coffee and life

every morning i drink coffee...EVERY morning. for years now. cream and sugar. i've switched to half caff over the last few months...but i still drink it...religiously? i don't know...anyway...

so i put cream and sugar in my coffee every morning. and while we do have coffee cups of different sizes, it just occurred to me today that i'm never really sure how much sugar i like. (cream is easy...i love it...as much as i can fit in the cup...hehe) but not enough sugar and my coffee's bitter, too much and it's too sweet...blah

there are few mornings i really get it perfectly, but it's nice when i do. but i was wondering this morning, as i creamed and sugared my coffee, why i haven't yet learned, after all these years, how much sugar to put in? why don't i pay attention and figure this out? yeah, kind of made me think of life...which i was going to get into. but i spent too much time just reading email and now N is home with tacos and bellowing at me to come eat, so i better run....

peace

cleaning, thinking, and a little faith

so my sil has decided that we did our third born son a disservice by throwing a party for three boys at one time. (but really, how else can you spend over $300 on a birthday party unless you go ahead and celebrate three at a time?...) so she'll be coming up to celebrate and bringing a cake. we celebrated his birthday on his birthday here...but i still offered to make the cake for the party she feels the need to have for him. she declined...said she'd pick it up. maybe she'll go to ye old english bakery and delicatessen...although i wasn't that impressed with the last cake i had from there... (shrugging...)

we have a friend coming to stay with us for a month. he'll be doing a surgery rotation (he's an ms IV--med student, 4th year) here so he can look at the program here, consider applying for residency here. we've never had a house guest for so long. but i'm kind of excited. i really like him...he's a good guy. i'm kind of impressed at how brave he is, coming to stay here with the six of us and all our animals. but then i think about how much it would cost him to rent a furnished place for a month and then i'm just impressed at what people will do out of desperation, which is not the same...

i've been wanting to get my kids some more religion... ok, ok, i know i cannot go buy this in tangible units. but i've been trying to find a way to expose them to more spiritual and religious things... (sounding sooo intellectual right now) i was looking at religious texts, kids books, etc... but i get nervous at how narrow in scope some are. i don't want a conservative, fundamentalist sort of book. i can come up with enough "this isn't what i think" examples without plunking money down on them. so then i was looking at other books. i went on this website for religious tolerance, thinking "yeah, this is what i want." but all the books they recommend are books from a humanist philosophy. which i'm pretty uneducated about. but they say they're definitely for parents who view children as thinking, intelligent people, capable of decision making and thinking for themselves. one said it was for parents who want to teach their kids HOW to think, not WHAT to think. and this all appeals to me. i DO respect my children and their independence. and i DO want them to know HOW to think for themselves, because ultimately, that's who they're responsible to.

but...the great cosmic butt... but i have to admit that there is a part of me that wants to believe, wants the comfort of knowing, that once they've learned how to think and made their independent decisions, that they will agree with me. (this makes me snort on some level, but feel absolutely weepy and pathetic on a more superficial level...so i'm trying to be kind to myself here) because i know they will most likely not agree with me and i will have to live with this disagreeing. i already DO live with "agree to disagree"....i mean, i have a teenager, right?

but here's the other deal... i don't know how N will feel about me exposing the kids to these sorts of philosophies, even if i do believe it's ultimately for the best and will serve them the best in the end.... and THEN...if they do profess their independent but DIFFERENT ideas, well...who's N gonna shoot? (well, i do believe he's catholic enough that he wouldn't actually shoot me, but i DO believe nasty grudges are allowed...and as long as we don't get divorced...almost anything is allowed besides previously mentioned shooting, hanging, or otherwise inflicted death)

so how much balls do i have to have to follow the path i feel in my heart is right? well, not totally "angels singing hallelujah chorus" right, but still ultimately right... i'll keep looking... maybe there's something better out there...something to better temper these other books.

faith, grasshopper...just keep the faith...
peace

running

what can i say, it's a two blog kind of day...

so i ran on my treadmill today. i do this a few times a week, sometimes more when i'm having a bad time, and sometimes not at all when i'm having a bad time...depends where the bad time is focused...mind or body. but i ran for half an hour today and my treadmill, which tells me things it doesn't possibly know, says i burned 349 calories. how it knows this, i don't care...matter of fact, i'm sure it's bullshit, but it just happens to be bullshit i want to hear right now so i'm not knocking it...today...

anyway, i figure if i run for about four hours tomorrow, maybe i could make half my left butt cheek (or what is also called a "saddle bag") disappear. whaddyathink?

just what i was thinking about on the treadmill today...

when i wasn't reading bill cosby, which is too hilarious...

peace out

hmmm, now what?

so i'm sitting in the tough time...not fighting it...letting it happen...yeah....uh-huh....(looking around)....ok, time to find something to do... hehe

i think today i will get things ready to mail that have been sitting there, probably in their own tough time, waiting for me to mail them. yes, i will do that.

(sorry, lost my train of thought for a minute as a little one came to hug on me...i think they're trying to read my blog?...i don't think so...)

anyway, i will mail things, yes....i will mail things. and it will be nice because then people will know i was thinking about them...

and then i will garden. or at least clean up and water some of the planted things around my house. this house had the cutest yards, beds, etc... it really makes you want to have a nice yard (or continue to have a nice yard). we've been fertilizing with rabbit poo, which i think has done good things for the grass. (which would be cool because then maybe N would bitch just a little less about the rabbits?....)

and i have laundry to fold. (this is not my best thing)

i also kind of want to sew something. or bead something....

yeah, looks like a christmas list or something. so i guess if i don't want to become bitter with wanting and no results, i better get off my ass and go DO something...

