eve eve

so it's new year's eve eve, right? oh, just get the hell on with it and let's get this new year started already!...

yeah, i'm still sunshiney and all...

yesterday's therapy included just laying on my bed, not allowing lists to formulate in my mind...just resting in myself, listening to my heartbeat, my breath. man...it felt like waking up in a new climate. well, waking up in the bathtub was definitely like waking up in a new climate...literally. but not putting my mind forward in time...trying to anticipate, run damage control, plan, get ahead, try to remember, try to forget... it was like when my kids have the tv on loud and i've got the radio on and then the power goes out...and everything gets so quiet. even the refrigerator shuts up (although i never realize how loud the fridge is until it's off). that's how it felt during my own little self led therapy session yesterday. then i fell asleep. which was probably just icing on my cake....chocolate, of course.

i am hoping tomorrow to write some sort of resolutions....prayers....hope for myself....goals that if i put them into words, might help me stay on track to working toward them. but i will be sure to drink a glass of wine first so as not to get all idealistic and crap....because i do not need to be setting myself up for failure. that would just really get me on one of my more cynical days.

ok, still have some detoxing to do. i think it will just take time. and my smudge stick. and some help from N with a little personal space. but maybe we'll go blow a gift certificate too. a little retail therapy. after we find some more stuff to donate, of course...hehe...my inconsistency is hanging out...oh well...

peace

blah

i just don't feel well today... i'm sore, i'm tired, my stomach feels sour. probably all the damn lone star my dad left here. i've only had one or two a night, but i think that might be it...drinking turpentine in a can can't be good for you, right?

maybe it's a virus...n doesn't feel great either. seems to feel a lot like i do right now. but then i also feel uber hormonal. and i think my period is coming. i kind of lost track with the holidays and all... sometime in the next week...so pms is likely.

i've been feeling kind of toxic. like emotionally toxic. but then i took it easy today...rested...fell asleep in the bathtub (wow, that's disorienting)...took a nap. i feel a little better. i'll just have to keep it low key for a few more days. and i want to eat total crap, too. that's annoying....

so today, e was giving me a kiss. and he kisses my collar, and i say "thanks" and he says, "unfortunately, i ashkually kissed your shirt..." he has the best words. i really love it when he tells me he does something "askidentally."

n went to a friend's house yesterday. he was invited to spend the night, and i think if i hadn't asked him he would've done it. but when i explained that i didn't really know the parents all that well and would he be comfortable handling whatever might come up, well, he decided he'd hang til nine or ten and then ask me or dad to pick him up. i hope i'm not freaking him out, making him weird or distrustful...but it felt good to speak openly and honestly with him and have him come up with a solution he was comfortable with.

o is a wii addict. and he's not a very pleasant teammate. which is something that responds well to dad therapy....this is where the dad is his teammate and makes occasional errors and that helps the eight year old to break the habit of saying, "man, what's your problem?" every time his teammate makes a mistake. he has the damned cutest dimples in the world, though....both sets.

and s is cool as ever. he is so me. but i like him so much more most of the time. he takes all the quirks we share and makes them so much more endearing than i do. he shows me how to be a better, more patient person all the time.

ok, just had to get those out. these are some damned fine kids i get to walk with. so glad they picked us...whether or not they'll admit it.

ok, maybe not so blah after all....maybe more bla....
peace

gifts

i'm really just not ready to talk about christmas yet...

i mean, it was good. spending time with family always gives lots of gifts. some of them you might actually open your hand up and take, and others, well, maybe not... i'm sure i'll have tons to say about it another time...

so i watched narnia today. and i love that movie. i loved the book, too....and the audio book is amazing. michael york reads it. but the movie's great. liam neeson as the jesus character...uh, yeah, right up my alley.

so the other day, i was thinking about how when edmund is reunited with his siblings, aslan says what's done is done...not to talk about the past. and it occurred to me, "wow, that's what forgiveness is. believing each person is learning from their mistakes...not having to be the one to teach them." that's kind of huge for me. from both ends of the statement.

so tonight...i was just noticing how aslan doesn't ask anything of people. they show up...he might direct them...maybe...but he doesn't demand things from people. but how the white witch just demands, bullies, brutalizes... maybe these things are obvious to others...but they felt new to me as i watched tonight.

and then i was aware of different feelings i had...like i really admire lucy for insisting she'd been to narnia. i mean, when i was a kid, i was totally aware adults wouldn't have thought the whole "land in the wardrobe" idea realistic. i probably would've completely repressed it and never gone back to that freaking weird wardrobe... and i would've completely immobilized my character with wondering what was all my fault...should i have noticed edmund leaving? should i have gotten him a man coat? (would that've made things better...) i spend too much time wanting to rewrite and not dealing well with what's already on the books...

ok, enough. my resources are low. i am grateful for the time i've had with families, the opportunities to serve and be served, the gifts given and received... i know i have to get out of my comfort zone to grow, and i'm grateful for those opportunities, too. but for now, i am tired and weary and ready to rest...

peace
(and happy late christmas)

some thinking time...

this has been a difficult month...yes, it's the christmas rush. yes, there's much pressure...time wise, money wise, even love wise...because ultimately, that's what it's about, right? we're trying to buy the perfect give because we love someone (or LOTS of someones), there's a deadline, and money is not infinite (at least not for most of us). but it's also been N's month to work nights, and that has also been exhausting. i'm sure it's been hellacious for him, but i'm not him. i can say with absolute surety that it's been very, very hard for me, though. i don't sleep well without him here. i can only assume this is about his energy presence in the house, because usually i fall asleep after he has. but i have been unable to fall asleep until about two, when i just pass out exhausted. which has greatly affected my emotions. which has all come together to leave me feeling rather edgy, bitter, bitchy, tired, grouchy, frustrated, unhappy, weepy, and just generally unhealthy and unpleasant.

and i'm ashamed to say i've been sharing quite a bit of this psychic germ... with anyone who will listen, really. so when a friend yesterday was emailing back and forth and listed the things going on in her life, and one of those things listed was "friends all feeling crappy" and then concluded "just another day on planet Earth" well, i felt kind of weird. because i thought, well, yeah, i guess it's not unusual that i'm complaining. and it made me think about what's going on with me and how to change it.

so last night i meditated before bed...or while falling asleep. i do it most nights, but i haven't done it at all this month. i could feel knots waiting to have a little attention paid them, so i focused on them, and they relaxed considerably. i felt so much more aligned, relaxed when i fell asleep. it's weird the things we leave behind without even so much as a second thought, until we start to notice the side effects of their absence. then we're motivated to get back to where we need to be... i also have running clothes on today. we'll see if i make it up there...but it feels good just to remember i have these clothes and the comfort they bring for whatever reason that i am not sure of now but don't care...i just know it's a good thing, and that's enough.

a funny thing is...i had a dream last night. haven't had one of those in awhile. it was about a mama i share cyberspace with. i've never met her, but i've seen pics of her and her children. (she writes the on the upswing blog listed in my blogroll) it was such a pleasant, just hanging out kind of dream. she came to visit me because she knew i was down. we went to her house and hung out with her kids. it was good. funny thing....she drove with her young son in her lap the whole time. i'm fairly certain he rides in a car seat in real life, but in this dream she had him on her lap because that's where he wanted to be and that's where she wanted him, and it just felt so damn natural, it was alright. it was neat. she also had a really nice voice. i wonder what my mind was trying to tell me with that dream?

it was just nice to check in with myself. i was being lead by my head, but my heart was, i don't know, somewhere else...i had to go find it and sit with it a bit. i'm glad i did... i wish i wouldn't forget to do it sometimes, but i guess that's just how the universe works....peaks and valleys...comings and goings.

so today has been perfect and wonderful. just kidding... but it's bearable. we haven't gotten much done, and there are so many things i want to get done. i think that's why my neck is so goofed up...all the anxiety i've been carrying around. but i've gotten some stuff taken care of and the kids are playing a marathon game of monopoly. n is winning--i think he's played fairly, too, because he's being quite humble about owning boardwalk and park place and having houses on all his properties, not to mention he just sounds surprised to be doing so well. and they all seem to be getting along and i am grateful for that. i think i'll go work on the jigsaw a bit and then decide which project i want to attempt this afternoon, once N is awake.

