scarcity of humans

not really, but here's my story...

so my phone hasn't worked for the past three or four days. you call and it sends you immediately to some computerized voice mail that i don't know how to access. and you can't call out because there is no dial tone. as a matter of fact, all of my phones that have a light to show when the line is in use have had that light on for the last three or four days. so i called last friday to the phone company to report my phone troubles. i got a computer voice asking me to press buttons for the things that applied to me. so i played along. the questions were pretty specific with "press one for yes, two for no" prompts at the end of the question. which was fine, but i think there were times the computer said "press one for no, two for yes" which was confusing the hell out of me, but then i was trying to clean up the kitchen while i was calling and probably should've stopped to devote my full attention (what's left of it) to this task. anyway...i wasn't even sure what the computer resolved because i heard "between 8am and 7pm" but had no idea what or who was doing what between those hours or on what day they were doing them. but then the computer hung up and i guess we were finished... and the lights stayed on all weekend. and the phone never rang. and we didn't make calls on our phones. (and frankly, i kind of liked it...but that's a different post)

so, imagine our shock when we heard our phones ring this morning. my ob/gyn's office set up my next appointment. (i'll have to blog later and tell you about my first appt...and how i like her, but how it's weird going to an appointment in an academic setting and how it's a little utilitarian feeling and, well, let me hold off til i'm actually blogging about THAT...) then my spouse called to tell me when my ultrasound appt is. (i kind of get to cheat a little this pregnancy since he works there...that's kind of nice) and then the phone rang and the phone company was on the caller id. i thought, "ok, cool...they're calling to check on whether it's working now and i can tell them it is and thanks." well, no. it was my friendly computer calling back. if things still needed to be worked on, i should press 2. otherwise, thank you for calling and have a nice day.

weird.... i didn't even get to tell anyone thanks... weirder was i never really even knew if anyone even was aware of my problem or working on it...but apparently yes, and now it's fixed and the end. but it occurs to me that this is kind of how prayer works...

peace out

prayers on a busy day

today's been kind of...busy....eventful...something like that.

i woke up and got to chat with a friend online. that was good stuff. she's going camping, but i'm not so jealous i don't still like her lots. (i will camp this summer, i will camp this summer...)

once i picked up teen at his dual enrollment class, i decided that i was going to get some stuff accomplished. but my sister called first to tell me that my aunt is in the icu...with meningitis. my cousins are my kids ages...well, her older daughter is ten months older than my oldest and her younger daughter is a week older than my second born. and their mama's in the icu...and can barely remember who she is or where she is. so some prayers for her, please...my aunt lori.

then we ran our errands. teen was not too happy once we finished because he's decided he doesn't need to eat breakfast. which i don't agree with...but i don't get to agree with everything he chooses and i'm alright with that. but when i decide to run an hour's worth of errands...ok, maybe an hour and a half...and he's starving and grouchy as hell by the end, well, then i feel his choice is inconvenient. much in the way he felt mine was inconvenient. it's so hard when you aren't the one driving the car. and i empathize with that. but i also know he'll have much time to be the one driving in his future, so i've let it go. plus, once he ate, he was back to normal.

but get this...i load everyone in the car, thinking we're running late to piano, so i've got that extra edge to my voice...we need to hurry kind of thing. we back down the driveway and something in the universe shifts and i ask teenager, "isn't piano at 2?" he says, "yeah, i think so." so i ask, "then why are you letting me run everyone out the door and load us up as though it's at 1?" he thought i'd gotten a call or something. children are so trusting. even when they know we're nutso. so i drove back up the driveway and my youngest shouts, "well, that was a short trip!"

oy...i'm going to skip the part about talking to my mother and the way things are going with her and my stepfather...it was a two hour conversation, but i just don't have the energy to even summarize it. we DID, however, pick up teenager's glasses. and the wonderful woman at the glasses place even fixed his spare pair that we didn't even buy there. i was and still am very, very grateful.

oh, and speaking of gratitude...my bil and sil sponsored my oldest for his robotics trip. once i let go of some of my fear, things work out amazingly well. once i know longer try to be the only one in control, it seems others find room to step in...and then it is so much better.

so prayers for aunt lori...and my little niece is still in the nicu...getting better, but still there. maybe the week after easter she'll get to come home.

