joy

tonight, i can't help myself...i feel joy. i don't know if it's a delirium brought on by exhaustion and stress, if it was church, if it's the smiles and touches of my children, if it's the help and support given me my friends and family...those things are always a part of my life. but tonight...i feel joy.

i looked at the trees tonight, empty and bare...stark. my grass is brown and flat. and it reminded me, in a way it's only done since i moved to this town, of the seasons of life. only since i've been here have i really noticed the barrenness of winter and craved the green life that spring brings. and it has often made me aware of the seasons of life. i have felt like much of the last year has been winter. when i went through my calendar at the end of this last year, i was relieved to be reminded of all the green times i had forgotten. my seasons definitely cycle a little quicker than the trees...but that's okay. i was thinking tonight about how the brown grass will be green again...and maybe it holds the joy of knowing that time will come. but then it must also hold the knowledge that winter will always come, and spring again. and how both of those things exist always. and it helped me hold my own knowledge. of the stark and the lush. of the brown and the green. the death and the life. the sadness, fear, loneliness, and anger as well as the happiness, courage, company, and joy.

and tonight, i just can't shake this joy. and for that, i am thankful.

peace

dark

most of my adult life, i have been struck by how different dark is at night. it's been fascinating and delightful to me to walk outside to see what color the night sky is. seemed most of my childhood that dark was one color...if it was dark outside, it was dark...night...black. but lately i've noticed that dark can be quite bright at times. i've joked before about getting a moonburn. and that is strangely comforting to me when it happens...to be out on a night that is so bright, i have to shade my eyes when i walk out of my dark house. and then some nights, it is so dark that it is like being wrapped in black velvet. i can't even make out the trees that are a few feet from me and need a flashlight just to find the dogs' bowls. and that comforts me as well.

i have a pete seger and arlo guthrie cd called precious friend that i love listening to. and on that cd, arlo guthrie says you can't have a light without a dark to put it in. and this has been sticking in my head lately. maybe because through much of my pregnancy and here the last few weeks, i've felt kind of in the dark. anne lamott talks about circles of light to step into...waiting for the next circle of light to reveal itself so we know where to walk. but sometimes, i feel like i'm not standing in a circle of light, so maybe i've stepped to where there really aren't any other circle of lights coming...i guess like i've lost my way. but what i've noticed is that even at those times, points of light will come...maybe only blink like a lone firefly. but that they are there, and they at least let me know that if i wait patiently and look, or maybe if i even don't wait patiently and don't even look, that they will still find me and eventually, e-v-e-n-t-u-a-l-l-y, i will find myself in a circle of light, or maybe even a full daytime sun.

having a house full of kids can provide you with lots of points of lights. but it can also wear you out to where you've got your eyes shut so tightly, you don't know that you necessarily want to see anything, even if it is light.

things have been tough in the family circle. not here in this house, although we've had our share of nights and days here. but there are some dark times in the houses of those my spouse shared womb with, and it's tough to know those you love (even if you didn't chose them consciously but in a spiritual way your conscious mind can't always understand and frankly doesn't always want to understand) are in the dark. but i know in a way i can't prove that light will come. light is there. and eventually, there will be brighter times. things will be different. they always are. sometimes they just change a little more rapidly than we were expecting. and we may miss the way they were...or even think about the way they could've been. but they will be. and then they'll change again.

i miss some friends i had before we moved. they are still my friends, and it is different, and i do miss the way they were, but they still are, and somehow, even though i miss what was, what is seems even better in some ways. i miss the times we had together, those wonderful things you do together that you get to take for granted, but that can be savored when you just don't live close enough to keep doing them. but what is left is something that is richer...for some reason...or at least it seems so.

there's this poem that i saw on retreat years ago.

be still and know that i am god
be still and know that i am
be still and know
be still
be

i have thought about this poem a number of times lately. it has come into my mind repeatedly, and i'd let it play through, not really seeing the relevance, but i've never really been a person to need a lot of relevance. but now i see where it's been leading me.

there are lots of things we do in the dark. we grope, strain our eyes, bump into things...we sleep, dream, make love...nurse babies, sing lullabies, pray...cry, worry, mindfuck...and sometimes we just wait for the sunrise.

it was a busy day today...a good day...a productive day full of friends and activities and learning and smiles. first day of spring semester in co-op, chemistry, robotics. i didn't get to talk to my baby girl today, but there is tomorrow. (she is quite a little "talker" these days...getting very responsive when we have the chance to chat.) she went to bed a little earlier tonight...i'm guessing it's because our day started a little earlier. and i'm not even going to waste my time feeling guilty over the happiness this hour to myself before i collapse into bed has given me. two blogs in one night...wow! i cannot think of a time i have felt so content and peaceful in the last couple of weeks. but tomorrow is a night away and i think i'll go enjoy the dark behind my eyelids.

