treadmill philosophy

first of all, i don't intend to meditate or philosophize on the treadmill. i don't know that it's wise to think too much when trying to reach and maintain my maximum heart rate... but with a reiki book there, and my big backyard out my window, and lately, with the beatles playing...it just seems to happen...

here's today's passages i wanted to get down...

We can compare the mind to a glass of sparkling water. The constant stream of bubbles floating to the surface are like our thoughts and feelings. It appears that we are these thoughts and emotions that arise from within, as if they make up our identity and character, or as if they are the "real me." Our true nature is more like the water itself than the bubbles that arise in it, our essence, in reality, is closer to the space between our thoughts and feelings, or simply the lack of "I."

Since our tendencies toward positive or negative actions gradually change with our habits of thinking and feeling, if we are able each day to familiarize ourselves with deep peace and happiness, no matter how negative we have been in the past, we cannot avoid becoming more contented and fulfilled.

now, that first passage i like because i get asked so often if i see the glass as half full or half empty, i'm thrilled that now i can answer that i'm the water in the glass. and i like the idea of being full of bubbles... it did make me wonder, as i was running today, whether "i" was the calf that was hurting, the "i" that sensed the pain, or the "i" that decided it was fine to just keep running and let it work itself out. but "i" didn't come to a conclusion as "i" was running and trying to relax a calf without falling off the treadmill. (all while singing "help" by the beatles which seemed so damned appropriate i thought i'd include it.) but i am also "getting" that i am not identified by my thoughts or my feelings...and i am so freaking relieved by that because sometimes, i just don't know where the shit that flies through my head comes from...

which i guess explains why the second passage is significant to me...can i get an alleluia!!?! a praise god!!!? (or dog or bob or whoever you praise...) again...it's a relief. sometimes i get so bogged down by negative thoughts. so.....bogged......down...... but i'll keep practicing and then i can't avoid being happier...i love that part. like even if i try, i can't avoid it. cool.

so that right there is probably proof enough why i should not think too much while my body is allocating the bulk of its energy to run. but it felt good...

i also want to put out there that a friend of mine (from the cyber mama tribe) is traveling to galveston for some much needed time alone. i talked to her for the first time today to let her know i was thinking about her and to take care of herself. she had kind of a sexy, sultry voice. not that i didn't expect it...which i didn't...but it's just cool how us mama types always have little surprises about ourselves up our sleeves. so if you feel so inclined, i'm sure she could use some raising up.

also, my sons spent time with some kids from a family that is moving at the end of this week. i know people come and go in life...and i know i can't protect them from ever knowing disappointment or longing or loss...i wouldn't really want to, to be honest...but i wish this family the best and am grateful for the time we spent with them. rock climbing will never be the same without them...

also, a friend i haven't spoken to in awhile seems to have been going through some rough times, so a little raising up for her would be good, too...

peace

still in the race

i'm running another half marathon in november. my ultimate goal for me is a full marathon in april. but now my sister in law has thrown in the possibility of a triathlon next year, too. intriguing, i must admit...although i have not made up my mind on that one.

why do i do these things? now that i'm well into my thirties, have given birth to four kids...i have never run competitively...well, i guess i really still don't, to be honest...but i was never a runner before and now i am. why?

because i have four children. four sons. and they are growing into, yes, i'll say it, young men. i mean complete with raging hormones and changing bodies young men. and i want them to marry strong women. but they say we marry our parents. (i think i married my sister, to be honest, but that's a whole 'nother story...) and i want to be a good person for my kids to model their expectations of people on. so i try to be fun, i try to be kind, and i try to be active because life offers a lot more opportunities to those who are able to take them. and it gets tiring being left behind while your kids run on up to the snowline, or finish the climb, etc... but like everything, there's a balance....oy, always with the balancing...

i realized last night that when i go to bed, i usually pray and meditate...try to end the day on a good note. lay it at the cross, they say, right? but it occurred to me that i rarely pray or meditate in the morning. why don't i ever try to start the day on a good note? maybe i wouldn't have to pray so much, lay so much down at night if i'd distribute things a little more evenly?... i don't know. but i am game for most new experiences (except for eating chicken feet...i do not eat chicken feet...won't even try them) so i tried some meditation and prayer this morning. did a little reiki, although i'm still new to the reiki stuff so i rarely admit to trying it. (i think of it just as a different position for praying right now...)

