playing

i was just explaining to someone the other day how these new video games are really hard for me to play. when it was pac man or tetris, i was fine...working two dimensionally on a screen worked for me...my brain could handle it. but once the kids got these flying games that moved in three dimensions, trying to manipulate my airplane often left me feeling car sick. and i was a little embarrassed by this...i tried really hard to push through it and get good at those games, but the motion sickness would just get worse and i'd have to admit eventually that i had no desire to even try anymore. my planes would always wobble and then i'd get flipped around and thrown back into the playing field because, despite my best efforts, i'd always end up flying out of bounds. (and the flipping would really make me sick...)

but i have been thinking about those wobbly planes lately. because i've been feeling wobbly, i guess. not flying too evenly...or too confidently, either. i've learned to accept that this is part of life...sometimes without getting too bent over it. but it still makes me a little car sick...and whether that's part of life or not, it's a drag. yes, maybe i shouldn't attach an evaluation to this state of affairs, but it's there...and it's not work i feel like doing to adjust it right now.

it is so funny how i want to come on here and write sometimes, but i don't feel like getting specific...because i'm not always good at which details are relevant and end up getting wrapped around in the story and miss the point...but then i don't always know how to write anything at that point.

my spouse is working nights for a few days. nights suck. it is lonely. although i told him today that i wasn't really sure what all was that different between when he's here nights or not that would affect loneliness...it's not like we talk all that much, to be honest. but then lanatron posted about presence on her blog and it was perfect. i miss his presence...the shared experience even though we often do completely different things (and think completely different things, but i don't feel like getting into that just now) when we're sharing space.

it is a dynamic time for my family. and for whatever reason, one day i will be ready to embrace the new day and another i'll be grabbing ahold of what was, fingers white, nails dug in, not wanting to let go of where we are, what i know. i'm a little erratic these days, as annie would say.

my teenager worked through some anger he had at his robotics coach a few days ago. (yes, i'm also his robotics coach, but i mean the other one) he did really well. he really is an amazing kid who is really wise about how to speak his mind and amazingly in control of his emotions, well, on the outside, as he does it. but it just about wrecked me. i mean, i kept my cool in the situation, tried to be supportive and stuff. but on the inside, and in moments afterward...let's just say i mindfucked my brains out. but then i reminded myself about those times that a good "fuck it" is all that's needed and i tried that on, and it worked for a little while...well, sort of...

and i think that's about it for today. i am dying to put up the quotes i harvested from paper towns, and i think i'll do that tomorrow because i've been thinking a lot about the things john green explores in that book and maybe it'll prompt something for me to write...or maybe not...who the hell knows?
peace

short ramble

my nephews are here to stay with us for a few days, and there's still a number of things for me to get done...

i really need to start running again. it is kind of sad to barely have four miles for a month. and i definitely need to get on the treadmill, if for no other reason, than because i am at 199.1 miles for the year and with .9 miles to go to get it over 200, i find myself compelled.

i just finished paper towns, by john green. it was really, really good. john green is an awesome writer...he pulls from works he's read that have changed who he is or how he sees the world, and he's able to incorporate them into these amazing stories that he's made up...it's all quite intricate, yet he still reveals his theme brilliantly. i really, really liked it...i mean a lot. and it's young adult fiction, just fyi.

ok, really, that's about it. snort...ok, there's more, but that's all i'm getting into for now.
peace

wow, i needed that

well, that was a beautiful holiday. the kind where i don't really remember what physical gifts i got, because there were just too many gifts of the spirit. i cannot recall the last time i was so physically exhausted, either...

we drove into our hometown on christmas eve...went to mass with my family (who aren't the catholics, for those who are counting) and then went to my cousin's house. some things about that evening... first of all, we usually go to church with my family. but, because they aren't catholic, my husband, who was raised catholic, usually insists we attend a catholic mass at some point as well. which i think is...how shall we say?...overkill. i mean two church services on christmas eve? but, my mom has had some issues with her church the last few years, so we attended my aunt's church who is, jump for joy, catholic. so we only went once this year, which i personally loved.... then we went to my cousin's house. now, this was great fun because there are lots of babies in her family and my spouse and i held them...lots...very fun. but it was awkward because my cousin's husband let us know that she, in fact, was not planning on us coming and was, perhaps, a bit overwhelmed by our large numbers. which almost made me cry. but then, when i got home, i got the letter she'd written me for christmas and decided her spouse was just having a bad day and that the whole even was good, although we will work out the details a little differently next year. (and the details on getting there this year are just a story i don't feel like repeating, but i cannot thank my friends lana and julie enough for listening to my devastated, crying, broken heart the night before i left...thank you, mamas...)