peace

the goal is awareness

and i am failing miserably.

i set a goal this week to be aware of what i do with my time. yet i still arrive at the end of my days wondering where the hell the time went and whether or not i got a thing done...and then i usually fall asleep before i answer either of those questions. which makes for a rather disjointed existence...lots of surprises, i 'll admit...but a little disconcerting when you're a hsing mama of five.

but let me tell you a couple of things i remember...

one thing i find deeply, deeply pleasing in a quiet, delightful way is the way water runs through baby hair. my youngest and i took a bath tonight and i had that warm full feeling you get when you get to do something you love, forgot you loved, and all of a sudden, the warmth of every time you've ever done it fills you.

i'm watching that same littlest suck her fingers with sleepy swollen eyes try to suck her thumb while i type this.

and i heard the absolute funniest line tonight..."i'm going to tell him every time he looks at porn, god kills a puppy."

ok, littlest is finished. g'nite...
peace

possibility

when i blog in my head, i try to come up with a title that will help me remember what i was thinking about...one word to capture a thread of what i'm working on as i drive or fall asleep or rock and nurse a baby. a few days ago, i named a thread perspective. but i can't for the life of me remember what it was about. well, obviously it was about perspective, but i couldn't remember how that was relevant to whatever it was i was thinking about. oh well.

so today, i typed a line about how having a teenager and a baby in the house made the air crackle with possibility. and i really liked that...something deep inside me raised its fist and went "right on!" so i felt i was on to something. on the way to mass, i thought more about it. about the possibilities of my youngest as she grows and develops...and i mean from the ground up, you know. those darned hands...they're difficult. she keeps bopping herself on the head and i'm pretty sure that's not what she was trying to do. but she doesn't dwell in frustration...she keeps on going. i think we'll have a party when she gets control of those little hands. and her eyes...oh man...the other day she had the hiccups and every time she'd hiccup, her eyes would cross. and it would take her a few minutes to uncross them. but then she'd hiccup and they'd cross again. it was a little diaphragm/ocular muscle workout for about fifteen minutes. i admit it, i laughed. and it's awesome watching her develop and grow...all those possibilities for her. it squeezes my heart.

and then there's her biggest brother with all of his own possibilities. a brother-in-law who's a high school counselor talked to me about testing, scholarship, and college admission requirements over the holiday. (and btw, it's kind of really uncool to talk to a new mom about this stuff so soon after birth...just if you were wondering...makes her feel THAT MUCH MORE overwhelmed than she already did and also makes her kind of hate you...just sayin') but my teen has so many possibilities ahead of him. and i don't just mean educationally or academically or career choosing/developing/shaping. his first girlfriend broke up with him yesterday. oh my...for a nonviolent woman, i really did want to punch her face in just the tiniest bit. and watching him deal with that...that squeezed lots of stuff, too. and i'll admit it, i cried...after everyone went to bed that night...a little because i hurt for him and a little for me just because it felt overwhelming.

there is so much emphasis on raising babies. and the teen years so often just get generalized as difficult or rebellious or whatever. but it is amazing watching a young one cross that long winding bridge to self responsibility and accountability. (like the way i made it sound like there's an end to that bridge? well, if there is, i haven't found it yet) it's just neat to go from walking in front of your child, holding their hands, supporting them, clearing the path of any dangers, showing them where to go, providing them good nutrition, good opportunities, experiences to walking alongside them...sometimes even letting them lead. hell, sometimes needing them to lead. and this is what i've found parenting to be about...for all five of them. and so i have six wonderful folks i get to do walk with daily...because yes, my pharmacist/doctor/breadwinner husband walks right alongside us. and that is just so much possibility in one house...

when i taught philosophy, i read this poem with the students by emily dickinson called "i dwell in possibility"...

I dwell in Possibility--
A fairer House than Prose--
More numerous of Windows--
Superior--for Doors--

Of Chambers as the Cedars--
Impregnable of Eye--
And for an Everlasting Roof
The Gambrels of the Sky--

Of visitors--the fairest--
For Occupation--This--
The spreading wide my narrow Hands
To gather Paradise--

the kids were brilliant about it. i remember one student that brought tears to my eyes as he talked about his blank page being possibility...nothing but everything at the same time. and i think this is where i dwell...or what dwells in me...either way.

