dependence

so i turned a corner in my surrender struggle....'cause i've been struggling a little lately. it was a head talk victory. "surrender" was sometimes a weird word for me because it made it sound like i was losing a fight...and like i had to give up or else i don't know...be captured or killed or something. and while things are certainly a struggle sometimes, and there's nothing wrong with turning to god at those times, it just didn't seem like that should be the norm for resting in spirituality...at times of defeat or fear. but maybe that's just me...

then this book i read talked about how we struggle because we believe we are independent, able to make ourselves holy and survive completely by our own hand. that by living this way, we essentially deny our dependence on god. (i do want to say here that if you've been turned off of god by some religion established here on earth by us humans, feel free to insert whatever you believe to be the-true-core-goodness-that-makes-the-world-go-round-and-unites-us for god...because while i believe humans can be a little picky on this...i just don't think god is...but, again, maybe that's just me...)

i've read a few books that talk about religion needing to put itself on par or above god to keep its followers dependent on religion in order to perpetuate itself. how religion hands people rules for what is right and what is wrong, focusing them on being right, making them fearful of making mistakes or being wrong, and basically denying them the opportunity to gain their own wisdom in right and wrong...wisdom that results from experiences, mistakes included, resulting in their dependence on religion...but not god. or at least not directly, i guess.

and then last night, during an argument with my husband, and after a week of meditating on my own dependence, i realized how fear will cause me to shut myself off from everything...even god...on whom i am dependent. and that it is pretty scary when i see myself as alone. at least that's as far as i got last night before i fell asleep.

during today's workout, i wanted to listen to some god music, and all i found was jesus christ superstar. but i couldn't find the original. i could only find the resurrection, which is a version done by some artists in georgia with amy ray as jesus and emily saliers as mary magdalen. it made me smile the first time i heard amy's voice as jesus...and i smiled again today when i put it on.

i love every song in that musical. i used to listen to it when i'd get home from school my freshman year of high school. i would belt out mary singing "i don't know how to love him" with no one else at home. but that's not the song that touched me today...well, it did a little...but in a wry, ironic kind of way that doesn't really add to my thoughts on dependence. today it was "the last supper" and "gethsemane." the videos are kind of long, but if you're interested, they're from the original movie done in the seventies...bunch of crazy hippies running around, singing jesus songs...kind of sorry i missed it.

the last supper has always struck me, even when i was a high schooler at my first performance of jcs, that the disciples think, in this song, that they've arrived...they're priding themselves on their good works in a way i really can relate to...and no, i'm not ashamed to say that. but they have no idea what is to come. and then the interchange between jesus and judas...when i sing both of these parts, it reminds me of some of the arguments i've had with myself in my own head...only, not over betraying myself for blood money, you know.

and gethsemane...man...there's just nothing to say about gethsemane. it is comforting in a way to see jesus' humanity wrestle with his spirit...sad, humbling, inspiring, more, less, all of that, none of that, more than that...

it is hard to find words about how this makes me feel. but sometimes it seems too many words have been used to describe this part of life...this part of humanity...this part of our nature. and words seem to put us too much in our heads...and not enough in the rest of ourselves. they also give us the sense of having captured something that we are meant to walk alongside...grow and change with...not define and toss aside. i struggle with this a lot. meditation, while i know it is key, can be so hard because it seems so unproductive. but i believe it is probably the best place to meet what i am dependent on.
peace

wow

i often have mixed feelings about our ability in the present to know things about those in the past. reading letters sent between people can be really informative about that time in history...but it also feels kind of invasive. and with technological advances allowing us to delve even further, i just wonder sometimes how those whose lives we're delving into would feel about it.

but i love vincent van gogh, and this story made me ponder those feelings again. it is such a beautiful portrait...

peace

choosing

there's this quote from the shack that i want to share...it touches me in a kind of soggy, hazy place...lots of things that can and probably will trip me up there...but not an altogether bad place either.

"I already told you that forgiveness does not create a relationship. Unless people speak the truth about what they have done and change their mind and behavior, a relationship of trust is not possible. When you forgive someone you certainly release them from judgment, but without true change, no real relationship can be established."

ok, i needed to put that there so i could find it more easily...it took me forever to figure out which dog-eared page had the quote about trust i was looking for.

now, i am always being told we can choose happiness. and while i've rested some in that soggy place this morning (and quite a bit lately), i am going to make a choice today to let my heart be light. it came to me when i looked at my kids watching this winnie the pooh movie we rented. seems it doesn't matter how old you are, watching winnie the pooh makes your face look about four years old. it made me remember when my second born fell in love with the song from the heffalump movie a little over a year ago, when he was nine years old. he loved that song so much that he holed up in his closet with the portable dvd player so he could play the song over and over and write the words down, they were that important to him...meant that much.

and here's one last quote i wanted to include, that goes along with the choosing happiness for me today...