peace

cookies and power

i am a baking fool these days. ok, not really. but i meant to be. i had planned to be. and i was going to give a lot of those cookies i would produce in my baking foolery to rock gym teachers and neighbors. well, i put in a solid two and a half hours baking last night, and came up with 18 peanut butter cookies and four dozen chocolate/butterscotch cookies. i guess it'll have to do... i mean, i can bake more tomorrow and such, but for the two places i need to deliver cookies today...this will ahve to do. how is it that christmas cheer and good intentions can sometimes turn into, "well, whatever..." (and i took out all the bad words from that last part because it just didn't feel right...)

my number one son is pushing some of my buttons lately. now, he is the best button pusher. i think his leg up on that comes from being the first and original button pusher. but i also know it has something to do with his personality....how i over identify with some of it and how i am over mortified by other parts (well, truly, they're probably the same parts). but he is on this power thing lately and, well, i am hoping he makes it through this intact....as in, i don't rip him limb from limb. because really, i have no rational desire to do that. but when he is bossing his brothers around, insulting them, and just generally shitting upon them...i just get this weird tingly feeling and kind of want to hurt him. i know, i know, he's my son!.... but so are they. and i am torn....maybe that's why i want to do a little tearing. which is probably the same shit that gets him in trouble... oi... so i'm modeling appropriate behavior and i'm praying for enlightenment...for both of us....hell, for all of us.

maybe it's working...my eight year old just came in and said, "mom, burps have a taste." i asked, "oh, what do they taste like?" and he said, "whatever you were drinking....if it's water, they don't taste like anything." [insert big, dimpled smile]

i think i'll count that as a ray of light coming on down....
peace

a meme and a little hehe

so hoperadio suggested a meme, and since it's been a few days, i'm going to use it... i don't know how revealing this will be, but i'm learning how to upload pics on here, so this was also a good chance to try it. here's my computer area. (sans me) it used to be a lot more interesting, i suppose, but now that it's in the living room, i try to keep it at least fairly neat. like, those books over there on the left of the screen are usually spilling off of the left side, but i started that about a month ago. and it makes sense, because i use those books a lot...but for some reason i tend to resist too much organization. hence, the stack of crap on the right of the screen. there's the cd organizer in the back of it, and that's fairly effective, although cd's will occasionally pile up right in front of it, so i'm not completely sold on it. and the stack is held in by a pencil organizer that also strikes me as a bit much, but i actually really like. it's good to look for a pencil and, lo, there one is... :)

the kids' christmas lists are to the left of the keyboard and there are pictures of two of those kids above the computer. on the left is the nine year old and on the right is the eight year old. those are my dh's favorite baby/toddler pics of them. nine year old is pouting BIG TIME in his...which is cute because he's a pretty calm, peaceful, cheerful fellow. and it's all topped off by some christmas cards and decorations...woo-hoo!

ok, one more pic... we have our very own rudolph at our house...

little bit fell down outside yesterday and slid on his face. the flash bleached the color out quite a bit...his whole nose is pink and he also has a big old pink strawberry on his head. he's been a pretty good sport about it, but he doesn't really like it when i call him rudolph. :) but it just about breaks my heart every time i look at him, just because it's so red and it's been so long since one of my guys really hurt himself. i was a little out of practice...

ok, time to go meet the day. my number one son and number three son have been at it much of the morning. and it seems number one son is really the one instigating. so i put my foot down and now he's kind of pissed off at me. which is ok, i guess. but it still sucks. but we're baking today, so hopefully that'll put them all in a better mood...

peace

weird blog thing...

so i guess because i've been posting late at night (which, as my blog has drawn my attention to, is actually early in the morning), when i log on to blog, well, shit, there's already a blog for that day?... :)

so i'm taking it as a sign that i need to take a break for today...(even though, technically, this is my second post for today...hehe) and that works out because N is home and we're going to hang out and stuff... well, after he wakes up...

peace

normal day?

so i think today has been a more "normal" day....in the sense that i've done a number of different things, the kids have been outside and busy (thank GOD for the nice weather today), and i've been in contact with a number of people today, and that, i'm kind of embarrassed to say, is what is particularly unusual.

i've talked to mama hope, mama jerrie, patsy (prayers for her, please), my kids (of course, but we worked a jigsaw puzzle tonight, so that was concentrated and wonderful), my bil, my sil, my sister (woo-hoo!), the mamas on my mama board, a few emails, even a brief call to a different sil....oh, and my husband, too, for a bit. i think that was everyone....

all that to say that i don't have a particular thing to blog about. when my attention gets spread out, there's not one particular thing eating at me or that i'm perseverating on (the autistic part of me). soooo....

peace, goodwill, and joy to all...i got packages mailed today and life is good.

one last thing...

so tonight, while we were praying the advent prayer (which we hadn't done in a few nights), this is what little bit says... "when we fight, it makes my heart close. and when we don't fight, it doesn't close."

maybe when i grow up, i'll be as smart as my four year old. thank god we have him to save us from ourselves... :)

g'night and peace

resolution shmesolution

this is concerning conflicts...

i don't really feel "resolution shmesolution" about conflict resolution, i mean not the part of me i want to carry forward. but that little troll i carry around in my trunk sure is grumbling "resolution shmesolution..."

thirteen year old is sooooo grouchy these days. and just craps all over eight year old. and then when nine year old gets involved, he craps all over eight year old, which i don't necessarily blame him for...i mean if the options are to get crapped on by a thirteen year old or take part in the already inevitable crapping upon of an eight year old, i'd probably choose the path of least resistance, too. especially if said eight year old pisses me off every once in awhile and doesn't seem to give a shit. but that doesn't make any of this right...and sometimes this crap will get so carried away before i realize i need to intervene, that intervention is overwhelming and something i tend to avoid when i am already low on resources... and this month, seeing my spouse and co-parent for three hours a day max (awake) is making me feel a bit low in resources for some reason...

especially when spouse and i have our own freaking conflict going on...over nothing, really....fueled by feelings that probably had nothing to do with what we were attempting to discuss. ack! i'm frustrated all over again just typing this... but it was funny. the kids, who were arguing pretty much all day today, were trying so hard to be quiet (without losing their arguments, of course) so they could hear what dh and i were talking about. i would've laughed...if i hadn't been so frustrated otherwise....

maybe i'm just grumpy because i stayed up painting until three o'clock this morning.... my hallways look delicious...

oh, i hope bedtime comes quickly...
peace

some....very.....slow.....thoughts......

my computer is running soooo damned slowly this morning. i'm about to have a stressed induced stroke, i think. not really. i am actually handling it well, but i am aware that i'm handling it well, which tells me i'm getting kind of close to not handling it well....

i have a plan for today. i've told my kids my plan, and they seem to think it just might work. it's hard when your dad works nights, but just a couple more weeks and we'll be passed this madness...

today, we're going to run errands and do a bit of schooling early. stop when dad wakes up and hang out and eat. then, once dad leaves, we'll finish our school work. but we're pretty loose. we'll see how this goes.

hoperadio was reminding me that i am in charge of this educational journey and i could call a break. but i feel such pressure (inside myself) to push forward a bit more before we take some time off. but far be it for me to ignore the advice of a woman in her state of clarity right now, so i am relaxing my claw-like grip a little. (well, the knuckles are a little pinker anyway...)

i had some other things i was thinking about this morning, but this computer thing has just got me allllllll disjointed... geez, am i fragile or what? (rolling eyes here)

oh, i got my hallways painted. "milk chocolate"....i am in heaven. makes me want to break out and get started on everything else i want to paint. (yeah, since the three hallways only took me two months....shit)

and last thing...i got a "season's greetings from the austin marathon" this morning. oh yeah. i kind of forgot about that.... it told me that there would be 36 bands along the running route and cheerleaders from different high schools cheering me on. are we talking high school bands? or "keep austin weird" bands? because there's a huge difference and it just might affect my motivation. :) and the cheerleaders...dude, i do not need high school girls bouncing around reminding me of what my body used to be like. although, i suppose if i watch them close enough, i'll be grateful for the wisdom my body has carried me to... i've honestly decided if i can get one run a week in for december, i can resume true training once N is back to working days again, because i am not finding the time while he's sleeping all day. and i've learned that no, i can't just run at night because i am too fucking tired and feel like i might be dying every quarter mile...and that is too much of a head game for me right now with too little pay off...

ok, i do believe that is it. i am now going to leave my house and try to maintain some feeling of christmas cheer while gone...wish me luck!
peace

prayers

i'm asking for some prayers for mama hope over at hoperadio tonight... she's just gotten on a roller coaster much like the one i road at the beginning of my blogging journey. i know how my ride ended (at least that stretch of it) and now we have to wait and see how hers goes...and pray. so if you get a minute...some peaceful, gentle thoughts aimed toward the soggy coast of galveston, tx, would be a pretty generous gesture this season of giving...thanks for reading.

