Wednesday, September 26, 2007

trusting in a higher power

sometimes, i've learned from reading anne lamott, you just have to sit in a tough time. just feel what you feel and quit struggling to get out, feel something different, be somewhere different. and i can do this. for about two days, anyway... because then i start to wonder that i'm sinking and anyone watching would say, "well, shit, if she would've just started swimming, she probably wouldn't have sunk" you know? to act or not to act? to do or not? to say something or to let it slide? these are the questions that weigh me down lately....

so i'm sitting in a tough time. it's ok...well, alright, it's really not. but i can do this. i have support and a lot of faith...and more support when my faith wears thin....and i can trust.

so anyway, back to my coffee and nutella bagel...

oh, but first...real quick...(like one of my kids, i jockey for a few more minutes...) there's this indigo girls song that i heard a lot yesterday. (the cd's scratched and it's the first song past the scratches...but it also just was speaking to me) the chorus is "we may be looking for our deliverance, but it has already been sent. it's in the night fall, when the light falls, and what you've seen isn't there anymore. it's in our blind trust, that love will find us, just like it has before." uh, the song's called deliverance, or something like that... ;) it also has a line about how beneath her surface there's a song rising, and it may be simple while it hides its true intent. i really like that line, too.

i am usually fairly optimistic. but i have found that this transition from med school to residency is kind of pinching me in places and ways that are not comfortable and seem to challenge me at the core of who i thought i was. which is ok...(read first paragraph again) but it makes words like this very poignant to me. last night my friend told me to just keep doing what i was doing...keep trying...keep sharing... it was what i needed to hear. i needed to hear someone else be optimistic...give me permission to be optimistic and not feel like maybe i was being a little foolish. i walk a fine line between being an asshole and being a sucker... haha, ok, maybe the line's not that fine. but it can really can be.

alright...time to start the day

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