Friday, May 2, 2008

centering myself

i don't know why, but i'm feeling good today. whatever war has been waging in my body has settled down...for the most part. and the sense of calm that has come with it is so very, very welcomed.

i often doubt myself...question myself....wonder.....who i am.....why i do the things i do....why i feel the things i feel.....why i think the things i think....why i am drawn to the things i am drawn to.....why i am pissed off by the stuff that pisses me i threatened? am i hurt? am i scared? am i afraid of being hurt? am i focusing too much on the what ifs and not enough on the reality of now?

i was reading a book about reiki the other day. i'm still not 100% sure what reiki is...i haven't finished the book yet. but it talked about how if people question you about your practice of reiki, you should not be defensive or tense....that you should be calm and centered when answering their questions. the book said that if you still felt defensive and tense, then maybe you should find a place to calm and center yourself and ask yourself, "why did i choose reiki?" like i said, i still don't completely understand what reiki is, but this statement i understood 110%.

i have long known that when i shrink back in fear, flare up in defensiveness, tighten up in is because i am not sure of things. and the biggest thing i am unsure of is myself. so when i poke and prod and push and pull and expand and wander around in myself for awhile, i often doubt the rationality and the productivity, the wisdom, of what i am doing. i feel like i am being self-centered, egotistical, whiny, and, the deeply dreaded, weak. but i come out of it feeling more centered in the world, a little more humbled, patient, and surprisingly capable if not outright strong. it's not all hearts and flowers, but it is a refreshing reprieve from the time do i say....being ground down and polished?

richard rohr says there are always dark nights of faith. he's talking about faith in God, but i think anything that requires some faith will have times where that faith is shaken down and something stronger (or at least different) grows up in its place. the darkness is, well, dark. and if you like dark...well, it probably won't be dark, then, because mainly the darkness is a really uncomfortable place to be. but you keep walking, even if by the end you are huddled over and barely taking steps or crawling on your knees, and you make it through to a place that isn't as dark.

i think believing in yourself requires faith. there are many different messages that come at a person about who they are....some from people they love, some from people they've never even spoken to, and everyone else in between. so holding on to that truth that is you takes faith. when you fall short, you hold on to the truth of who you are. even when someone else doesn't. and be grateful for those times others see what you might be too discouraged or too despairing to believe at that moment...

it's a funny dance. and our partners change sometimes, but the music goes on. and sometimes the partners who don't change on the outside, change on the inside, and the music goes on. and even when we change, fall into darkness, walk back out into light, the music still goes on. it becomes less and less about me as i keep dancing....and more and more about the music and the dance.

so i am doing alright...i think i like this song.

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