christmas day was great fun with my spouse's family. again, more babies to hold, good food to be had, funny stories to hear...we caroled at the convent (and sucked, by the way...we couldn't even remember the words to "do you hear what i hear?"...thank god most of the nuns are deaf, but not all of them, and the ones who weren't were looking at us like they could've done a better job than we were doing...and they probably could've, but we had two flutes, a guitar, and a violin playing, and those guys didn't need the words...it probably would've sounded better if we would've just shut up and let it be instrumentals with lots of roadies or something...oh well, hindsight and all that) my spouse played a lot...like physically played...tennis, rip sticking (which is like skateboarding, but much harder, i think), running around, playing his flute....i think he needed to get his play on and it was good for him. his family likes to play more than i do, i guess. and i just had fun being a part of that family for awhile...it had been a long time. i let my guard down some, which can, in itself, (i mean the maintaining of the guard) be tiring. it was refreshing and i'm grateful for the time spent.

i also saw two movies yesterday...i haven't done that since i was a teenager. we took the kids to see despereaux and then the spouse and i went to see doubt. i really, really enjoyed both of them. but i also thought doubt was kind of brilliant. it made up for the lack of good church lately for me. i think it made my spouse kind of tense and then he just decided not to talk about it.

so i've enjoyed the holidays. it was kind of a negative build up, and perhaps anything would've been fantastic after that, but whatever the reasons, the holidays were great. i look forward to things returning to their pattern of normalcy, whenever and whatever that may be. but things are good here...
peace

holiday message

or the best i can do right now anyway...

when i was a kid, i really loved untangling my mother's necklaces. the more snarled, the better. it sooooooothed me. srsly. i think it gave me hope each time i pulled this ball of gold into three dainty little necklaces or whatever. it may have also given me the unreal expectation that with enough time and tenderness and patience, everything could be unsnarled into its whole, if not a little crimped up. maybe the expectation isn't completely unreal...but maybe not everything is meant to be unsnarled at once...i truly don't know right now.

i try not to be unreal in my expectations. i try to be tough. i can laugh with the best of them. like at church the other day...i mean, i don't know about you, but i go to church for a little light...or at least some directions to the switch, you know? but the priest at this church...he needs medication, i think. and, not that this means i'm right, but i'm not the only person who thinks this...and some of the folks who also think this...they're doctors. not that that means anything, i'm just saying... so church was a drag. depressing, really. this guy will look at us and tell us some terrible headline and then say, "what is this?....." and if you wait for some answer that brings light into it...well, you have a long wait. (and i've been catholic for ten years...i'm used to waiting and let me tell you, the light, even a little...it didn't come)

but i digress. i try to be tough. laugh at myself. try not to take myself so seriously. and i fail pretty miserably. maybe it's not who i'm meant to be? maybe i'm just not trying hard enough. i don't know. maybe sometimes the damned chains just want to stay snarled. i mean, i'll admit there were times i'd get stuff straightened out and it looked pretty awful...nothing my mother would put around her neck...more like something she'd take to the pawn shop. so maybe some of the snarls in my life are just more becoming as balls of stuff that don't resemble what they originally were and really aren't meant to ever go back to that original form anyway.

ok...so i'm getting ready for christmas. i think i've wrapped all i got. it was pretty slim this year. i'm getting a lot of flack about the perversion of christmas this year. yeah, i get it...commercialism, over consumerism, bladdy blah blah. but it's also fun to use this holiday as a reason to buy people you love stuff you'd never get them otherwise. i understand the whole "obligation buying" thing...yeah, it's a pain in the ass. but finances cut a lot of that out for me this time around. and these guys are killing my buzz. i meaning killing it...dead...and i'm getting kind of tense over it. (this is understatement...i threw a huge tantrum today that included no less that fifteen "fuck"s in it...it was not a proud moment for me...but they say confession is good for the soul and wine always makes confession a little easier)

i hope everyone has a good holiday. i had a great time exchanging gifts with my cyber tribe last night. again...great fun giving and receiving. those are some wonderful people...but frankly, this world is hugely populated with wonderful people...i bet i could name a hundred right now. if you don't know one...go out and meet someone...i bet they'll fall in that category if you're patient...and maybe even if you're not.