anyway... my morning went well. i've already worked out, so that's a good thing. and my kids have been playing dungeons and dragons all morning, quietly, cooperatively, peacefully (well, as peaceful as one can be slaying trolls and finding secret passages with boots of invisibility or inconsistency or whatever my oldest, aka the dungeon master, has come up with). my littlest has been a doll this morning as he now measures the piano with my sewing tape. my two middles are spending the night at a friends' house and the rest of us will go to dinner at my bil's.

left foot, right foot, pray/reiki, breathe...
peace

healing

today had kind of a rocky start. by ten, i was thinking i needed to get whataburger for lunch and shove my mouth full of it...i was even considering getting a second burger just to rub all over me, so big felt my misery, i suppose. i was going to bathe myself, inside and out, with what i used to think of as comfort food, but what i now know will make me sick. so i was going to choose to make myself sick.

so after an hour or so on the computer, avoiding doing anything that might serve me well in the long run, i put on my workout clothes and got on the treadmill. well, i did lift a few weights and stretch first, but i spent an hour on the treadmill, walking, climbing, jogging....thinking, working, reading my reiki book. it was a good thing. i'm glad i did it. today was actually a big day for my treadmill time because there were some things i started thinking about that i wanted to work through a little with words...

i started out wondering why the hell my need for "comfort food" (which would make me sick) was soooo strong, so deep. i mean, i don't normally consider buying an extra burger to rub through my hair, so it was kind of weird to feel such an overwhelming craving for that. i've asked the mamas in my cybertribe why do do we do that? why do we want things that are bad for us? especially when we are feeling badly already? what is that tendency to do self injurious things when we are already hurting?

i was thinking for me, there's a belief that i'm not really worth goodness. so maybe i sabotage myself, because i think that's what i "deserve"? probably that makes some sense. but i really do believe, deep down, that life is good and we are all good and that the goodness in us and the goodness that is life are drawn together, even though there are all these little things that get in the way. so why is the default crappy? i mean, i didn't get the burger or burgers, and that's big, i think. but why was i craving them so much...

the reiki book today was talking about how reiki always works for the greatest good. i've been thinking a lot about the greatest good, even praying about it. it's right up my alley. it's God. but the book talked about how the positive energy drawn to intentions centering on the greatest good for many is much greater than the positive energy drawn to intentions centering on the greatest good just for yourself. this was big.

because last night i got in an argument with my spouse. and what it was over isn't important. but somehow, during it and afterward, i could feel how deep the well is for healing in me. healing i feel like i need, not that i feel like i can give, just to explain. and i had noticed that earlier in one of the blogs i didn't post. that while i am very concerned with pleasing people, making sure people know they are loved, experience joy...i am also endlessly needy for those same things. and that's kind of hard to balance. because while i want to always give, i don't often feel like i'm receiving much, i guess. i mean, i know i am. but when i am needy, it always seems like the cupboard's bare.

oh, and another thing i thought of was that my relationship with health is wonky. like, i've always felt being healthy was a defensive action...if you're fit, people can't put you down for not being fit. if you're not fat, people can't use that to hurt you. as though somehow your vulnerability justifies someone else's bad behavior toward you. but today, i started to see being healthy as a way of making sure i would be able to give and receive to the greatest ability and for the greatest good. i don't know...it definitely made me feel more joyful inside. because i don't work well defensively...it wears me out....totally kills the joy. if i am acting out of a concern that someone wants to hurt me, well, it just doesn't feel natural to me. not that i'm not aware there will be times people will want to hurt me, but i just see that desire as being an unhealed hurt for that person, and i don't feel very threatened by it. because we all have those, right?

i don't know...these are big shifts and hard to capture in words, but i just felt like it was time to try a little.

anyway...once i started reading in this reiki book about making ourselves channels for pure energy, allowing us to experience and live with the energy so long as we're willing to accept it for the intent of sharing it, well, then things started shifting. and i started seeing that when i receive healing, when i receive positive energy, it does not have to go in the bottomless pit of my "neediness" but can be shared as the positive energy it is. meaning it's an endless amount. because i have the ability to heal myself.

ok, i think that's enough for today. still trying to put feet to these rather lofty ideals.
peace

a few notes

from my reiki book on my treadmill...

