Tuesday, July 10, 2007

writing and stuff

so, at night, when i'm falling asleep, i write stuff in my head. emails, letters, stories, blog entries... and i have to say (because there's no physical proof one way or the other) i am one hell of a writer. bahaha ok, i don't know if that's true. but i am really clear headed at night. and then i wake up and poof! not so clear. but that's not what i was thinking about last night...

last night i was thinking about writing. and how i don't do much of it physically anymore. i mean, blogging's been a good thing, but my journal...blah, i hardly pull it out anymore. (but i DO need to get it out and start using it more...some stuff's just not right for a blog and needs to be in my own writing...) anyway...(i never get sidetracked like this at night) sigh

so i was thinking about writing. how i don't physically write much anymore. started wondering did i really physically write that much before... well, i remembered in middle school, i wrote a story, a book, whatever. it was about these three other girls i was friends with and myself. total slush...i mean, stuff like i took the four cutest boys in our class and they were our boyfriends... and it was all about the eight of us... blablabla but i WROTE it...and i wrote a lot of it. i don't remember a plot or what we did...were we in high school? college? after? i really can't remember. i remember we laughed a lot and were always pretty happy. and i do recall putting lots of thought into what we wore in the big scenes--describing it. (this was the 80s, so i'll spare any details, not that i can recall them specifically...) i think i got pregnant toward the end, too. but again, i don't even remember if i was married or not. the priorities of a twelve year old...

so i let my grandmother, mimi, read this. (i don't think i had written the preggo part...) and she said it was wonderful and i should be a writer.

so why was i thinking about this in my stream of conscious, clarity before bed thoughts?... was it the foreshadowing into my life? pregnant and then married...to a man in a relationship not so specifically defined, but who i always felt pretty good with? :) or was it that i obviously was going to grow up with a killer fashion sense? (bahaha...gonna pee my pants here in a minute...) maybe it was that my mimi thought i could do anything and i miss that. i mean, N thinks i can do anything, too...just as soon as i get over these fatal character flaws of mine...hehe but mimi was different. and i just took that so for granted. i hope my kids have someone in their lives whose confidence in them they just take for granted...i hope they don't piss it away like i did. (although i'm really not sure how i did that, it just sounded very "parental" to say that).

ok, my head's hurting and my thoughts are getting muddled. i did a MUCH better job on this piece last night, and gave it a good shot today, but, well...the sunshine screws me up. haha


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