Wednesday, March 26, 2008

to think or to do, that is always my question

it's been a busy week. last wednesday, i drove my kids about two hours to meet up with their auntie and yaya (chinese paternal grandpa) to spend the night. my friend brought them home the next day and then she stayed with us until easter. that friday, my nephew came and stayed with us and started running fever. saturday we worked really hard in the yard, building a fence. sunday, we celebrated easter in this really great, holy, low-key kind of way and then came home and finished the fence. i also painted a lot last week. monday, hope radio came up with her kids. but a friend of ours didn't make it because her son broke his elbow on the way. (that sucked) hope and crew spent monday night. e started running fever monday, too. tuesday, lanatron and her dh and four kids came up and became part of the mix and we went rock climbing...all twelve kids. (well, minus e who was still warm and just sat in the ringsling the whole time.) lanatron and fam spent the night while hope drove home last night and this morning, lanatron and crew left and e's fever broke. and a partridge in a pear tree was in there somewhere, too....

i often feel like i don't do enough. like i think too much. that's one of the things that i love about buddhism is because there are simple actions within the framework of big concepts that free your mind from the illusion of controlling things...whoa, that wasn't what i thought i was going to say. but it's true. and i worry that i spend too much time thinking, talking, writing...(on my ass, basically) that i don't give feet to my ideals enough...test them with failure and rebuild.

but it was a busy, busy week. i did a lot. and it was exhilarating. and exhausting. i love those women that i saw, but i have to say, i love those kids. i've seen the mamas a few times and the times we've gotten together since i moved, i've seen the kids. but this time they were in my house...a slightly captive audience, and i was able to really spend time with them and i really, really miss those guys. they are all beautiful people.

but as much as i love those kids, i cannot deny that their mamas are my best friends...capable of making me laugh even when i have a young one on his second day of 103 degree fevers. and the longer we know each other, the more comfortable our relationships together, cleaning was, in a word, lovely.

and then the mama who didn't make it?...well, i talked to her this morning. her son's elbow is doing alright.... she spent some time yesterday with a friend who is dying. my friend is amazing like that. she shows up at those times when NO ONE wants to be there...and i know her. she's not one of those huggy, laughy, demonstrative type people. i bet the times she's shown up at the end, and this is the third time i'm aware of her doing it since i've known her, those folks had no idea it'd be her to do that. that's just who she is. and i told her she was so inspirational for that. for being a living example of how to, well, live. that i talk too much. she said i was wise, say wise things and i told her the truth...i'm clearly channeling someone else when wise things come out of my mouth. because if i really was those wise things, i think i'd do different stuff... she said she really only spent about fifteen minutes at the hospital and that made me feel a little better, but still very inspired by her commitment in her actions...

so i did a lot. but i found moments of quiet, too. and they were precious and delightful...a breeze caressing my face, the grass cool, the sun just right. it was, honestly, a great week. but as always, the eternal search for balance resumes. maybe by looking for it, it eludes me? did i have it last week? shit.... i may be over thinking this ....


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