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.
--Frederick Buechner, Telling the Truth

i love that quote. something they also say in the shack, that i'm sure has been said before...

if anything matters, everything matters.

see that light starting to shine? feel it?
peace

just feeling a little reflective

when we moved to houston for my spouse to start med school, i was 33 weeks preggo with my youngest. here's a picture of the kids the first mother's day we lived there, which was may of 2004...
my goodness, they're such babies... i forget they were that little. really...i do.

then, this past year, my cyber mama tribe asked me to send an updated picture of my guys, so my friend julie took this picture on her camera phone, which would've been sometime around november (i think?) of this past year, our first year in this house...
so even though this picture is three and a half years after the last one...i still am a little tearful over how much they've changed from the kiddos in this picture. i mean, it's not as dramatic as the first, but it's still there.

i don't really have anywhere else i'm going with this...just wanted to post the pics so i could look at them.
peace

good byes

my grandmother buried her sister today. well, she didn't exactly dig the hole or anything, but she went through all the rituals, ceremonies, services, and hymns. i've never seen her cry like that before. i'm sure she cried hard when my grandfather died thirty-four years ago, but since that was, like, a few months after i was born...i don't really remember it.

my grandmother is eighty-five years old. and she is quite spry for an eighty-five year old, let me tell you. her sister was eighty-eight and not really as spry, but still very stern and german and tough, which my grandmother is, too. they used to speak german to each other...we could never tell if it was habit or because they were saying great interesting things they didn't want us to hear. whichever it was, she never taught us any german.

anyway...we said good bye to my great aunt today. (and the minister that spoke at her services...i don't know what was up with him...but he pretty much shut the door on my aunt velma today...no living in the memories and hearts of those who loved her, no living legacy of her love shared...nothing...just the pain of good bye and trust in the lord to take her home...but then we prayed that jesus would recognize her as one of his lambs and, i mean really, how much can you trust a deity that you have to ask to recognize one of his children?...i don't know....it was really kind of weird but different strokes, different folks, etc, i suppose...) i told my grandmother i loved her. and even though i'm rarely around her, i really do. i didn't know her sister very well, to be honest. but i ached deeply for her loss as i felt my grandmother tremble at it. and i admit, i was glad my own sister was there to share the experience.

i was going to add some more quotes from the book i was reading. i finished it last night. but i can do that tomorrow. tonight is also my spouse and my anniversary. with the way things have been lately, it'd been kind of easy to just let it go...but i'm smarter than that. we won't do anything huge, but we will share it and at the least be aware. at the least...sometimes that's the biggest thing lacking...awareness. but i'm working on it.
peace

lots of influences

reading, music, paintings, conversations, the world, whatnot. all raining, drizzling, sometimes pouring into my being and changing me, filling me, making me someone different, even if just a little, every moment, it seems.

here are some words from a book i'm reading right now called the shack, by william young.

I suppose that since most of our hurts come through relationships so will our healing, and I know that grace rarely makes sense for those looking in from the outside.

You don't play a game or color a picture with a child to show your superiority. Rather, you choose to limit yourself so as to facilitate and honor that relationship. You will even lose a competition to accomplish love. It is not about winning and losing, but about love and respect.

"It's one reason why experiencing true relationship is so difficult for you, " Jesus added. "Once you have a hierarchy you need rules to protect and administer it, and then you need law and the enforcement of the rules, and you end up with some kind of chain of command or a system of order that destroys relationship rather than promotes it. You rarely see or experience relationship apart from power."

"Then it is you who determines good and evil. You become the judge. And to make things more confusing, that which you determine to be good will change over time and circumstance. And then beyond that and even worse, there are billions of you each determining what is good and what is evil. So when your good and evil clashes with your neighbor's, fights and arguments ensue and even wars break out."

these words make me think a lot about my spirituality (obviously), and how i live it. my understanding of my life and the lives of others...some close to me...like, maybe some that i married....you know, those guys....a little. it also makes me reconsider my worldview and my philosophy...ideals...junk like that. i picked this book up on a whim, really. and it says a lot. so much, i'm not playing with everything it's putting out there...just too many toys. but i am glad i picked it up.

then i heard this song today. i've heard it lots and can't explain why today it touched me, but it really did. it's been a rough week being married, i guess...but there was something that felt like acceptance in this song that i was feeling a bit of healing from...a place to plant my feet for a little while...weird, i know, but i'm trusting myself here...(this last part was kind of forced, in case you didn't feel it...)


i think that's about all the influences i can handle writing about right now. i do have life to live and whatnot... oh! but i am starting dr. andrew weil's eight weeks to optimum health today.

(geez, if there was ever a time we could all use a little more health...)

so i'm off to buy some broccoli, some salmon, and some vitamin c...oh, and some fresh flowers...i'm supposed to get myself some fresh flowers, too...
peace

ps--i just watched the sheryl crowe video again...i might just be liking the dress and high heals with the electric guitar and strings section behind her...i don't know...i guess it really doesn't matter in the long run...snort. peas

funny

lots of things in life are funny. some make you laugh out loud, like eddie izzard or david sedaris (right julie?...hehe). some make you laugh inside...in a place you can't exactly reach, but it's laughing nonetheless. and some make you laugh even though it isn't funny...a sour, not so great part of you laughs because what happens isn't funny...yet that part laughs because, well, it's sour...and not so great, you know?

this weekend had all those kinds of funny. and maybe a few more.

--i had such a good time looking at paintings done two centuries ago. i had an even better time watching my kids enjoying it way more than they thought they would.

--i did not enjoy putting my friend carol's number into my cell phone and then leaving my cell phone at home where, you know, i COULDN'T call her...

--i enjoyed eating lebanese food, meeting my friend's soon-to-be-in-laws (who were wonderful), and visiting with friends.

--i did not so much enjoy the interactions with my spouse this weekend...

--i enjoyed chatting with a friend online, and crying as she said kind things that, because i am so visual, touched me in ways spoken words never could...(it was a good kind of crying, i promise)

i guess i just have a well-rounded, funny kind of life.

i get to attend a funeral tuesday...woo-hoo. i'm feeling kind of like a funeral whore this summer...i dunno.

peace

ps--speaking of funny...here's a robert earl keen song i really like. it's called the buckin' song, and there's a video of him singing it on you tube, but you can't really hear the words, and frankly, the words are what make it funny. so here's a video of someone doing a cover...