dependence

so i turned a corner in my surrender struggle....'cause i've been struggling a little lately. it was a head talk victory. "surrender" was sometimes a weird word for me because it made it sound like i was losing a fight...and like i had to give up or else i don't know...be captured or killed or something. and while things are certainly a struggle sometimes, and there's nothing wrong with turning to god at those times, it just didn't seem like that should be the norm for resting in spirituality...at times of defeat or fear. but maybe that's just me...

then this book i read talked about how we struggle because we believe we are independent, able to make ourselves holy and survive completely by our own hand. that by living this way, we essentially deny our dependence on god. (i do want to say here that if you've been turned off of god by some religion established here on earth by us humans, feel free to insert whatever you believe to be the-true-core-goodness-that-makes-the-world-go-round-and-unites-us for god...because while i believe humans can be a little picky on this...i just don't think god is...but, again, maybe that's just me...)

i've read a few books that talk about religion needing to put itself on par or above god to keep its followers dependent on religion in order to perpetuate itself. how religion hands people rules for what is right and what is wrong, focusing them on being right, making them fearful of making mistakes or being wrong, and basically denying them the opportunity to gain their own wisdom in right and wrong...wisdom that results from experiences, mistakes included, resulting in their dependence on religion...but not god. or at least not directly, i guess.

and then last night, during an argument with my husband, and after a week of meditating on my own dependence, i realized how fear will cause me to shut myself off from everything...even god...on whom i am dependent. and that it is pretty scary when i see myself as alone. at least that's as far as i got last night before i fell asleep.

during today's workout, i wanted to listen to some god music, and all i found was jesus christ superstar. but i couldn't find the original. i could only find the resurrection, which is a version done by some artists in georgia with amy ray as jesus and emily saliers as mary magdalen. it made me smile the first time i heard amy's voice as jesus...and i smiled again today when i put it on.

i love every song in that musical. i used to listen to it when i'd get home from school my freshman year of high school. i would belt out mary singing "i don't know how to love him" with no one else at home. but that's not the song that touched me today...well, it did a little...but in a wry, ironic kind of way that doesn't really add to my thoughts on dependence. today it was "the last supper" and "gethsemane." the videos are kind of long, but if you're interested, they're from the original movie done in the seventies...bunch of crazy hippies running around, singing jesus songs...kind of sorry i missed it.

the last supper has always struck me, even when i was a high schooler at my first performance of jcs, that the disciples think, in this song, that they've arrived...they're priding themselves on their good works in a way i really can relate to...and no, i'm not ashamed to say that. but they have no idea what is to come. and then the interchange between jesus and judas...when i sing both of these parts, it reminds me of some of the arguments i've had with myself in my own head...only, not over betraying myself for blood money, you know.

and gethsemane...man...there's just nothing to say about gethsemane. it is comforting in a way to see jesus' humanity wrestle with his spirit...sad, humbling, inspiring, more, less, all of that, none of that, more than that...

it is hard to find words about how this makes me feel. but sometimes it seems too many words have been used to describe this part of life...this part of humanity...this part of our nature. and words seem to put us too much in our heads...and not enough in the rest of ourselves. they also give us the sense of having captured something that we are meant to walk alongside...grow and change with...not define and toss aside. i struggle with this a lot. meditation, while i know it is key, can be so hard because it seems so unproductive. but i believe it is probably the best place to meet what i am dependent on.
peace