snow falling on cedars

this was the last book we read for book club. i still haven't finished it. parts of it were very compelling to me and other parts notsomuch. i have about fifty pages left to read, but i don't think i'll finish it anytime soon, if at all. i will admit that this is the first book i've ever skipped to the back to read the ending before arriving there chronologically. and i don't really know why i did that.

the book is somewhat of a mystery. it covers the time in history when japanese americans were forced into camps after pearl harbor was bombed. but it also deals a lot with the history and relationships of the characters, and the attitude of the townspeople where the story takes place, and just human nature in general...differences in paradigms and how those differences affect our perception of each other and ourselves. i did like the book...but it just doesn't feel like i need to know how it ends.

i didn't set out to collect quotes in this book, but a hundred pages or so into it, i just came across some that struck me...

"There was a place in him she could not reach where he made his choices in solitude, and this made her not only uneasy about him but afraid for their future, too. Her life was joined to his now, and it seemed to her that every corner of his soul should be opened to hers because of this."

"The trick was to live here without hating yourself because all around you was hatred. The trick was to refuse to allow your pain to prevent you from living honorably. In Japan, she said, a person learned not to complain or be distracted by suffering. To persevere was always a reflection of the state of one's inner life, one's philosophy, and one's perspective."

"He was not Japanese, and they had met as such a young age, their love had come out of thoughtlessness and impulse, she had fallen into loving him long before she knew herself, though it occurred to her now that she might never know herself, that perhaps no one ever does, that such a thing might not be possible."

"If identity was geography instead of blood--if living in a place was what really mattered--then Ishmael was part of her, inside of her, as much as anything Japanese. It was, she knew, the simplest kind of love, the purest form, untainted by Mind, which twisted everything, as Mrs. Shigemura, ironically, had preached."

after rereading these quotes, maybe i will try to finish it. i've already picked up another book and i just ordered three more. hello, my name is marci and i'm a book whore. but i am also okay with that.
peace

busy day, busy day

we went to the robotics thing this morning for my oldest. now we've been cleaning for the sleep over we're having tomorrow, plus the friend who's hanging out here tonight. i get to go to book club (where i didn't read the book but i am so not feeling like a loser over this today...i'm just not...it's a freaking choice and i'm choosing baby) tonight and it's somewhere where i can have a beer. (i need a "woo" emoticon here, friends)

we need to get our math knocked out and i'd like to test them into some other curriculum, too. plus, my house is a sty. we're busy folks. the house shows it....all over the place. oh, and i need to pay credit cards today...buzz kill.

there's been so much going on lately...on the inside and on the outside. i can't really talk about a lot of it because it's all just wispy little thoughts...i don't have the strength today to even pretend to try to grab those geese's necks, you know?

oh! but i did run four miles on the treadmill yesterday. and i wanted to talk about that. because so often when i exercise, i think about what i can't do. or what i'm not doing... if i do thirty sit ups, i think about how i wish i could do fifty and i'm a wuss for not being able to...stuff like that. and i'm not sure why. but yesterday, i was going to run for forty-five minutes. the music i was listening to finished and i threw on the dixie chicks because i wanted to hear a few of those songs...well, forty-five minutes was going to be up before i'd heard the songs, so i just kept running a little longer. it was cool that i could do that... i guess being all appreciative for that ability made me aware of my usual state of mind when i run...it was a small part of me that cracked open, but it was cool.

and i'm trying to hear sarah palin's speech at the rnc. it's a five parter on you tube. i've made it through the first two parts. i think i'd rather read a transcript...so much of it is clapping. and i'm not sure what i think just yet...i mean, i know what my gut feelings are, but they're not something i'm ready to share. but i will say that it annoys the crap out me when people compare mccain's military service and obama's lack thereof. why republicans choose this election to focus on military experience in our commander in chief, after we've been in this war for so long, taken here by a man who couldn't even show up for guard duty...pisses me off, frankly. i think it's bullshit to act like that matters now when it didn't then. i can't tell you how many folks were incredulous that i'd voted for john kerry. and while i'm rarely a one issue voter, i pretty much was in that election. because we were in a fucking war.... and i felt like someone who'd elected to serve two tours would be a hell of a lot more likely to guide us wisely than someone who, i admit in my opinion from reading the stories in papers and online, didn't seem to take serving his country or state seriously at all. and i just needed to put that out there...because it's really been eating at me lately. not that i think this alone should decide anything, but it was just bugging me...sigh, and now i feel better. blogs can be so therapeutic...

