Saturday, February 23, 2008

beautiful

so i'll be gone for a little while. it's time for us to do our part in the family healing circle of support, and the hospital says it's easier for N to do his part starting tomorrow (translation: it's easier for them to cover his absence starting tomorrow and not later). which is fine. i'm amazed by and grateful to the hospital and its support of my spouse during this time of family emergency.

and we homeschool, which is another good thing, because that allows us to travel together without disrupting our lives.......well, with minimal disruption.

i am worried about our dogs, but since we live in the same town as family for the first time in four years and that family lives less than five minutes away, i'm sure the dogs will be alright, too.

and i rescheduled my the-rapist appointment, which was a little hard to do, but that'll be fine, too. i'll see her soon after my return, i'm sure...

i feel kind of like a baby because i am stressed and feel overwhelmed by all of this. and somewhere in my head, i think that's selfish of me. that this isn't about ME, it's about my FIL and my HUSBAND....and everyone else but me. and i think that's where i go wrong. because i act as though my needs and feelings don't matter and i ignore them. and well, that pisses me off. so last night, i tended myself. i let my thoughts register as complete sentences, i didn't cut myself off or tell myself what i "should" do or "should" feel. i told myself it was ok to feel overwhelmed and stressed out. and to act in ways that were sensitive to that. i don't have to do everything for everyone else right away. i can take my time, thus ensuring something gets done with perhaps enough sanity left over to do a little more...rather than burning it all up doing one thing quickly and all the mind jabber and stress that comes with it.

i like meditative breathing. it's not about exerting control over myself...it's about surrendering to the natural rhythm of things....trusting my body, trusting my universe. i still have a long way to go...and frankly, i HOPE it's a long way to go....i don't want to be done too soon...but there is a lot of light on this path, if i can just stay on it.

my husband said last night that he just hopes his dad is able to live out whatever life he has left happily. he said he didn't care about trying to make him stay for a long time, he just wanted him to be happy for however long it was. i thought that was beautiful. but i honestly have to say, that by the look on my fil's face over the last five years, i think he's already there. and that fills me with giddiness for some reason. like wow, he was happy, had a heart attack, and still gets a little longer. i hear so much about the cruelty of the universe at times...but that seems pretty damned generous to me. sign me up! oh wait...i think i already am...

these thoughts are so rambling...my mind is just like that right now. i am grateful for the people who've been supporting me and my family through, well, through life. last night i talked to a good friend while my jesus candles were burning, faith music was playing, i was wearing my bracelets and necklaces with stones from different mama friends, different places i've been. i have this whole shrine of the world and it's goodness that i build around me, on me, hopefully in me. it all seems so silly at times. but last night, i felt so securely anchored by the love and wisdom that i've come into contact with, that i knew there was nothing silly about it. and if a tornado came and blew it all away tomorrow (which would fucking suck because i wouldn't be here but that's another deal), i know there's enough in the universe to replace it. beautiful...

peace

3 comments:

Anna said...

(((HUGS))) to you...

LanaTron said...

Yes, you have to not neglect your own feelings about what's going on with your FIL. You have an important relationship with him, mama, and he is important in your life, even if you don't have contact every day.

And you are one of the least selfish people I've ever met, so just ban that thought from your mind!

*Jess* said...

My thoughts are with you and your husband's family at this difficult time. I am so glad you all are able to be with him right now.