Although we cannot easily see it, whatever we think and feel about ourselves and others has a direct effect upon everything in creation. Because energy follows thought, sooner or later, the effects of our thoughts and actions will become our reality.

Reiki will never put us in a situation that we are unable to transform into a learning and life-enhancing experience. All we needs is a little courage, positive motivation, and a happy mind!

However, if we strongly believe that Reiki will not work for us, perhaps because on some level we don't want our situation to improve or because we still need that situation to develop some inner qualities, then this can create a mental barrier between us and the benefits.

"Breaking the chain," however, does not mean we should suppress negative thoughts and emotions. If they exist within us, they need to be regularly addressed and resolved in a clear, open, and creative way, without over-indulging them or directing them at another person.

If you are overwhelmed by your issues, remember whatever you are experiencing--good or bad--it will pass. Try not to overcomplicate things. Simply by looking for a peaceful mind and developing concern for other people's problems makes our own difficulties less real. Love, compassion, patience, giving, and wisdom can become our normal states of mind no matter how negative we feel or how difficult our life has been.

wondering if i've figured out what reiki is? me too... it's an eternal, ancient life force/energy. i think i refer to it as God, but i'm not altogether sure. that's just the feeling i have. i'm not quite halfway through the book, so i'm still trying to keep an open mind...

so i am sending out my intentions tonight...some peace...for my friend julie, for my sister, for my friend marcy, my friend denise, my friend shelley, my friend patsy, my friend lana. some peace for this co-op i'm working on and the mamas and families and churches involved. some peace and quiet for my spouse and i. always some peace for my children. and peace for the cyber tribe of mamas. and of course, peace to all the family, the ones i chose, the ones who chose me, and the ones we aren't quite sure how we found each other... and just peace...

centering myself

i don't know why, but i'm feeling good today. whatever war has been waging in my body has settled down...for the most part. and the sense of calm that has come with it is so very, very welcomed.

i often doubt myself...question myself....wonder.....who i am.....why i do the things i do....why i feel the things i feel.....why i think the things i think....why i am drawn to the things i am drawn to.....why i am pissed off by the stuff that pisses me off......am i threatened? am i hurt? am i scared? am i afraid of being hurt? am i focusing too much on the what ifs and not enough on the reality of now?

i was reading a book about reiki the other day. i'm still not 100% sure what reiki is...i haven't finished the book yet. but it talked about how if people question you about your practice of reiki, you should not be defensive or tense....that you should be calm and centered when answering their questions. the book said that if you still felt defensive and tense, then maybe you should find a place to calm and center yourself and ask yourself, "why did i choose reiki?" like i said, i still don't completely understand what reiki is, but this statement i understood 110%.

i have long known that when i shrink back in fear, flare up in defensiveness, tighten up in tension...it is because i am not sure of things. and the biggest thing i am unsure of is myself. so when i poke and prod and push and pull and expand and wander around in myself for awhile, i often doubt the rationality and the productivity, the wisdom, of what i am doing. i feel like i am being self-centered, egotistical, whiny, and, the deeply dreaded, weak. but i come out of it feeling more centered in the world, a little more humbled, patient, and surprisingly capable if not outright strong. it's not all hearts and flowers, but it is a refreshing reprieve from the time spent....how do i say....being ground down and polished?

richard rohr says there are always dark nights of faith. he's talking about faith in God, but i think anything that requires some faith will have times where that faith is shaken down and something stronger (or at least different) grows up in its place. the darkness is, well, dark. and if you like dark...well, it probably won't be dark, then, because mainly the darkness is a really uncomfortable place to be. but you keep walking, even if by the end you are huddled over and barely taking steps or crawling on your knees, and you make it through to a place that isn't as dark.

i think believing in yourself requires faith. there are many different messages that come at a person about who they are....some from people they love, some from people they've never even spoken to, and everyone else in between. so holding on to that truth that is you takes faith. when you fall short, you hold on to the truth of who you are. even when someone else doesn't. and be grateful for those times others see what you might be too discouraged or too despairing to believe at that moment...

it's a funny dance. and our partners change sometimes, but the music goes on. and sometimes the partners who don't change on the outside, change on the inside, and the music goes on. and even when we change, fall into darkness, walk back out into light, the music still goes on. it becomes less and less about me as i keep dancing....and more and more about the music and the dance.

so i am doing alright...i think i like this song.
peace