one more thing

i think i posted a link to a really cool harry potter song on this website called brotherhood 2.0. well, the friend who sent me the link to the video (one very cool mama) left me a message recommending i go listen to the july 27th entry on the website. and because she is right, and it is brilliant, i thought i'd post another link...

http://brotherhood2.com/ remember, july 27th. i will have to visit that site next time i have a few minutes...

peace

guest blogger...hehe

so, here's something a friend sent that i thought was beautiful and asked if i could put here. she said yes!!! enjoy...

JMJ

Okay I am not sure how this is related to my guys over there or if it even is but here's a story.

Sunday I am sitting in Mass--late and alone, woohoo no one to tell to not wipe boogers on your brother to--kiddos and dad went to early--anyway this lady sitting in front of me is glaring at this other woman to my right who is coughing...yeah yeah she should get up and leave...honestly she is surrounded by very large relatives on either side and getting out would be as mortifying as sitting there and trying to get her cough under control which by her purple face and bulging eyes I am thinking she is trying to do...

anyway...if you know don't know anything about Catholic Mass we have opening prayers, a first reading, psalms, second reading and then we read from the Gospel...all an all about 25 minutes for the first half of Mass. THE WHOLE TIME this mean lady is shooting filthy looks at this intermittently coughing lady. Normally, if you are going to get up at our church you try to wait through the Gospel and I am certain this is what this little Hispanic lady was trying to do--well-- okay-- I am pretty sure the first thing she was actually trying to do was will the floor to open up and swallow her whole, but no luck.

Anyway--mean lady glares, cough lady coughs and I get madder and madder. I'm staring at the crucifix hanging 50 feet ahead and 15 feet over mean lady's head and I'm actually looking to see if by some freak of nature or a sudden and overwhelming need for God to make an example of someone that Jesus will lift his head right there and let mean lady have it. Yeah yeah figuratively people figuratively--I'm Catholic not crazy....anyway so she goes for her 756 shot at cough lady and before I have actually finished my silent imploration to God, my mouth opens up and I hear, "Look, you have to stop giving that woman such mean looks" come flying out of my mouth.

Initially, the look on mean lady's face was a smile as though I was commiserating with her...then it shifted when my words hit her eardrums and she flung around and lifted a shoulder up in cough lady's direction. I was HOT. HOT! I tell you. What the hell? What is WRONG with people. WHY WHY WHY are we so hateful and unkind? What is the purpose? Why do people sleepwalk through their life and fail to show mercy when so much is shown to us by others?

Okay so then I look up and see our priest giving the same hateful look. I was floored. Floored I mean on his best day this guy has the personality of a speed bump, but he is minutes away from consecrating bread and wine and his only thought is to show disapproval? I left. I just got up walked the center aisle of the Church and walked home. I didn't even wait for my ride.

Yes, cough lady was having a hard time, maybe she could have got up, but by the look on her face and her timid nature in general I think she was rooted. Someone in that Church had to have a freaking cough drop. Monsignor could have had an acolyte go tot he sacristy and bring her a cup of water for goodness sake. I did look for one in the narthex, or lobby of the church, but there wasn't anything to put water into...anyway...I left. I considered walking back up and going to the sacristy and getting some there but I wondered about my own motives and I was seriously angry and didn't trust myself to go back in there and look at that man's face and not say the same thing to him...so I left, walked home and it started to rain. I was hot and sweaty walking and it started to rain. I looked up, thanked God and started to laugh.

Hope

upward and onward

so, what today? church issues? people issues? the whole blog concept issues? decisions, decisions...

i got cut off pretty abruptly with my church issues last time. i just feel like when people tell me Jesus died for MY sins, they're trying to guilt me into complying with whatever THEY think i need to be doing to show i appreciate it. i think Jesus' death and his resurrection, whether bodily or spiritually, is powerful. but i, at least at this point in my life, find much more power in his life. the way he lived. and the way he confronted death. he was so human and he was so holy at the same time.

