Friday, October 17, 2008

a few more laps

with this whole wanting to be loved, but not feeling worthy thing... i guess i mean that i've always waited for my mom to like me for who i am. and that it never occurred to me, as a child, that her inability to do that was because of her...not me. which doesn't make her a bad person. i don't know why i'm wired to desire love the way i am. i don't think she had anything to do with least not that i can figure. just the cycle of how her reactions sparked an inner dialogue in me. to be specific, she never said, "you are not worthy" or anything remotely resembling. it was all just a random-ish row of dominoes falling, i think.

anyway...i came back to this because i was thinking about this last in constructing this fabricated "i don't need love because i'm not really worthy of it" outward appearance, inside that, what i was growing was like the big, blood sucking, human eating plant on little shop of horrors...FEED ME SEYMORE!!! this kind of crazy, out of control, bottomless pit of need... like the stay puff marshmallow man on ghostbusters, only make that me as a two year old... husband, in many ways, has taken it in the teeth on this. not that he hasn't been able to give some in return ala his own over-inflated inner two year old...but he has certainly been a sport through the doubting, suspicions, and that he's been the target of a time or two over the last fifteen or so years... because i need, and i mean n.e.e.d. but i refuse to accept so often. and it wasn't because he wasn't sincere. at least not always. it was often because i did not feel worthy and couldn't trust him even when he meant it.

this is true in almost all of my relationships. and i'm almost giddy over becoming aware of this...i mean, i am also profoundly sad to realize that it was, in fact, me who was too tied up in my own shit to realize what i've been receiving most of my life. even from my mom, i suppose, in a lot of ways. but i do think some relationships run much more healthily with some boundaries in place...and i think ours will, too. and while it's easier to blame others and be angry at others, it is so much more empowering to realize the potential in my own behavior. thought i'd end this with posting the very first video i ever saw of indigo girls...the one chance exposure that gave me this twenty year obsession. and this song has been playing through my head quite a bit lately...

ps--yeah, i just posted a link. my computer is running so freaking, fracking slowly these days, it makes me want to smash my head through the monitor. and i'm not a road rage kind of gal...but apparently i AM a computer rage kind of gal. was safer to just post a link to the video. this was also the first time i was pretty sure i'd have a tattoo someday...when i watched this video. just thought i'd share.

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