oh, wanted to add (nothing makes me think of something good to say like getting ready to be finished...why is that?) i thought of my friend, jeanni, the other night. well, she kind of visited me in a very tangible (but like, "tangible" as in "NOT here") kind of way. (laughing out loud at this point) the sky was tie-dyed...the moon was so bright. this was three nights ago, but the harvest moon was last night, so it's been pretty bright for a few nights now. and the clouds were across the moon, but in this sort of boxy pattern. anyway, it made me think of jeanni, and then i just felt her. it was cool. i think she was on vacation, although maybe she's back now. i don't know. i haven't talked to her in awhile. but i don't feel like i NEED to...if that makes sense. i've shared space with her recently... ;)

peace out

trusting in a higher power

sometimes, i've learned from reading anne lamott, you just have to sit in a tough time. just feel what you feel and quit struggling to get out, feel something different, be somewhere different. and i can do this. for about two days, anyway... because then i start to wonder that i'm sinking and anyone watching would say, "well, shit, if she would've just started swimming, she probably wouldn't have sunk" you know? to act or not to act? to do or not? to say something or to let it slide? these are the questions that weigh me down lately....

so i'm sitting in a tough time. it's ok...well, alright, it's really not. but i can do this. i have support and a lot of faith...and more support when my faith wears thin....and i can trust.

so anyway, back to my coffee and nutella bagel...

oh, but first...real quick...(like one of my kids, i jockey for a few more minutes...) there's this indigo girls song that i heard a lot yesterday. (the cd's scratched and it's the first song past the scratches...but it also just was speaking to me) the chorus is "we may be looking for our deliverance, but it has already been sent. it's in the night fall, when the light falls, and what you've seen isn't there anymore. it's in our blind trust, that love will find us, just like it has before." uh, the song's called deliverance, or something like that... ;) it also has a line about how beneath her surface there's a song rising, and it may be simple while it hides its true intent. i really like that line, too.

i am usually fairly optimistic. but i have found that this transition from med school to residency is kind of pinching me in places and ways that are not comfortable and seem to challenge me at the core of who i thought i was. which is ok...(read first paragraph again) but it makes words like this very poignant to me. last night my friend told me to just keep doing what i was doing...keep trying...keep sharing... it was what i needed to hear. i needed to hear someone else be optimistic...give me permission to be optimistic and not feel like maybe i was being a little foolish. i walk a fine line between being an asshole and being a sucker... haha, ok, maybe the line's not that fine. but it can be...it really can be.

alright...time to start the day
peace

breathing and focusing

maybe i'm the biggest obstacle to my own happiness... (i'm going to leave that one alone for now)

i feel a little better today...a little more relaxed, less tight. i think i slept well and for some reason, the coffee tastes particularly well today. we've got a little schoolwork to do, then i'm going to try to run (although i've had the worst case of hiccups this morning and don't want to HURT myself running with these damn hiccups), and then we go rock climbing. soccer is later... i love tuesdays. they're pre-destined...or at least heavily planned...and they don't require much thinking on my part. yep, my kind of day...

so my friend patsy had a miscarriage yesterday. it really hurts somewhere deep inside when i say that... she'll try the iui again. and she has a healthy partner that can carry future babies, but i think she really wanted to try to carry one herself. we've been burning a couple of candles for her...

e was a dinosaur when he woke up this morning. how children do this, i really don't understand...but as his little eyes were waking, he began making his dinosaur noises. i can't even remember my name first thing in the morning, and he does something so damn cute and just decides to be a dinosaur first thing... so he communicated through dinosaur grunts the first fifteen minutes of today, until o finally said, "baby dinosaur, i bet you want some milk..." which got a very affirmative grunt from e, and they went off to pour glasses of milk. i kind of felt like a schmuck...i mean, i'm the mom and it didn't even occur to me that even baby DINOSAURS would want some milk first thing. but it's ok, i guess, since o had my back this time...

i know i need to go start the day. but i feel so calm right now...why challenge that? haha ok, ok...off to start the day. but i'm checking in tonight!!!
peace

quick dump

that doesn't sound so nice, does it?...

anyway, i've got lots to do...it's been kind of a crabby, crappy morning, so i'm going to stop here for a quick dump and hope we can all move forward. (because, don't you know? it's always MY SHIT making the mornings suck...not really, but i figure if i can lighten myself, i can better handle my kids' shit...)

so i'm just tired...that's all. i'm tired of being married to a resident. i'm tired of money issues, time/scheduling issues, stress issues, family planning issues, family issues period...societal doctor bullshit issues...this isn't my passion, it's his. and yeah, i said i'd support him...but he's hardly taken on the societal homeschooing bullshit issues i've faced. and the ones where i feel completely inept...he's more likely to fucking agree with me than be sensitive and help me past it. and no, i'm not throwing him under the bus...i'm just blowing off some steam because i am tired of medicine. i'm tired of doctor shit. i feel selfish and petty and exhausted. and it's not like there aren't things that are good. because there are. i cleaned and cooked and cleaned and cooked yesterday. it was good. i felt good. but when we sat down to talk last night, he started going through this c-section he had to do, why, the reasons for inducing labor in moms with pre-eclampsia...which is fine. obviously, i was listening. but that's all he had on the brain. and i know sometimes i have a one track mind. and he listens...or at least he doesn't talk while i'm talking, and whether that truly constitutes listening, i'm not sure. so i listened. but i have to admit my mind wandered and i thought, "i really thought we'd be in a different place, for some reason. but i think it's because we're just totally different and how the hell do we ever feel like we've got stuff in common again?..."

anyway... my oldest looks at me as though i'm purposely pissing him off by saying, oh, i don't know..."have you had breakfast?" stuff like that... and then my second born keeps looking at me like some very endearing immigrant who does not speak the language...which would be, well, endearing, except i KNOW he speaks english and i'm just ready for him to get something the first time i ask him to do it. the third born...he's happily oblivious, much like his father on his good days. and baby of the family...he's stubborn as hell and the other three have me enough off balance that although i know e knows he's getting away with shit, i don't have the strength to challenge him because i'm pretty sure he knows he has the advantage...

ok, let's see how that changes the day...
(plop, plop, fizz, fizz, oh what a relief it is?)
peace

musings on life, what not...

i asked N last night how we could be so different, and be so completely unaware of it at times. i mean, this isn't one of those times...right now, i'd say we're totally aware of how different we are. or at least i am. i think he just tries to distract himself from it so he can forget. it drives me nuts because 1. it is so opposite of how i handle stuff and 2. it totally makes sense because, uh, like i said, we're so damned different... can't win this one... ("rocky, you can't win!!!") even as a little kid watching rocky movies it always bothered me when she'd say that. how defeating...

