Friday, October 17, 2008

puppy dog tails?

i have known that much of my life, my motivating emotions are often fear or guilt. and while i knew those weren't the emotions i wanted to be ruled by, it is often difficult to stop a habit that is almost as involuntary as breathing. i had made small changes in this area...but nothing i appreciated or even felt encouraged by.

i often wouldn't be aware of how fear and guilt had influenced me until after i had acted. so then i started to wonder if fear and guilt were truly a part of why i acted, or just a part of how i view my own behavior. kind of a like a dog chasing its tail...

but a lot of the realizations about my relationship with my mother growing up...or the awareness of the reality...looking at it through an adult's eyes instead of still looking at it through the eyes of the child who was there...has helped me to see ways i can truly change this habit of being ruled and weighed down by fear and guilt.

i am not angry at my mother. although i will speak up the next time she tells me how fluffy i am...but that won't be in will be in confidence in myself and an unwillingness to remain the two year old who still wants her approval, but doesn't think she deserves it. those words sound so silly in an adult's mouth...but they are so absolute in a child's heart and mind. my mother always took such responsibility for who i was...was always so proud of herself when i succeeded or so disgusted when i misbehaved and made her look stupid. it's been an uphill journey learning to feel for myself who i am. especially when people pleasing tends to benefit those around you...who often don't realize how toxic you are. i am coming out of that darkness a bit...some rays are coming in...maybe even a breeze sometimes. i was telling my spouse the other day how self-indulgent some of these thoughts feel. why do i have to think about something so much or so long before i see it more clearly or it settles into a pattern that makes life a little easier? but it's just the way i am. and while i've spent so much of my life trying to be someone different...whoever those i love wanted me to be...i'm finally learning to be me...which is who they wanted me to be all along. dog...tail...again... i knew life was all about circles...


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