peace

gratitude

there's this scene from harry potter...the movie...which one?....uhm, the one with the baby thestrals in it. because it's when luna is telling harry that if she were voldemort, she would want to make harry feel alone to weaken him...because we draw strength in numbers. that's been playing through my mind a lot. not necessarily the scene, but the sentiment...it just so happens that when i am looking for an image to attach to the sentiment, this is the one that pops up for me.

i think i've mentioned before that eight years (med school + residency) just didn't sound that long six years ago... but all of a sudden, it feels like f.o.r.e.v.e.r. a family of six making it on a resident's salary is getting tough. or it was...yeah, there's a happy ending coming up here in a bit. but i have stretched dollars and cut costs when i wasn't sure i could do it anymore. i don't mean to sound like we're suffering...we're not. our kids still climb at one of the best rock gyms i've seen in texas (but i admit i'm not ALL that well traveled as far as rock gyms go), they still take music lessons, and now, i have not just ONE child traveling to the international level of his robotics competition, i have a SECOND one who just qualified for nationals in his competition. and he'll go. he is bursting in a way i rarely see my second born burst and, come hell or high water, he will go...this is our commitment to him as his parents.

but finding a way to make that happen...it has been getting daunting. when my spouse did pharmacy school, when we found out we were pregnant with our first child, i worked. that is what we did in the family i grew up in. but once that child was born, my mil told me she wanted to me to feel like i had the option to stay home with my child, if that was what i wanted. my spouse (who was my boyfriend at the time...i only mention this because it makes me feel young in a weird way) asked me to consider it. but i did not know where the money to eat, to pay rent, would come from. but it always came. sometimes his parents helped us...and this one was huge...having family that can and will do that is amazing. sometimes we charged things. sometimes we filed income taxes or sold things. mostly, we just enjoyed the simple and free pleasuers of life. and i have not one regret for the choices we made. oh, i did work sometimes. but i usually ended up coming back home. it was just how our little family rolled. and it's still how we roll... i learned a lot of faith in those times. i also learned a lot of responsibility. and while i have still been practicing the responsibility as of late, the faith was escaping me a bit. i mean, we were making it. a loan here helped. we still had income taxes to file, and that would help. but the stress of trying to make it all work was leaving us tired, and worn, and feeling a little alone...a little stretched...and a little like we didn't have much to give others, to be honest. but we got a deposit in our account a few days ago that will probably mean we can make it through the rest of the year without taking out any more loans. and while i don't think it's necessarily appropriate to post my financials here...this has made a lot of difference today. a lot.

i looked over our bills, and they have steadily dropped since moving out here almost two years ago. we still find ways to trim here, use less there. my spouse works extra hours when they are offered. but the recent success of our children in robotics (who the hell knew they'd be such robot whiz-kids?) has been challenging. and made me feel desperate in a way i was growing to hate. i thought maybe i'd just pull them from music lessons to make up the difference. but, after this deposit, i don't have to. at least not yet.

my spouse has a little over two years left of this residency. and then, things should lighten up a little...i think. i really don't know, and while it seems obvious they should, i hate setting myself up for disappointment, so we'll just leave it at they should. so we keep telling ourselves two more years of rough financial times, and then it'll get a little easier. we usually hold hands when we say this to each other. he doesn't know about this deposit yet. but it helps me remember to have faith. and to be a part of other people's lives in a way that keeps faith alive for all of us. and for this reminder that i am not alone, that there are people praying for me and supporting me, even when i am so wrapped up in my own stress i don't remember to do the same, i am so, so, so very grateful.

peace

looking back

it was a pretty good year, i guess. i'm worn out from it and that's often a good sign, i guess. and i feel alright going into this year...a little behind, but i always feel a little behind i've learned.

some of my favorite moments...most of my favorite moments are moments that are just extremely comfortable and feel good in a way i don't know how to put into words....but it feels good somewhere in my chest and it's a relaxed, warm, full kind of feeling, i guess...

