sleepy

i am sitting here, getting ready to pour my second cup of coffee...and i'm tired. coming back home after being in california for six days is a bit of a jolt. i also think having a cold and acting like a kid and going, going, GOING anyway might have a little to do with my exhaustion. it was fun, fun stuff.

san francisco is like a different way of life. i mean, we're all people...we all eat, sleep, poop, work, etc...but it was so neat. so much walking. such a great public transit system (although sometimes those drivers drive so quickly...and with all the stopping and starting...it was hard to get my land legs after getting off of some of those buses).

did i mention there were 23 of us staying in two houses in san francisco? all my spouse's family? did i? well, my spouse is the youngest of five children. and there is often a lot of tension in his family. but this trip went really well. i mean, yes, there were tense moments. but things seem to recover much more quickly than usual. or maybe i'm just getting older and don't care as much. either way, it was good. the kids had a lot of fun together...no f-bombs or the like. and the adults did pretty well, too. (yeah, i'm not making the no f-bombs statement here...i don't like to lie and i'm not too sure on that one). but for the most part, things went fairly well. i think, because this was an unfamiliar place to many of us, the mamas were too busy either shopping or keeping track of kiddos. the tension tended to come from the men this time...directions, decision making, stuff like that. go figure...

it's great going from texas to california, because you wake up at six or six thirty every morning...even if you don't go to sleep until eleven o'clock or midnight. get up, get dressed, eat dim sum (burp) and go exploring. california to texas? not so easy. especially when you don't actually make it to your house until 2:30 in the morning. but...this is a side note...i was so proud of my teen. he went to his class monday morning (which requires leaving our house by 7:15 or earlier) after getting into his bed at 2:30 monday morning. my spouse and i left it up to him. and he went. i think he would've stayed home, but he realized he'd be missing next monday to attend my grandmother's funeral, so he decided to go. i was impressed...he really is growing up. (if i could just ignore all the dirty underwear shoved around the edges of his bed...why do they do that?!?!?!)

so...i made it up early this morning. teen did too, again. he's one ahead of me on that. the rest of my house is quiet, quiet. i think another cup of coffee is in order. maybe some more strawberries. it is good, good to be home. but i had a lot of fun in san francisco and can't wait to go back and experience and explore some more.

peace

yawn, snort, sigh

if i had a dollar for every time i've said "i'm so tired" this week...i might not be rich, but i could definitely buy dinner for my family.

i think it's something in the air. i think it's allergens of some sort that started messing with my family back when we visited my uncle's lake house. yet it continues. my eyes are dry and itchy. and my head feels achy. but otherwise, i'm doing alright. my kids are kind of grumpy, too. especially the teenager. and he's kind of cute because i think he's trying not to be a shit to everyone...but then he kind of is a shit to everyone and it blows that whole cute thing...oh well. i don't think he cares too much about whether i think he's cute or not anyway.

our cooperative went well today. two preschoolers came to my art class and participated. that was cool. particularly because neither of these two particular preschoolers do much without their mamas. and yes, their mamas were also in my class today, but hey, it's a start. and that's what's important to me. i can see the potential for these girls to be a part of things, sans mamas, say, six weeks down the line. not a definite thing...but the possibility. and possibility is an exciting thing. especially if you're in my philosophy class. which didn't go quite as well today. i don't know if i was too foggy in the head or just not well prepared enough, but it was kind of all over the place today. i do think we can sort it out some next week...you know, once i figure out how to do that.... but the kids did have a good time with plato's cave allegory today. i thought we'd act it out, but instead decided to just read it to them and let them visualize it. i think they liked the part where they had to pretend they were chained to their chairs while they listened best.

i love the opportunity to teach in this co-op. i love that we are small enough that we can really care about each others' kids...i mean, honestly, we all know each other. most of these kids have been in my house before they were in my classroom. i've had beer or wine with most of these mamas. it's a family atmosphere and i am really grateful for that. because each class has its objectives, each child brings their gift, and each teacher cares enough about both to be gentle and not lose sight of the people we all are. after talking to a friend who teaches in a public school last night, i never appreciated all of these things in this co-op more. my friend is a good teacher. and it's odd to see what public education has done to her. not that public education is evil. not that it's the problem. just that i know what a good person and an exceptional educator my friend is...and while i realize the school year is still young...and while i realize she has more kids in her classroom than any sane person should ask another to take on...and while i realize she was just venting and working through some of the stress of the day...it was still somewhat disheartening. and i love this woman...i truly do.

so again i find myself grateful...albeit tired at the same time.

and i'm still thinking over this whole ego thing...but i don't have much figured out, to be honest. just feeling my way through still...
peace

sleepy

ok, it has hit us. we are sleepy. we did a lot this week...my house shows it...and now we are tired.

we went to the creek for a couple of hours yesterday. we love going there. we were craving outside time and it is soooo damned hot that i couldn't imagine being outside without water nearby. it was a lot of fun. until my second born son slipped on the algae slimed rocks coming out. he fell, hit his head, and cried. i was worried, but he seemed so fine, it was no biggie. until he completely barfed everything he had in his ten year old body an hour later.

