life check

i am tired. i guess it's daylight savings, sort of, but after 34 years of doing dst, i just kind of don't feel like bitching about it anymore...maybe next year.

but i am the weepy kind of tired...not a negative weepy, though. just a deeply feeling kind of weepy. i almost cried that i made myself a sandwich for breakfast...and it was a good sandwich...and this made me so happy, i teared up. (do you see what i'm saying here?...chuckle)

my friend julie is going to nepal this week to adopt her son. she's been working on this for almost three years. she's four feet tall (yeah, that makes her a dwarf). her son's a dwarf, too. i think traveling to foreign countries is hard. i think doing it when you are four feet tall takes A LOT of balls. she is scared and i could tell and that made me all emotional because i am proud of her for doing this, angry that it's so damned hard, and, frankly, relieved it's not me. (i know, i know, how's that for fucked up? but it's true and i am just so not in the mood to lie today...) i have a whole blog about this that i wrote a few days ago, but i didn't like it and need to tweak it and haven't liked any of my tweaking so here's a paragraph. if you have any room in your prayers, you could insert julie (and sawyer if you've got two open spots)....

i went to my the-rapist yesterday. that was good. but i didn't realize it was good until about ten hours after i went...i was a little slow on the uptake yesterday. i actually thought it wasn't good and was considering whether i should just find another the-rapist, but last night, talking to hope radio, i realized how much i had gotten from the appointment. i started to tell her about it, but then stopped, because i was afraid if i tried to capture it all with words, i'd just screw it up... but it was good. i will not wait five weeks til i see my the-rapist next time...that's a lesson i can write down.

there are all these babies born this past month on this mama board i'm on. and every time i read a story, am overwhelmed by the beauty of that birth story and have my paradigm shifted a bit, well, another story comes along that blows me away again. it has been such an honor and a joy to be a part of the community right now. welcome little killian, aubronne, jaxson, and leo james...

on that same board we talk about birthing issues, which are important to each member for different reasons but are important to me, in part, because that's what N's chosen to do with his life (and ours, sort of, hey?). i learned this week to listen to all of what each woman has to say and not take it personally because it is their personal stories...and i appreciate the sharing and opportunity to, again, broaden my understanding. i cannot tell you how healing it was to learn this...and how much there is to be given and shared once the shift comes.

oh, and then hope radio's knuckle head military guy got home from iraq last week. i think they're all called jar heads, but this one is america's first knuckle head, or something like that. it's been another opportunity for widening horizons as i've watched her support these soldiers, with my own ambivalence about war--not soldiers, war--and try to figure out how to help, what kind of prayers to pray, how to add something to the positive energy being sent forward.

and then my kids...they're all growing so much. i am proud of them, released by them, relieved by them.. there are just those moments when you realize they are on their own journeys. they are their own people. and it is wonderful and terrifying and exhausting and exhilarating...

all these shifts...broadening, widening....makes me think of birth itself. but it also makes me realize how fluid life is. how much it really does flow. and maybe that's why i'm feeling so liquidy inside...
peace