r.i.p. little guy

so, one of our rabbits died today. we knew it would happen eventually. but it was our little fuzzy white one, fizgig...named after the little white fuzzy creature in that jim henson movie, the dark crystal. he came from a breeder who couldn't care for her 150 rabbits...first they were seized, but then she surrendered them. we had no idea how old he was and all the rabbits we got in that group had so many health issues from neglect. we've had him for a couple of years and for that, we're grateful. dh buried him in our backyard tonight. one thing that surprised me was my teenager's reaction. he cried and cried...big, hard sobs. he and i talked about it tonight. first, he felt guilty...and i don't blame him. this is the first time i've seen a dead bunny, but i've had to have one put down before and that sucked. and i felt guilty. something so small and helpless...seems like i should've been able to do something to save it. the other rabbit i've lost was a mama that had babies at my house...we were told she was a male. when i took her to get spayed, they lost her on the table. and i remember crying a lot over her, too. but i told my oldest that we did the best we could taking care of our little friend...and that it was okay to feel sad over losing a little part our lives. my teen did say he was kind of surprised by how strongly he felt over losing fizgig. my youngest said he wished it had been the rabbit who bites sometimes when he's hungry that would've died. ahh...the circle of life.

peace

chilling a little

on the hormone front, i mean...

when i get that way, all high school hormonal, it's kind of miserable, kind of ridiculous. i was telling someone about labor with my second born the other day...my stepmom was there for that one...and i was getting a little tired, a little fried, a little scattered, losing my focus. there were so many folks in the room and part of me, a big part of me, wanted one of them to do something to make this better. and my mom whispered in my ear, "you're the only one who can finish this." and like poof, everything came into focus, i got my energy centered in myself, and just pushed that baby boy right out. and that's kind of how i feel when i get all hormonal...like i'm waiting for someone else to make this better, fix this, smooth it out, hand me a beer, something... but then i remember that i'm the one who has to walk this journey. i don't walk it alone, but if i don't move my feet, no one else will. so i walk...

my mind is a loud place. i think, especially at my most hormonal, all.the.time. it's like the opposite of being lazy, but the same effect. it takes a lot of work for me to quiet my mind. kind of like it takes a lot of work to engage children. and when you feel lazy, and don't engage the kids, it gets really loud in the house. which is alright sometimes. it's just part of life. but maybe you start to figure out that the noise is about to drive you nutso and instead of intervening, being the adult and engaging the kids, you start yelling at the kids and making them responsible. (yeah, yeah, i know all about this pattern) well, that's how it is with my head. it gets loud in there sometimes. and like i said, when i am the most hormonal, it is like a zoo. i can't even think there's so much shit flying through there...most of it not coherent and almost all of it emotionally charged in some way but not making sense...it's kind of weird. so i have to stop being lazy and focus. i usually focus on my breathing first. and a voice in my head goes, "uh, what are we doing here? seriously? this is it? b..o...r...ing" and it's hard. but it's like when i was training for those half marathons, sometimes i just have to push through. it feels weird pushing through something as low-impact as quieting your mind and focusing on your breathing...i swear there are times i've broken a sweat on my lip with the effort. but just like when you can feel your legs getting stronger, your lungs carrying you further, i can feel when i'm getting more focus...less scattered...more centered and less fried.

so that's that. i'm staying busy. getting stuff done. laughing. schooling. cooking. (man, i've been in such a cooking/dietary slump lately...) and writing. i really missed blogging regularly. i must keep this up. now, if i could just get that treadmill back into my life....

peace

emotionally fried

not really, but i'm all high school hormonal and that's just the exaggerated phrase that comes to mind...

first of all, i am tired. i slept well last night, but after staying out late for the indigo girls concert thursday and then being up with a constantly coughing five year old friday night, i am sleepy. said five year old continued to cough all day yesterday, which was emotional in that one, i could not figure out how to settle the cough and that sort of helplessness is one i do not surrender to well at all and two, we spent the day with family which meant lots of, "oh, he sounds awful" and "geez, what's he got?" and "i don't know, are you sure it's just allergies?" and "has he seen a doctor?" and bla bla bladdy bla bla which only compounded the previously mentioned helpless feeling. last night, though, the five year old crashed the hell out on the way home and stayed asleep and quiet in his humidified room (with some benadryl and cough syrup on board). it was blissful to all who were allowed to sleep along with.