so i was up a few times last night checking on him. while i think he's fine, no one looks like they got a good night's sleep at my house. they're all kind of crabby and half awake looking, despite a meeting this morning where they got to hang out with friends they hadn't seen since before we left for vacation.

sooooo...i think i will cancel our plans for dinner and we'll just hang out and scratch our bellies together as a family tonight. we'll be traveling this weekend to go see an impressionist exhibit in fort worth tomorrow (at least this is the plan for now) and having lunch with friends sunday, so a boring old night at home, just us, sounds awesome.

on a separate subject--i mentioned terri hendrix was one of my traveling music choices. another was pete seeger and arlo guthrie in a concert called precious friend. it's a two disc cd and always makes the kids and i laugh, smile, and sing along. here's one of our many favorites...



peace

gratitude

i figured something out yesterday. nothing huge, but it is significant enough that i'll write it here to help me remember. caffeine affects me quite a lot...and sleep deprivation makes me hate the world...or at least most of the things i come into contact with in the world.

i make lots of iced tea here and i always use decaffeinated tea bags...always. except for when i buy generic and don't realize that they aren't decaf...then i buy caffeinated, apparently. and after a couple of weeks of drinking caffeinated tea, not sleeping well, and then finally downing two huge glasses of it (after working my ass off in the heat....i've mentioned the heat?) before bed, and not sleeping at all that night...well, that's where the study on the effects of sleep deprivation come in...

yesterday was bad. it wasn't so bad on the outside....my nephew was here and we had a lot of fun with him. and it was my sexy spouse's birthday, so i made an angel food cake and took pictures and made cards, etc... but on the inside....man, my head and heart and spirit were seriously, seriously polluted. not a good place to be alone, which unfortunately, seems to be the primary way i experience myself most of the time....

so, thankfully, as i was lamenting (to myself) how the world was going to hell in a hand basket and how everyone i love are just turning into selfish assholes, it occurred to me that maybe i was a tad sleepy and maybe after some sleep, i wouldn't quite see everything so negatively. (of course, the two year old in me insisted i was NOT sleepy and everyone DID just suck...but i held her for a minute and she promptly fell asleep.) so i went to bed and when i woke up this morning, felt so good, it was all i could do to stop myself from skipping and singing "zippity doo dah"....only because i can't stand a braggart.

but i am humbled and grateful. i am so glad i kept my trap shut yesterday and didn't hurt people i love by saying things that weren't even true. i am so glad i took care of myself last night. i am glad i was able to give my spouse some of my energy in celebration of his day, but drew the line when i knew i was past the point of being able to celebrate any more.

i also want to thank a friend of mine...jen...because she has put so many wonderful poems and films and words that i have found so much light in on her blog lately. thank you, thank you, thank you. (can i add you to my blog roll? would that be ok?)

and i hear julie walker is continuing to get better. she got to go home yesterday...yes, two days after brain surgery. she's doing very, very well. never underestimate the power of praying mamas...(and papas, too, of course)

i am feeling much, much better today...i'm grateful for the beautiful (if not a tad bit warm) day and for all the wonderful people who surround me who don't give up on me, even when i become a selfish asshole...kisses.
peace

bowel analogy

consider yourself warned, ok?...

i've told a friend of mine lately a few different times that i'm feeling emotionally constipated. being for real constipated is not a pleasant feeling in my bowels, and being emotionally constipated is not a pleasant feeling in my, well, the rest of me. i feel kind of toxic, and then i eat toxic, and then, well, then i'm just constipated all around...woo-hoo! fun stuff...

my sister this week had the opposite, she had the runs. then she was constipated. now she has the runs again. this is so me emotionally. stop. start. i usually have an okay-semi-balanced-feeling time, but then the stop. start. stop. start. comes again.

but you know what? i don't care. i mean, obviously, i do a little. but i am really working hard at not being identified by my feelings. and just working through them. so i've been painting. and gardening. and cleaning. and eating crappy food...oh wait, that doesn't exactly count. and when i look around my house, i think, "yep, this is where i'm supposed to be. a lifetime of shit to do hardly requiring a word..." :) but there's a lot i want to do. and i'm grateful for the chance to be active (and therefore think less, but that doesn't sound right...).

i'm also grateful for some things we are working on in our community. it has long been a dream of mine to get the kids involved in volunteering...it's something i did for five summers of my teen years and i really think it is what grounded me and helped me find my own voice and my own feet (even if they did prefer to walk on the toes of others for a long time) so it looks like it may start happening. they are finally old enough for all of us to do it and i am pee-my-pants excited about this. not that my excitement defines me...snort. (it really doesn't...i'm exhausted and don't even look in the least bit excited)

so that's where i am. started this post to talk about how constipated i felt and it turned out i had a touch of diarrhea...i'm not even surprised anymore. (now i'm smiling with my half-lidded sleepy eyes)
g'night and peace