i made my first angel food cake yesterday. i don't think they made those before electric mixers, because i cannot imagine what it would take to get egg whites to do that without some electricity... but it came out very angel food-like. so i was happy with it.

i have a friend from high school who just found out she was pregnant. she underwent iui. she and her partner got to choose the guy whose sperm they'd use. it was quite an interesting journey. and now she's preggers... she's very excited and i hope she's feeling well. she has lupus and rheumatoid arthritis, so it's not like she's never faced challenges. but that first trimester? and then the teenage years...but that's getting ahead of ourselves, huh?

my nephew's been calling a bit. i love that guy. but i don't think he has a clue how unsettling our conversations can be. i mean, he's 21 and he and his parents still have so many challenges. all i can see is my possible future if, IF...IF I DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT NOT HAPPEN!!!! i don't know the if, but i sure as hell want one. so it freaks me out a bit.... (i know, i know...shepherding cats again...)

ok, i've got some schooling to do, some gardening to do, some grocery to do... maybe go by the hardware store and look at paint. find our health insurance stuff so i can find out if we have vision and make us some eye doc appts... really exciting stuff, i realize...
peace

birthday stuff and more stuff

so today is o's 8th birthday. i told him the story of his birth day and how much we love him this morning. we're going to run some errands...read: his auntie julie will buy him his gift and his brothers some ice cream while i sneak his gift outside and buy the stuff for a coconut/chocolate angel food cake and a macaroni and cheese casserole. i love these kids, but they're kind of funny food choosers... :)

i'm still pretty stuffy in the head. but sometimes, you just have to go anyway. waiting to get better is too tedious and you end up missing too much stuff...

yesterday, at the end of the day, we were tired people. N had been on call friday night, so he got home around nine saturday morning, slept for about twenty-five minutes and then got up to go to o's soccer game with us. then we went out to lunch and came home and he got to sleep. woke him up around three and we went to the creek in salado with some friends who also have a dad doing a residency, let the kids play in the water and such (n slayed LOTS of demons...) and then came home and ordered pizza. that doesn't even sound like much, but IT WAS... :)

i just keep thinking about how different things are now from a few months ago. we're a lot more physically active, i think, but we are so not social right now. i talk to friends from the area where we lived, and they're so BUSY... and then we have someone come spend the weekend and we're just like, "yeah, hi, we don't talk much..." it's like if someone poked their head in right now, maybe we resemble that sort of stereotypical homeschool family that only wants to socialize with itself... screw it, i'm not worried. it's just something i've thought about and noticed. except i do still call mama friends often at night, just to check in and kind of ground myself.

ok, i need to go finish my coffee, take a shower, and get this birthday stuff on the road...
peace

snuffling and shuffling

well, i have a blog brewing about the harmony of my family life suddenly being somehow impacted by the breeding cycles of baboons, but it's not happening today. at least not this morning...

that little walrus must've eaten some of the banana bread we made yesterday, because i think it's put on some weight. and i forgot to try to flush it out with my neti pot last night, so it is not a pleasant resident in my face at this moment. but seriously, my head hurts. so the baboon thing is not happening....

i can hear all my kids coughing and snuffling, too. (as they watch star wars...another good example of the necessity of the darkness...)

oh hell, there's a lot i WANT to say, but my thoughts just aren't clear enough...maybe tomorrow...
peace

i hear the owl

you know, the indigo girls song i posted earlier? has a line..."i hear the owl, in the night. i realize that some things never are made right."

kind of funny side note...during creative journaling with the kids yesterday, i had them draw an imaginary friend...the prompt said it could be a person, or an animal, or whatever. so i drew this kind of rainbow colored owl. it was strange, but i felt compelled...i just didn't know where it was coming from. i thought maybe it was a bit of homage to hedwig in harry potter...she was so pretty and clean and white (uh, in my head)...so i just added some colors. but maybe it had to do with this line in this song?... i do not know...

so i'm going to write about my sister. about what a great person she is and about how through watching her, i learn lessons about how it's sometimes hard to do right. how sometimes it doesn't feel really good, but that it always takes you a better place for it (well, maybe it's a tad bit easier for me to see it's a better place than it is for her...i'll have to ask her about this). see, her girlfriend's on her fourth step in a twelve step program for alcohol and drugs. and my sister was with this person through a number of years before she ever realized she needed about twelve steps. and those were hard years...lots of praying years (for us), but lots of growing years (for her). anyway, now the girlfriend's on her fourth step. and my sister, i mean she's great, but she's not goofy....it hasn't been the same for them this time around, but my sister really cares deeply for those of us who make it onto her radar, and i don't think she ever gave up the belief that she and this person could still have a relationship with trust and, at this point, some wisdom. they certainly enjoy laughing together, so that was never a question. anyway...this person broke up with my sister last night.

so all this good will, hope, belief in the triumph of the spirit...i mean, it's not gone. the girlfriend (we all know she's the ex, but i'm just gonna call her this, because i'm sure they'll stay friends) just couldn't deal with seeing the hurt in my sister's eyes from the previous years. i mean, my sister's not actively hurting...well, not before the girlfriend broke up with her and even then, hurt's kind of the wrong word...but i'm sure the girlfriend can see the difference between what was there before and what's there now. although, i'd guess what's there now is more true, more wholly given, even though it might seem more guarded. oh blah...i suck at this.

all this to say...i'm proud of my sister. i'm proud of the life i see her moving forward with but i'm also proud because i know she's been who she is all along. and i'm proud that those she loves are loved well. she's a damned good person. (if she reads this, she'll probably barf) bahaha and just for the record, she's doing alright...

so back to some thing's never are made right... maybe they are made right, but it's just not hearts and flowers, sunshine and butterflies. and so it's a little harder to figure out that they're "right". i mean, maybe i'm looking too much for the gold stars and the big check marks, i don't know...

oh, here's the deal...(i wanted to write about this yesterday, but ran out of complete sentences...) i was watching pokemon. and there are these sort of bad guys in pokemon called team rocket. only, really they're more like kind of naughty clowns. they don't usually do anything of consequence and they do provide some comic relief. so i was watching them thinking, man, in today's action movies, ash (the hero) would just blow those guys away and that'd be the last of them. but they're (team rocket) in every episode. always there. and they usually end up helping out in some small way (usually to help themselves more than anything).