peace

a letter

so i got tagged with a meme. i'm supposed to write a letter as though i could send it back in time to myself when i was thirteen. my oldest son is thirteen...and for some reason this struck me all as kind of weird...i'm embarrassed to say i haven't even tried to remember thirteen for myself as i parent my son through it...so i sat down and thought about it. and there was a lot i remembered...(really, as if i could forget...)

i lived with my mother and her boyfriend/common law husband. he was abusive and a drunk, but it's only as an adult that i understand how relevant his drinking was. he was frighteningly controlling, but in all fairness, there was also a lot he taught me. i was in eighth grade, which was the year my father found out my mother's husband was abusive and had me talking to a behavioral management specialist friend of his and was preparing to ask for custody of me. i was looking at moving out of my mom's house, where i was an only child and had a half brother who would visit every other weekend and into my dad's house, where i would become the oldest of four children. my mother didn't allow me to speak to my grandmother, her mother, who was the one person i think loved me consistently, if not obsessively, through this turbulence, but my dad did let me see her when i was with him on the weekends. i think i got my first "c" in eighth grade, too, so i guess i was figuring out success in academics didn't solve everything.

i cannot explain how uncomfortable it makes me feel to remember this time...only because i have my own thirteen year old living here. and no, i'm not doing a lot of the things my mother did...not because i'm so much better than her...just different. but while i know a lot of who i am was shaped by the things that happened in my life, i also know that who i am, looking back, is who i was always going to be. and i have to remember that with n...(and s...and o...and e...oi)

so my letter...would be fairly simple. it would say something like...

hi from someone who knows you very well,

i want you to know you are an amazing young woman. you don't hear this very often, but you are very smart and there are many things you are very good at. be patient with yourself and and the mistakes you make. it's okay to be open to what lies ahead...that's a good thing. things will twist and turn in ways you can't predict, so work a little on letting your need to figure stuff out and try to control go... the stuff you do to calm your mind is good...keep working on it. maybe find a physical activity you really enjoy that puts you outside more...from what i've seen, rock climbing looks good...

there is one thing i really need you to work on understanding, because it's really important....the adults in your life are good folks, but they are dealing with their own personal issues, their own personal lives. IT IS NOT YOU....you are not causing their unhappiness, their anger, their failure, or their hurt. maybe they say things you could do better or point out stuff you do that upsets them, but that doesn't make you the reason their lives aren't working. you are just a young woman and they are the ones responsible for their lives, not you. don't worry about trying to cheer them up all the time, make them happy, or win their attention. you don't need them to agree with you for you to be right, either. let them be who they are and still love them for it and you find what makes you happy. (you are really good with all kinds of kids.)

oh, and take up an instrument if you get a chance...maybe that band teacher your first two years in high school would give you free lessons, if you ask...

peace

i don't know if that young woman would understand the woman i am now. i can't decide how i would've received a letter like that... but it is a very interesting prospect...and maybe it's taken me a little further in healing that thirteen year old trapped in me.

now i should go work a little to free the thirteen year old not trapped in me. wish me luck...

peace

**added later**

ok, i'm not doing what i need to do to free the other thirteeen year old...or maybe i am (?) i don't know.... but a wandering, wondering blogger was posting songs she wanted played at her funeral, and hoperadio was talking about viking funerals the other night, so it inspired me to look at you tube, and lo! the video i wanted of the song i want played at my funeral was there... the video quality is pretty sucky, but the audio is good enough... enjoy and peace out

today didn't suck at all

at least not much...

it's had its rough spots, but that's just life being, well, life. but we got to watch baby s tonight while mom and dad were at a christmas party. and he's absolutely the brightest child in the world that i haven't given birth to...hehe...non-suckage makes me kind of arrogant, huh?

anyway...we are all a bit crabby over here. we're tired. so of course we're crabby. but dh just came in silently gloating that thirteen year old gave him a hug good night, so i think we're doing alright.

i have no brain cells for philosophizing or analyzing. i really can't even remember what i did today to be honest. but i'm pretty sure it wasn't sucky...well, hardly at all. i do remember watching frosty the snowman and the baby s part...and all of that was good. so i'm going with this one...g'night all.

peace

so, today sucks...

i don't know why, but it does. just one of those days where you can feeling it kind of tugging on your sleeve all day and you try to ignore it, but eventually you look down and there it is, and it's right, and today sucks.

this is a really different place for us. really different and really familiar too... still in debt, but not accruing anymore, which is good... N's hours are sooooo crazy. and they change each month, which is how it was before, but this working a whole month of nights is kicking our ass and it's only been a week. i mean, it's kicking our ass in different ways, but they're still pretty kicked. he gets paid, sort of, which creates the illusion we aren't falling deeper into debt, but i don't know....it's a mindfuck for sure. i mean, it certainly isn't nothing, but it's just barely something sometimes....

and homeschooling is hard when there is so much stress and money is tight because i believe the kids need to take classes, be exposed to people who are passionate and excited about sharing what they do, what they love. i certainly can't be EVERYTHING to my kids, but i can get them almost anywhere. and i will. it'll be fine....

i know things will be ok. sometimes i am afraid that i am walking along, acting like it's all ok, but it is all falling apart around me. and then i look around me and things are fine. and that's when i realize it is inside me where things are all messed up....like the world isn't falling apart around me...it's blown up inside of me.

but i really do know it is going to be ok. things will be fine. it will all work itself out in the end.

someone reminded me the other day about how nice it would be when N started working and really making money, and i thought yeah, then we'll have money to pay for the bypass i'll need from all the stress induced cardiac disease. or something... i just hope to be sane when he gets to that point. i'll be happy when i can pay off some of our debt, but then my goal will be to help others pay off theirs because this is just some fucking stress people don't need.

my sons have been doing this wrestling thing. and it really bothers me. and today i told them why. i talked about respect for each other and themselves. i talked about their dad and i wrestling and the trust it implies...that one of us will say stop when it's time to stop, but also that the other will listen, that no one will push their advantage, even just a little. i told my sons that they needed to have that kind of trust with each other before wrestling would be safe. and my oldest was all pissy about it. and it is so weird because he looks so much older than i think a thirteen year old should look...it is funky. and his dad told me later that he hoped one day n would find his thing. and that made me feel this flash of all these emotions... frustration because it costs money to take him to classes, lessons, etc....and it takes time and he needs support...and we are very taxed in these ways because we are all trying to help N find his thing. (which in all fairness he has found...it's just a long road to some people's things...) which made me think, why can't his wife help him find his thing like i helped you find yours?!?! what am i?!?! the national thing finder guider? what about my thing? oh hell, i forgot to find my thing...

i'm just being bitchy. my thing is my family, for now. i know in some way it always will be. but some day there will be enough time for me to find other things...if i don't die of a stroke first. stress induced, of course. which i probably won't.

i hope tomorrow is a little kinder and gentler...i think i'm going to make cookies and drink some wine....i think those are the sacraments called for on the days of suckage...
peace

a little bit about me...

so last night, i blogged, and then i went outside to feed my dogs. i love feeding my dogs at night. it's one of the last things i do. i like looking at the sky and i like watching my dogs in all their "animal-ness"....it kind of helps me get back in touch with those basic truths about living things and lets me relax and settle down some....

so last night i was thinking about broken health care systems and sicko...and how i kind of didn't like my blog last night. it was so cynical. and i'm not an enemy of cynicism. but i don't like it when i can't find a comfortable resting place in my emotions and i land on cynicism. because for me, it's not a comfortable resting place. i mean, if i've thought about it and that's where i decide i'm just going to have to be, that's one thing. but it is not a good default setting for me....

i was trying to decide what scenes were defining for me in sicko. and i realized that the scene where the woman doctor who was an insurance claim analyst that went and testified before congress about her responsibility in a man's death because she denied him the operation he needed to live, and how she'd never been asked to be accountable for it, and how in her business, that decision ensured her promotion and success...i think that was a pretty important part for michael moore to include. because that woman was not evil. she did not set out to make money by denying people necessary health care. she was a doctor, trained in saving lives and understanding health, hired by an insurance company to do a job.

