Monday, May 5, 2008

learning to be a little more independent (sort of...)

i think when i doubt myself, i project that doubt on others...and it requires a lot of contact, reaffirmation, whatever to work through that doubt. realizing that has been powerful, but again, it's given me a level of responsibility i did not have before because i was not aware of it.

i receive a lot of support. i know that. it's just been the kind of month where you figure that out, i guess. and it takes confidence, or at least a level of acceptance, in myself to believe others are supporting me and not working against me or conspiring against me. (yeah, yeah, egomaniac with an inferiority complex, right annie?)

it also takes an awareness in what is motivating me and what i am doing to be able to accept that support from others...and then to reflect that support in common journeys and shared experiences...and individual hearts, too. but again, i have had to find at least some of the truth in myself before i can truly accept others' belief in me...and not be molded by their belief or dependent on that.

working through that and past that has required a lot of consciousness and awareness....and sometimes paranoia, or self-doubt, or just vanilla negativity slip in when you aren't looking and start hijacking or just fucking with the energy. alvin and the chipmunks in the background also increases the challenge.

but the rain today comforts and inspires me and i do still like this song...even though i'm only now really beginning to learn how to dance to it.

i want to post this video of anne lamott...if you've never see her or read her or met her, let me be the first to introduce you. the you tube pickings were slim for annie, but i do like a lot of what she says in this one...

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