so that made me think of gollum in lord of the rings. how gandalf wouldn't agree with the idea that gollum should just be killed...that he pointed out that no one knew the role gollum played in the story. and then he subsequently becomes the one who truly destroys the ring in the end... way to go, gandalf!

so i was playing around with that buddhist idea...it was in "leaving alaska" by john green. (which is fiction, but that's all i really give a shit about right now....I JUST NEED A LITTLE FICTION) the idea about when we try to live as if things aren't going to go wrong, we create our own suffering. soooo.... pokemon, gollum, the owl, buddha.... i think sometimes i just imagine this perfect state. and i'm always trying to achieve it, keep things out of the way that will fuck with it, bla bla bla... a shepherd of cats, right hope? so it's always falling apart, and consequently, i'm always creating my own suffering. if i'd be real about it, let myself know the things i already know, then i wouldn't be setting myself up. embrace a little chaos, a little darkness, a few naughty clowns (n comes to mind...), then it would be a little smoother. maybe then things would get, uh, (forgive me for this one) CLOSER TO FINE.....

by the way, i know better than to go for perfection. i, personally, love the concept of "good enough" mothering...and completely ascribe to that goal...

in a lot of ways, it's not embracing the ideal that's a challenge for me. it's applying it to the parts of my life that are in conflict with the ideal. that requires a little more time and effort and concentration. (and with this damn walrus in my sinuses...well, you can imagine)

ok, i need to get back to good enough living... did someone hear a hoot?
peace

blood, sinuses, these are a few of my favorite things

so i woke up this morning to dh ready to draw my blood and take it in to work with him. (is this a perk of medicine? i remember when he used to grab some milk and bread before leaving the pharmacy...i think that was more useful...)

anyway, have i ever mentioned i am not good with blood drawing? my mom (the nurse) says i am, i believe the medical term is, a big chicken. see, i passed out in high school after donating blood, and i just haven't felt (or reacted) the same about blood drawing since then.

anyway, so this morning, as my dr. husband is trying to get a vein (and yes, he'd put the needle in and then search it out...gagging here for a minute...) i'm trying to ignore the "stars" i'm starting to see, telling myself "i'm ok, i'm ok..." so once he gets the needle out, i almost ran to the couch, total snow in front of my eyes, my skin clammy. even dh commented on how white i was... it's an amazing thing, the body. how it "knows" stuff we're trying not to know. i think this is what my body was trying to tell me this morning, "i don't think he's got the vein. i don't think he's going to GET the vein. you've got a man with a needle hunting around in your arm and if you don't knock this craziness off, i'm dropping you like a ton of bricks...don't think i can't..." my body, she's a smart one.

dh tried a second time and since i'd given her a bit of water, she handled it better. but he still didn't get it. so i'll go to the hospital to get a nurse (read: someone who knows what she's doing) to do the draw. but god love dh, he'll be practicing this next week (read: if you can possibly, avoid the hospital while he's there so he's not murderizing your veins...hehe). he's not content to let a skill most docs see as beneath them fall by the wayside. he's a good guy.

my sinuses feel like there's a miniature walrus stuck up there...it's small enough to fit, but still exerts quite a bit of pressure since that's really not where it belongs, you know? and it's kind of heavy, i think.

my kids are doing some schoolwork. we really have much housework to do... but see, the thing i've learned is, no matter how long you put it off, that kind of work always waits for you....

ok, there's more floating around in there, but the walrus keeps getting in the way of complete sentences...poor thing...it must be lost because i'm certain it doesn't belong there.
peace

bus throwing...or something like that

so i went to the indigo girls concert this weekend. it was great. i went with my sister. that was pretty great, too. she teases me incessantly. (omg, she "got" patsy, my girlfriend we stayed with, SO FREAKING GOOD....it was awful...i almost had to kill her for it, but we all laughed, so no one died.) anyway, my sister is a big teaser. that doesn't sound right. in her own words, "if i ain't giving you a hard time, i don't like you." there. that's what i was trying to say. so, she kept teasing me that i was throwing everyone under a bus this weekend...like i was ratting them out, i guess. it was funny. because in my heart of hearts, the last thing i'd ever want to do would be to throw someone under a bus. so it took a little bit to be able to relax and laugh and be comfortable in the fact that everyone else knew i would never do that...hence, the joke. (yes, i really am this big of a nerd)

so i had to post something else here, because i kind of feel like i threw N under a bus yesterday, and didn't want to leave it at that.

he is who he is. we are, together, who we are. in the interest of our future, we make decisions. sometimes, in the interest of protecting ourselves at a moment, we don't make decisions that are in the interest of our future, but ultimately, we are always interested in as harmonious a future as possible.

we will heal from the last couple of weeks. (hell, the last four years have been kind of challenging, marriage and life wise) but we will heal. i have a lot of faith in that.

last thing, thanks to those who've listened and raised me up. you saved my ass again...
peace

sigh...

so i'm just getting this out here because i've got to put it somewhere...

my dh is an ob/gyn. he just finished four years of medical school and is now in his intern year of a residency.

for the past at least six months, probably a little longer, i've been really tired lately. like when it first started changing, i thought i was just a little depressed, so i welcomed a little extra sleep. but even now, i can go to bed at 11pm and still need the alarm to wake me up at 8:30am...

i noticed a few times before we moved how much of my hair i vacuum up off of carpets. since we've moved, i've been vacuuming more regularly and am really bothered by how much of my hair i vacuum up...how it's all over the place, and still manages to fall out when i brush it, etc...

last summer, i started getting eczema. in two, uhm, very uncomfortable places. it progressed until i had to go to a doctor last december/january for a strong steroid cream that finally took care of it. my nipples still peel and flake regularly.

i also started having palpitations--what dh called pvc's--about march of this year. i had them for about three or four weeks; they were worse when i'd had caffeine or alcohol, but i did not have to consume caffeine or alcohol to have them. after about three or four weeks, they just went away. then i'd have them every once in awhile, never for as long as the first time. but i did have them for about a week after i moved out here.

i started working out when i moved here, hoping it would help this stuff sort of just even out. it hasn't.