i don't think she took that job with the vision of testifying before congress in mind. i'm sure she thought she was doing something she was qualified to do--decide based on medical information whether someone needed medical treatment. i'm sure it took her time to realize the true nature of her job, her role in her company. i'm sure it was a gradual series of moments of clarity clouded by frustrations, preoccupation with her own daily life, fear, questioning... and i'm sure it just took time before she developed her awareness of her job, weighed it against her ethics, and made a decision to act on her resulting feelings. but what strikes me is that she was the same person the day before she left her job as she was the day she left. she'd just made a decision to bring her actions more in line with her beliefs, and after doing that, it became easier for others to see who she was. but it didn't change who she was. i mean, it probably did to some degree, but who she was was already in there before she acted in a way that conveyed it...

and that's what i think about the world mostly.... most people are really good people. it's only as they bring their actions in line with their hearts and souls that we see that, though. so we just have to believe in each other. and it's hard sometimes. when a company denies necessary health care (and we're talking about those that are already insured here) to a person...it is easy to hate that company. but who is making those decisions for that company? who are we hating? there is so much responsibility spread out over so many people, that it's hard to say whose vision is propelling it. and it seems, from listening to part of sicko where nixon is talking to kaiser about health care management organizations, that he honestly felt it was a good answer to a problem. maybe it wasn't. but i don't think he was trying to create the cluster fuck we have now... so how to take a not-so-good answer, driven by a desire to do something good (maybe not what we think would be good, but something good), and fix it? i think with some faith that others want it fixed, too...maybe even those we don't expect would want it fixed.

but i mentioned last night that i am not strong at sorting out facts or especially politics. i like watching the nature of people...how different we seem from the outset, but how truly the same we are. so i don't write about these things necessarily proposing solutions...not in policies anyway. i just look for ways to improve the dynamics between people...usually my family is my laboratory....muwahaha but it also helps me in finding a comfortable place to land when i'm thinking about an issue that i don't see a clear answer in and that threatens to push me under in despair...because cynicism is not very buoyant in my experience. and i don't mind swimming a little harder if i need to, but i've also observed that it isn't something i need to just do all the time without realizing why i'm so tired.

ok, enough self awareness today...my head still hurts...
peace

caring about health

so another warning...i post a lot of warnings lately...i'm going to talk a little bit of politics, which is not my forte. matter of fact, i suck at it because my brain is just not wired in a way that handles politics, uhm, what's the word? coherently?... but that doesn't mean i don't think about politics and have opinions about them. i just don't normally share them publicly. that said...

we watched sicko today. and it was thought provoking. (surprised?) i didn't really think i'd like michael moore stuff because his purpose is to incite emotions. and when you are already as emotionally charged as i am, you tend to stay away from people like michael moore. but my sil, who loves emotional charge, also loves michael moore, and encourages everyone to watch his movies. and once at her house, i saw the end of fahrenheit 911 and michael moore was approaching members of congress asking them to get their children to sign up for the armed services. most of the men knew who he was and just wouldn't even talk to him or acknowledge him. but one man was like, "oh, no, see my son has a family..." (big pause of realization that most soldiers have a family....) and while i'll always wonder in the back of my mind if that was in some way staged, it really did strike me at the time as pretty sincere. and that's when i grew a spark of respect for michael moore (beyond that he's a human being, i mean).

so sicko was similar. there were those extreme michael moore moments, where he says something that makes you kind of chuckle...but then there was just too much other stuff in there that was very, very serious. i know he over idealizes other country's health care systems. but he points out some really heartbreaking flaws in ours, too. and i think because health care is something we are all, in some way, familiar with....it was just very poignant.

even N, having been a health care provider for, uhm, over ten years, was pretty thoughtful about it. so how do we change it? it's not a medical issue, frankly. it's a political one. N has spent four years in school and will spend another four in training but still be told what he can or can't do by an insurance company...maybe by a doctor hired by the insurance company, but one who should still be following their hippocratic oath to do no harm. but that insurance company is rich... and it scares me how cynical i feel when i think about the impact of money on americans these days.

i've started about ten other paragraphs, but can't form another cohesive thought on this, so i'm going to stop here. but as far as intelligence strengths go, this is not mine. i heal much more instinctively than i bring about reform. i can teach better than i argue. but this is something that americans have to make a priority in order to fix. because make no mistake, it is broken....

peace

smoldering

homeschoolers often have the coolest quotes in their signature lines. i saw one once that said, "argue not with dragons for thou art tasty and go well with brie." that still cracks me up...

but the one i saw last week that really caught my eye is this one...

"Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire."
--Arnold H. Glasow

i understand the direction in this quote, but i do think success can come spontaneously. maybe not grand, sweeping success, but little brown bag ones.... i don't know. maybe i'm so undisciplined that i haven't experienced grand, triumphant success in a long time. maybe i don't know what it is anymore. maybe i've never known. i don't know. i do know that training for this half marathon is like nothing i've ever done before. (although, quite honestly, the last four days have been like something i've done before because i haven't run or trained...but truly it's because i wanted to get christmas up and out and, well, it's just been really busy.)

but the whole notion of setting oneself on fire...wow....this arnold man seems like someone kind of hellbent on success, doesn't he? because i can think of almost nothing else more counter-intuitive than setting myself on fire. yet he says i must to achieve success. as though spontaneous combustion would be success for a lazy person... (cracking myself up for some reason) i don't mind the idea of burning with a passion, yet the idea of setting myself on fire to succeed really offends me....

so maybe success isn't what i'm looking for. maybe success is just part of the journey i'm on...not the destination.

i titled this for the obvious reasons, but also because it's a day when three of my four children erupted into fevers. it was so odd... just like little dominoes..."my head hurts"...boom, boom, boom. three kiddos laid low. the oldest is maintaining health and i think he's kind of proud of it. but i suppose he's earned his immune system the hard way.... so we didn't do much school today. it was a hell of a teacher work day, though. and now i'm all caught up and ready to go. as soon as everyone cools down...

peace out

the advent of, well, advent

we bought our christmas tree today. wow... i don't think we've ever bought it this early. well, at least not since embarking on this whole medicine/doctor journey. i put up lights in our windows, but somehow e touched one strand, and now they don't work. i tell you, christmas lights can be so unpredictable when you don't use them for three or four years...

i started the morning bawling. that wasn't my plan, but these days i just go with what seems to be working. well, i don't know that the bawling was working, but it didn't seem to be fucking anything up, so i counted that as working and went with it. i don't know that i got a lot off of my chest, but it just helped that N didn't get defensive. and he was a little nicer the rest of the day.

see, this is just one of those really, really hard times in life. when you try to go forward, but find it almost impossible some days. you don't want to burden anyone, and you don't want to be a dick to anyone, but some days, you just aren't really yourself... or maybe you are, but it's that person you don't want to admit you know, much less are, so that's basically the same thing, right?

and i really, really appreciate the help i receive, i have received, i am receiving... but i don't always need the challenges. i have lots of those inherently. people who feel the need to challenge me, well, don't know me very well.... and for some reason, that's the first time i've realized that.

but, what i was going to say was that i am learning. i am learning that people probably don't like being challenged by me much either. i mean, husbands, children, and close friends aside, that is...those guys, well, that's just part of the relationship and i expect challenges returned. but i love those guys, like, everyday so, it's different....

a time of waiting...of preparing...of wanting.... yeah, i'm doing all those things. but am i waiting for, preparing for, wanting the right things? i will say that the times i meditate on that are some of the freest times of my life. it all lines up and i can relax into that truth. and if you add up the last week, i've maybe had about ten of those free minutes. :) but i will build on that. and i will call for reinforcements when i can't find my hammer...

peace out

deliverance

so this is a long one...warning ahead of time....

my favorite author is anne lamott. she is brilliant. i try to tell myself that if i put in a good four miles on editing something, maybe i could find something as wonderful as she writes. other times i actually pout and whine in my head because of course i can't write like her...SHE got to be the drug addict and alcoholic....how am I supposed to write so brilliantly without THOSE experiences in my life?...yes, i'm laughing at myself....

so last night was an emotional night. my hormones are in full swing...and i mean FULL swing....one way, then the other....so i pulled out an anne lamott book and did this thing that some of my church friends used to do with the bible. just open it randomly and read that passage. they felt it was god speaking to them. well, last night, i wanted anne lamott to speak to me, so i just picked a random essay. and this is how it started...

Everyone has been having a hard time with life this year; not with all of it, just the waking hours. Being awake is the one real fly in the ointment--but it is also when solutions come to us.

i felt like this was a good sign... it went on to talk about the things giving people a hard time, focusing on the current white house administration...who is still the current white house administration. she talked about how we would be at war for a long time and a friend of hers who was imagining the end of life as we know it....talking about shelters and caves. she also talked about trying to do good to make it through the tough time. and she just carried me away...