last night i had this strange thought or these strange thoughts, or whatever. i was taking my dogs outside for their last hurrah before bed and i started thinking about the neighbors behind me that i don't know. i started thinking along the lines of the movie "kiss the girls" i think. seen it? killer watches unsuspecting victims behavior until he knows more about them than their mothers and then just takes them. (yeah, really complex movie, huh? it was good, seriously) anyway, so i take the girls out every night around the same time. and it would be weird if something happened to me... so i'm getting ooked out.

well, in bed later, i'm thinking about when stuff like this happens. how we all tell the stories to scare each other into being more careful (as if one is supposed to anticipate the actions of a psycho) and whatnot... and i thought, well, what if each woman in these stories, if they're even true, confronted death like Jesus...even just a little. and all we tell are these stories of fear and cruelty and horror. i mean, there was plenty of that when Jesus died. the story could very well go, "and then my nephew, Jesus, he was put to death by the stupid government. it was so awful, he was such a good boy. but the bastards killed him, put him on a cross. stabbed him. he cried and got a little loopy at the end. his mom was sooo sad. bastards." and the end. we could focus on government corruption, fear, anger, cruelty...it's all there. but that's not the message of the story. and i just can't help but wonder if these women who have all these stories of being overpowered by men are leaving a bigger legacy that we're just ignoring. i don't know. maybe i'm just talking shit...it WAS late when i was having this particular line of thought. but it just makes me sad to think of death as senseless. if i die, somebody better find something fucking sensible to say..."she fought for her family. she loved them ferociously. she wanted her family to love everyone the way she loved them. and don't be afraid or angry now that she's dead. just fucking remember what she taught you." you know...something like that... i don't know....

blogging...what is this? it's like a journal. i sure put some personal stuff here. but there is some stuff too personal for here. i'm not even sure what to think of it, other than it's easier to do this when i'm already checking email, and i don't have to go find my real journal and a pen. i will continue to think about this...

peace

church talk

sooo, i have a few issues with our new church. first of all, they are the nicest, friendliest people i've ever seen convened at one location. and so some of this will feel strange saying and some of it will just be me trying to figure out the story of Jesus and how it is interpretted...

first of all, the music is not so good. ok, it's really kind of terrible. it's like the people singing in the choir don't know the tune to the song...so the whole congregation sings off tune. it's weird. whenever there's a song i think i know, i'm never sure, because the words seem right, but they're just singing it so differently.... and they also sing extremely slowly, which is just strange to me, because really, the only thing more awful than a song being sung terribly is a song being sung terribly just a little slower...and a little longer...

but i guess mostly, i just feel like i'm at a protestant church. part of it is the music...i really liked the music when i went catholic. but there's just been a lot of focus on Jesus dying for my sins at this church. and i guess that just seems out of place to me. (but maybe it's not, i just have to work it around a bit...) Jesus died for the sins in everyone...the sins of greed, of selfishness, of hate, of rage....he died because good always outlasts, wins, trumps, triumphs, lives on. because it is the true tie that binds us and keeps us alive.

more later
peace

holy moly, racamoni

we are such a diverse and varied people...and our egos just really mess it all up. ok, just kidding. our egos just add another dimension to our diversity and variety. (another big, huge dimension)

yesterday was an emotional day. not that that's a bad thing. i had another blog entry started a few days ago about how i find myself focused on good, or positive, or even attractive things. let me explain... i think a lot while i'm driving. when i was focusing a few years back on the God in everyone, i would look at people on the road, in their cars, and think, "that's God. that person has God in them, and that person...and that one that just honked at me and flipped me off has God in them, too." so yesterday, i was driving and thinking about how when i see people laughing in a car, i want to smile. when i see people fighting in a car, i want them to stop. but that i need to work to retrain myself to be okay with the natural progress of things and the fact that fighting isn't always bad or to be avoided or even to be ended. hence, the attraction to good, positive, attractive, but the missing of the value of bad, negative, or unattractive moments. (and those adjectives are all qualified and quantified based on my perspective, so it's not like they're absolute) anyway....

