Tuesday, July 22, 2008

hunger for the light

when i left for vacation, i think i mentioned our departure time was scheduled for three thirty in the morning... unGODly early in my book. and we made it out on time, too. i put my sleeping kids in my loaded car and i was on my way, coffee in my thermos, cds in the console (i'll post later about the fun of driving music).
and i drove

and i drove and i drove through all these little towns. there were hardly any lights much less anything as significant as a street light. but i wasn't really thinking about the lack of light. mostly i was just navigating and trying to pour more coffee without spilling it and change the cds without driving off the road...you know, important stuff like that with four little ones in your car. (yeah, i know, they're not all so little anymore...humor me)

but when i could see the light beginning to break through in the sky, i cannot even explain how excited i got...how full of anticipation and relief and impatience and so many high energy things i was. those two and half hours before day broke were like driving into eternal night...i don't even think the moon was out. it was kind of oppressive, only i don't think i felt that until i saw the day beginning to break. it was a different feeling for sure because i am not a sunrise kind of woman. i am a sunset and moonrise kind of woman. i don't really do early...

anyway, the feeling was so intense and the sensation of being so almost desperately relieved that the day was here so overwhelming that i gave up a few minutes, because i was making kick ass time, to snap a picture of my moment of salvation as it was...

for what it's worth, it's also how i feel now that i'm home. like i found some light while i was gone that i didn't know i was missing or lacking...but now it's dawning and, again, i feel gratitude. not quite desperately relieved, but definitely relief. but then i guess that's just how life goes. i used to think i'd finally one day figure out that thing and that would be it...i'd be there...done. but like annie says, there's always another circle of light to step into...or another sunrise to be delivered by.


JO said...

I'm just happy reading this. Hugs, babe.

Anonymous said...

i'm glad u found some peace, mama.

Ken said...

Your post reminded me of the lyrics of my favorite Bruce Cockburn song, "Birmingham Shadows"
This is a brilliantly written song about his meeting Ani Defranco. Indigo girls are good but this guy has been writing poetry alot longer...

"Got a head full of horrors and a heart full of night
At home in the darkness, but hungry for dawn
I only remember scenes, never the stories I live
The good things about that is, it's easy to forgive
Can't make assumptions about any of this
We're nomads following our own songlines
Who knows what could strike before we meet again?
But if I fall down and die
Without saying goodbye
I give you this: you'll have lost a friend"

earthmama said...

i really like those last three lines, ken. i just came across the bruce cockburn cd you and j made for me. maybe i should go put it in....