Wednesday, July 23, 2008

duality lesson

my oldest son took this picture. i really, really like it. the earth absorbing all the light with its plants and soil...the sky reflecting all that light with its clouds. the ground so soft with colors you can name...the sky so lit with colors you can barely look at much less discern. makes me think of the duality of things. and then i think about how this picture would be different in darkness and it cracks my heart open and lets in a little peace everytime.

it is one of those great little gifts of the universe that my oldest took this picture that brings this peace to me. i think i mentioned in my post about firsts on this vacation that he dropped his first f-bomb last week...probably two or three days after he took this a moment of anger toward one of his cousins and in front of the rest of his cousins, as well as two aunties, an uncle, his brothers, and me. i never doubted that he'd take responsibility for using inappropriate and unkind language in anger with a loved one. but i sure doubted whether or not those loved ones would forgive my son...would see the great kid behind the big, ugly, ominous F-WORD.... i also doubted what they would think of a mother of a son who would utter such profanity...and a father, who happened to spend all his time at a hospital, and maybe they were awful parents, not qualified to raise children if this would be the catastrophic result...i was sick with doubt.

but before i succumbed to my own personal doubt-fest, my oldest and i talked that night about how relationships can be so wonderful sometimes, and so difficult other times. about how we can be so proud of some of the things we do, and so ashamed of others. and which is real? how do we define things? i told him what i believe about him and what i believe is the true nature of people. but i know he has to choose these things for i chose for myself. and while i may be pretty certain in my ideals, i often find it difficult to put feet to them and get them to walk.

one thing about parenting this particular child...he is not afraid like i was as a child, like i sometimes still am as an adult. i mean, he has fears and insecurities, yes...but he has no delusion of being perfect like it did. i still have such a physical response to that fear...i was dry heaving the morning after this f-bomb occurred. and it wasn't like he jumped out of bed with a spring in his step...but i noticed, as i stayed awake trying to work through my anxieties, that he slept fairly quietly. i think he has a more natural understanding of the way people can be more than one thing, the way he himself can be more than one well as faith that other people understand this, too.

my son did apologize. i never told him to. he cried when he did it, i believe because he sincerely felt sorry for hurting his cousin and probably also because he was a little embarrassed. i think it affected everyone who bore witness to this first f-bomb out of his mouth and his apology afterward...gave us a chance to experience that duality...that good and bad...that ground and sky...hurt and healing...fuck and sorry.


JO said...

He is such a wonderful kid and is growing into an equally wonderful young man. He is truly beautiful.

earthmama said...

thank you so much for saying that. <3