letting go

it has been interesting to go through the last few days trying to be aware of the things i'm holding onto as permanent that aren't...and trying to let go of that. it almost forces you to stay more flexible, more loose, more open. it makes me hesitant to define things because i'll probably just have to go back and let go of that, too. maybe i'll get better at truer or more flexible definitions, but i really don't know. i do know that i'm not ready for that step yet because i am still barely learning to walk in this first step.

so in the midst of all of this...i mean, i'm still hsing, and mom-ing, and sistering, and wife-ing, and friending, and daughtering...we had a rough night last night. it was over money. which has been an issue for my family since my spouse left pharmacy and started med school. but even the first couple of years, he worked as a pharmacist when he wasn't in class and it worked. the last two years were a little slimmer, but alright. but now? sigh... with the economy getting tougher, our children getting older, and our savings dwindling...it's kind of...well, i won't define it...but it brought me to my knees for awhile last night. and there's not even that much to say about it. i know things will change. i will try to stay open to answers as they come to me and flexible when i realize something hasn't been working. and i will work to be accepting of it. to work together with my spouse...not let some judgment of good or bad lead to exaggerated emotions...it's all you can really do, right? i mean, there are certainly things that can change. but there are things we don't want to change as a family. and we just have to figure out what is what and how hard to work to maintain what we value. well, that sounds easy enough...

i don't mean to be a buzzkill talking about my money woes. i just had to let a little of this out. sometimes fears are so big, but then when you define them, see a way through them, they're not so much anymore.

now to pay bills...
peace