quickie

i went camping this weekend. it was so, so, soooooo much fun. like "aaahh, i needed that" kind of fun. sun, sweat, laughing, swimming, rowing, fire, communal sleep time, waking up and heading out immediately, consuming my morning caffeine in the sun, sitting still for a little while...these are things that heal, nurture, make me a better person and keep me from feeling like an alien in my life. my sister and her partner being there made it even better. it was awesome shmawesome.

so much i want to write about, but i feel so antsy in my head and in my body...maybe i should've stayed at inks lake a few days longer? i'll get to it...eventually.

peace

note to myself...

i like today's oscar wilde quote...

Morality, like art, means drawing a line someplace.

ok, now my note...

it has been a really long week...and a busy one, too. oldest started classes an hour away. oldest also started rock climbing practice with the team on thursday evenings. oldest and third born started piano on wednesdays. i still need to call to begin second born's flute lessons. co-op starts next week as well as rock climbing class for the three bigs. and i need to register third born for soccer. oh, and second born turned eleven yesterday, which was a very cool, very successful celebration with friends and family and i am very grateful for those who love us here... all of that proceeding after a competition weekend (complete with teenage tantrum last friday) and it was quite a ride.

i think we are going to be able to do this schedule...i do. i don't think i'm kidding myself too much in thinking that. but i have to say that i am not sure where my treadmill time fits into this new schedule. and tonight, as i feel myself sort of vibrating with tension and maybe a tiny bit of anxiety, i realize that treadmill time is important and must be a priority to some degree. let me say this again (for myself) TREADMILL TIME IS IMPORTANT... otherwise i will be grouchy, tense, negative, unhappy, and probably not fit into the jeans i have. i will probably eat a bunch of crap to compensate, thus making me feel worse. i will want interaction but not have the patience for it. i will feel antsy and hungry for something, but not able to find what i want, thereby consuming many things...junk food, relationships, hours at the computer doing nothing, whatever gets in my path. i don't think i'm being overly pessimistic, and i realize that all of this will not happen at once. thank god it hasn't yet, anyway. but these are the things i think may be related to leading a quick paced life, trying to meet lots of people's needs, and having lots of thoughts about all of it, but when i only worry in my mind about things i cannot control, and do not give my body a physical outlet for some of that energy/worry, my body starts to come up with some crazy ideas about how to work it out... i think my eczema will flare, too. and considering i've only begun to settle the last flare up, it will not be pretty. trying to accomplish all i've listed while scratching my skin off in "unladylike" places would just be too much, i think... so, once again, TREADMILL TIME IS IMPORTANT.

ok, on a side note...a friend of mine from CAMP called me today to play this song we used to sing, "rainbow made of children" for me. it was funny, because the words were different and it was sung by a band...very different from the only way i'd ever heard it, which was with counselors and campers singing at flagpole...and i've heard it hundreds of times like that. turns out she'd bought the soundtrack to the billy jack movies and this song was on there. someone had changed the words a little and made it a CAMP song...which i found hilarious. so did she. this is probably one of the reasons we're friends... anyway, you tube didn't have the rainbow song on it, but they did have another song she played me called "one tin soldier". i used to sing this at the lutheran church camp i'd attend in the summers. it was really cool to hear it again and it cracked me up that it was on the billy jack soundtrack. sure enough, you tube came through...

peace

also...

i had one of the coolest experiences today...

i ran into a man that used to be a camper at the camp i worked at when i was a teen. i admit it was his disability that originally caught my eye, but when i looked at his face, i completely recognized the smiling eyes. i think it caught him a bit off guard when i told him where i recognized him from...i don't think he recognized me at all. but he came and sat down later to talk to me. he works at the rock climbing gym now.

it was really, really cool. it only made me a feel a little old...and a lot happy.

peace

and the hits just keep coming....

i've been kind of busy lately...so let me just rattle for a few...

--first, residency has been a difficult time. i can tell you ways it's changed my spouse. and, in all fairness to me, it's because i want to be understanding that i think about how this has stretched him and challenged him...perhaps, making it more difficult for him to be a kind, gentle spouse. but i am starting to wonder how i've changed, too. i think primarily i've changed in my attitudes toward him...but maybe there's more to it. i guess i should get my eyes back on my own page...

--then there's this whole drive to the grand canyon with my two sils and their families, but not my husband (who is, you know, their brother...the-rapist called him the glue that binds me to the rest of the folks i'm camping with...binds...funny word choice, you think?). and i was really in denial for quite some time that the hospital would not let him go...kept thinking there had to be a catch...they were pulling our chains. then i figured out they were quite serious about him not being able to do this...he would, in fact, have to be at work. (where he already spends so many hours a week, but i'm talking about camping, not the hospital, right?) so we're ready....almost. then today, my second born walks in with fever and a raging headache, almost in tears, looking like hell. we're assuming it's the strep throat his older brother had last week. and i, the chief mindfucker extraordinaire, am trying to just let...it...go and accept...however...things...turn...out.

--i do want to say, that in the face of all of this...i am reading the most hilarious book in the world. ok, i don't know that it's the funniest book in the world, but it is pretty freaking hilarious... there are many things i am, but unwilling to laugh in the face of adversity is not one of them. i picked this up at the library (after contemplating running away and never returning vs. jumping off, i don't know, something tall?...ugh, it was a tough weekend...but in all fairness, i think there were a lot of things going on at once, not the least of which was i was tired) after a friend had recommended it awhile back. ok, well, maybe she's mentioned it more than once...but i had no idea how funny it could possibly be. i stayed up late reading it just because i could not stop. (which no, did not help the tiredness, but sometimes you just gotta choose...) so here's the link to the book.

--and one last thing...mean people suck. which i realize is not a very nice statement. but sometimes, even when you know a population needs to be embraced, and even though you do embrace that population in your heart of hearts, you just can't help but feel a little short on patience sometimes. so mean people, let's pull it together. please.

ok, i think that's about it. my head is starting to hurt, but i am just going to ignore it....and i'm definitely not going to mindfuck it...definitely not...
peace

worn out

we had a lovely weekend. some friends came to visit...one of those unique situations where the kids get along, the parents get along, we're all great friends... it was a lot of fun watching the kids just fall into step right alongside each other. the smiles, the laughs...if that doesn't heal you, well, i'm sorry... we spent the fourth of july with them and with the mama's family...and again, it was neat how we all fell in step with her family. it was fun, we laughed a lot...they're all pretty wonderful people.

then we ran off to a funeral on saturday. i know, i know...buzz kill, huh? but it wasn't bad...it was actually quite nice, as funerals go. saw a lot of folks we hadn't seen in a really long time.

then we came home and had yesterday, which sucked, but i donwannatalkabout... the oldest and i did get the tent set up and waterproofed and swept out. today we have A LOT of stuff to do. packing, first aid kit, packing the camping box, getting the hydration packs ready....stuff like that. i'm sure there's more, but that's plenty for today. i think i'll get another cup of coffee real quick...
peace

ps--i'd like to add a link to a post on the blog no impact man on my blog roll. i hadn't read it in awhile, and this one spoke to me because it talks about pointing fingers and divisiveness and how they can delay progress toward a solution, which are two things i've been thinking about quite a bit...on a personal scale, but also on a global scale...and he quotes gandhi, which always gets me. peace