peace

colors

i often see colors in feelings. when i was a kid, there were these inherent numerical values assigned to colors and weird color combinations would yield these weird equations, but that's not what i'm writing about. when i say i see colors, i don't mean i see auras or whatever. when i'm feeling things, there is often a background color to it. and the more i meditate, the more aware of these colors i've become over time. (the more i meditate, the weirder my dreams get, as well, but that's not what i'm writing about either.)

i went to book club last night. same group of women, minus one. same histories for them, same newbie me, but with an extra month of history under my belt. the book was really good. it was called assassination vacation written by sarah vowell. like i said before, it was about the assassinations of presidents lincoln, garfield, and mckinley. sarah vowell does not like our current administration and i liked her book a lot. but this is not what i'm writing about right now either...

when i'm in a group of people, i can get a sense of how people are feeling. it's not rocket science...i'm sure i'm reading their body language, listening to their tone, watching what muscles are tensed...but it is instinctual, so i'm not sure exactly what i'm doing, but last night i could really feel the background colors on each person. it was pretty new for me...

so the cool part...

i was sitting next to this mama i'm getting to know. (the one i saw david sedaris with.) and there's another mama on the other side of her. there's also a mama across from us and a rogue papa who showed up, too. so the mama next to me and i are talking to the couple across from us most of the night. time to tally up the bills and the mama on the other side of mama-sitting-next-to-me (i was on the end of the table...does that make this any easier?) is getting frustrated because the wait staff is not totalling her change correctly. first it's too little...then it's too much. and every one's getting drawn into this frustration...helping her add the change....yes, they are wrong!...what to do?...bla bla bla but the mama i was sitting next to just kept talking, telling stories, laughing. and i kept listening, telling my stories, and laughing, too. it was cool. there were plenty of folks helping mama-with-change-issues get her stuff settled. i don't think we were shirking our civic duties at all. no one got hurt. they sorted the issue out...get this, without our help. and hell, we just had a good time.

so the colors...right...the colors. frustration or anger or whatever...for me, emotions that close me up and don't allow energy to move through to find a solution, basically keeping me stuck in the problem...they're kind of black or some variant of black...which i guess really means some shade of gray. and i'm not judging whether this woman with change issues was closed off or not. this is just my reading of emotions, which is a reflection of me...because i'm not her. and i don't know her...well, i sort of do. but not well enough to know her emotions. i barely know my spouse that well and i've known him for eighteen years. (holy shit, that's a long time...) anyway...i was seeing gray around mama with change issues.

but mama sitting next to me had colors going...blues, greens, purples, reds...and i had a choice to make.

i usually feel compelled to help sort things out...even if i'm the forty-fifth person to come upon the issue. i still feel this prime responsibility to help someone be happy. but i know i'm not always the right person for the job. i often make things worse, what with my morbid intensity and amazing propensity to mindfuck things... yet, i still often react blindly to that compelling feeling...

i guess this is where quiet and awareness come in? meditation and whatnot? i don't know. i'm really still too new to this. but i was aware, as clumsy as it felt inside me, that i had a choice. and i chose colors. and once the change issue was sorted through, the colors returned. it was a really nice night. i'm glad for the community.

so that's about all i got on that. other than there's a kid's book where it makes a rainbow...each page covers a specific color and has a ribbon that color at the top of the page. turn the page, new color, new ribbon in the rainbow. that's what i was thinking about last night when i was going to bed. and for the record, no, i don't do drugs...snort.
peace

quick addendum

i like the article i just posted for a few different reasons... but the biggest is that it reminds me that while i feel like some people need to get over their hang ups, their stereotypes concerning others that they don't even know much about, that i need to do the same.

