tree falling, take two

i'm telling you, blogging without coffee is a dangerous thing...glad i didn't hurt myself...

ok, the tree in the forest thing. i know it goes beyond tshirts... i guess it's a question about truth. without a witness, what's true? bear with me, but it's like there are all these thoughts sitting in a huge circle around my head...we'll call them geese because geese have nice, long necks. so i've been trying to grab them all by the neck and tie them together into one nice, cohesive thought... but they keep sneaking out and confusing me because they all seem related, all look the same, but keep moving around. yes, i am saying my brain feels full of feathers....or something like that.

what i was wondering, really, when the tree thought popped into my head last night was about loving people...and if they don't know you love them, if you haven't communicated that to them (or communicated it in a way they will understand), do you love them? does it change anything? what's the difference? i mean, certainly it matters to send love. but feeling love can change things too. and how many women think they feel love in a relationship where there may be a lot of emotion, but love might not exactly be what's being sent?... i don't know...

i wonder if my sister knows how amazing i really think she is...if my parents know how much i respect them deep down even though i let myself get distracted by pretty shallow shit sometimes...if my brothers know how proud i am of them, even though they could do better, because they aren't hurting anyone and i think they all have good hearts.

if my spouse knows how much i respect him for the drive he's shown, his commitment to the world and us, how funny and smart he is...if my kids know how much i like them and how grateful i am that they don't do everything i tell them to because sometimes i am dumb and speak before i think and really like the way they do things so much better.

if my friends know how much i appreciate and admire and love them...if lana only knew how much i really wish she'd move over this way...if jeanni knows how i wish we could still sit on picnic tables and solve the problems of the world...if hope knows how i wish her peace...how much i miss all of those families?...mamas, children, AND husbands.

does jen know how glad i am to have met such a beautiful person?...or does cristy know how much i care about her and wish her a feeling of health and confidence...how much i think about sara and her deployed husband and her beautiful kids...vickie and her gorgeous family and how much her love is evident and inspiring. does mama denise know i want to be her when i grow up?...how much i miss my friend patsy and wish i could be more a part of planning her upcoming ceremony...how weird it feels to miss out on watching marcy's kids grow up?...and thalia's?...how julie's doing and when and how many kids she'll finally end up with.

i think about my niece's family, her new little one that i ache to hold, touch, see with my own eyes...my other niece in medical school, wishing her well...my nephew that i haven't heard from in too long and i worry about but hope he's happy.

my cyber mama tribe...all of them...whit, ana, carrie, shannon, angie, corey, carol, shannon, lisa, dani, anna, shellee, bonnie, nic, angie, tanya, kristin, allison, jess, allyson, amy, annette, rachel, kara, christine, beth, tina, jenn, tiffany, mel, angel, dar, holly, mandy...and all those beautiful, gorgeous children.

i often meditate at night, while i'm falling asleep. there's this buddhist prayer that focuses on extending your circle of loving kindness (but it's kind of long to include), and so while i pray or meditate at night, i extend my circle and go through my family, dh's family, our friends...basically all the folks i mentioned plus the people from church, neighbors, etc. i was wondering last night what difference it makes. if no one hears the tree, does it make a sound? but then i remembered that i know someone hears the sound...and it's the best noise this tree knows how to make... not that that necessarily solved everything, but it did bring the geese to a shared spot to rest.
peace

still treading water

yeah, yeah, i know...just swim, fortheloveofgod...i'll get there.

the meeting went well today. got some stuff done. that was good. i think if i can focus, i can get the rest knocked out pretty quickly. i don't understand what holds me back...but it does...this i cannot deny.

went to the-rapist today. it was good, sort of. not a "oh, there's the light, let me walk in it" kind of good. more of a "let's be real about where things stand and the limits of one person's ability to maintain the sanity of a family" kind of good. i'll be meditating on my dependence quite a bit this semester. meditating on my dependence has led me to recognize the things i need to do to take care of myself. i've read a lot more. recognized my body needs me to run...or workout at least. (running is just easier for now) i've even called some friends lately here in my area. it's funny, but i also need to be productive. and i can work that, too.

working on it...

so here's something i've been listening to lately, and finally realized there were some videos on you tube...they aren't the released versions i've been listening to when i run, but it's fun watching amy play jesus and emily play mary. what can i say? i really love amy....



peace out

treadmill philosophy

first of all, i don't intend to meditate or philosophize on the treadmill. i don't know that it's wise to think too much when trying to reach and maintain my maximum heart rate... but with a reiki book there, and my big backyard out my window, and lately, with the beatles playing...it just seems to happen...

here's today's passages i wanted to get down...

We can compare the mind to a glass of sparkling water. The constant stream of bubbles floating to the surface are like our thoughts and feelings. It appears that we are these thoughts and emotions that arise from within, as if they make up our identity and character, or as if they are the "real me." Our true nature is more like the water itself than the bubbles that arise in it, our essence, in reality, is closer to the space between our thoughts and feelings, or simply the lack of "I."

