breathing

yes, i'm still around. yes, i've been thinking about lots. no, there hasn't been time to blog about any of it. yes, i've already forgotten most of it. i'm just still so tired these days.

it feels funny talking about being pregnant. i mean, i am and stuff...i know this. but after not telling anyone for...six weeks?...it's just kind of weird being out of the closet. i feel like i don't even remember how to do this. if my stomach's empty, i'm nauseous. if i eat too much, i'm nauseous. and i am not doing a very good job of finding the balance. and it doesn't help that food is just so appealing these days. a fried egg on a piece of toast this morning almost made me cry it was so good...but then lots of things almost make me cry. it is fun trying to hold my head up and maintain some dignity when i feel kind of silly that everything, for one reason or another, makes me want to cry. but i don't cry...much...

it was funny. last night, my spouse walked in the door...and it's just been such a busy semester (yada yada) and we'd had a busy weekend with friends visiting and the kids were grumpy and the teen was angsty and attitudinal and dh walked in at just the moment that i was thinking i'd really like to just cry about this to him. do you understand how rare that is? for him to actually walk in the door at the minute i'm thinking about talking to him? this almost never happens. so when i saw him, i started crying. (i'm cracking up at myself here) and he said, "oh, i'm sorry, i can leave if you want..." and that made me cry more. it was kind of sweet and pathetic and i'm just glad that moment's over.

yeah, so that's where i am. and the semester is really pretty much over. i don't have to spend six hours on the road picking my teen up from his dual enrollment class anymore. today was his last day. yes, this makes me so happy i want to cry. but tomorrow is also the last day of co-op for the semester. and the next day is the last piano lesson til the fall. and the last soccer practice of the season got rained out. and i cannot even begin to express in words how different this feels. like the lightening off my chest almost hurts, it's so huge... and the feeling of freedom truly is just about intoxicating. i am very proud of all we accomplished this school year...it was an incredible ride. we worked damned hard and, yes, it makes me cry to think about how impressed i am with my kiddos...and myself, too. but i am so, so, SO looking forward to resetting a few priorities...getting back to center in the home...with the family...preparing for the new arrival, taking care of each other, and doing some reading and artsy stuff together, playing lots outside, seeing folks we love.

yeah, i'm wiping a tear or two. :)
peace

ps--am i the only one who thinks it's weird that spell check flagged "angsty" but not "attitudinal"? just wondering...

a few more laps

with this whole wanting to be loved, but not feeling worthy thing... i guess i mean that i've always waited for my mom to like me for who i am. and that it never occurred to me, as a child, that her inability to do that was because of her...not me. which doesn't make her a bad person. i don't know why i'm wired to desire love the way i am. i don't think she had anything to do with that...at least not that i can figure. just the cycle of how her reactions sparked an inner dialogue in me. to be specific, she never said, "you are not worthy" or anything remotely resembling. it was all just a random-ish row of dominoes falling, i think.

anyway...i came back to this because i was thinking about this last night...how in constructing this fabricated "i don't need love because i'm not really worthy of it" outward appearance, inside that, what i was growing was like the big, blood sucking, human eating plant on little shop of horrors...FEED ME SEYMORE!!! this kind of crazy, out of control, bottomless pit of need... like the stay puff marshmallow man on ghostbusters, only make that me as a two year old...

anyway...my husband, in many ways, has taken it in the teeth on this. not that he hasn't been able to give some in return ala his own over-inflated inner two year old...but he has certainly been a sport through the doubting, suspicions, and flat.out.raging.fucking.pissed.off.anger that he's been the target of a time or two over the last fifteen or so years... because i need, and i mean n.e.e.d. but i refuse to accept so often. and it wasn't because he wasn't sincere. at least not always. it was often because i did not feel worthy and couldn't trust him even when he meant it.

this is true in almost all of my relationships. and i'm almost giddy over becoming aware of this...i mean, i am also profoundly sad to realize that it was, in fact, me who was too tied up in my own shit to realize what i've been receiving most of my life. even from my mom, i suppose, in a lot of ways. but i do think some relationships run much more healthily with some boundaries in place...and i think ours will, too. and while it's easier to blame others and be angry at others, it is so much more empowering to realize the potential in my own behavior.

anyway...so...i thought i'd end this with posting the very first video i ever saw of indigo girls...the one chance exposure that gave me this twenty year obsession. and this song has been playing through my head quite a bit lately...
peace

ps--yeah, i just posted a link. my computer is running so freaking, fracking slowly these days, it makes me want to smash my head through the monitor. and i'm not a road rage kind of gal...but apparently i AM a computer rage kind of gal. anyway...it was safer to just post a link to the video. this was also the first time i was pretty sure i'd have a tattoo someday...when i watched this video. just thought i'd share.