so yesterday was emotional, but that's not a bad thing. i have some prayers for my nephew, but they're also for all of us lifting my nephew up as we also hold him in our hearts. that we're all searching to find the truth in us and have the courage to make it the truth of our lives. that we have the strength to believe we are capable of good and try to do it. that we have the faith in each other to raise each other up. that we rise on our own, and not on each other's backs. that we treat each other the way Jesus treated people.

mostly, i just want my nephew to have faith in his ability to make a good choice. i think he gets so defeated that he doesn't want to try. he's tired of failing, so he fails in his own way and he's not surprised when people are disappointed with him. but i know he wants to do things differently. i feel that. and i just pray that he finds his faith and his courage. i love him and i care about him and his health, his mind, his spirit. i want him to find a little peace. i wish he knew how to be quiet with himself, and alone. and i think he wishes he knew how to as well. but i don't know how to show him....

ok, consider this sent to God's inbox...
peace

world keeps turning

little check in time with myself... we're here. (bahaha, nothing like starting at the beginning) we're back to schooling. this is good. we like the area. that is very good. house is alright--got more work to do there. kids are getting along...a little too much tv, but breaking from video games for a month has been niiiice. N and i are alright. N's ok....tired, overwhelmed, one minute defeated, the next a fairly confident novice doctor...all seems fairly normal. one moment everything's a result of MY character flaws and diseased thinking, the next i am strong and hold the family together and am wonderful. (this is from his perspective...i'm not on my mental status yet here) i think this is all fairly normal. i don't know if seeking balance means we seek to rest there in the middle of it or if we're just supposed to appreciate it as we keep running from one end of the spectrum to the other?... i think we're improving on the latter, and i have no idea if we'll ever get to the first. perhaps in our sixties or seventies....

the dogs...yikes...i need to go let them in for a bit. but miss kitty brought in all the MUD last night....grrrrr the fish are happy, the bunnies are, well, they're healthy and safe. we're working on more outside time as we get our shit together a bit more...

and i, well, i am resting, working, healing, waking, stretching, sunning, bathing, basking, reading, teaching, talking, listening. it's a good feeling. kind of like being born again a bit. (only i'm already addicted to caffeine and i have to cook for everyone) my sister is coming up this weekend. i could list the many reasons this rocks, but i gave her the link to this blog and don't want to blow her head up. but i look forward to it. she is a good auntie to my children and i don't know what i enjoy more--her company or watching her in the company of my children.

oh, there were other lyrics...well, they escape me now.

but here's a link to a very good harry potter song that this young man wrote before the book was released...the kids and i are loving it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvvFiZyEyTA

peace out

cycles

we've been busy schooling around here. everyone's pretty happy about it, but we're also pretty tired... we've been talking a lot about opposites, about cycles...day and night, summer and winter...happy and sad, stuff like that. and i would say more, but my head hurts, so run wild with it.

but there are two things that have been bumping in my head lately that i thought i'd stop in here to deposit for a bit. i've been thinking about that sunday school song about the two men...one built his house on the sand and the rains came a'tumbling down. and then the house on the sand went splat. and then the other man built his house upon the rock, rinse lather repeat, but his house stayed up. i just have a loved one who's working in some serious sand and i'd like to find a way to point that out kindly....

the other thing... i was listening to the radio and heard U2...oh man, i've got to go get another one of those. anyway...it was mysterious ways and these lines were just screaming to me, heavy with meaning...relevance, really...i'll leave with them...

to touch is to heal
to hurt is to steal
if you wanna kiss the sky, better learn how to kneel
on your knees boy

peace

food

so i've been thinking about food lately... and it's not just because i just ate a bunch of crap and my "puppy" is quite full and hanging out over the top of my pants, either.

but i was visiting with this mama last night and she's on a diet. like, a diet to be thinner, to weigh less i guess is more accurate. so when she said she blew her diet, i understood her to mean that she ate too many calories. which was right. she ate mcdonald's....dude, if i'm ever on that kind of diet and i blow it, be sure it'll be cheesecake or something worthwhile. :) (as if...)