But the jungle drums grew louder, and nothing seemed to help. What could possibly help during this administration? God only knows. But in any case, we should try to stay on God's good side. It's not hard. God has extremely low standards. Pray, take care of people, be actively grateful for your blessings, give away your money--you're cool. You're in. Nice room in heaven, flossing no longer required--which is what will make it heave for me. Oh, I mean that, and Jesus.

And then, the rains began again.

I usually welcome the rain, when I'm tired and stressed. Rain suggests that you should go inside, rest, try to stay dry. The scent of rain is fresh and earthy, clean and woolly, of leaves and dirt, wet dogs. We get whiffs of our animal smells, of feet, sweat, and the secret smells of the earth, which she often keeps to herself. Rain gives us back something that has been stolen, a dimension we've been missing--our body, and our soul. Your mind can't give you these. Your sick, worried mind can't heal your sick, worried mind. Well, maybe your mind is lovely and pastoral and you do not suffer from paranoia, hypochondria, a bad attitude, and delusions of victimized grandeur. That is very nice, but we don't want you in our cave after the bombs fall, because you are going to annoy us to death.

Hard rain makes a mess, but is also fills in space we usually walk through without even noticing. It makes the stuff we can't usually see--air and wind--visible, and a lot of what we can see catches the light. We get wet and cold, and then we get to dry off and be warm again.

so her church decides to hold a peace march.

It didn't stop raining, and the wind didn't stop blowing, as if there were too many flies and they were beginning to bother the skin of the universe. The universe was flinching and flailing. And you couldn't fix anything. All you could do was help people. You could set up MASH units in your own life, and tend to people through the sacrament of cocoa and videos, and you could send money, and pray. Things were taking their course--I hate that! But you had to let hem. I tried to slow down. Then I needed to nap so often that I concluded I had leukemia. Everyone had had such worry and muffled tension for so long, and the exhaustion of held breath, and I felt rashy and overwhelmed, like Harvey Fierstein with poison oak.

so annie drives to the peace march, but still didn't really want to get out of her car...

It was noisy, and I know a small-town peace march of a thousand people won't change anything, but I swear I could head God in Her big-mama guise. She said, "Get out of the damn car already." Still, I sat there....But here's what Veronica said during the sermon on bees: God doesn't want or expect you to get it together before you come along, because you can't get it together until you come along. You can spend half of your time alone, but you also have to be in service, in community, or you get a little funny.

the march was nice...it didn't rain much throughout, but picked up once it was over. annie got a little wet, but then she got to go home and get dry again.

i am teaching my children about the sacraments of our catholic church. but last night, i took part in the sacraments of chocolate chip cookies and milk and anne lamott. i still woke up grouchy for no apparent reason (other than my life completely overwhelms me right now and i'm just looking to get on my feet) but i am grateful for the peace i had last night. sacraments are times when we can find god more closely, what are called "thin moments"....where whatever stands between us and spirit is not so thick.

i am grateful beyond words for the writer that anne lamott is. she delivers me over and over again from my own sick, worried mind. breathes a little more confidence and faith in me and sets me back on my feet, or lays me down in a comfortable safe place and pulls the blanket up just right. amen, mama...

peace

lifting up, sort of

i used to burn a candle all the time. it always had a note card under it with different intentions, mostly people i was praying for, thinking about, sending some peace or healing to. i don't have a place for my candle here, so i made a list tonight, on my blog, of a lot of those people. i think i touched on almost all the branches of my tree. but it felt sort of contrived, weird... i think i am just in a mood and am not satisfied with much right now... so here's a video (or two) that i was thinking about today....

this is the cowboy junkies. i really wanted a video of them singing "cheap is how i feel" but the one that you tube has is not very good quality. and i like this song, too, and it's much better quality...



here's a song by a woman named jonatha brooke. i'll just say there is a desperate longing in me sometimes...and an absolute determination to be the one to figure out how to fill it. yet, i love the line, "you take the wheel..."



dear god, please let me make it through this november pms....
peace

running and learning

running is teaching me things. i think anything we do with much drive that requires discipline that is new to us will teach us things, but since this is one of the first things i've approached with those two ingredients (drive and discipline), it's kind of new to me.

i ran four miles today. that is damn hard work. and i did it. and then i took an hour long nap later. (this was not part of my plan, but my body didn't really care what i had planned...it just needed a freaking nap...)

i am like a whole new person right now. and i don't mean like a bright, shiny new person, either. i mean like, hmmm, i don't usually hurt here, or feel this tired in this way at this time of the day, or why do i feel so warm for no reason...who am i?

i had a blog i was composing in my head about how badly i want to do this (finish the half marathon) and how anxious i get that i won't....be able to finish the run i'm working on, be able to do this, or finish the marathon. and then while i was running, i thought, "it'll be ok if you don't finish..." and my next thought was "NO. you WILL FINISH. you already know you can respect yourself if you don't finish.....look at all the fucking things you haven't finished and you still manage to piece together some self respect. THIS YOU WILL FINISH... and then you can just figure out how much respect to have for yourself after doing that because that will be a new one..."

it's amazing the things that pop into my head when i am totally wearing myself out, pushing myself to my maximum ability. but i will not blog about this today because i am too tired.

the dog whisperer says we should walk our dogs for at least an hour a day (guess i know what i'll be doing after february for a work out) so that they'll be good and tired for the rest of the day....go into a natural restive state. uh, i think i found that natural restive state today. and i can just barely function here...chuckle...but for some reason this cracks me up. i don't know... who am i again?

peace out
marci

here's a video for today. this is what i sing in my head sometimes when i run. although in the video, natalie is looking a little like pink (???) for some reason. but the fiddle player rocks in this one...

quick therapy session

so yesterday's euphoria gave way to irritability by the afternoon. i don't think it's a sinus infection, but i do think there is some irritation in there. i'm probably pms-ing, too. woo hoo...

sometimes there are the nastiest, most negative thoughts bumping around in my brain. they often come to me in someone else's voice...N's, a parent's, whoever.... when i'm aware of it, i sometimes try to restate it in my own voice, because it does no good to argue in my head with someone who hasn't even said what i'm so upset about. (am i starting to sound mental?) anyway...yesterday was just one of those days where i felt so physically tired at moments. and at those moments, the negative part of my brain, what anne lamott calls kfkd (or k-fucked) radio, would start playing quite loudly. i think i did a fairly good job at just letting whatever (to use an eckhart tolle term) pain body get its tantrum on and then waiting for it to quiet. i was telling hoperadio a few nights ago how sometimes the reasonable part of me just stands outside of myself, hands on her hips, shaking her head, waiting for whatever's left to get over itself....

we have school work to do. i am cheered by our progress this semester. it's been, like, fucking amazing in so many ways. i mean, there are always ways to improve, but i am fairly blown away by all we've accomplished. i'm disappointed i didn't get them into music classes, but i think it's an okay logical process. they've done rock climbing and soccer...that's pretty good for our first semester in a new town. we'll add more next semester.

christmas is coming, and i'm still feeling pretty good about that. oi, i thought N had thrown away a gift i bought for my mama board gift swapper...THAT was a pisser for a few hours. but then we found her gift, so i had to settle down. it was a good cardio workout for awhile, though...(and on my rest day, too...hehe)

ok, there's this really stupid thing i'm going to get off my chest here...because it bothers me and i blew up over it last night, so...a little therapy. i took the wallpaper off of a wall in our entryway. and since i'd never done that before, i thought i did a fair job. but when i started taking it off a wall in my front living room, well, i started figuring some stuff out. (it's a learning process, right?) so i did about four or five rounds of paper removing in the living room, and got a little more paper each time. (albeit a little less paper with each round, but i was just trying to be sure i got ALL the paper that was going to come off) but i never went back and redid the entryway. so when dh and his bro were texturing the entryway wall, well, it became apparent what a shitty job i'd done. and so dh kept saying, "well, i better be sure that living room wall is ready before i texture it." which is logical. but it's also a tad bit insulting to me because i did a hell of a lot better job in there than in the entry. and mostly, i just felt like an idiot for letting them do the entry without thinking to go back and try to remove more paper... anyway, this has been giving me great frustration...obviously hitting a pain body. the one that doesn't like to make mistakes and really hates to make them in plain sight of others. but i really thought i'd been coaching myself in this way?....hmmm....maybe not?... i don't know. but here's a quote i liked today that made me think of this problem i have...

