Wednesday, September 3, 2008

tree falling, take two

i'm telling you, blogging without coffee is a dangerous thing...glad i didn't hurt myself...

ok, the tree in the forest thing. i know it goes beyond tshirts... i guess it's a question about truth. without a witness, what's true? bear with me, but it's like there are all these thoughts sitting in a huge circle around my head...we'll call them geese because geese have nice, long necks. so i've been trying to grab them all by the neck and tie them together into one nice, cohesive thought... but they keep sneaking out and confusing me because they all seem related, all look the same, but keep moving around. yes, i am saying my brain feels full of feathers....or something like that.

what i was wondering, really, when the tree thought popped into my head last night was about loving people...and if they don't know you love them, if you haven't communicated that to them (or communicated it in a way they will understand), do you love them? does it change anything? what's the difference? i mean, certainly it matters to send love. but feeling love can change things too. and how many women think they feel love in a relationship where there may be a lot of emotion, but love might not exactly be what's being sent?... i don't know...

i wonder if my sister knows how amazing i really think she is...if my parents know how much i respect them deep down even though i let myself get distracted by pretty shallow shit sometimes...if my brothers know how proud i am of them, even though they could do better, because they aren't hurting anyone and i think they all have good hearts.

if my spouse knows how much i respect him for the drive he's shown, his commitment to the world and us, how funny and smart he is...if my kids know how much i like them and how grateful i am that they don't do everything i tell them to because sometimes i am dumb and speak before i think and really like the way they do things so much better.

if my friends know how much i appreciate and admire and love them...if lana only knew how much i really wish she'd move over this way...if jeanni knows how i wish we could still sit on picnic tables and solve the problems of the world...if hope knows how i wish her much i miss all of those families?...mamas, children, AND husbands.

does jen know how glad i am to have met such a beautiful person?...or does cristy know how much i care about her and wish her a feeling of health and much i think about sara and her deployed husband and her beautiful kids...vickie and her gorgeous family and how much her love is evident and inspiring. does mama denise know i want to be her when i grow up? much i miss my friend patsy and wish i could be more a part of planning her upcoming weird it feels to miss out on watching marcy's kids grow up?...and thalia's? julie's doing and when and how many kids she'll finally end up with.

i think about my niece's family, her new little one that i ache to hold, touch, see with my own other niece in medical school, wishing her nephew that i haven't heard from in too long and i worry about but hope he's happy.

my cyber mama tribe...all of them...whit, ana, carrie, shannon, angie, corey, carol, shannon, lisa, dani, anna, shellee, bonnie, nic, angie, tanya, kristin, allison, jess, allyson, amy, annette, rachel, kara, christine, beth, tina, jenn, tiffany, mel, angel, dar, holly, mandy...and all those beautiful, gorgeous children.

i often meditate at night, while i'm falling asleep. there's this buddhist prayer that focuses on extending your circle of loving kindness (but it's kind of long to include), and so while i pray or meditate at night, i extend my circle and go through my family, dh's family, our friends...basically all the folks i mentioned plus the people from church, neighbors, etc. i was wondering last night what difference it makes. if no one hears the tree, does it make a sound? but then i remembered that i know someone hears the sound...and it's the best noise this tree knows how to make... not that that necessarily solved everything, but it did bring the geese to a shared spot to rest.


JO said...


Love always makes a difference. And whether you can hear it or not, you can always see it. I see it in you all the time.

Anonymous said...

It makes all the difference in the world. That energy makes its way, mama. Always.

LanaTron said...

That was beautiful. Thanks for sharing.