defeated perfectionist

this is a term dr. kevin leman uses in the birth order book. he says first borns are perfectionists and when people tell him he's wrong about that because they're married to a first born who is a slob and not a perfectionist, dr. leman corrects them that their partner is a defeated perfectionist. someone who has their expectations set so high that they fail rather than try.

i am, at times, a defeated perfectionist.

i am also, at times, an egomaniac with an inferiority complex, but that's an anne lamott term and i'm not talking about that part of myself today. (you probably wouldn't want to hear it anyway, would you?...snort)

anyway... i think there is wisdom in waiting before you act. and i have certainly had a lot to think about lately and it's probably been a good thing to pull my feelers in a bit and breathe through some of the million or so thoughts and feelings that have been going through my mind. but i'm also a bit motivated by a frantic need to do the "right" thing and the absolute certainty i will, well, fuck it up. and i don't know why it's so hard for me to just say, "hey! i fucked up! it was an honest mistake...so sorry." but it is. i mean, it balls up in my throat. i don't know why i feel it so deeply and personally that i am all wrong when i make a mistake instead of just that mistake wrong. but it's the kind of thing that makes my toes curl and my head pound before i've even begun to realize what my problem might be...

so today's advice for myself...go ahead and fuck up...just do it. i mean, not with the kids...that happens enough accidentally. and i'm not saying i need to fuck up big time.

like, for example, my sister says i need to quit worrying about pissing people off. (yeah, i'm a sailor today) that people will get over me pissing them off. they will survive it and i will survive it. (that made me get all lumpy in the throat when she told me that....) there is some little kid in me that is so scared and hurting. i'm so glad i'm getting well enough to parent her, too. all this time i've wanted a daughter...all this time i've had one, i guess.

so a fuck up...let's see...well, i did paint my living room walls periwinkle. and while this may not seem a fuck up to some, it was not a raging success in my world. but it's drying a little more on the sky blue side and this i'm ok with. i still feel a little jittery inside...will other people like this color? but i can hear my sister so loudly in my head..."fuck 'em" ok, ok...for today. i'll at least try a few pictures on the walls before i declare it a failure. black and whites to kind of dull it a little might work...

peace

ps--i didn't want to post this because i felt like it sounded so stupid...and i really want to give all six readers of my blog something interesting...but i just had to get this crap out. breathing has gotten a little easier... and thanks for reading. <3