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."- Theodore Roosevelt

yeah, so surely theodore roosevelt wasn't speaking to me personally, but i can definitely see myself in this statement....in the twilight. although i do feel a little more daring trying to train my 33 year old body to run 13 miles... i'm not saying i want to plunge headlong into this philosophy, but maybe find a bit more balance...oi, that damned word...balance....(i feel like saying balance THIS!!...)

alright, gotta go play checkers with failure...
peace

oh, let me leave this video my sister sent me and my kids HIGHLY recommend for a pick me up...

world falls

today is just one of those days...i'm probably getting a sinus infection, but it makes me feel more sensitive, more observant of things i wouldn't normally be, more emotional. (and this makes me smile for some reason)

it's one of those days where i feel very blessed and even lucky to be a part of things going on around me. even the stuff that most frustrates me, still seems to somehow fit perfectly into the tapestry of the world.

the sun coming through the windows is beautiful. the kids playing bionicles in front of one of the windows are brilliant...the saying "we are spiritual beings having a physical experience"comes to mind because my children are more in touch at times with their spiritual sides than i think i, personally, can ever hope to be.

it is still cool, but warming a bit. i am grateful for this because hopefully the heater will not run as much, although we had two humidifiers going last night and i think there might have been less coughing this morning. but the weather still inspires me.

the work we have to do today is something i look forward to rather than dread. this, alone, is enough to convince me that there is something unique happening in the universe today....

i look forward to our vacation in january...snow...whee....this, too, makes me smile.

i am grateful for the tribes i belong to--families, mamas, friends...they teach me, challenge me, support me, and just grow me into a better person each day. i hope i can be the sort of friend they have been to me...

ok, enough sap...
peace

maybe time to slow down a bit

so it was slow waking up around here this morning. my eyes feel like there is sand in them and i hear lots of coughing going on all around me. thirteen year old has already told me he doesn't feel well--throat hurts and headache behind the eyes. nine year old looks cheery as always and four year old was downright grouchy upon wake up this morning... so we're going to have chicken and rice soup for breakfast and hope for the best... and i'll get their humidifier running by this afternoon...i'm hoping this is just the heater messing with everyone.

and the heater HAS been in overdrive, because it is damned cold here. (and i love it) it's nice... with christmas a month away and advent starting this weekend, it's cool that even the weather is cooperating with the whole mood of it all. it is cold...bbrisk (typo but i liked it)...makes you want to get stuff done. and if you can get it done inside in the warmth, even better. i will be doing lessons today with my guys, probably paying some bills, doing some online shopping, doing some laundry, and maybe even pulling out christmas stuff today. oh, and taking care of my guys, too...because as much as people feel pulled to hurry and get things DONE this season, i'm determined to take my time and feel it....actually put myself there...not just some shadow of myself...my "secretary".... and with these four beautiful people (+ dad) to share things with, why not be "present" to share with them all?...

it's going to be a good one...
peace

running, thanksgiving continues, and loving one's spouse

i think i have mentioned that one of my biggest challenges in this half marathon isn't the physical aspects. it will be all about the mental ability to focus on something that will last for so long and not get overwhelmed by anxiety. it will be hard to run that first mile if i allow the next twelve to be piled up on my shoulders, clouding and twisting my thoughts, tightening my chest and tensing my muscles... i didn't realize how difficult it would be until i ran my first three mile run the other day. my body handled it find but it was a little hairy starting out. but i did it...and that felt good. it would be awesome to come away from this not just physically more fit, but also mentally more fit..... (a girl can dream....) :)

we had thanksgiving with my husband's family yesterday. well, half of his family. but it was a good half...we had a good time, the food was good, and i'm glad with the way it went. it was sad when half of the family called to say they weren't coming...we'd been planning this for awhile. but it really did turn out to be a good time, i think enjoyed by all. so now i find myself cozily deposited into the christmas season. i have some christmas shopping to do online and some lesson plans to write up for the week. we'll be starting advent soon...woo-hoo! i think we should get the tree sometime this week just because N is on nights next month and i don't know what that will be like...and i THINK we're going to try to put up christmas lights this year. (man, i am just feeling wild here...) :) but i'm actually excited about christmas this year...not feeling overwhelmed and exhausted already...

and N.... he's singing "silent lucidity" right now as i type. maybe that says more than i could? (ha) he makes me so damned crazy sometimes, but he is such a good man and he really is my best friend, even though i treat him pretty shittily sometimes. (uh, as he brings me coffee and half a pumpkin empanada?....dude, what is going on here? i don't think he knows i'm writing about him...weird...) i just look back and see and feel so much more good than bad and am grateful for the ground we've covered, the places we've been, and the time we've shared.

ok, i have more, but i think this was reasonable...i don't want to completely purge at once... :) because for all these things i am humbly grateful. the spirit of giving thanks is still with me and i will sit in it for as long as i can. i have learned to sit in negative feelings, but not yet to appreciate the positive experiences and sit in them... and i don't want to run off from this too quickly...
peace

borrowing on someone else's wisdom

here's a quote i swiped from another blogger...

Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are your own fears.
--Rudyard Kipling

whoa-ho-ho...amen rudyard! i've been meditating a lot to get myself through some anxieties manifesting themselves through some ugly plays on my insecurities...i don't know. maybe all my psychoses were celebrating thanksgiving, too...you know, aunt anxiety invites uncle insecurity and cousin paranoia over for some turkey. but there's been the big split and mama reason and papa rationale weren't invited...something like that. this is actually starting to sound a bit like the phantom tollbooth...which i haven't read in awhile with the kids. maybe later...

anyway. i have been mindfucking myself quite a lot lately, but i've also found some good coping skills within myself--no, i'm not talking about wine here... it's just a funny, funny life we live. and like i said yesterday, i'm thankful for it. (well, most of the time) but this quote really gets me because i don't know it bothers me so much that fears may "lie", but it's just this mechanism of self-perpetuation that wears me the fuck out. and i just have a long way to go on disciplining myself not to be taken on that ride all the time.

last night, i visited with a really good mama friend of mine and her family. it was fun...i really don't think i've ever visited friends on thanksgiving...like, in my whole adult life...because i'm always with family. (and i'm friends with many family members, but it just struck me as unusual and kind of wonderfully delightful, too) anyway...i was telling her how i put on my running clothes and running shoes first thing in the morning so that i'll run everyday. that my running clothes and especially running shoes are uncomfortable to me...i mean, they are the most comfortable running things i could find, but i generally prefer loose fitting stuff and birks. and generally, i tell myself i can't take that stuff off til after i run...hence, the motivation and sort of "check" to get what i think i should do...done. but some mornings i look down and my shoes are off and i'm like, "who the hell took my running shoes off before i ran?!?!" as though it wasn't me. which i'm sure it was, but it's odd to not remember doing something like that. it's as though one of my personalities saw that the other wasn't looking, and quickly pulled off some nasty little trick and then got the hell out of there. i don't know...i guess as long as i don't start tying my shoelaces together, i shouldn't worry too much...

uh, what was this about again? oh yeah, wisdom...shit. oh well...maybe i'll write about discipline next time...if i can remember...
peace

laughing on the outside

hey, it's thanksgiving...a day of, well, thanks. and the kids and i talked a lot about thanks today. it was a good day...and for that i am thankful.

my grandparents came by today. well, since they were diagnosed with alzheimer's and senior dementia, they don't drive. but my parents (dad and stepmom) brought them by (along with sister and a brother) on their way to relocating my grandparents to a different assisted living program. (relocating them from the town my stepmom lives in to the town her brother lives in...it's his turn) now, these are technically my stepgrandparents, but i've known them since i was a baby. and while my grandmother (who we happen to call yang yang, write yy) didn't like me for a long time...probably until i turned nineteen or something...my grandfather (who we call papa) has always been a very sweet man and made up (mostly) for my grandmother's meanness. and btw, she was kind of mean to everyone, not just me, and that, ultimately, helped too... (man that was a lot of commas)

anyway...now that they're older and, well, losing their minds...it's my yy who's kind of sweet to be around and papa always looks really stressed out. so it's strange. i think they both know something's up and they are not functioning at normal capacity. but while yy just kind of shrugs her shoulders and gives this, "well, what the fuck you gonna do?" kind of expression, papa looks like he wants to cry but is too pissed off to do it. that part's pretty sad if you think about it. but see, here's the deal, you just can't really think about it. because it sucks. i mean, it's part of life, and i can accept that. they're well into their eighties if they haven't already crossed over into their nineties...they've had good, full lives... but just like my calf hurts when i run too much, they just lived too much, and now their brains are, well, wearing down is a nice way of saying it.