now, i'm also feeling fried because there are some issues going on with family that i could recount. (ok, i already have recounted...that lanatron...she deserves sainthood...) but i won't spend the time doing that because while there are issues that are heartbreaking and truly lend themselves to all sorts of mindfucking, the point of the whole thing is that my choices in this situation are not central and don't need to be the focus of anything but say, what i think about as i wash my hair or do the dishes. all i can do is pray and be supportive when my path crosses into this situation. and that's what i've been doing, so it shouldn't take a lot of energy to maintain a path. others in the situation may be changing tact, adn they may be getting ready to send some giant assed fucking waves slamming into everyone else, but...they may not be. and i have no control over that and need to stop worrying about it because, as far as i know, worry has not been proven to change a damned thing other than, perhaps, shortening one's life span...but i'm not sure those studies were conclusive.

remember the other day when i mentioned how tricky "so honey, how was your day?" can get... well, i was talking to a friend of mine who is a nurse practitioner in the e.r. and she said the thing that just named the heart of my feelings..."in situations like that, there is just no right answer..." yeah, what she said. i don't really like giving details of the situations that arise with my spouse's work...hippa and all. but i think it's pretty obvious that in ob/gyn, there arise many questions about mother's life vs. baby's life...quality of those lives...termination of lives...decisions that affect both...when my spouse and i discuss these issues, we often play "devil's advocate" to each other's points of view. at least this is what i think happens...it's not like we declare it or anything. i think we just feel the complexity of the issues and keep trying to shine light in the weaker parts of each other's arguments.

anyway...there are no right answers...that was as though someone had stated the most simple yet most central truth in my thoughts lately. there are no right answers in this stuff with my family. there are no right answers when it comes to hsing. we each have to find our own answers...the ones we can live with...the ones that seem the truest to us...the ones we feel benefit what we hold most dear...and these are not always easy choices...they often require a lot of strength...the kind of strength i cannot gain by lifting weights or running or whatever...they require a kind of strength i find difficult these days...the ability to quiet my mind and listen to my heart...i am eating junk food lately and filling my mind with quite a bit of junk, too...distractions, computer games, daydreams...it really does feel like high school....all these feelings, all this anxiety, no desire to act. of course, it isn't always like this, thank GOD...it is a drag when it is like this, but it's not constant. and i definitely think it is exacerbated by other factors...being tired, for example...spending lots of time with family and their issues...eating junk food...

but now that i've gotten this off my chest, i think i'll go get some stuff done. i think the-rapist calls it recharging or filling my tank or blessing myself, nurturing myself, something like that. in high school, i just slept a lot. but it's not completely high school all over again...

peace

last night was awesome

the indigo girls were amazing. i have never stood so close to the stage before. i really wish i had thought to bring my teenager...i am pretty sure he would've loved it. but as it is, i had an awesome time with my spouse, my sister, and her partner. amy and emily were just amazing...

but i have to blog about their opening act...terri hendrix. i first saw terri hendrix years ago at a show my mother and i went to one night. i thought she was great. i went out and bought her cd, willory farm. i didn't realize she was opening for the girls last night...and she was really awesome. here are some songs i heard last night that i'd never heard before that really stuck with me...


and

and due to technical difficulties, that's all i got.
peace

hey guess what?

i've been feeling the little bean bumping around in there...awwww.... but seriously, if i sit scrunched up at all, it gets kind of uncomfortable. (as the bean thinks, "well yeah, no shit...how about some room?")

my spouse and i are going to see the indigo girls tonight. this is well-timed by someone other than me...i did not foresee what a craptastic week my spouse and i would be having going into this. but i'm telling you, you just can't feel pissy when you know you're going to see the girls. so we get an auto reset...for tonight anyway.

we had our annual/semi-annual homeschool blow-out tuesday night. the one where he gets all anxious and feels the need to air his "concerns" over hsing and i get defensive and tell him his worries are not my responsibility and he tells me it's not all about me and i tell him then talk about hsing without talking about me and then it gets quiet...and i'm not sure if it's because i've made a point, struck a nerve, or we've just worn ourselves out getting to that point and have no more steam. (it usually takes at least a couple of hours...)

