observing

i've noticed something about myself...i'm getting better at observing my emotions without putting myself in the middle of them, rubbing them into my hair, and wearing them as though they identify me.

i don't know when i noticed this, so i definitely don't know when i actually started stepping back from my feelings a bit and learning to observe them without identifying myself by them. it was interesting last night because i felt kind of crappy. some moments i sort of felt like crying, others i felt like no one really understands me ever, and then every now and then i just felt like my family sucked. i never really jumped into any of those or felt them very deeply. i was aware of them, but figured i was probably just tired and irritable and so i mostly ignored them.

well, later i was talking to my spouse...kind of relating what i've written here. i was telling him that i was having a sinus headache and had just started my period and that my emotions were probably somewhat related to those events. but then i told him that really, as i'd been starting my period (because now that i'm over 30, it takes a few days to actually get the process started for me), what i'd truly noticed, outside of emotions or feelings or whatever...in the way of things that were not emotional or behavioral...was that my back was sore, i felt tired, my head hurt a little, and i tend to ache in my left ovary, which i do get tired of and irritable about. the rest of my pms, i venture, is learned and habitual. this is what i'm thinking anyway...

there's a lot of potential in that thought, but frankly, i'm too tired to develop it right now. i'm content to know that my family in fact does not suck, some people do indeed understand at least a little of me, and the crying? well, i suspect it would've helped if i would've just let myself do it without a particular problem in mind, but either way it's alright...

and he didn't mind as we listened to brandi carlile as we fell asleep last night... <3
peace