Since our tendencies toward positive or negative actions gradually change with our habits of thinking and feeling, if we are able each day to familiarize ourselves with deep peace and happiness, no matter how negative we have been in the past, we cannot avoid becoming more contented and fulfilled.

now, that first passage i like because i get asked so often if i see the glass as half full or half empty, i'm thrilled that now i can answer that i'm the water in the glass. and i like the idea of being full of bubbles... it did make me wonder, as i was running today, whether "i" was the calf that was hurting, the "i" that sensed the pain, or the "i" that decided it was fine to just keep running and let it work itself out. but "i" didn't come to a conclusion as "i" was running and trying to relax a calf without falling off the treadmill. (all while singing "help" by the beatles which seemed so damned appropriate i thought i'd include it.) but i am also "getting" that i am not identified by my thoughts or my feelings...and i am so freaking relieved by that because sometimes, i just don't know where the shit that flies through my head comes from...

which i guess explains why the second passage is significant to me...can i get an alleluia!!?! a praise god!!!? (or dog or bob or whoever you praise...) again...it's a relief. sometimes i get so bogged down by negative thoughts. so.....bogged......down...... but i'll keep practicing and then i can't avoid being happier...i love that part. like even if i try, i can't avoid it. cool.

so that right there is probably proof enough why i should not think too much while my body is allocating the bulk of its energy to run. but it felt good...

i also want to put out there that a friend of mine (from the cyber mama tribe) is traveling to galveston for some much needed time alone. i talked to her for the first time today to let her know i was thinking about her and to take care of herself. she had kind of a sexy, sultry voice. not that i didn't expect it...which i didn't...but it's just cool how us mama types always have little surprises about ourselves up our sleeves. so if you feel so inclined, i'm sure she could use some raising up.

also, my sons spent time with some kids from a family that is moving at the end of this week. i know people come and go in life...and i know i can't protect them from ever knowing disappointment or longing or loss...i wouldn't really want to, to be honest...but i wish this family the best and am grateful for the time we spent with them. rock climbing will never be the same without them...

also, a friend i haven't spoken to in awhile seems to have been going through some rough times, so a little raising up for her would be good, too...

peace

colors

i often see colors in feelings. when i was a kid, there were these inherent numerical values assigned to colors and weird color combinations would yield these weird equations, but that's not what i'm writing about. when i say i see colors, i don't mean i see auras or whatever. when i'm feeling things, there is often a background color to it. and the more i meditate, the more aware of these colors i've become over time. (the more i meditate, the weirder my dreams get, as well, but that's not what i'm writing about either.)

i went to book club last night. same group of women, minus one. same histories for them, same newbie me, but with an extra month of history under my belt. the book was really good. it was called assassination vacation written by sarah vowell. like i said before, it was about the assassinations of presidents lincoln, garfield, and mckinley. sarah vowell does not like our current administration and i liked her book a lot. but this is not what i'm writing about right now either...

when i'm in a group of people, i can get a sense of how people are feeling. it's not rocket science...i'm sure i'm reading their body language, listening to their tone, watching what muscles are tensed...but it is instinctual, so i'm not sure exactly what i'm doing, but last night i could really feel the background colors on each person. it was pretty new for me...

so the cool part...

i was sitting next to this mama i'm getting to know. (the one i saw david sedaris with.) and there's another mama on the other side of her. there's also a mama across from us and a rogue papa who showed up, too. so the mama next to me and i are talking to the couple across from us most of the night. time to tally up the bills and the mama on the other side of mama-sitting-next-to-me (i was on the end of the table...does that make this any easier?) is getting frustrated because the wait staff is not totalling her change correctly. first it's too little...then it's too much. and every one's getting drawn into this frustration...helping her add the change....yes, they are wrong!...what to do?...bla bla bla but the mama i was sitting next to just kept talking, telling stories, laughing. and i kept listening, telling my stories, and laughing, too. it was cool. there were plenty of folks helping mama-with-change-issues get her stuff settled. i don't think we were shirking our civic duties at all. no one got hurt. they sorted the issue out...get this, without our help. and hell, we just had a good time.

so the colors...right...the colors. frustration or anger or whatever...for me, emotions that close me up and don't allow energy to move through to find a solution, basically keeping me stuck in the problem...they're kind of black or some variant of black...which i guess really means some shade of gray. and i'm not judging whether this woman with change issues was closed off or not. this is just my reading of emotions, which is a reflection of me...because i'm not her. and i don't know her...well, i sort of do. but not well enough to know her emotions. i barely know my spouse that well and i've known him for eighteen years. (holy shit, that's a long time...) anyway...i was seeing gray around mama with change issues.

but mama sitting next to me had colors going...blues, greens, purples, reds...and i had a choice to make.

i usually feel compelled to help sort things out...even if i'm the forty-fifth person to come upon the issue. i still feel this prime responsibility to help someone be happy. but i know i'm not always the right person for the job. i often make things worse, what with my morbid intensity and amazing propensity to mindfuck things... yet, i still often react blindly to that compelling feeling...

i guess this is where quiet and awareness come in? meditation and whatnot? i don't know. i'm really still too new to this. but i was aware, as clumsy as it felt inside me, that i had a choice. and i chose colors. and once the change issue was sorted through, the colors returned. it was a really nice night. i'm glad for the community.

so that's about all i got on that. other than there's a kid's book where it makes a rainbow...each page covers a specific color and has a ribbon that color at the top of the page. turn the page, new color, new ribbon in the rainbow. that's what i was thinking about last night when i was going to bed. and for the record, no, i don't do drugs...snort.
peace