i get that this makes him nervous. i get that this is different from what he knows. shit...i don't recall any warm hsing mornings with my moms or dads...i was usually one of the first kids dropped off at school and one of the last picked up. no, wait, my great-grandparents and grandparents usually picked me up until i started walking home in second grade...so, uh, yeah, this is a little different for me, too. but he still refuses to learn anything about it...you know, read a book, pick up a hsing magazine, look through some curriculum catalogs, TALK TO SOME OF OUR HSING FRIENDS...(emphasized only because that is just the easiest one and why the fuck won't he do it?...) anyway...i have to say...the universe...she looks out for me...well, she looks our for us, but i'm going to talk about me for a minute because while it may not ALL be about me, at least a little of it is, and that's the part i'm going to talk about.

one of the things mr. dad was so bent about the other night was that my oldest isn't getting chemistry this coming school year. now, my oldest and i, we are not bent about this. we figure everything in its own time. but my spouse wants my oldest to have every possible opportunity in life and while i assume this does not mean i should investigate sex change operations (hey! that'd open a whole new world of possibilities, wouldn't it?) it did, to mr. dad, mean we should look into some chemistry, perhaps even resulting in mrs. mom teaching it. (i'm telling you, sometimes the shit mr. dad comes up with...it's crazy stuff, srsly...) the chemistry thing has to do with a program offered in our area (that oldest has shown NO interest in, not that that matters to mr. dad) that requires chemistry before applying...so there's that background. i don't know...mr. dad just gets worked up about the "what if's" when it comes to hsing. (and i guess i'll explain, for morbid intensity's sake that oldest has a summer birthday and actually has an extra year to play around with on these meeting requirements and age of application rules should he develop a burning desire to attend this program i am not even sure we can afford...oh yes, i had to bring that up...so there's all the background you could want and more...see how fun this shit gets in the teen years?)

anyway...yesterday, at our chess club, this uber-science-y (yes, i made that word up) mom starts talking to me about how she really wants to teach her fifteen year old son chemistry at home but that his mr. dad wants him to have a smart co-student to learn with and is my almost fifteen year old smart in science and would he like to participate should she be able to talk her husband into letting her teach it because she thinks it would really help her get her way if she found another kid who likes science for their child to work with?..........uh, let me think about this for a minute..........uh, hell yeah?

i mean, do you ever have those moments where you're looking at someone and wondering just who the hell they are and why they're asking this very thing you just fought with your spouse about for hours last night and how the hell did they know that and who are they kidding and where are the cameras and who's playing this joke because it is not funny and i just might cry because i AM hormonal these days if i haven't mentioned that already?.......

so i felt just a tiny bit smug after that. because while this arrangement with this other family may or may not work out...and i'm really okay either way...it was an awesome reminder (in my little mind) that opportunities come up and needs get met and i will not always be the only one solely responsible for meeting the needs of my kids because, whether people want to admit it or not and whether they like it or not, we are a tribe and we do influence each other and for the most part, it is a really good thing.

the end.

peace.

blah

i'm not totally blah...just kind of off and on blah....just wanted to clarify that.

i was kind of pissed at my husband. he brought home a six pack of beer a few days ago. now, i've never been one of those "i can't drink so you can't drink" kind of wives when i'm pregnant. well, i never thought i was. truth is, he's always been one of those "you can't drink so i won't drink" kind of husbands. but apparently, he doesn't feel like being that kind of husband anymore. and so now, i realize i'm kind of one of those "icdsycd" wives...are you with me on the shorthand? i'd really like to be one of those "hey, it's no big deal, drink away" kind of wives...i would. but being pregnant at thirty-five with a teen and at the end of this freaking eternal med school/residency thing...i'm just not one of those. i tried it on for a day or two and nope, it just wasn't my thing. made me feel like one of those "laugh it up fuzzball...drink you ass off...and i'll kill you while you sleep" kind of wives. well, just a little bit, but i prefer not to be one of those types of wives at all if i can possibly avoid it. and i am avoiding it. i sent the beer to my bil's house. (who had the freaking nerve to tell me, on his brother's behalf, that nine months is a long time...oh? really? i had no fucking clue....) oops...feeling a little bitter here...