anyway, but it made me think about how, when i blow my diet, i eat a bunch of crap that has no nutritional value. how it means i ate something that made me feel like shit, regardless of how many calories. i don't care what i eat, so long as it has a value. i've begun largely to view my diet as a medicinal sort of my life... of course, the random ice cream sandwich can be valuable...calcium, my dear, calcium. but mostly i try to make it balanced and rich in textures and vitamins...shit like that. ;)

ok, that's about it,
peas

a little "therapy"

so, when you're stuck in a rut, be it emotional, psychological...nothing like a little physical activity. or what i guess we could also call "diversion therapy" for some new perspective...

saturday, the bigs and i went and saw harry potter. came home to p, c, and baby s visiting, but also....a kayak in the driveway!!! N bought us a kayak!!! woo-hoo!! so sunday, we went to ikea for some stuff (and to eat with p, c, and baby s...have i mentioned i'm in baby s's fan club?) and then took the kayak out. it was sooooo fun.

so, who's coming to ride in my kayak? (come on, you know you wanna)

so while there may still be stuff i need to go revisit and reconcile, i feel like i've at least gotten back on the forward track of life, instead of the run in circles till you lose your mind one...

so peace out

thoughtful

i just think sometimes that i think too much. but then i guess i'm not sure what to measure it against, because then at other times in my life, people say something and i think, "well, i didn't think of that." so maybe i'm not thinking enough?... or maybe i'm not thinking the right things? chuckle... (reminds me of a robert earl keen song about a bucking bronc for some reason)

i thought about this song today...

"if language were liquid it would be rushing in/instead here we are in a silence more eloquent than any word could ever be/these words are too solid, they don't move fast enough/to catch the blur in the brain that flies by and is gone"

it's by suzanne vega.

there is an issue in my life that i don't know how to resolve. ok, that's a lie. there are MANY issues in my life that i don't know how to resolve...but one in particular keeps bumping into me as though i need to do something about it. and while i tend to view anger as an emotion that just clouds something else, making it difficult to resolve anything, i'm just getting frustrated. i'm trying to hold to my ideals, but i feel like 1.) i'm being treated as though i am deep down an asshole, so why try to be anything different and 2.) i'm so seen as a jerk that no matter how much i try to be a good friend, it just won't matter. i guess i need my own adrian saying, "you can't win!!!" (even as a little girl, i felt bad for rocky that his wife would tell him that...)

another lyric...this time ten thousand maniacs...

"do i need someone here to scold me or do i need someone who'll come and pull me out of four poster, bla bla bla" it's the weather song...about depression... i don't need someone guilting me or making me feel shitty. but i don't want to be that person, either. i have no more patience for someone treating me that way than i have for being that way myself.... so where's the fucking middle road on this map?...

and i won't even speak the "dh" words... but i will take care of myself and the kiddos the best way i know how. and feel good about it. strong in it. if i can't make the rest of my world spin evenly, gently, well, i'll just keep working on the biggest part.

so peace out

(as soon as i finished this and re-read it, it became apparent to me that my feeling that someone thinks i'm an asshole is affecting, well, my thinking... shit, was that clear as mud or what? bottom line, why am i so afraid of being thought of as an asshole? and why am i fighting against it? and even freakier, can my three year old read? because he's standing here and spontaneously said, "mama, you're so nice." weeeeird.... i will come back to this later....)

weary, but satisfied...(sorta)

laughing at myself...why? because it's never enough for me...it's always "sorta" or "kinda"... never wholly...

so we made it home. it's weird when people ask how the funeral was...i say, "fine." they say, "is that all?" and i think, what more should it have been? so then i say, "well, i think we were successful. we got her in the ground." and it gets quiet... oh well...they shouldn't have asked.

we buried my dad's cousin today. and i'm not hugely a part of that family...definitely nothing even remotely close to, well, close. but my grandma loves them and they grew up alongside my dad and his sibs and that's good enough for me. we don't know each other very well, but we're part of the same tribe. well, i guess i believe we're ALL part of the same tribe, but the guys at the funeral, we're locals or something. anyway, i think it was time well spent. my brothers and sister and i went with our mom to the viewing last night...that was quite serendipitous. and then my sis and the kids and i to the funeral today. i hope my memaw and aunt velma sleep well tonight. i love them both, but they looked like hell today...

