loved and chosen

while we were on vacation, my 22 year old nephew and my sil (his mother) had an argument. to be honest, they had a couple of arguments. the first one, i told him i thought that was enough, he'd made his point, and did he think he could stop himself. no, he didn't ask me if i thought it was enough, but i figure if i have to hear him tear his mom down for awhile, then he can hear my unsolicited opinion on it. i mean, it is family vacation after all, and, well, that's part of it... i don't like to hear unsolicited opinions, so i don't attack folks in crowded rooms. i mostly only ever attack my spouse and i save that for private moments...makes it more special. but i digress....

the second argument they shared with everyone...hehe...i'm being a little jerky here, but i love these people dearly, so it's not as awful as it sounds. anyway, the second argument they had that we got drawn into by being there, i realized how hard it is for my nephew to be with this whole family...how insecure he feels, how judged, how less than everyone else, how other. and as an adult, well, as an older adult, i know he chooses some of this, alienates himself, whatever. but that mattered to me less than how he felt. so i told him that i was proud of him for coming on vacation with everyone...for choosing to come. and that's all i said.

apparently, my sil heard me. and today, she wanted me to know that her the-rapist told her he was proud of her for letting her son, my nephew, go with them on vacation. that her son doesn't always make good decisions and has made life difficult for them, so the-rapist was applauding them for letting him come. she compared that to me telling my nephew i was proud of him for coming. i told her i was glad her the-rapist told her that and left it there.

later, i felt kind of pissy about it. i wasn't making a negative comment about her when i told my nephew i was proud of him for coming. i was supporting him. and she has a the-rapist to tell her "good job" when she needs to hear it. now, granted, my nephew wouldn't go to therapy even if you offered him money, but i think it's okay for him to hear "good job" once and awhile...even if he does still make mostly crappy decisions...which i don't know that he does or doesn't...just if. (see how good i am at playing defense in my own mind?)

then i picked up anne lamott and read through the quotes i've underlined lately...and here's a passage from an essay called wailing wall...it takes place in her sunday school class with three to six year olds...

Next, as always, we did Loved and Chosen.

I sat on the couch and glanced slowly around in a goofy, menacing way, and then said, "Is anyone here wearing a blue sweatshirt with Pokemon on it?" The four-year old looked down at his chest, astonished to discover that he matched this description--like, What are the odds? He raised his hand. "Come over here on the couch, " I said. "You are so loved, and so chosen." He clutched at himself like a beauty pageant finalist. Then I asked if anyone that day was wearing green socks with brown shoes, a Giants cap, an argyle vest. Each of them turned out to be loved and chosen, which does not happen so often. Even Neshama--Anyone in red shoes today?--leapt toward the couch with relief.

My Jesuit friend Tom once told me that this is a good exercise because in truth, everyone is loved and chosen, even Dick Cheney, even Saddam Hussein. That God loves them, because God loves.

"This--more than anything else--does not make sense to me," I said.

"Because you are a little angry," Tom explained. "But when people die, they are forgiven and welcomed home. Then God will help them figure out how to clean up the disgusting messes they have made. God has skills and ideas on how to do this."

i don't know about having to die to be forgiven and welcomed, but the rest of it made me smile and feel all warm inside...i am happy to know the tiny aerobics instructor is loved and chosen (my sil)...and the tall, dark headed guy who always wears suspenders is loved and chosen too...and i'm hoping the plain blonde who thinks too much and gets overly defensive in her head is loved and chosen, too...and everyone else.

so my kids are outside playing in the blow up pool from two summers ago. it's kind of deflate-y, but they're still having a great time. ahhh, i just heard the bathroom door shut, so i believe there are probably some grassy kids climbing into my tub to warm up and clean up...spring is here. it just springs hot enough in texas to play in the water. happy days!

