i am tired

and i have issues.

this is something i've been saying for a very long time. so long, that it's allowed my spouse to think i am the only one with issues. he's a smart man. i don't think he ever set out to believe it was just me who created and maintained the problems we have...well, and was responsible for fixing them, too, i should add. and today, when we talked about it...(after a good learning session from my the-rapist)...i don't think it was a good feeling for either of us as certain things began to dawn on him. as we both took a moment of clarity (or the least angry moment) to sift through things, speak plainly, and see what's really going on here. and i have a huge responsibility to make some changes to stop the cycle...but he has huge responsibilities, too. i do think he might be a little behind the learning curve on this, but that's from the perspective of one who's always taken on too much responsibility. maybe he'll be the rookie that comes out batting one thousand. at least we're still on the same team...

i really thought i'd had a rough week. i really thought it was just a shitty weekend. i really see we sometimes have to be worn down to get to the most elemental parts of us to start real change. the grinding down i was talking about in another post. i can deal with this...i really can. my face hurts from crying a lot and i am weary, but i am dealing. wonder who i'll be tomorrow? obviously still me, but me a little different, i think. i am optimistic...cautiously optimistic.

peace