and now i'm home. and that's all i'm going to say about that. i am too tired to judge the events of my evening, so i'm going to sleep on this stuff.

so many women to raise up...you're all in my heart...
peace

writing and stuff

so, at night, when i'm falling asleep, i write stuff in my head. emails, letters, stories, blog entries... and i have to say (because there's no physical proof one way or the other) i am one hell of a writer. bahaha ok, i don't know if that's true. but i am really clear headed at night. and then i wake up and poof! not so clear. but that's not what i was thinking about last night...

last night i was thinking about writing. and how i don't do much of it physically anymore. i mean, blogging's been a good thing, but my journal...blah, i hardly pull it out anymore. (but i DO need to get it out and start using it more...some stuff's just not right for a blog and needs to be in my own writing...) anyway...(i never get sidetracked like this at night) sigh

so i was thinking about writing. how i don't physically write much anymore. started wondering did i really physically write that much before... well, i remembered in middle school, i wrote a story, a book, whatever. it was about these three other girls i was friends with and myself. total slush...i mean, stuff like i took the four cutest boys in our class and they were our boyfriends... and it was all about the eight of us... blablabla but i WROTE it...and i wrote a lot of it. i don't remember a plot or what we did...were we in high school? college? after? i really can't remember. i remember we laughed a lot and were always pretty happy. and i do recall putting lots of thought into what we wore in the big scenes--describing it. (this was the 80s, so i'll spare any details, not that i can recall them specifically...) i think i got pregnant toward the end, too. but again, i don't even remember if i was married or not. the priorities of a twelve year old...

so i let my grandmother, mimi, read this. (i don't think i had written the preggo part...) and she said it was wonderful and i should be a writer.

so why was i thinking about this in my stream of conscious, clarity before bed thoughts?... was it the foreshadowing into my life? pregnant and then married...to a man in a relationship not so specifically defined, but who i always felt pretty good with? :) or was it that i obviously was going to grow up with a killer fashion sense? (bahaha...gonna pee my pants here in a minute...) maybe it was that my mimi thought i could do anything and i miss that. i mean, N thinks i can do anything, too...just as soon as i get over these fatal character flaws of mine...hehe but mimi was different. and i just took that so for granted. i hope my kids have someone in their lives whose confidence in them they just take for granted...i hope they don't piss it away like i did. (although i'm really not sure how i did that, it just sounded very "parental" to say that).

ok, my head's hurting and my thoughts are getting muddled. i did a MUCH better job on this piece last night, and gave it a good shot today, but, well...the sunshine screws me up. haha

peace

whew

what a busy time for people as worn out as those who live here....

there is this wonderful little creek in a nearby town. as the rains have pelted texas (again, the verb choice thing) we've watched this little creek get higher, and higher, and, well, you get the picture. it's just a tiny little creek, but it's a lot of fun. but it HAS gotten higher and faster. it's just remarkable to watch a river changing its course.

so we went there yesterday. my sil just called and said, "wanna meet us?" and even though i'd been feeling crappy, and the kids had been feeling crappy, i said yes. because i figure we can rest tomorrow. WE'RE not in residency. WE don't have to be at the hospital at the butt crack of dawn. WE don't have any expectations on us but our own, and right now, they're pretty damned low. so WE went... hehe anyway... it was much, much fun. i haven't asked the kids if they noticed how the creek was different. (other than it was faster...) how the landscape has changed. it's remarkable...

i guess it just reminds me that things are always changing... and while i know the autistic side of me doesn't exactly relish this part of life, it's not a bad thing. n is changing quite a bit. he's almost as tall as i am. sheesh, you can't help but pray for mutual respect when your child is as big as you. and it's too late to establish it then. or it seems so. but again, things always change...maybe my opinion on this will too. maybe i'll wake up tomorrow and be anne lamott...

oh! reminds me of a great magnet i saw the other day... "i'm not feeling myself today. maybe i'm you"

and with that,
peace

it's been kind of thick lately

so i've been kind of bitchy lately... my head's been hurting so much. and my family, well, enough of them are showing some sort of symptoms that i think there might be a virus or something we're passing around. which is a bit of a relief, because i was a little afraid i was just turning into an asshole permanently...but, it was just the dreaded "asshole virus" or something.