about three or four months ago, i started spotting before my period. first off, it was just for a day or two, but lately it's been for more like three or four days before my period actually starts.

so i've been talking to my dh about this stuff. all along, which i realize means it's been pretty spread out, not all concentrated like what i just typed out. but never once has he suggested a thyroid problem. i've asked him if he thought it was thyroid, but he rarely seemed to really think it was a problem. after this last issue, the spotting, i was reading a book of mine, and i really think i need to go get tested. not because it will save my life--although i do think having an uncorrected thyroid problem is setting myself up for trouble i just don't need to go asking for--but because if it is my thyroid, that can be addressed and fixed. if it's not, fine...i've been living like this and i'll just keep working on it. it's not intolerable. but to not fix something that could very well be fixable...that is intolerable to me. i have enough going on in my life that if there is something i can address, why the hell wouldn't i?

so i was pretty disappointed that i had to do my own research on something in a field that he sees women in daily. really disappointed. but it wasn't the end of the world...i just felt like it was kind of bitterly ironic. but i felt like it was time to figure out what to do about this...translation: go get my thyroid checked. i was kind of waiting to see what he'd say about this test vs. that one. (if there's even a choice) or this treatment vs. that one...whatever.

he was pretty pissed at me yesterday. he feels like i expected something of his without ever really asking for it. and then i guess he feels like i want him to do something that it's not inherently his place to do. he's actually said things like that i wanted him to draw my blood or figure out how to navigate our health plan. and that really wasn't what i was looking for. but one of the things that he said yesterday was that i should pretend he's dead and figure out what i'd do then. and then see if that's so different from what i should do given that he's not dead. maybe i'm wrong, but that just knocked the wind out of me. it really hurt me. because i want to know how he'd possibly navigate a day if i were dead...but whatever. he doesn't think that's relevant.

and here i am, miss stubborn "you don't have to do a fucking thing for me, asshole"... so i'll make my own appt. and take the kids with me. i don't have to talk to him about this. i don't want to, frankly. i am just so hurt by him. i kind of feel stupid, you know... like i spent the last four years following some one's dream who wants me to live as though they're dead...except for when they're in the mood to have a partner, i guess.

anyway, i'm sure this sounds completely self-pitying and shallowly self-centered. but that's just where i am right now, i guess. i don't WANT to hate him right now. i really WANT to just get past this to a better place. but i'm tired of pretending like every time i get upset, it's really some character flaw of my own. i've sat quiet for awhile with this, waiting for some of the intensity to die down, so i don't say something i'll end up regretting or that we'll have to spend all this time getting past. and then he told me yesterday that he just doesn't think i THINK about what i'm saying...whatever. i really hate that we're so dysfunctional sometimes. it is so discouraging...

peace

world keep on turning

so the presentations went well today. they've taken a quiz, done a little this, a little that. lunch was very light. i think i'll make meatballs for dinner... things are quite mellow. i think i've finally kicked my cold, thanks to making myself use my neti pot. i think i need to go take a shower and get some house cleaned so it won't be too bad when i leave tomorrow. i'd like to get the rabbits in a good place and my car cleaned out. maybe bathe miss kitty, too.

i am excited to be leaving tomorrow for so many reasons. i REALLY need a break from my family for just a bit. i REALLY love the indigo girls, too. and i'm really looking forward to hanging out with my sister and my friend from camp. the weather looks like it'll be nice up there and i just think it has every chance of being a very relaxing time.

ok, i'm off to get moving...
peace

grrrr...

so i am coming off of an angry high right now. frustrated, disgusted, disappointed. in my seven year old and in myself.

i asked him to do something to reflect having just read bridge to terabithia. draw something. a character, a scene, an object in the story. i mentioned this two days ago. so for the past two days he's done nothing. and today, as his brothers worked to finish their assignments--uh, which were NOT as simple as drawing something--he just made big bambi eyes and crocodile tears. i don't know why he wouldn't do the assignment. we talked about it, i gave him ideas, told him i'd help him. he just didn't want to do it. and i'd say he didn't want to disappoint me, but i don't think he was too hung up on that either. but then, i was pretty ugly in my frustration, so maybe i wasn't that much to disappoint. anyway...

i KNOW we'll read more books as a family and he'll have his folder of books read when it's his time. i know that mostly, it's important to me that n have a folder of books he's read, projects he's done that reflect some examination of the books. and n's worked hard on it. it's not that huge a deal that o have a folder dating back to his second grade year. but i just couldn't believe he wouldn't do it.

and i had those moments looking at him that i was convinced he was doing it to piss me off, outwardly defying me, whatever... but i don't think that was it. whatever it was, he wasn't enjoying it anymore than i was enjoying my rather mindless muscle-flexing trying to get him to do the assignment. so i just don't know what was being unsaid between us.

i do know that i will probably encourage him to do something with each book, but not require it until after christmas of this year. i will keep working with him on his handwriting so that his manuscript is as efficient as possible. i will also probably ask that he go back to using his pencil grip to correct his that is too tight. and i will probably limit his game time somewhat the next few months. i wll encourage him, period, because i think he needs it. i will also let this issue go, because i majorly screwed it up and any potential lessons have been lost at this point. but it's ok. the love lives on and so will our homeschooling lives...and our belief in the value of the journey.

peace out

i'm walking, yes indeed....

so a few years back i started doing some searching...of the soul variety. i was searching for my true values, and not the ones i'd been handed and shuffled as best i could.

it was cool, because i had a lot of friends with similar values...or similar feelings toward certain values, if that makes sense. anyway, i learned the phrase (from my good friend denise) that i had certain ideals i just "hadn't put feet to." what a great phrase! they were important to me, held highly in my head and heart, i just hadn't figured out how to incorporate them into my life yet.

so i'm learning that life is finding your feet concerning and putting feet to new ideals, or better living your ideals all the time. it's continually enhancing each step, until we no longer walk, right?

so here's something i wonder about sometimes. does making a decision inherently mean we are not ok with the other alternatives (we could've decided on)... can we make a decision but still embrace everyone...even those who make a different decision?

