Wednesday, September 5, 2007

sometimes i'm so me it hurts

i was thinking the other day about how different people perceive me. ok, ok, true confessions...i was DEFENDING myself in MY MIND against different perceptions people MIGHT HAVE of me. (otherwise known as mindfucking myself) i was considering these things... and it occurred to me that i do my best when i don't think about it. or when i'm kind of insecure about how i'm doing, but still mostly busy enough to not get immersed in my own insecurity. but once i fall into the chasm that is my insecurities full on, OR, the other end, once i begin to believe i'm actually doing something WELL....well, then it all just fucking falls apart...

so tonight...i made banana nut bread. and i'm working out, getting healthy, cooking at home more (and hating all the fucking dishes by the way), it's a sort of complete overhaul. sort of. kind of. like, bigger than anything i've ever attempted. consciously. because motherhood was big and being married was big, but those weren't really so CONSCIOUS. (god, that sounds awful)

anyway, so i made banana nut bread. and i used half a cup of ground flax seeds instead of flour. (i've done this before with good results) and i put black strap molasses in instead of half a cup of sugar. (i've also done this before with good results) BUT i also used a third of a cup of wheat germ instead of flour and i left out a third of a cup of sugar. (OBVIOUSLY i was having some measuring cup issues...couldn't find anything but the damned one-third how did i measure the half cup of flax seeds? i eyeballed it, of course!)

anyway, it was not sweet enough. and it was kind of crumbly. and it's ok, but i'm kind of bummed out that i got too ambitious and made something that took an HOUR to cook (not to mention "put together" time) not so great. because really, banana nut bread should be GREAT, you know? no one really wants mediocre banana nut bread... (at least not in this house...)

i DID add some sugar and cinnamon on top as it cooked. (i was TOTALLY anticipating the not sweet enough possibility) it was alright... but i'm bummed that it was alright.

and THIS, dear friends, is just who i am... i have a lot of good ideas, some of them great...and i mostly have really good intentions, too. but sometimes, my execution is alright. hell, USUALLY it is alright. sometimes it downright sucks. and other times, every once in a blue moon, it is MARVELOUS. and like my chocolate zucchini cake, it's always up for the opinion of those who witness it (or, you know, taste it). and my opinion counts, too, of course...when i remember it does...???....

so anyway...sometimes i really am just so ME, it hurts. because i almost always want to be MORE than me. but me is who i am, and me is who i will keep learning to be ok being...


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