Wednesday, May 28, 2008


today had kind of a rocky start. by ten, i was thinking i needed to get whataburger for lunch and shove my mouth full of it...i was even considering getting a second burger just to rub all over me, so big felt my misery, i suppose. i was going to bathe myself, inside and out, with what i used to think of as comfort food, but what i now know will make me sick. so i was going to choose to make myself sick.

so after an hour or so on the computer, avoiding doing anything that might serve me well in the long run, i put on my workout clothes and got on the treadmill. well, i did lift a few weights and stretch first, but i spent an hour on the treadmill, walking, climbing, jogging....thinking, working, reading my reiki book. it was a good thing. i'm glad i did it. today was actually a big day for my treadmill time because there were some things i started thinking about that i wanted to work through a little with words...

i started out wondering why the hell my need for "comfort food" (which would make me sick) was soooo strong, so deep. i mean, i don't normally consider buying an extra burger to rub through my hair, so it was kind of weird to feel such an overwhelming craving for that. i've asked the mamas in my cybertribe why do do we do that? why do we want things that are bad for us? especially when we are feeling badly already? what is that tendency to do self injurious things when we are already hurting?

i was thinking for me, there's a belief that i'm not really worth goodness. so maybe i sabotage myself, because i think that's what i "deserve"? probably that makes some sense. but i really do believe, deep down, that life is good and we are all good and that the goodness in us and the goodness that is life are drawn together, even though there are all these little things that get in the way. so why is the default crappy? i mean, i didn't get the burger or burgers, and that's big, i think. but why was i craving them so much...

the reiki book today was talking about how reiki always works for the greatest good. i've been thinking a lot about the greatest good, even praying about it. it's right up my alley. it's God. but the book talked about how the positive energy drawn to intentions centering on the greatest good for many is much greater than the positive energy drawn to intentions centering on the greatest good just for yourself. this was big.

because last night i got in an argument with my spouse. and what it was over isn't important. but somehow, during it and afterward, i could feel how deep the well is for healing in me. healing i feel like i need, not that i feel like i can give, just to explain. and i had noticed that earlier in one of the blogs i didn't post. that while i am very concerned with pleasing people, making sure people know they are loved, experience joy...i am also endlessly needy for those same things. and that's kind of hard to balance. because while i want to always give, i don't often feel like i'm receiving much, i guess. i mean, i know i am. but when i am needy, it always seems like the cupboard's bare.

oh, and another thing i thought of was that my relationship with health is wonky. like, i've always felt being healthy was a defensive action...if you're fit, people can't put you down for not being fit. if you're not fat, people can't use that to hurt you. as though somehow your vulnerability justifies someone else's bad behavior toward you. but today, i started to see being healthy as a way of making sure i would be able to give and receive to the greatest ability and for the greatest good. i don't definitely made me feel more joyful inside. because i don't work well wears me out....totally kills the joy. if i am acting out of a concern that someone wants to hurt me, well, it just doesn't feel natural to me. not that i'm not aware there will be times people will want to hurt me, but i just see that desire as being an unhealed hurt for that person, and i don't feel very threatened by it. because we all have those, right?

i don't know...these are big shifts and hard to capture in words, but i just felt like it was time to try a little.

anyway...once i started reading in this reiki book about making ourselves channels for pure energy, allowing us to experience and live with the energy so long as we're willing to accept it for the intent of sharing it, well, then things started shifting. and i started seeing that when i receive healing, when i receive positive energy, it does not have to go in the bottomless pit of my "neediness" but can be shared as the positive energy it is. meaning it's an endless amount. because i have the ability to heal myself.

ok, i think that's enough for today. still trying to put feet to these rather lofty ideals.

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