i was reading an indigo girls site yesterday. it has different comments they've made on different songs they've written and released. one song, "the night they killed faye tucker," is about amy's anti-death penalty stance. she says, "when it comes down your life's not your own, and that's why killing don't pay." it's a double entendre. she feels killing is wrong...whether faye tucker's or the texas government who put her to death. (which happened to be led by george w. at the time) but amy says you have to be able to embrace the humanity even when you deplore what people stand for. (ended with a prep, arg) it was profound to read.

and this brings me back to my question. here's an example to work it out...homeschooling. sometimes homeschoolers can be a pretty snobby bunch, convinced what they're doing is right and best for EVERYONE and not just their families. but sometimes non-homeschoolers can be pretty dismissive and imply that people homeschool because of their own inabilities to allow their children to be independent, or that parents aren't as qualified as teachers, or whatever. and then there are homeschoolers who look down on other homeschoolers for utilizing public education opportunities within their homeschooling, bla bla bla.

now, i had another good friend teach me that there is no choice that is the magic bullet to promise everything will come out good and right for our family. and i believe that. good nutrition isn't a magic bullet. gentle discipline isn't a magic bullet. alternative vaccination schedules isn't. physical activity and a love of outdoors isn't a magic bullet. and homeschooling isn't either.

so why can't we just support each other in whatever decision we each make for our families? wouldn't it be so much more productive?... i think negative energy takes a lot from both parties, and positive gives a lot. plus, i think it's better for our brains and the rest of our physical bodies. but i guess if i choose to look positively at something, i have to respect some one's choice to look negatively. (haha) and that's fine. i just feel sad when someone has a negative experience from someone in a particular "group" of people, and ascribes that negativity to the whole group. but i guess it wouldn't be too ridiculous to challenge someone on that...because that's pretty ridiculous.

i guess all of this to say that i respect some one's decision to feel that homeschooling is the ONLY right decision. i don't even feel the need to correct them. (hahahahaha....blogging reveals so much of my own shoddy thinking to me....CORRECT them?!! because, don't you see? they are wrong....shaking my head) ok, i don't even feel the need to offer a counter-balancing opinion. because i've been there. and i don't want that person to lose their dignity there anymore than i could afford to lose mine when i was there... but....and there's the great but....

(hell, i'm going to leave it here) :)
peace

let's try this one again...

the day, not the subject matter. i'm leaving pain and hurt and anger and lashing out for another day altogether... so instead, i'm going to just put up some indigo girls lyrics... (but i can't remember off the top of my head which song i was so sure i was going to spotlight in the car...)

dark clouds are coming in, like an army
soon the sky will open up and disarm me
you will go, just like you've gone before
one sad soldier off to war
with enemies that only you can see

the dishes stacked, the table cleared
it's always like the scene of the last supper here
you speak so cryptically
but that's no news to me
the flood is here, it'll carry you
and i've got work to do

come on home
the team you're hitched to has a mind of its own
it's just the forces of your past you've fought before
come back here and shut the door
i'm stacking sandbags against the river of your troubles

there is fire, and there is lust
some would trade it all for someone they could trust
here's a bag of silver
for a box of nails
it's so simple, the betrayal
though it's known to change the world and what's to come

come on home
the team you're hitched to has a mind of its own
it's just the forces of your past you've fought before
don't you recognize them anymore?
i'm stacking sandbags against the river of you troubles

there's the given and the accepted
i count my blessings while i eye what i've neglected
is this for better? is this for worse?
you're all jammed up and the dams about to burst

i hear the owl, in the night
i realize some things never are made right
by some will, we string together here
days to months and months to years
what if everything we have adds up to nothing?

home (come home)
the team you're hitched to has a mind of its own
it's just the forces of your past you've fought before
come back here and shut the door
i'm stacking sandbags against the river of your troubles.....

this song has always touched me very deeply. so much of it i feel just as it's written. (although i have to admit i'm never sure if i'm the writer or the subject of the song....it fits both ways throughout the song, to be honest) it's just such a beautiful song...

the kids had their first rock climbing class today. it was a lot of fun. i really like doing stuff like that. rock climbers seem to be kind of a quirky bunch, but you can't accuse them of not being passionate about their hobby.... and it's kind of liberating to be around someone that passionate. the whole "shine your light bright...it gives others permission to shine theirs bright, too" idea...it really works in that gym. for me anyway. and for my kids, too. tuesdays will be good days...

peace

hurt and anger

today is september 11th...peaceful thoughts to all whose lives were changed on that day.

i've been thinking a lot about hurt and anger. how when i'm hurt, i often act out of what i know is hurt, but what is often seen as anger. and responding to someone who is pissed is very different from responding to someone who's hurt...i don't care who you are. so i try not to act angry. but i also try to let myself be true to what i feel. if i'm on the great quest to treat people as, well, humans...but i mean recognize and reflect the dignity i see in each person...well, i can imagine that others might be on the same quest, too. (meaning, i can give, but i can ask and hope to receive, too, right?)

anyway. this is not where i wanted to go with this. what i wanted to say was why do people get so angry when they're hurt? or get angry before they're hurt? when it looks like they just MIGHT be getting hurt? i've felt it. a writer i've read calls it a "pain body".... and i like that term a lot. but why does pain typically cause us to lash out?

buddhists say that when we fight the inevitable, we bring ourselves suffering. that is we would only accept that things will happen, we will get hurt, things will fall apart...we could end our own suffering. i think that's why i was so fascinated by "joseph, king of dreams"...if i would just accept that people get hurt...and i can love the hurter as much as the hurtee, because i spend as much time myself on either side of the equation...then maybe i won't suffer so much inside.

modern america says if i only take a small pill once a day i can decrease my pain. and while that may be true, i'm going to stick with some meditation and prayer and mental work for a bit longer. because i think it's working for me. it takes longer, i admit. and it's not very steady work. but it's worthy, i think.