my dad's cousin died, too. i talked to my mom last night and she told me. so i didn't call anyone else, because that was TWO people in one day i'd heard about dying, and i just had to break the cycle. but it's pretty damned sad, because that means my aunt velma has lost her husband, both sons, and now her daughter. my grandma is beside herself with sadness for her sister (who is my aunt velma...i guess my great aunt velma...). anyway, my grandma must've sounded bad because my dad went to stay with her and he's just not usually that kind of guy... lifting the whole lot of them up...

ok, well, i better take my sleepy, worn out self to bed. oh, real quick. we bought the littles some bikes today...it was so sweet. watching all of the guys ride their bikes in the culdesac. i'll have to learn how to post some pictures.

peace out

the circle of life, and other shit like that

so, i've been in this house for what? three weeks? and after the first week, one neighbor sent their high school kiddos over with some brownies. then, another week later, this sweet little old lady shows up with oatmeal raisin cookies. she has coffee with us and tells us these really charming stories, fills us in on the "scoop" for the rest of the neighbors, tells me what a wonderfully charming husband i have, etc... tells my husband how beautiful his wife's eyes are. well, guess what? she died. last week, she went to a dealership for her car and missed a step and hit her head. she was fine, but thirty minutes later, she died. something about a med she was taking because of the heart halter she'd just had put on the morning she came here for coffee... it's wild. and N doesn't even know because he's at work, pulling his first night on call...

i'm a little stunned. i really liked that woman. i wanted her to tell me more stories. i wanted to learn more stuff from her... i thought i had forever, just like i always think i have forever. sigh...

today a friend of mine came over. a friend from where we just moved from. a friend from what we'll call "the med school era"... (cracking myself up) she brought her four children, who were really close and good friends of my four guys, and one extra. it was a really nice afternoon. the kids had a blast. and it was a little slow, hanging as mamas...we worked a jigsaw puzzle, for chrissakes! but it was lovely. i think it'll be awkward, because she straddles a sort of schism, i guess. and i don't know how to put it back together, but i am so grateful she's still willing to show up with me. so damned grateful.

ok, time to open a bottle of wine and pray my children will go to bed...
peace

left foot, right foot....

just trudging along...funny. the verb you use in that sentence is really important... am i rambling? cruising? bumping? shuffling?... i don't even know...

my house is trying to fall asleep. this has been hard lately and it has been wearing kind of thinly on me. they all go to sleep soooo late. and with N back at the grind, he's up early and asleep early, so it's kind of lonely around here. but i will learn to hang with myself. i just haven't even felt like reading lately, but i borrowed maya angelou--something about "getting merry like christmas"--how can that be anything but a good read?

i am so tired!!! what is the deal?!?!.... and i keep forgetting to feed my poor dogs their breakfast. so they've been getting bigger dinner...sheesh...this is just sad. maybe i should stop while i'm ahead...i'll try again tomorrow.

peas

same old, same old

you can put her in a new house and a new town, but she's still the same girl...

today has been a rough day. i am so very tired...

i mowed my grass yesterday. just the front. but i probably spent half an hour mowing my self propelled mower without the auto drive. (just because i forgot....i am not into challenging myself on purpose yet) it really wore me out...and i felt like an idiot.

my period is here and i am flowing like a river. it is disgusting and it hurts.

i whacked the bridge of my nose into the littles' desk as i hoisted myself out of e's trundle tonight...

tomorrow is N's birthday and i am going to make a carrot cake. which i think will be good tomorrow. but tonight i feel like an overzealous idiot. (again, that word..)

i am emotional and my nephew is wearing me thin. i want to do the right thing for the most people, but he has offered up information that i am just unsure of what to do with... but i went to church today and i will pray on this new issue...

and the voices of judgment are loud in my head, but i think that is mostly fatigue. so i will go to bed.

N's first day of residency went well. he has his long coat to wear tomorrow for his first full day, and i will go to the grocery first thing tomorrow to try to help today go a little better.

peace and lights out