so, it's not like bringing home a six pack was unforgivable. i'm really working on forgiveness. (forgivishness...forgot all about it until this very second...doh) it's more that feeling of we might be in this together, but really, it's on me. but maybe i'm just hormonal...and the truth is that as much as this bothers me at times, i just don't feel like thinking all that much about it. but i can't deny, when i see my spouse, right now, my general feeling is just sort of blah...with a hint of forgivishness.

peace

scarcity of humans

not really, but here's my story...

so my phone hasn't worked for the past three or four days. you call and it sends you immediately to some computerized voice mail that i don't know how to access. and you can't call out because there is no dial tone. as a matter of fact, all of my phones that have a light to show when the line is in use have had that light on for the last three or four days. so i called last friday to the phone company to report my phone troubles. i got a computer voice asking me to press buttons for the things that applied to me. so i played along. the questions were pretty specific with "press one for yes, two for no" prompts at the end of the question. which was fine, but i think there were times the computer said "press one for no, two for yes" which was confusing the hell out of me, but then i was trying to clean up the kitchen while i was calling and probably should've stopped to devote my full attention (what's left of it) to this task. anyway...i wasn't even sure what the computer resolved because i heard "between 8am and 7pm" but had no idea what or who was doing what between those hours or on what day they were doing them. but then the computer hung up and i guess we were finished... and the lights stayed on all weekend. and the phone never rang. and we didn't make calls on our phones. (and frankly, i kind of liked it...but that's a different post)

so, imagine our shock when we heard our phones ring this morning. my ob/gyn's office set up my next appointment. (i'll have to blog later and tell you about my first appt...and how i like her, but how it's weird going to an appointment in an academic setting and how it's a little utilitarian feeling and, well, let me hold off til i'm actually blogging about THAT...) then my spouse called to tell me when my ultrasound appt is. (i kind of get to cheat a little this pregnancy since he works there...that's kind of nice) and then the phone rang and the phone company was on the caller id. i thought, "ok, cool...they're calling to check on whether it's working now and i can tell them it is and thanks." well, no. it was my friendly computer calling back. if things still needed to be worked on, i should press 2. otherwise, thank you for calling and have a nice day.

weird.... i didn't even get to tell anyone thanks... weirder was i never really even knew if anyone even was aware of my problem or working on it...but apparently yes, and now it's fixed and the end. but it occurs to me that this is kind of how prayer works...

peace out

diversity

she wears me out sometimes....

my dad has always told me variety is the spice of life. the times i've continued to whine, he usually tells me that the world would be a boring place if we all thought the same things...to which i usually respond that it could be a little less of a cluster fuck if we weren't so damned different. it caught me off guard on mother's day when my mother told me the same thing...that the world would be pretty miserable if everyone was the same. now, these parents gave birth to me, so they have that in common. but not so much in common outside of that...and even when it comes to me, our relationships are so, so very different. so there was something kind of cosmic about both of my parents (who have not lived together since about five months after i was born) telling me this.

and i usually embrace diversity. it's something i love about life...for the most part. so why do i whine about it all the time?... i guess it just wears me out sometimes. or maybe i can take it in smallish doses, but when a huge dose comes at me, it's tiring. i don't know.

having a spouse who is an ob/gyn is another thing that wears me out. there are so many "morally ambiguous" issues in ob/gyn. "hi honey, how was your day?" can lead to the most challenging discussions...and when you were just asking a question to create some conversation while you're finishing up dinner prep or resting for a minute before you start the next thing...it can be challenges you just don't feel up to. because my spouse and i are pretty diverse. we don't always see eye to eye on these morally ambiguous issues. and while we both try to embrace diversity and often appreciate it, it is not something we particularly enjoying uncovering in our own relationship...and i can at least say i think we both agree on that point...neither of us enjoys it in our relationship. well, when it comes to these issues. it's hard because he is still a baby baby doctor...still young in finding his groove in this career. he loves it, i'm pretty sure. i don't think i've ever seen him more content. but these gray areas are still new to him and he's still finding his feelings and ideas about practicing and handling these issues. and i don't think it particularly helps him out when his wife doesn't agree with or challenges his choices. but i'm not challenging them because i want to challenge him...most of this stuff i've never even thought about. and it's hard stuff. things no one really wants to think about. so maybe i should try to listen and then go sort out my feelings with someone else... i don't know.