merry christmas, happy holidays, and
peace

crash

it has been awhile since i've seen this movie...and i really want to rent it again just so i can see it again (my memory gets a little holey)...but i've been thinking about it a lot the last couple of days.


i often think of life as being circles. yeah, yeah, thanks to harry chapan somewhat, i suppose. but i can see the circles sometimes...when one completes and another starts. lately, my sense has been that life is crashing in on itself right now. i see so many circles overlapping...and i can only step back so far...my eyes are only attuned to those i know closely and share with. it's been overwhelming almost to watch all the connections between lives...the lines of dominoes, so to speak, sharing a path, breaking off on their own... the line in this trailer about people craving human contact and crashing into each other to get it...that's what i mean.

there is so much more i'd like to write about. but there is so much i need to get done before i could even feel good about sitting and blogging more. i hope to have time tonight, though...
peace

whirlwind

it was a really busy weekend. full heart, full head...that kind of thing.

my sister graduated with her bachelor's in computer science thursday night. she is thirty. we don't do the "send your child to college and they'll work on just getting their education and maybe party a little" in my family. us kids feel the need to do other stuff besides just work on our education...most of it seems pretty stupid from a distance, but it really does turn us into fairly brilliant folks...snort. no really...it's all good. but it was awesome watching her walk the stage. i was really, really proud of her.

we had a grand dinner out afterward...sushi and saki. good god, my head hurt the whole next day. but we laughed so hard, my abs were sore that night and the next day. and it wasn't even the young folks making the ruckus...it was the old ones. man, those guys are hilarious...and nasty, too. i almost clamped my hand over my father's mouth at one point...sheesh. but it heals everything at least a little when you share that much fun and joy and humor...this much i know.

then...we surprised my sister with a party last night. now, let me explain...we do not do surprises in my family. no one likes them. it makes us feel kind of stupid...like everyone else was in on a joke we were left out of. there's lies and betrayal involved in surprising someone. and i suck at lying...i mean really REALLY suck at lying. so of course, i got to spend the whole day with my sister before her party yesterday. friends calling her, acting like they're at work, in their hometowns, etc...and i'm just looking out the window lest i smile and she figure out they're lying. she had no clue. she was so surprised. she contemplated...i could see it in her eyes...whether to kill us or love us. i think it took her about a half an hour to figure out which way she was going. she opted for happiness instead of homicide. it was good...

so once i carried my exhausted ass into my own bed last night, i was delirious with all the great stuff of the previous two days. it was awesome. now, i have to admit, there were other things of the weekend to chew on...a top to my bottom, so to speak...but right now, i am happy for my sister...happy she finished her degree...happy she has such a sweet girlfriend...happy she's had so many supporting her and loving her...and happy she decided not to kill us last night.
peace

it's the wine talking

so, i went to a christmas party for dh's work, department, whatever. sat at the end of the table with and older doc (who turned out to be the chairman of the department) and his wife and got morbidly intense over education, poverty, politics, and entitlement. but dh says no worries because the chairman has no sense of humor, is always morbidly intense, so i guess it wasn't just me! woo!

i was pretty pissed about tonight, though. dh had mentioned it a couple of times and had talked about putting it on my calendar, but, uh, well, never did. so when he called after work today (and after this thing had already started) to ask if i remembered, i was a little put out. but i sucked it up, vented to my cyber tribe (which always has the BEST STUFF to say, i have to tell you), and put on some make up and went. oh, and it was a wine tasting christmas thing, so that helped... now i'm home and waiting for ten o'clock to roll around...

but i wanted to put this mandela quote out here...

Only free men can negotiate; prisoners cannot enter into contracts. Your freedom and mine cannot be separated.

i think the dalai lama would be quite pleased with this statement. maybe mandela was a little buddhist, too? i think sometimes i get confused about the idea of dependence arising because i always think "dependent on what?" as though it would be dependent on some alien thing completely different from me or anything i could imagine. but this quote made me think about the inter-relatedness of things...which i am not sure if this is the same as dependence arising, but it sounds similar and that's what sparked my thoughts tonight. and i really loved the quote, too.

yes corey...i often think too much. i cannot tell you how much i loved you saying that today...dh was floored by how well you know me.

peace friends