it's weird because i don't really miss the way they were. (yy really was pretty bitchy) and seeing papa like this has kind of made me distrustful of all the good stuff before...(like, was he really this surly inside and just being nice outside? i don't know...it's just weird) and it isn't just some selfish "will this be me in the future?" because i don't think it will necessarily be alzheimer's that gets me. and truthfully, they aren't miserable. i mean, there are moments of recognition on their faces, but they come and go, just like whether they know who i am, or what my name is, or who the hell all these kids are. my grandfather was working really hard to remember what my husband does for a living. he was someone who talked to N a lot about med school and i could tell he wanted to bring that stuff up. but all he could remember was doctor of pharmacy, which N isn't, but close enough.

we all smiled a lot today. i served them food and yy had to ask my sister what my name was so she could tell me lunch was good. we talked about some stuff they remembered and let go the stuff they didn't. i worried when my grandmother walked out of the house and my mom didn't go after her the same way i would if a mama let their child go to the car unaccompanied. my dad made my youngest child cry. my brother played with my kids and sucked his thumb and helped my grandfather buckle his seat belt. my sister tried to make everything alright and did a hell of a job of it. my mom likes my house and drank hot tea here...kind of what i see as her baptizing a new place. there was much laughing and smiling going on. but the fact that i sit here crying as i type this makes me think there's a lot more going on inside....and i'm thankful for that shit, too.

peace

worms roxanne, i was afraid of worms....

in the movie, this line was supposed to be delivered using "words" instead of "worms"... it has always been one of my favorite lines. but i am not afraid of words... i have a ton of them and i use them almost constantly...bahaha

when i was teaching (well, i still am teaching...but when i was teaching other people's kids in schools not run by me), one of the goals we were always pressed to achieve was a "literature rich environment" for our students. with preschoolers, it meant labeling everything...window...door....chair...(i always wanted to make one that said "little white piece of paper" :) ) it also meant lots of posters with words, alphabet cards, a writing center, books everywhere. for older levels it meant giving them access to a variety of written media...reading aloud...library visits...

when i was teaching (we've been through this already) , we were also always encouraging our kids to use their words. sometimes, we even had to encourage each other to use our words because for some reason, teachers can be a pretty passive aggressive group of women...but that's a different blog...try calm assertive energy. but it just occurred to me the other day how much we pushed the importance of words. using them, being able to read them, writing them. i still do it as a parent...(and a teacher of my own kids) and even now, i still try to hone my ability to convey accurately what i am thinking.

but sometimes, i think i work too hard at the words. sometimes, i am so dominated by trying to work through something, find the words, figure it out...that i make myself miserable. because while i am doing all that thinking...i am not doing anything else usually. i mean, if i write for a bit, that usually helps because writing is an action. it's when i immobilize myself thinking, searching for those perfect words that will unlock the door to an eternity of happiness, that i'm speaking of specifically.

i got in an argument with n last night. and it sucked. because i did not see it coming and it felt pretty crappy all around. i'm sure it had to do with N being home and kind of upsetting the balance in mine and n's interactions. and that was as disconcerting as the actual argument. i think the weirdness was felt by N, too, because he ended up getting kind of drunk last night. (sometimes i think he would do well to use a few more words than he does, but what the hell do i know?) the irony was that afterward i was thinking about what i could have said differently, or better, or what i should have said instead....and i really think i just should've shut up.

so today i told my kids that it was good to use your words. but that sometimes there were things that words wouldn't work to make better. and that it was okay to just try doing something--as long as it does not hurt someone else or yourself--and see how you felt after that.

it's not that i think words are bad...i'm still not afraid of them. i just think it's another thing that i tend to get out of balance with. ok, off to go DO something....
peace

calm assertive energy

this is what cesar says we should always try to project with dogs. he does mention that calm submissive helps marriages work, but no one is married to their dog. well, at least not legally, but i suppose if it was consensual?...i don't know...that was not where i was headed...

calm assertive energy. this is the goal. again, i am just really turned on (for lack of a better word) by the way this book about DOGS talks about energy being the one true universal language. i think not being from america, maybe mr. millan just doesn't understand that this isn't something most americans consider..."what kind of energy am i projecting?" maybe "do these shoes match my belt?" or "should i get my teeth bleached?" but i didn't hear anyone talk about energy til i met my friend jeanni when i was 31. and it has opened a whole new realm for me...a whole new room in my attic to roam, so to speak. so i am quite taken by this book. (although my head pounded so badly last night that i only read about five pages before i fell asleep)

calm assertive energy. this is not the frantic defensive energy i've been swimming in for a few days. nope, that's not the same thing. and i hate being stuck in that. but maybe i'm just not a four wheel drive yet, and so when i hit something like that, i get stuck. and spin my wheels for fucking ever, unable to get out. until someone hands me a damn board, and the one i got last night said "CALM ASSERTIVE ENERGY". (noticing a theme?)

i like the way mr. millan presents this in his book because he is not looking to "fix" anyone....bahaha...cracking myself up with my dog puns. anyway. he's not saying my life will suck if i can't master this calm assertive energy. he's just saying if i want to be the pack leader--and apparently my dogs NEED for me to be the pack leader--that i have to learn how to project this energy. and he says if i don't feel it...if i'm usually a much more emotional person (NOT that he was speaking to me PERSONALLY)....then i need to learn how to fake it. because my dog won't respect me if i can't project it. because agitated dominance and agitated submissive tell my dog that i'm an unstable pack leader. (holy shit, ain't that the truth? my kids could SO second that emotion....but i think they've learned to trust me...chuckle)

i plan to keep learning lots from this book. i tried to implement some of it while at the grocery store TWICE today. (no, i'm not a glutton for punishment...knowing my tendency to get totally overwhelmed these days, i figured i'd break it up into two trips today...one with just little bit to pick up the non-perishables and then the second with the whole crew to get the cold stuff...it worked out alright, i think) but being the tuesday before thanksgiving, the stores were a MAD HOUSE....don't people eat on other days besides thanksgiving? i mean, wtf? but EVERYONE shops for food the week before thanksgiving. because it's the one day of the year we ALL eat on.... and i was trying to project calm assertive energy toward all the other shoppers. but i don't think humans really are pack animals. i mean, mr. millan says we are, but they were not reading my energy at all. and when i read some of their energy, well, it was kind of weird. i mean, most of them seemed pretty tired, pretty overwhelmed, pretty unhappy. the grocery store is such a strange place. people don't often seem "plugged in" to what's going on around them. anyway, i could attempt to make a joke here....think of funny names for the different energies i read today...but i really think sometimes we need to tune into the humanity of those we're walking with, whether we chose to show up at the grocery at the same time they did or not. and i'm a little worn these days (what with all that frantic defending i've been doing in my head) and i probably wouldn't feel like someone i don't even know fucking with me. so i'm not going to fuck with anyone today... i figure we all have thanksgiving coming, and we're just looking to have a nice day with at least one or two opportunities to reflect on life and hug those we love and maybe those we don't see very often. so i wish that for all those folks who i shared space with today. that, and some calm assertive energy...
peace

what's my motivation again?...

i am tired. damn, i'm tired.

my knee is not cooperating with me this morning... think it KNOWS i'm going to try to run this half marathon in february? nah... but what the hell? driving? was it the twelve hours of driving (or more) that i did this week? was pushing the accelerator and brake THAT taxing? i don't know. it's just one of those things i'm too damned tired to deal with rationally. crying sounds good...

i am not in any way prepared for today. i have no lesson plans, although i suppose we can just start with wednesday of last week and do what didn't get done last week. i have no food. i need to make a grocery list. but thanksgiving is this week and my bil "assigned" everyone dishes to make. so i have to go buy specific food--like not just whatever is on sale. and he told me last night that the store was "already sold out of frozen cranberries" and, well, i just don't have the resources to deal with this! you mean to tell me we have to be on the ball for our thanksgiving shopping or else we can't cook thanksgiving?!?! oh for the love of god, i give up. i'll bring peanut butter and jelly for thanksgiving...sheesh... it just doesn't seem like giving thanks is something we should have to hurry up or lose out on...but maybe i'm just not in the right place this morning.