peace

glub glub

i am tired. and life goes on. this is how it is with newborns...it's kind of coming back to me, but it's all so foggy, i guess it's just more of a vague dejavu feeling (and yes, spell check says that's spelled wrong, but i know that it's something like that, dammit). i feel like i'm living life underwater...like when you try to have a tea party at the bottom of the swimming pool, or try to say things underwater and see if the other person can understand you. my eyes burn like i've been in chlorine and often times i cannot understand what someone else is trying to say, so i just smile and nod and think "whatever." i mean really, i kept harping on having a newborn...at 35...with a teenager in the house...and a preteen. but i never even began to take into consideration the whole proximity to christmas issue. yeah...glub, baby, glub.

and i was thinking tonight how pregnancies and babies kind of stick you on a health kick whether or not you want one. how you can't drink or smoke when you're pregnant. you have to eat well...for two. and then after baby's born i mean...you can drink...but not a lot...and after nine months of being pregnant, i find it best to not tempt myself. and this baby does not do well when i eat dairy...like, she cries and grunts and is in pain. so really...no drinking, no smoking, and no dairy. i'm sitting here eating this "dairy free frozen iced dessert" which basically tastes like frozen chocolate water...mmm....but i've almost knocked out the whole pint.

really, i just needed to get those things out because they're really weighing me down...killing my buzz. i am wasted tired. and it is a lonely feeling no matter who you've got to talk to because, well, i think it just has to be. babies don't talk and so mamas have to be alone, get quiet, remember how to communicate in those other ways. when i watch her, i see her change her expressions when she sleeps. i see things that make me laugh out loud or get tears in my eyes. i watch her look like me, like her brothers, like her dad. i watch her take in her world. i can tell when she's looking at something or just zoning out, getting ready to fall asleep. i see her dance with sleep, in and around sleep. i love to watch her relax. my favorite is when she makes really passionate noises...not cries...almost like crying, but she pauses in between...to give me time to think about what she's said.

she likes the indigo girls. ask her biggest brother...he tries to play all kinds of music for her on his guitar, but the only thing that soothes her is closer to fine. her littlest big brother got to hold her standing up tonight...this was huge for him...i don't know why kids are so adamant to try the very things you ask them not to...he'd mention it every other day or so..."i can't wait until i'm big enough to hold the baby standing up"...but he did really well. one of her middle big brothers constantly refers to himself in the third person when he talks to her...i wonder sometimes if she wonders who he's talking about...even though i know she's not quite there yet...it just strikes me as funny. and her other middle big brother finally held her for the first time two nights ago, even though he's almost six years older than the littlest big brother ("he's the only brother who hasn't held her standing up...well, the only big brother who's ALLOWED to hold her standing up that is...i'm not allowed yet"). he doesn't talk to her too much...he's like me...he's afraid of rejection from the babies...afraid they'll see some character flaw we're able to hide from older, less observant folks.

life is so different. it is so much harder in some ways. it is so much richer in some ways. it's so rich, it's like walking through sticky mud...makes you slow down...wears you out...gets frustrating, throws off your groove..but you also notice more stuff. you can look at your feet and dwell on being angry that your shoes are getting fucked up. you can fret at the time that's being wasted. or you can look around and see how much greener everything is after all the rain. of course, when it rains in the winter, there's not so much green. but there is still a beauty to things being bare...everything waiting for the next spring. mostly, i'm just excited i can type sentences...well, sort of...even while i'm so tired.

now i must go figure out what i've bought each child for christmas...i can't keep things straight in my head. and i need to go finish the last of my christmas cards. and drink some water...i keep forgetting to drink the damned water. how are you supposed to make breast milk when you forget to drink fluids?...glub glub

peace

dare i be so bold...

as to say i'm back? it'd be nice...but maybe this is just another visit, i don't know. i blog all the time in my head, though. just never really have the time to sit down and type it out. there are so many other hundreds of things i haven't yet gotten to...things i'm pretty severely behind on...but here i sit. must be time, i guess.

so i had the baby. a girl, ifyoucanbelieveit. i'm having a hard time believing it myself. things i forgot about having a newborn...

it is exhausting. like, i know what exhausting means. i understand intellectually what it means when someone says they're exhausted. i've even described myself as exhausted, and i really thought i was at the time. but i don't know that i've really experienced exhaustion in its truest sense since my youngest son turned a year old. but now...oh, now...i am really getting reacquainted with exhaustion. and really, i'm being a weinie about it because my baby girl, she sleeps pretty well, nurses pretty well...shame on me for complaining. but i will add, as a disclaimer, that i'd been getting a good eight hours a night for at least four years, and this has been quite a descension, which spell check says is not a word, but i'm saying it is.

healing...i forgot what healing was like after birth.