so i will focus more on hurt and anger, pain and lashing out. i think sometimes when we're in pain, we lose our ability to gauge the quality of our pain...it's all bad and it's all ultimate and we've got nothing to lose so damn anyone to comes near. not really, because we tend to lash out at those we're closest to. (mamas tell themselves it's the ones we feel safest with, so we don't fall apart when it's our kids tear into us verbally)

ugh, this is so disjointed because i have a nine year old working on math who's had a number of questions...so i'm going to stop here. i was thinking a lot about this last night, so i may come back to it soon. otherwise...well, i guess otherwise i won't, huh? (ok, my cold is obviously still making me a little foggy, too)

so peace

some more work...this time on my own

so...it's one of those times where i have some work to do. on myself. or in myself, maybe? whatever.... N and i are having a difficult time. and while i don't really want to go into specifics...there are just somethings we're having a hard time discussing. the footing is not inherently very even in my marriage, methinks. i will have to sit with it for awhile and see... (throwing my hands up, giving up on trying to make sense of this)

in other news, i am going to the indigo girls concert this weekend with my sister, my friend patsy, and her partner. my sis will drive to my house and from here, she and i will drive to patsy's. i.am.so.excited...i.do.not.think.i.will.make.it.through.this.week. truly. it will be so hard waiting. part of me is just damned excited to spend a couple of hours with my sister without anyone else butting in. and then i get to see the girls. and then i get to see pats... hell, it's a win, win, win, win weekend....

ok, i'm grouchy. and trying to find a solid place to sit for awhile.

oh, and schooling is going well. we're making progress. i'm pleased with how things are moving along and i think the kids are doing really great. i do think things will improve when we start rock climbing and continue with soccer. now, if i could only find a music instructor.... sigh... that always seems to require a little more from me than i can accomplish. but i'm letting myself be who i am on that front this week...can't tackle too much at once...

peace

work (but subject to change)

last night, i talked on the phone with a girlfriend until 2 in the morning... i don't think either one of us makes it a habit to be on the phone that late, but i have to admit that since i've moved out here, it's happened more than, well, that it ever has before in my life, to be honest...

we talked about our day to day, our kids, our spouses and their careers. we talked about homeschooling, and parenting, and being women and wives, and trying to find the balance for it all. we talked about history, religion, some politics, philosophy, mother theresa, church, economy, health care, friends, birthing, business, family, ourselves, our journeys....you know....mama talk. we hadn't talked in over a week, except for a small conversation to set the date for last night. (a time when her husband was working and mine was on call) towards the end of our conversation, we talked about how our relationship was different, how we missed seeing each other at stuff and just sharing the little things... how it's more work these days. still worth it, obviously....but still more work. it's hard to go from being a constant part of each other's lives...to still being a part of each other's lives, but it's like instead of a little constant contact, it's just big dump sessions...kind of rolling around in each others' lives for a few hours and then going back to our own day to day without the other...but i still hold all my mama friends in my heart and in my thoughts day to day. they've shaped who i am and how i think. when i feel weak, they hold me up, whether they're here to put their hands on me or not. i hope they all know that. and i hope they feel the same from me... "i'd like to be the sort of friend that you have been to me"...

what better kind of work?...

peace

sigh....a-choo!!

today is a day of nothing. well, there was soccer this morning. and dropping off a gift and picking up some of my plants. (yes, i've been here three months and am just now picking up my plants...what's your point?) n mowed grass and i've made chicken and dumplings, popcorn, and oatmeal cookies. oh, and we took N lunch at the hospital earlier. but other than that, it's a day of nothing...

it's a good thing it's a day of nothing, because i also have a small cold. well, it's more of a pulsing cold. sometimes it's small, and other times it's bigger. but it comes and goes like that...like a pulse. yeah, it's a pulsing cold...

my kids are playing this video game. all four of them. n and e teamed up against o and s. they howl and scream and laugh their asses off while playing this game. it's hilarious and as much as i really hate the games (yes, i thought before i used the word hate, and it was appropriate), it almost makes me just really not like them. (but i still hate them)

last thing...o's game. they lost today...6 to 3. last season we played in a league called the fun, fair, positive soccer league. it had more rules for the parents than for the kids. this is a different league. the parents are a little more free...a little less restricted. the coaches, too. it wasn't THAT different. well, there was that one time that our coach yelled out, "don't you blame garrett (our defender)!! that goal was shot from midfield, which is YOUR ZONE!!!" he did not say this to my son. my son wasn't even on the field and i'm glad for that because i don't think i would've liked him speaking to my 7 year old like that... but maybe? i don't know. i can see the possibility looming of finding out, though. but the coach is a good guy. i think he knew he looked silly at that moment. like he was coaching so LOUDLY for the kids? it was obvious it was because he was mad at the moment that we were losing, which is human...i guess. (i mean, we were getting pummelled at the moment) but the kids just didn't seem that stressed about it. and they're human, too, right?

i have a post inside me about the different natures we have... about how our goals lead us different places, to do things in different ways. and how we really have no need to judge anyone against what is driving us, because no one is driven by the same things. we may have some similarities, but we are ultimately unique, and need to remember that and respect it. just because someone seems A LOT more different from us than someone else, doesn't make them any more or less.

i watched "joseph, king of dreams" today. maybe i am simple-minded, but that disney cartoon kills me every time i see it. it makes me cry. i want to buy the soundtrack. it is beautiful. and i just kept thinking about how jacob tries to make his other sons be nice to joseph, without ever explaining anything and always treating joseph so much better than the others...unashamedly so. and how i would've chosen to change much in those interactions, but how it all came together in rather epic events. i don't know that God predestined it, but joseph singing, "you know better than i" kills me every time. and it's good. because there's something in me that needs to be a little weaker...

i'm going to see the indigo girls next weekend. here's another lyric...

darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
and lightness has a call that's hard to hear

maybe that's why i want things a little less busy and a little more quiet...so i can hear better...
peace

quick update on random stuff...

so i ran...not two miles, but one and three quarters. i was getting tired and my leg muscles were asking me to reconsider my goal, so i did. i am not a woman who can't be reasoned with...

but before i ran, i got in a huge argument with my oldest son. that was not on my list of things to do earlier, was it? i was going to do what was important...arguing with n, that just wasn't that important to me, yet, there we went...

i find parenting so difficult sometimes. the indigo girls have a line in one of their songs..."we're sculpted from youth, the chipping away makes me weary." and as neither of the girls has a child, i can only assume they're speaking of the chipping away they felt growing up that makes them weary. and i agree. it is weary-ing. but, i just want to throw out there, that it's no fucking picnic from the "chipper"s perspective either. that wears me down, too. because try as i might, i can't seem to stop. i don't think i'm supposed to, but i don't particularly enjoy it, either...

