five important words

this-is-not-about-me

i saw my the-rapist today. it was a good one. i was talking to her about the dynamics of the meeting my robotics team and parents had last night. about how hard it is to go forward with a group of adults i feel have such different philosophies from me. but i still feel responsible to this team, responsible for part of this journey. and how to reconcile a lot of that...find the flat place--you know, the one that's not slippery or jagged. so we talked about different people's expectations when it comes to competition...particularly adults coaching children in competitions. it helped to hear her say that my co-coach was making the classic mistake of making this about her...not because i needed to hear i was right, but because there was understanding and even a hint of forgiveness in the-rapist's voice when she said it...and that's what i'm striving for. the-rapist helped me remember that it is not the end of the world for children to have adults who make mistakes leading them...i can even turn out alright when those adults are completely unable to admit they ever made a mistake. my job isn't to remove all of those challenges from children's lives...it's to be there alongside them as they walk through them, helping as best i can...which often means just being quiet and being there.

i find this challenging to me because i want to believe my ideals are right...are good. and i do. but it would help if everyone was jumping to get on the same bandwagon...would make it seem all the more right and good. but there are lots of good bandwagons out there...some of them driven only by a person or two, i suppose. and whether someone agrees with me or not...well...it is not about me. it is about many other things and i'm not one of them. i like it when the-rapist says these words, because she holds up her five fingers. now she doesn't even have to say them...i know what the five raised fingers means.

i am sure things will turn out just fine. i will find a balance and not spiral into craziness... this is a team of people led by good intentions...no one is trying, purposely, to sabotage anyone. i feel my awareness reaching an equilibrium...a place where i won't be so easily toppled. i just keep waiting for my emotions to settle down and follow suit.

i laughed on the way home from counseling today, though, because i was listening to brandi carlile and "my song" came on. to me, it seems like a song that is supposed to be about her, but she can't help but define herself by this other relationship...so as she basically sings this song to another person, she keeps going back to "but this is my song"...it makes me laugh because i have so long defined myself by my relationships, successful and unsuccessful both, that these five words are really, really hard sometimes. but i can see a lot of light beyond that doorway if i can get myself to fully walk through...

peace