making cinnamon rolls from scratch with my sister. my sister began a new relationship this year. but before she did, it was fun being her "girlfriend" for awhile. she'd call to check on me lots...and we'd talk and laugh and get morbidly intense...fun times. she also drove up to visit a lot and that was great fun, too. i really didn't even know she liked to cook before...especially difficult recipes like cinnamon rolls that require you to make dough and let that rise, then make the inside cinnamon stuff, then make the rolls, then let those rise....she rocked at it. (although i think she touched my pet mice before we started working in the kitchen and forgot to wash her hands...i don't know why i think that, but it's how i remember it) anyway, it was a lot of fun.

when my friend lanatron came and stayed at my house during hurricane ike. she has four kids. i have four kids. it was a lot of people and a lot of work, but really, really comfortable at the same time. and it felt really good to be together at a time that was kind of worrisome...i mean, the hurricane devastated galveston. and her spouse was right in the eye of it, although we knew he was safe. but it felt good to be together, our families, during that time...like that was the way things should be. which is often how my friendship with her feels...like it's just what it should be. it is one of my favorite moments.

riding to fort worth with my spouse. now, we had a whole evening together, and the ceremony we attended was beautiful. but it was a really nice time just driving together, no kids in the car, able to pay attention to each other and the indigo girls on for when the conversation was quiet. it was probably one of our most comfortable, peaceful moments together in a year that's been exhausting as far as marriage goes.

i also really enjoyed making cabbage rolls with my friend julie. we were brave, we were creative, we were inventive, and we were hungry. and we made kick ass cabbage rolls. julie and i do a lot of different things together...i've known her for ten years. but i think cooking cabbage rolls was one of my favorite things i've ever done with her. another of my favorite moments with julie was making a rosary for her mama when her mama passed away this year. her mama was quite a crafter and we went through her many boxes of beads to find the right ones for the rosary...sea shells, cat beads, wooden beads, green glass beads, some big clear ones...it was a neat moment together.

my other favorites are like experiences...i enjoyed teaching philosophy. working together with mamas to put the co-op together. watching the kids climb rocks. bathing my dogs and watching them outside. mowing the grass. hiking with my kids at pariah canyon. sitting alone outside in arizona. walking around brenham with friends. putting my grand niece to sleep in a noisy pho restaurant. getting to know the mamas in my cybertribe...what a year it's been with those women! meeting my friend jeanni and her son at the maker faire in austin...that was awesome. running two half marathons with my sister...and seeing my family at the seventh mile marker in the second one. spending my friend shelley's 50th birthday with her closest friends...oh my god, that was definitely a highlight of the year! getting in touch with my friend lizette. driving my friend patsy to the church on her wedding day....she was so worried i was going to get lost. having my sil thank me for sharing my views, telling me she values them. jen buying the life is good monkey shirt!!! i'm so glad she did that!!! and i have to say, so many of the books i've read this year have been great ones...maybe i'll list them later.

so, those are some of my highlights. i feel like i probably screwed my kids over by not listing a special one with each of them...but i am so blown away by them and so proud of them that it would be impossible to sort out specific ones from the ball of awesomeness that is them.

i've been blessed and i'm grateful.

peace

happy day

well, it was my first thanksgiving hosted at my house. my sister and i cooked almost everything, with a few additions from my spouse and my bil. and my sister's girlfriend helped a lot, too. until she started puking at three o'clock this morning. which was weird because my eighty-five year old grandmother was coming and i didn't want her to get sick. but then, about six hours after she got here, my eighty-five year old grandmother was puking, too. but otherwise, i think it was a complete success...

hehe

really...it was good. my brothers came. my dad was funny and not too drunk. my sister was, well, very much my sister. my kids played too many video games. and everyone pretty much had a great time. except for the barfers. but the barfers even smiled some post-barfing and we all took our turns cleaning up the bathroom....

a lovely day with lots of moments to reflect on gratitude and whatnot.
peace

gratitude

i figured something out yesterday. nothing huge, but it is significant enough that i'll write it here to help me remember. caffeine affects me quite a lot...and sleep deprivation makes me hate the world...or at least most of the things i come into contact with in the world.

i make lots of iced tea here and i always use decaffeinated tea bags...always. except for when i buy generic and don't realize that they aren't decaf...then i buy caffeinated, apparently. and after a couple of weeks of drinking caffeinated tea, not sleeping well, and then finally downing two huge glasses of it (after working my ass off in the heat....i've mentioned the heat?) before bed, and not sleeping at all that night...well, that's where the study on the effects of sleep deprivation come in...