ok, just wanted to add that. sometimes i worry everything sounds so smooth in my blog. like, even the bumps are pretty well dealt with. and maybe they are. but i felt the need to add that all my noble wishes for doing what was important got a little side railed for awhile. i'm sure we'll be fine from this point on...(or, maybe from THIS point on....or THIS point on...) bahaha

peace out

random stuff

this is what you title a blog entry when you have no direction sitting down to type, but still feel the need to do it...

we have nothing to do today. i am so happy about this, i almost want to cry--which makes me think maybe it's not exactly happiness that i'm feeling because being happy usually doesn't make me cry. but i'll call it happiness for now.

sometimes i worry that i am really, really lazy. well, that i've BECOME really, really lazy. because i used to do lots. i had those days that included many stops here and there, switching of children and car seats, decorating, cooking, picking up, dropping off... but i have no desire to revisit those. it's like puberty--been there, done that, don't fucking sign me up again, thank you. (although somehow i seem to have gotten signed up sort of again with my sons going through it, but that's another blog)

so i have no desire to be that productive again. haha it's not the productivity that bothers me. it's the busy-ness. i think productivity is great. but i always felt like i was busier than hell and really, not all that productive. or maybe i got stuff done, but really, how much did that stuff matter to me?

so what do i do now? i spend way more time on the computer than i ever have in my life. i also spend more time considering and acting on educating my children than i ever have in my life. i cook more than i ever have in my life. and i think i exercise more than i ever have in my life. i also do more outdoors stuff than, yeah, yeah, there's a pattern to how these statements are ending.... but sometimes, life just seems overwhelming to me. i'm like, "geez, when do i get some downtime?" and then i look back at what i've been up to and think, "well, it's not exactly like i've been busting my balls lately..."

i think i'm going to see if there's a meals on wheels program in this area. who wouldn't love getting food delivered by these cute kids? and yeah, i'll probably have to bribe the kids at first, but maybe they'll figure out that there are interesting people out there that could use a little help, but are fun to be around. maybe, at the very least, they'll just learn that jesus's job wasn't as easy as some people make it sound... but i just feel like i need to get out of my house and affect something beyond my own doors and my own family. and while i know there are plenty of avenues that would snatch my help up in a second, i'd just rather spend it doing one or two things that really matter to me instead of doing a million things that i'm just not sure of their worth.

oh, as an aside. i think i'm going to buy this book called "deep economy". john green talked about it on the brotherhood 2.0 website. it was a very interesting blog he did on it yesterday, and i highly recommend it...if you've got a spare three and a half minutes or so. which can be hard to come by, i realize...

ok, i'm going to go relax a bit. really, i'm going to make my bed and try to run 2 miles. i'm going to remind my oldest child to feed the dogs, and maybe even bathe said dogs later on today. i also might run to the grocery for bread and butter (haha, funny combo) and maybe even academy to pick up some kayak j hooks, so we can take the kayaks out without having to "rig" them up and then pray we don't lose one.... it's been awhile since we've taken the kayaks out and i'm missing it. i think i'll wait til winter to paint inside my house.... whatever seems important today, that's what we'll do. we might rent bridge to terabithia, because i finished reading that to the kids. (and i'll do a blog soon on how bridge to terabithia really touches on my feelings about the whole world later...sort of the book report i never did because somehow, in all my education years, i was never required to read that book)

so that's about it for today...
peace

sometimes i'm so me it hurts

i was thinking the other day about how different people perceive me. ok, ok, true confessions...i was DEFENDING myself in MY MIND against different perceptions people MIGHT HAVE of me. (otherwise known as mindfucking myself)

anyway...so i was considering these things... and it occurred to me that i do my best when i don't think about it. or when i'm kind of insecure about how i'm doing, but still mostly busy enough to not get immersed in my own insecurity. but once i fall into the chasm that is my insecurities full on, OR, the other end, once i begin to believe i'm actually doing something WELL....well, then it all just fucking falls apart...

so tonight...i made banana nut bread. and i'm working out, getting healthy, cooking at home more (and hating all the fucking dishes by the way), it's a sort of complete overhaul. sort of. kind of. like, bigger than anything i've ever attempted. consciously. because motherhood was big and being married was big, but those weren't really so CONSCIOUS. (god, that sounds awful)

anyway, so i made banana nut bread. and i used half a cup of ground flax seeds instead of flour. (i've done this before with good results) and i put black strap molasses in instead of half a cup of sugar. (i've also done this before with good results) BUT i also used a third of a cup of wheat germ instead of flour and i left out a third of a cup of sugar. (OBVIOUSLY i was having some measuring cup issues...couldn't find anything but the damned one-third cup...so how did i measure the half cup of flax seeds? i eyeballed it, of course!)

anyway, it was not sweet enough. and it was kind of crumbly. and it's ok, but i'm kind of bummed out that i got too ambitious and made something that took an HOUR to cook (not to mention "put together" time) not so great. because really, banana nut bread should be GREAT, you know? no one really wants mediocre banana nut bread... (at least not in this house...)

i DID add some sugar and cinnamon on top as it cooked. (i was TOTALLY anticipating the not sweet enough possibility) it was alright... but i'm bummed that it was alright.

and THIS, dear friends, is just who i am... i have a lot of good ideas, some of them great...and i mostly have really good intentions, too. but sometimes, my execution is alright. hell, USUALLY it is alright. sometimes it downright sucks. and other times, every once in a blue moon, it is MARVELOUS. and like my chocolate zucchini cake, it's always up for the opinion of those who witness it (or, you know, taste it). and my opinion counts, too, of course...when i remember it does...???....

so anyway...sometimes i really am just so ME, it hurts. because i almost always want to be MORE than me. but me is who i am, and me is who i will keep learning to be ok being...

peace

yikes!

it is september! and i have no lesson plans for this week... and i've spent the weekend with inlaws and still feel like i'm on a boat... and while i have been completely mindfucking myself for the past three days, and i am sort of emotionally spent, and N and i are both grouchy, i am grateful. i am content. things are ok...

so peace out and have a good one....