diversity is beautiful...it is. but it is challenging. and challenge has to be the goal...otherwise, we just stay frozen, right? and i know after i run a half marathon, i expect to rest the next day. but after one of these half marathon conversations, which i rarely have time to actually train for, i don't always expect to rest...but i usually need to. let things heal up and get a little stronger. it's how we respond to challenge. i need to just learn to embrace that, now...

peace

still here, still hormonal

but doing alright...

there are so many things i think about in a day. so many things i feel passionately about...at least for that minute i'm thinking it. i guess in some ways, it's good to revisit this tripped out hormonal state...because i had forgotten how maddening and debilitating it can be (and i think it will help me be empathetic as my guys approach or wallow in teen-hood). i can't even beat my high score on this word game i love because 1. my fingers won't type right...i mean, if i told you how many times i have to back up and retype stuff because i keep hitting the wrong keys, you'd probably cry for me and 2. i can't remember how to spell anything...seriously. i just can't. and i'm blaming it all on the hormones. i talked to my kids about this yesterday, and it's like now my teenager "gets" me...he's really nice...or at least, if i snap at him, he doesn't snap back. he just gives me this look full of empathy, pats my shoulder, and walks away... he even let me hit him with a pillow yesterday...and i think that was kind of hard for him because i don't have ninja like reflexes and i'm pretty sure he saw it coming...but he didn't block it. he said it looked like i needed that.

i was trying to support my sil through some stuff with my nephew the other day, but apparently, i don't offer the kind of support she's looking for. so there i was, all ready to give support, and she was avoiding me. it was kind of hurting my feelings until i realized i was trying to help her and that if she wasn't ready for it, i really should back the hell off. oh yeah... so even though that was a little slow in coming, at least i got there....

i told my spouse that my therapist said it would be hard for me to get my needs met in a house full of males...and he got kind of pissed and wanted to know if that was his fault. uhm...i wasn't really prepared for that response. so i asked him if he was having trouble getting some of his own needs met. (well, i should, for the sake of honesty, explain that the first part happened one night and i didn't actually ask him about his needs for another two days...i was pretty pissed at his reaction to my attempt to explain how much it sucks to be so hormonal in a house of selfish, er, i mean men used to me taking care of my own needs...so that's how that went down.) now, he's going to help me try to get the house cleaned up/organized/decluttered. we're picking a project a night...but i know me...we'll be taking some nights off. i'm kind of over the "super-tired" hump, but i found a "yep, still-tired" plateau right on the other side...sigh.

oh, and my sil gave me a diaper bag. it's kind of huge. and she was showing me all the compartments and changing mats and "features"...etc...and i told her she was giving me a little bit of an anxiety attack... oh! and then later that night, over dinner, my husband was talking about the money he would've made if he would've stayed a pharmacist for eight years instead of doing this medical school thing...omg...it's almost enough to drive a pregnant woman to drink. i mean, it was enough for my sil to hand me the wine bottle...sigh.

see, it's not that i don't want to be pregnant. it's just that i was kind of used to being a mom of four...four who were pretty independent and stuff. i mean, there were days and such, but i'm a little insecure about my ability to handle nights with a newborn (ok, this makes me throw up in my mouth just a little), and tantrums, and the mess...oh lord, the mess...i mean, it's not like we don't make messes, too, it's just that baby and toddler messes are so sticky... ok, i must stop myself...this serves no one. i am looking forward to folding a fresh load of clean diapers. smelling new baby smells. hearing those tiny little cries that are (god willing) pretty easy to silence by meeting that need... those moments when you get to eat with two hands because some lovely person has shown up and been charmed by the baby and won't let go... smiles and laughs. big brothers wrapping willingly around that tiny little finger. it'll be good...hell, it'll probably be great. our fourth born was the best idea we never had...and i remember looking at him on his second birthday, my eyes filling with tears, and thinking "what would we ever do without you?" and i can honestly say that this is the first pregnancy that i look forward to every week of...because i really think i may need each of those weeks to prepare for this..."wrap my brain around it" as my therapist and therapist friend like to say (apparently they learn these phrases in school or something). and that is ok...