well, i hear a sweet fragile little cry coming my way. and it makes my breasts feel as though they're going through the little roller thing at the car wash that you send the chamois through...can't think of the word for some reason. anyway...i'll try again tomorrow.

mostly, though, it's really good. my therapist said, "love always softens you." and it's true. we're all just gloppy gloopy messes around here. milk, tears, smiles, spit up, laughter, sometimes a little drool...i think she may be each of her brothers first true love...and we are all grateful.

peace

something different for a minute...

so i've had babies on the brain pretty much continuously for the past few weeks. i think this is understandable. but something else i've had on the brain that i don't think i've blogged about is having high schoolers on the brain.

my teen decided to join the high school youth group at our church this year. he really likes music and the music the youth minister plays at the teen mass has really drawn my oldest in, so he was ready to make a commitment. i have struggled for awhile with how to handle my children's religious upbringing...i know when i baptized them i promised to raise them catholic and i believe i have. but i think i've said before, my favorite quote about religion is about preaching the gospel everyday, and using words when you have to. so i have not ever made my kids go to religious education classes. my oldest went when we lived in the same town as our families because his cousins went and it was fun to do stuff with the cousins. but once we moved, they never had any interest and i never pushed.

well, this year, as my teen decided to try out the high school youth group, my two middle kids also decided they were ready to take their first communion. now, i can be a rebel and such, but i wasn't exactly ready to just let them start taking communion. so i explained that they'd have to start taking classes and learn about the sacrament before they could do it...much like taking driver's ed before learning to drive. could they learn without the class? sure. but it's just better to take the class and we can work on it at home, too. turns out the religious ed director decided as a hsing family, it would be ideal for them to join their normal religious ed classes with their peers and i could do the reconciliation/communion education at home (these two sacraments go together...kind of like washing your hands before you eat in a spiritual way). so now they all go to religious ed classes (because you know, the littlest does not like being left out of stuff these days...well, the littlest for the next few weeks, right?). it's been a big adjustment and it's added a lot to our schedule, but it's also added a lot to our family life as well as to the community that is supporting us. and that's been an awesome thing.

but this doesn't go very far in explaining why i have high schoolers on the brain, does it?

right when my son decided to join the high school group, the youth minister made an announcement during mass that the high school group was very short on adult women volunteers for small group leaders and anyone able to help out should talk to him. now, i was seven, almost eight months pregnant at the time. but i knew the youth minister because i coached his son on the robotics team i co-coached last season (oy, we all remember that, right? :) ). and i really liked the whole family. and i felt a pull to volunteer. but i did not let myself rush off and jump into something i would not be able to handle or complete. i thought about it for awhile...why i felt pulled, if and how i could make it work, etc.

i think the main reason i felt pulled to do this was because i have a high schooler in my house. and more on the way. my second born will be twelve in just over two months...and that's only a year away from the big "T", you know? so i felt like i needed to make some peace with teens...spend some more time with them and get to know them. and seriously, what better place to do that than at church? with other adults there to guide and support and pray for these kids (and ourselves, i admit...we do often add ourselves to our intentions when we pray for these kiddos...that we're able to be true instruments of peace for them). it's awkward sometimes, walking into that room of high schoolers. i can't deny, it calls to mind all my own high school angst and weirdness and shyness and anxieties. weird, huh? i've only recently really started talking to them. i just watched them for the first month. they're really quite beautiful, under all that make up and funky hair and loud, tight, "just so" clothes. even under some of their scowls. they are so sincere when you listen to them...homework really is one of their biggest concerns and it really is a challenge to get it all done and still do the things they enjoy. they are still young enough to make silly jokes and get excited about music and sports and books and let it show in such an open way. but they're also getting older...developing their convictions...taking responsibility for their futures. i think i knew all of this intellectually. but it's been a whole 'nother ball game experiencing it first hand. and it's been incredible.

so i spend a lot of time praying for these teens in my small group. we wade through discussions of difficult and sometimes awkward topics...i can tell they're wondering if i'm going to tell their parents what they say or if i am judging them by what they say. so i try to offer some of myself...enough to get the ball rolling but not so much as to overwhelm them. lol this is not always an easy balance to find. but i think sometimes we're kind of proud of the stuff we come up with as a group. well, at least i'm proud of them for what they offer and share.

so that's why i've had teens on the brain. it's been awesome to see my oldest interact with the kids in this group...and with the adults. it's been awesome just getting to spend time with and develop a true respect for these guys at this amazingly pivotal time in their lives. i don't think our culture does a great job of supporting them through this transition, but rather than sit bitching on the sidelines, i'm glad i took the chance and got in the game. i am sure i will learn a lot, and that always involves making mistakes, but why should i expect my life to be any different from theirs?

peace