peace

being bums

i often wonder if i give my children too much leisure time. (ironically, i balance this out with worrying that i over schedule them...which is it, huh?) we watched three episodes of heroes yesterday. (blockbuster didn't have the third season of lost...wtf?) but then we did our responsibilities and got back on the laundry train, took our heavy comforters off our beds, played outside, bla bla bla. so it's not like we didn't get anything accomplished. but we're taking it easy this week. after running our asses off on vacation last week. too much? not enough? i'm not sure... all i know is that i'm exhausted and have no desire to jump back into the normal routine around here. so i'm taking it easy. hence, my kids get to take it easy. but i have to say, it is awesome listening to them playing with each other, talking about last week, hanging out together, etc, during this time. i'm loving it. so right or wrong, it's good, you know?

i think my spouse wonders if they'll be productive citizens without all the pressures of school, grades, gpa's, etc. i don't know... on margaret and helen's blog today (which i thought was hilarious, btw) one of the points they make is that helen spanked her kids, her kids didn't spank theirs, and eventually, one of them will be proved right. but maybe they'll both prove good enough...who knows? what works for one family doesn't always work for another. i hope my kids are interested in the world and find a way to connect with it...to be a part of it in a way that is mutually beneficial.

ok...i am going to go do a short run. nothing strenuous. i'm also going to neti pot all the junk out of my head again. then, i will get dressed and find something to do with my day. and i'm pretty sure we'll all be smiling while we do it. sometimes life is hard and stressful and crazy...but this is what we've chosen. and it feels good to have some of those times where we remember why we chose and are grateful for the work we're willing to do to be able to share life with each other like this.

peace

sleepy

i am sitting here, getting ready to pour my second cup of coffee...and i'm tired. coming back home after being in california for six days is a bit of a jolt. i also think having a cold and acting like a kid and going, going, GOING anyway might have a little to do with my exhaustion. it was fun, fun stuff.

san francisco is like a different way of life. i mean, we're all people...we all eat, sleep, poop, work, etc...but it was so neat. so much walking. such a great public transit system (although sometimes those drivers drive so quickly...and with all the stopping and starting...it was hard to get my land legs after getting off of some of those buses).

did i mention there were 23 of us staying in two houses in san francisco? all my spouse's family? did i? well, my spouse is the youngest of five children. and there is often a lot of tension in his family. but this trip went really well. i mean, yes, there were tense moments. but things seem to recover much more quickly than usual. or maybe i'm just getting older and don't care as much. either way, it was good. the kids had a lot of fun together...no f-bombs or the like. and the adults did pretty well, too. (yeah, i'm not making the no f-bombs statement here...i don't like to lie and i'm not too sure on that one). but for the most part, things went fairly well. i think, because this was an unfamiliar place to many of us, the mamas were too busy either shopping or keeping track of kiddos. the tension tended to come from the men this time...directions, decision making, stuff like that. go figure...

it's great going from texas to california, because you wake up at six or six thirty every morning...even if you don't go to sleep until eleven o'clock or midnight. get up, get dressed, eat dim sum (burp) and go exploring. california to texas? not so easy. especially when you don't actually make it to your house until 2:30 in the morning. but...this is a side note...i was so proud of my teen. he went to his class monday morning (which requires leaving our house by 7:15 or earlier) after getting into his bed at 2:30 monday morning. my spouse and i left it up to him. and he went. i think he would've stayed home, but he realized he'd be missing next monday to attend my grandmother's funeral, so he decided to go. i was impressed...he really is growing up. (if i could just ignore all the dirty underwear shoved around the edges of his bed...why do they do that?!?!?!)

so...i made it up early this morning. teen did too, again. he's one ahead of me on that. the rest of my house is quiet, quiet. i think another cup of coffee is in order. maybe some more strawberries. it is good, good to be home. but i had a lot of fun in san francisco and can't wait to go back and experience and explore some more.

peace

other side?...

san francisco was awesome. we did so much...alcatraz, california academy of sciences, exploratorium, chinatown (twice), cartoon museum, muir beach, muir woods, dim sum everyday (burp)...and i think that's it. add in a couple of different dinners, and a chocolate cooking class i took with my bil and niece, plus many bus rides and long, long walks, and that's about all we did. i was freaking exhausted when i got home.

i had a cold the whole time, but hope like hell i can get over it now that i'm able to sleep in my own bed.