peace

happy mother's day!

i am feeling a little blue this mother's day...ready for my spouse and robo champion to come home. yep, he and his partner got third place...woo! they're pretty excited... and so am i. but they won't be home until a few hours later than they originally thought...and this was not exciting news.

but, i have to say, it was really sweet today when my bil came and took my guys out to lunch...he's a pretty thoughtful guy. and when my mil left me a message telling me i was a big part of why she feels like the luckiest mil in the world...well...people shouldn't be so nice to someone so tanked up on hormones...it makes them cry a lot.

hope all the mamas are having a lovely day...
peace

violence

i just don't get it...i mean, i get anger...i do. i'm not always sure what to do with it, but i definitely understand the feeling...am quite familiar with it. but violence? actually striking out against someone with the intent to really hurt them? i don't get it...

i talked to my nephew today. he's seventeen. and he got beaten up in the bathroom by another kid on tuesday. a kid at least six inches taller than him. hit in the face, the throat, the chest, the stomach, the ears. over a girl. he didn't fight back. he says it's because in high school, there is no self defense...you swing, you're fighting and you get the fighting consequences. he also says that if he had fought back, he's pretty sure he could've dropped the guy. i'm not sure if he's being completely honest in these admissions...the way our culture is, and the way the other men in his family are, i just don't know how honest he'd be if he had other reasons for not fighting...so i told him about how, spending some time growing up in a house with a stepfather who used to beat up my mother, i found out really quickly that i was not a fighter. that watching someone get so angry and start throwing someone else around, hitting someone else...with rage in their eyes...and the fear in the other person's eyes...pretty much left me unable to move. i don't know if fear drained me or if adrenalin so overpowered my system, i couldn't actually control anything, but whatever it was, all i ever did was stand there. and i used to be ashamed of that. think i should've hit him with a chair or something. something to defend my mother. but i'm not ashamed anymore. it was a crappy situation all around... just like this shit with this guy hitting my nephew. it makes me feel sick. and sad. and angry. and also grateful that my nephew wasn't too hurt and that his physical hurts have healed and that he's willing to talk about it and maybe heal some of the not physical hurts of it all.

i feel bad for this kid who beat up my nephew. i can't help but envision him as this sort of neanderthal. which, in all honesty, is how i'd view my stepfather when he'd get drunk and abusive. it's just the way my mind works. you can look like a normal person one minute, and then swing at my mom, and all of a sudden your arms appear a little longer, your eyebrow a little darker and ridged on your forehead. it takes a few weeks for the vision to fade and eventually, he'd look like himself again, but i can still remember him both ways in my mind. so while i'm sure the child who beat up my nephew is not a neanderthal and probably every bit the picture of youth and possibility and vitality that my nephew is, i just wonder what hurts would lead him to hurt someone else...and did he really think his girlfriend would be so impressed by this violence that she'd stay with him? i guess some girls are...at least i have heard some are, but i haven't really met any of them. which doesn't necessarily mean i don't know any...maybe they just haven't shared that part. anyway, my nephew didn't do anything bad to the girlfriend. as a matter of fact, he was doing quite good things for her...being her friend, listening to her, laughing with her. he'd mentioned her to me a few times. i could tell he liked her. he never did mention she had a boyfriend, though...i guess that wasn't one of his favorite things about her.

i don't know...i have a lot of sympathy for the way the situation played out...it sucked...for everyone at some point or another. the neanderthal, er, i mean other kid has been kicked out of many school organizations he'd participated in. the nephew had to heal a bit. the girlfriend, i'm sure, was distraught over numerous things. but it still makes me feel sick to think of my nephew getting punched...of this other child feeling that punching was the right thing. but i know this is part of life. not my favorite part, but...



peace

swimming

or treading water...

hormones are amazing things...propelling our bodies forward...preparing them for what the future holds...even when our brains just can't wrap around the future.

