inside me where things are all messed up....like the world isn't falling apart around me...it's blown up inside of me.

but i really do know it is going to be ok. things will be fine. it will all work itself out in the end.

someone reminded me the other day about how nice it would be when N started working and really making money, and i thought yeah, then we'll have money to pay for the bypass i'll need from all the stress induced cardiac disease. or something... i just hope to be sane when he gets to that point. i'll be happy when i can pay off some of our debt, but then my goal will be to help others pay off theirs because this is just some fucking stress people don't need.

my sons have been doing this wrestling thing. and it really bothers me. and today i told them why. i talked about respect for each other and themselves. i talked about their dad and i wrestling and the trust it implies...that one of us will say stop when it's time to stop, but also that the other will listen, that no one will push their advantage, even just a little. i told my sons that they needed to have that kind of trust with each other before wrestling would be safe. and my oldest was all pissy about it. and it is so weird because he looks so much older than i think a thirteen year old should look...it is funky. and his dad told me later that he hoped one day n would find his thing. and that made me feel this flash of all these emotions... frustration because it costs money to take him to classes, lessons, etc....and it takes time and he needs support...and we are very taxed in these ways because we are all trying to help N find his thing. (which in all fairness he has found...it's just a long road to some people's things...) which made me think, why can't his wife help him find his thing like i helped you find yours?!?! what am i?!?! the national thing finder guider? what about my thing? oh hell, i forgot to find my thing...

i'm just being bitchy. my thing is my family, for now. i know in some way it always will be. but some day there will be enough time for me to find other things...if i don't die of a stroke first. stress induced, of course. which i probably won't.

i hope tomorrow is a little kinder and gentler...i think i'm going to make cookies and drink some wine....i think those are the sacraments called for on the days of suckage...
peace