and my grandmother died saturday while i was gone. my sister called to tell me (have i ever mentioned how i am soooo glad my sister is my sister? like i'd marry her if she weren't my sister, she's just that awesome). grandmother's funeral is next monday, so the kids and i will attend. and i am really glad i drove the sunday before we left for san francisco to say good-bye to her.

since we've been home...we've found what looked like wendy's sweet and sour sauce in our gas tank (after picking it up from the airport parking garage) and also found a $100 a month charge on our credit card (since last october) that's not ours. good thing we took a vacation before this crap, huh? so that's what we've been working on since yesterday.

much more stuff to write about, but things are still going kind of quickly...hopefully it'll settle a little more soon.

peace

see you on the other side

i am leaving for san francisco tomorrow. it is a vacation, but i am not really excited when it comes to vacations in places i don't know that require things that i am unfamiliar with. i know many people find this exhilarating...and i could possibly be one of those people...if not for the four young ones looking at me, expecting me to lead them, teach them, guide them. but it'll be fine. they already know mama gets lost sometimes, has to turn around...they just might get the opportunity to learn that mama can just sit down in a crowd and weep when she doesn't know where the hell she is...maybe...who knows?

so the packing is almost done. my lessons are almost ready for co-op tomorrow.

yesterday...well, first of all, i have to get in a routine of blogging again. my thoughts get so scattered...and my blog really gives me a place to reflect, process, see stuff in print (because i'm a very strong visual learner, don't you know...) so this is something i must make a priority.

ok, yesterday...i drove four hours to tell my grandmother good-bye. she's the one with alzheimer's who came to visit me a couple of thanksgivings ago and hopped out of the car and said "hello! you remember my husband..." uh, yeah...i remember papa. :) so things have been going downhill for her. she's unresponsive. but who knows how long things can go on like that? my mom (step mom) is up there staying the week with her. my grandfather (who's also a little crazy...i hope i'm not offending anyone, but it's just the truth) actually recognizes my grandmother right now. (this is after a month of refusing to sleep in the bed with "that woman" because she is not his wife...) it's kind of sad but also kind of beautiful. it was very, very tender yesterday...the whole thing. so i drove four hours there, hung out for almost four hours, and then drove four hours home so i could get my family packed today. my grandmother's birthday is wednesday...we'll see if she makes it there. i'll definitely be thinking of her in san francisco...

and that's about all i got right now...off to finish packing.
peace

hunger for the light

when i left for vacation, i think i mentioned our departure time was scheduled for three thirty in the morning... unGODly early in my book. and we made it out on time, too. i put my sleeping kids in my loaded car and i was on my way, coffee in my thermos, cds in the console (i'll post later about the fun of driving music).

and i drove

and i drove and i drove through all these little towns. there were hardly any lights much less anything as significant as a street light. but i wasn't really thinking about the lack of light. mostly i was just navigating and trying to pour more coffee without spilling it and change the cds without driving off the road...you know, important stuff like that with four little ones in your car. (yeah, i know, they're not all so little anymore...humor me)

but when i could see the light beginning to break through in the sky, i cannot even explain how excited i got...how full of anticipation and relief and impatience and so many high energy things i was. those two and half hours before day broke were like driving into eternal night...i don't even think the moon was out. it was kind of oppressive, only i don't think i felt that until i saw the day beginning to break. it was a different feeling for sure because i am not a sunrise kind of woman. i am a sunset and moonrise kind of woman. i don't really do early...

anyway, the feeling was so intense and the sensation of being so almost desperately relieved that the day was here so overwhelming that i gave up a few minutes, because i was making kick ass time, to snap a picture of my moment of salvation as it was...

for what it's worth, it's also how i feel now that i'm home. like i found some light while i was gone that i didn't know i was missing or lacking...but now it's dawning and, again, i feel gratitude. not quite desperately relieved, but definitely relief. but then i guess that's just how life goes. i used to think i'd finally one day figure out that thing and that would be it...i'd be there...done. but like annie says, there's always another circle of light to step into...or another sunrise to be delivered by.

peace