yesterday was such a blue kind of day. ugh. but today's a little better. i mean, it's early yet...i guess i could still go either way, but i'm feeling like it'll be a little better. yesterday, nothing was making it better. well, i didn't actually buy any fried chicken, so that may have made it better, i guess i'll never know... but it was just one of those "sit in it" kind of days...because i just wasn't motivated to do anything. and i was a little worried... but then i thought about how i'd probably feel better if i just went to bed early. and it was kind of hard. because my spouse and second born left for four days this morning...and i really wanted to be in a better place the night before...but sometimes i want blue or brown eyes or cooler weather or to have a bigger house and, well, wanting it doesn't just change what is. so i went to bed early. and woke up again and again thinking surely my spouse had fallen asleep on a floor somewhere and would be late meeting the other dad and robo-kiddo going on the trip. but i'd find him getting his stuff together somewhere...probably enjoying that i wasn't tsking or sighing every time he'd reach for something he wanted to take that i didn't think he needed, wanting us to go to bed at a decent hour, being frustrated he was keeping us up. (i guess i have some stuff to work on there...when i'm not always exhausted and feel the need to stay up and be "helpful"....)

so i woke up in a better mood today. woke the whole house up to say good-bye to our family members who'd be gone. wish them luck. tell them how much fun they'd have. (ok, my spouse wasn't the one who needed all the reassurance...second born was a little nervous about the whole thing...and rightfully so...this is big stuff...exciting, cool, fun stuff...i'm thrilled for him)

i'm actually kind of glad my spouse will be gone for awhile. sometimes, when i'm having a rough time, i want him to help me out. which is nice and he tries, but when i'm feeling really low, he's really no help. he doesn't know what to do. he wants to help me the way i want the house clean...i really, really want it...i know it will make lots of things better and it's important to me...but there are so many more attractive distractions and i really only get around to doing something about it a fraction of the time i wish i did. and i'm okay with this. i don't particularly like wading into the depths of my spouse's personal shit, anymore than i like cleaning bathrooms. so it's good for him to leave for a bit, so i can find my own feet again. i just wrote about depression being a hole we fall down, down, down in...waiting for someone or something to grab us and stop the descent...and it's not until we realize that we're the ones that have to stop it by standing on our own two feet that we actually stop sinking lower. i realized that last night. that with dh leaving, i'd probably find my feet. and it was good. i mean, it's not like i had to kick him out...we already had this trip planned...good stuff. things working out, and all that jazz.

there are a lot of things i am working through, i guess. and the extra hormones are making it all feel like i'm trying to do this in fog and on drugs or something. i don't know... plus i think i have allergies going on, but i'm in denial, which means i'm not doing my neti pot, which means i'm having allergies and not helping myself...what is that mechanism??? it's so not helpful but so deeply ingrained in me. anyway...i'm actually using my writing journal lately. i guess some stuff is kind of deep and feels too raw to put on a blog. i'd like to think if i air a bit, look it over on paper, i'd find it not so big and scary and go ahead and write about it here. i've stopped writing much at all, and i'm sure that's not helping me either. i also need to get back on the treadmill regularly...but i think these are probably things i'll move back towards...now that i've got a few days on my own...where who's responsible for what is a little clearer. i'm optimistic...and that itself feels like sunshine.

peace

can i just say?

that with a pregnant mama, a teenager, and a preteen...plus a dad approaching thirty-five who's feeling inactive and unhealthy (but swears he loves what he does)...the levels of hormones in my house right now...IF hormones were flammable...could blow the windows and the doors off IF someone were to strike a match.

that's all.
peace

real quick like...

here's a quote from the mama blogging at cage free family...

I also learned (and this is, secretly, my biggest lesson so far)... It is okay to ask for help and that difficult moments and trials are not a reflection of my inadequacies, but rather platforms for me to work my strengths... to flex my muscles.

there have been many, many things i have wanted to blog about. mostly, i forget what they are because, let's face it, i'm pregnant and have four kids already and my memory is just not working at the level i'd become accustomed to. sometimes, though, i don't get around to blogging because this is just one of those times that you get to confront lots of things, figure out lots of stuff, and there isn't always time or words to capture what you're feeling, what you're realizing, and all the damned light that keeps shining. i have read many, many things that i have related to so deeply...maybe that's the deal for now, my words don't come from my mouth (or fingers) but from others... whatever it is, these words capture a lot, oh, A LOT, of what i've been thinking about lately in some shape, form, fashion, or other.

hoping i'll get back soon...
peace