i just don't want anyone to get hurt

so awhile back we went and saw the new indiana jones movie...last weekend, maybe... and it was great indiana jones. i figured the big screen of the drive-in would make it a little less intense for my guys who are not so experienced in the capabilities of special effects when conveying scary stuff. and then there's the fact that at the drive-in, you don't have to cover your eyes when you're scared. you just look up at a beautiful field of stars, and instead of being a chicken, you're a star gazer. how cool is that?

when we got home, there were a few "concerns" at bedtime. and the one that was the most concerned was my second born son, my ten year old. he kind of looked at me, rolled his eyes a little, and said, "it's ok...mostly..." in a voice that said "i'm not feeling safe to go to bed...sorry." and it was the apology in his voice that got me. because i was the same way as a child. i could watch scary movies with the rest of everyone, but my parents put a stop to it. because they were the ones who ended up by my bed at night while i was wide awake, looking out for the radioactive children from the bus that drove through the funny cloud and had black fingernails and burned and killed everyone they touched in that small town...just in case they showed up in my bedroom, you know?

so i hug my son...i tell him that those guys are fine....they LOVE what they do...get paid LOTS of money to do it. that they are having the times of their lives making it look like they're in danger or hurting one another or whatever. and aren't they quite good at that? at which point he looks up at me and says, "i just don't want anyone to get hurt." and i hug him closer and get tears in my eyes.

because i feel, at times, like we live in a world that would annihilate a boy who says that. would call him a sissy, tell him to "toughen up," and make him hide that part of himself so far down, no one would ever find it again. embarrass him, mock him, whatever it took. i see stuff like this often...our society doesn't even pretend to be kind much of the time. they make fun of people without even a hint of kindness, apology, or sense of shared humanity is what i guess i'm really getting at. and i love that my son is so openly sensitive. that he remains who he is while caring for others...even when the others tell him he should be different. i learn a lot from him.

i told him i understood...that i don't want anyone to get hurt either. and that even though people do still get hurt, they heal, too, and that's sometimes better than staying safe. he looked at me and smiled this smile... sometimes i think he knows stuff i haven't even begun to ponder yet.

i don't know why i get so defensive about that part of myself and those i love. it's really unnecessary.

i was feeling kind of defensive last night because trying to be peaceful and gentle...trying to believe that people have the answers in themselves and just need time and love to find them...and that there's really no need to hurt someone...that we all have equal value as human beings...is not easy. you watch others come in and try to direct someone, tell them what they need to do, maybe the other person tries it for awhile, and then maybe it all blows up or falls apart or sets them back a little or forward a little or whatever. and there you are, watching the whole thing, loving everyone involved even though you're human...you might feel a little impatient with the whole situation...with some one's need to be in charge and tell others what to do...or some one's inability to stand up for themselves. and here you are...watching, loving, trying to be patient while everyone thinks you're a "yes" woman, or afraid to stand up for yourself, or unable to lead or direct. yet you know you've made this commitment, you have this core belief...and you can't help but stick with your truth, stay your course, it feels so deeply right, even though, frankly, a part of you is starting to want to go ahead and chunk it all out the window and just let fly with the negativity you are trying to convert to a positive energy to benefit everyone... ack.

this is getting a bit cynical here. but i will end it with saying that again, i could be the person any of those pronouns take the place of in the previous paragraph, and i know it. as much as i try to support people in becoming who they feel pulled to be, i know i blow it. i know i push. i am, in fact, quite human. ask my kids...they don't lie. they may have a moment of blind optimism, but give them a minute and it'll pass. as much as i despise people thinking any of those things about me, i know there are people i've thought those things about. it hurts me to be the thinker as much as it hurts me to be the feeler. and for some reason, seeing the truth in that sets me free...free from what others' may see in me and free from that same judgmental part of myself.

it is what i feel pulled to be and it is what i think i see reflected sometimes in my ten year old's eyes. he's already pretty much there. i think he's saving me a spot.

peace

ps--i've posted a version of this song before. i have always loved it, though i don't completely understand it. it's the indigo girls and emily sings beautifully, even though it's not the whole song. i can understand parts of the song, but not what the whole thing is saying, although maybe it is saying that when you take a nonviolent path, you don't last as long in this world...because those on a violent path maybe take you out. and that ultimately, that is a part of the path of nonviolence. of course, we'd all like to live to be as old at the dalai lama, but that's not a guarantee. for anyone, truly... still pondering...