my bff from high school's partner sent me that article...they live a little north of me, but still in the same conservative, often religious fundamentalist populated state and we emailed back and forth expressing surprise that such an even tempered, well written article supporting same sex marriage would appear in her local newspaper. and i haven't discussed this issue with many folks around me because that attitude would surprise me here, too, to be honest. we just don't expect the people around here to be supportive or understanding, i guess...and i guess we need to get over it, huh?

and i realize stereotypes are often protective...i do not want to spend hours each day arguing for same sex marriage or telling someone else i feel they're wrong (if they feel same sex marriage is destroying the institution of marriage or whatever) anymore than someone wants a lifestyle they know nothing about surrounding them. but i am a live and let live kind of person, just like the guy who wrote the article. and i need to realize that so are many of the folks i'm surrounded by. (well, maybe we're just more live and let live than other things, i suppose.) again with the same-ness, huh?...

anyway...

i have book club tonight and now need to try to finish the book. it's about the assassinations of lincoln, garfield, and mckinley, and i've only just barely started the stuff on garfield...sigh. i just didn't want to be a book club failure again this month... but i will let you know the name of the book and what i thought of it when i finish it...i am actually liking it quite a bit.
peace

just a small check list of sorts

--book club was fun. they really don't discuss the book much at all, which is kind of weird. but maybe if i actually read the book for next month, i'll have something to add, thereby increasing the discussion time from fifteen to at least seventeen minutes. we'll see. but we did discuss eddie izzard quite a bit, tell some stories, and laugh a lot. it's strange to be seated at a table with a group of women and hear them tell stories about each other's births, spouses, houses, families...it was so apparent how long they'd known each other. and me the outsider... but i mean strange in a neat way. i enjoyed it. i just wonder sometimes if we're really meant to settle here in this place of ultra-conservatism. i mean, these women did and they seem happy. i guess we'll just have to see....

--emily died. not emily saliers...emily, my mouse. it was sad. she ate some grapefruit seeds while she was out on saturday, and i haven't googled it, but that's all i can figure would've been bad. unless she ate my incense or something? i don't know. so amy is all alone. and i want to get her a friend, but i'm going to wait to be sure she's healthy for awhile before i start some chain of mouse deaths in my house...that would be so sad.

--my spouse woke me up at six o'clock this morning because he heard something in the wall. he was getting ready for work. he was all laughing/wow/freaking out about it. i was all grubby-eyed/drowsy/wtf? about it. and then he proceeded to leave a bunch of lights on in the house...as though five of us weren't still sleeping. i guess i should say seven because the dogs were asleep, too, and then miss kitty started whining to go outside and, oh, i was just annoyed. but i think he was all chipper cause, well, you know, he got some last night. and we've been talking a lot. and i think he's feeling good about things. and i am, too. nothing like being the total outsider to get you to make peace with those you're closest to. he even said he'd start doing yoga with me...and NOT make fun of us...yeah...i'll believe it when i see it.

--i've been thinking a lot about the mamas on my mama board...and just the circles of friends i have, in general. the diversity. the shared love and support. what's important to each individually. what becomes important as we journey as a group. i still have a lot to learn. but the shifts at this point seem to be coming below the verbal radar, which is important sometimes....saves it from potential mindfucking. must be sacred stuff... but i do love these women.

--it feels good to get stuff done around the house. actually getting a lot of this stuff out of the house is doing great things for my state of mind. i might post some pics later of the kids' closets...please don't think me crazy. but i want to preserve this moment...if i get around to it.

--and i think that's it for now. last rock climbing class is today. i am looking forward to a little more "unstructured" time. i have a post brewing about my second born son that i will try to get to this week. i have a couple of meetings this week, too. piano. no flute. i think i've got it under control...snort.

peace