yesterday was bad. it wasn't so bad on the outside....my nephew was here and we had a lot of fun with him. and it was my sexy spouse's birthday, so i made an angel food cake and took pictures and made cards, etc... but on the inside....man, my head and heart and spirit were seriously, seriously polluted. not a good place to be alone, which unfortunately, seems to be the primary way i experience myself most of the time....

so, thankfully, as i was lamenting (to myself) how the world was going to hell in a hand basket and how everyone i love are just turning into selfish assholes, it occurred to me that maybe i was a tad sleepy and maybe after some sleep, i wouldn't quite see everything so negatively. (of course, the two year old in me insisted i was NOT sleepy and everyone DID just suck...but i held her for a minute and she promptly fell asleep.) so i went to bed and when i woke up this morning, felt so good, it was all i could do to stop myself from skipping and singing "zippity doo dah"....only because i can't stand a braggart.

but i am humbled and grateful. i am so glad i kept my trap shut yesterday and didn't hurt people i love by saying things that weren't even true. i am so glad i took care of myself last night. i am glad i was able to give my spouse some of my energy in celebration of his day, but drew the line when i knew i was past the point of being able to celebrate any more.

i also want to thank a friend of mine...jen...because she has put so many wonderful poems and films and words that i have found so much light in on her blog lately. thank you, thank you, thank you. (can i add you to my blog roll? would that be ok?)

and i hear julie walker is continuing to get better. she got to go home yesterday...yes, two days after brain surgery. she's doing very, very well. never underestimate the power of praying mamas...(and papas, too, of course)

i am feeling much, much better today...i'm grateful for the beautiful (if not a tad bit warm) day and for all the wonderful people who surround me who don't give up on me, even when i become a selfish asshole...kisses.
peace

contentment, i suppose

at least i think this is how it feels...

i don't know why my posts have relied so heavily on the words of others lately, except to say that sometimes what i'm thinking or processing is heavily supported by those who've gone before me and the words and ways they were able to express the same or similar. which i am grateful for because it allows me to just feel my way through without having to think too much about words or whatnot...

i saw my the-rapist today. it's a good feeling to know you've kind of made it through a difficult time. not that the difficult time is over, but that you've done your hurling, free falling, head over feet, eyes wide, heart racing, stomach sickening, where the fuck is the ground and is this ever going to end...and now you're back on your feet.

i don't know why today is different from yesterday. but it is. and i know things are going to be alright, even though they're not stagnant by any stretch of the imagination. i am glad i found this the-rapist...i really think she helped quite a bit. and of course, i am also grateful for the friends and family, authors and artists, and just life in general.

time to keep going...

i picked this song today because i went through a lot of my indigo girls cds yesterday looking for you and me of the 10,000 wars to listen to. i found it, btw...and i also found another cd i hadn't heard in awhile. this is the first song on that cd and was exactly how i felt after i got home from my appointment today which is when i put the cd on to listen to and then promptly came and sat down to blog. i put the lyrics at the end if you'd like to read while you listen. i love the way emily sings this song in this video, though...

clearing webs from the hovel
a blistered hand on the handle of a shovel
i've been digging too deep
i always do
i see my face on the surface
i look a lot like narcissus
a dark abyss of an emptiness
standing on the edge of a drowning blue

i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

i had a lot of good intentions
sit around for fifty years
and then collect a pension
started seeing the road to hell
and just where it starts
but my life is more than a vision
the sweetest part is acting
after making a decision
started seeing the whole
as a sum of its parts

and i look behind my ears for the green
and even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

my life is part of the global life
i'd found myself becoming more immobile
when i'd think a little girl in the world
can't do anything
a distant nation my community
and a street person my responsibility
if i have a care in the world
i have a gift to bring

i look behind my ears for the green
even my sweat smells clean
glare off the white hurts my eyes
i gotta get out of bed
get a hammer and a nail
learn how to use my hands
not just my head
i think myself in a jail
now i know a refuge never grows
from a chin in a hand
and a thoughtful pose
gotta tend the earth
if you want a rose

words and music by emily saliers
copyright 1990 godhap music (bmi)

peace and have beautiful days...