i am reading a new book. it is by the dog whisperer. and i think it is a great book. one of the really neat things about this book is that this man identifies the one universal language as energy. wow. never thought i'd find such a simple, yet completely integrated way of looking at energy in a book about dog psychology. but here it is and i really, really am liking reading it. (probably a small part of why i am so unprepared today..but it has been a long time since a book kept me away from my stuff) anyway...the man's name is cesar millan and he talks about the energy we project and how our dogs are always reading it. so he talks about harnessing it, focusing it. basically, he's promoting meditation and dogs as wonderful biofeedback machines. :) not really. but sort of. i mean, there's more about meeting the specific needs of dogs....but i really like a lot of what this book is saying. i am learning much.

ok, let me finish my coffee and find something to eat. i need to make a grocery list. i need to clip the plants N brought over that have been at a friend's house and are half dead...i will minister to those in a few. i need to run...or walk at least. my kids need to be taken to a park to run around or maybe just pull the bikes out in the cul de sac since they slept til nine. i have a little more laundry to fold. i need to clean the rabbit room and mow the grass one more time this season. i need to throw away my wallpaper pulling trash and put the table back against that wall. and i need to vacuum. oh, and mop the kitchen and clean the bathrooms. busy week.... hope my pack will cooperate....

peace

home again, again

so we're home. it was a lovely, lovely time. all four kids had a blast and it was one of those completely reaffirming events for me... got home, took some ibuprofen, and slept soundly for the next eight and a half hours. nothing really hurts this morning, coffee's on, broccoli cheese soup on the stove, life is rolling on.

there are some things i must take care of on my car. the fact that my windshield wiper doesn't work worth a shit is on the top of my list. and i suppose tires should not skid, even a little, so i'm going to have to go have those looked at too. maybe i'll just blow the roof off and get the damn thing inspected, too...

so, there's this thing i wanted to post. i spend a lot of time wrestling with the idea of people understanding me. and i watch many people argue, cry, lament, and otherwise stress over being understood. well, during a discussion, i saw this quote...

You're going to have a hard time convincing me you care what I think. I'm more inclined to think you're just wondering whether or not you should be offended by what you don't understand. It is however making you think and that was my intention all along.

this struck me as one of the most profound things i've read in awhile. i just thought it was brilliant. and true. and something i needed to post here for quicker reference. because oftentimes our emotions get high when we are trying to figure out if we should be offended or not...so we're often looking to put some one's explanation in one of two boxes..."offensive and i must argue back" or "inoffensive and no need to argue back". now, maybe this is just my shit and no one else has it...but this is often true for me. and when i'm being asked, "well, i'm just asking you to explain what you mean" i sometimes feel like this is how i'm being listened to. and it sucks. and that is why i find this to be the most educational thing i've read in awhile. it'll be my holiday mantra...hehehehe

i woke up this morning to a call from my sister. she and her girlfriend are trying to decide their future together or apart... i love my sister and will support whatever she decides. but now that she and i have reached this new level of communication about our relationships (no, i do not have clearly defined "levels of communication"...bahaha...maybe i'm the only one who felt my statement implied that), i get the chance to see how my parents affected someone else in their perspectives on things. she has dad's honesty hang up, too. i was glad to know it wasn't just me. i actually think our dad has come to a different place on his honesty hang up...but since he parented my sister and i before this growth, well, we have to grow that way, too.

which is something i've observed in n... there are so many things he does that remind me of myself when i was younger. which makes sense. but i've already given him all that shit to grow through.... ugh, frustrating.

ok, i need to go eat. i think i just sprained my brain trying to think too much after a long week and with too little caffeine on board...
peace

taking off again

we're heading out here in just a minute. as soon as i get my hair pulled back and out of my face... coffee is made. pumpkin muffins are defrosting. chinese pear still needs to be cut. granola bars and water need to be loaded in car. i will admit i find myself strange to drive four hours one way to go to a birthday party and then turn around and drive four hours home. but i can do this. i must. it is one of those things even i don't understand, but i know if i follow my gut, i will be glad we did it. i see these loved ones so rarely, it will be delightful to go.

everyone say a prayer for my car...

peace out til late tonight... :)

home again, home again

we made it home last night. i thought about getting on the computer, but instead i called my dad and drank most of a bottle of wine while dh took the kids out for a few hours. i was going to leave to visit our old hsing group today, but after only spending a very small amount of time with dh last night (and being pretty drunk while we were hanging out) i decided i'll just make it a day trip tomorrow...leave early, get back late. i think it'll be fun and then i can halt the traveling and take care of my house for awhile. it's all good... i will say that once i got my anxiety about traveling ironed out late the night before i left, things went well and everything was fine. but my anxiety was pretty much contorting me inside. it was very marked when i started to relax...

which is interesting to me because my mother just got diagnosed with grave's disease. and heredity is a big part of thyroid disease. and when i think about how depressed and reclusive my grandmother was, as well as so many other symptoms that i never even thought about...it's just interesting. the sudden connectivity between me and the women in my family is kind of strange and unfamiliar, but still interesting to me. i think i often look at parts of my family as people i spent time with and shared some stuff with, but not really as part of me. i guess it's time to come home to that reality, too, in some ways....

there are so many other thoughts swimming around in my head, but i just have a lot to do. hopefully, once we're back home and back into a routine (of some sort) i'll be able to return to a more cohesive thought process that can cover more than just the basics. but i am doing really well to limit myself to the basics for now...and i think my brain is thanking me for my intervention...
peace

music and dumb things

when we go to the rock climbing gym, they usually have music playing pretty loudly. some of the mamas can get kind of particular about the music being played, but for the most part, it's good music. e usually tells me he likes it. today, he said, "i've heard this good song in your car, mama." it was bob marley. a few minutes later, o comes up to me making sure i can see he's singing, "stand up for your rights." and then a few minutes ago, i heard my oldest tell his dad that today they played bob marley and the wailers at the gym. a dead cockroach can sit in the middle of the floor and not a one of them notice...they frequently shout things to each other and whoever is being shouted to doesn't even hear...but they all noticed the same song today. i love that kind of stuff... (well, s hasn't mentioned it, but 3 out of 4 is still remarkable...)

tonight we watched batman. the one with michael keeton and the joker. toward the end of the movie, as the joker's on parade, e starts saying, "why are they acting like the joker's cool? he's not. batman's cool. the joker's dumb." now...there are some words that are what e calls "mean words." shut up is one. dumb and stupid are also mean words. so it was kind of interesting to watch him sitting in my lap, muttering under his breath, "the joker's just dumb. he's just dumb. batman's not dumb. the joker's dumb." i would quiet him every once in awhile, but it was interesting to me. i think in adult terms, he was saying, "what an asshole motherfucker." i think it felt empowering to him. and what can i say? the joker is mean and nasty and scary and unpredictable and dangerous and hurtful. he's dumb!

ok, i'm driving to get my car fixed tomorrow. two and a half hours away. i am not sure why i am so freaked about it, but i can't seem to shake it, so i'm on "get through it" mode. hopefully, i'll be back tomorrow night. if not...by thursday. dear god, don't make it last til friday....sigh....
peace out

taking time to stop and read the signs

we have a friend (who shall remain nameless to protect his identity) who said one time that he finds it much easier to hold on to all kinds of stereotypes and generalizations because it just doesn't require him to think much....i actually think he said it freed him from having to think so much. he also said that he learned this in the armed services, but i want to clarify that this is just what HE said and in no way reflects my opinion...but i did find it interesting.

because his statement about stereotypes struck me as very unusual. see, when i come across an area that i'm having a hard time in, and realize it's because i'm generalizing or stereotyping, i'm kind of mortified and feel like it's so hard sometimes to realize where all of our thought processes come from and weed out the ones that just aren't helping things any. and then this friend goes and says that and all of a sudden i'm pulled through the looking glass...challenged to look at the issue from the other side...a side i'd never really even considered the existence of.

a mama on a board i'm on posted a question about peace activists holding up signs at a veteran's day parade. their signs said things like, "peace is patriotic," "wage peace," "thank you, veterans," "honor the warrior, not the war," "full funding for vet's benefits," and "honor our troops--bring them home safely." i don't know if this is offensive. i can't know everyone at the parade and how they would interpret this...what experiences they bring to the interpreting. i can say that i don't personally find anything offensive about these sentiments, and even find them very appropriate for an event centered on supporting veterans. but would i carry them? would i have faith that those around me would understand my good intent? and if i don't, then what am i bringing to the table in the way of my own expectations?

see, there have been times in my life that i really, really WANTED the easy answer. that i wanted to just go with my gut, if my gut was kind enough to give me a twinge one way or another. but there's some part of me that says whatever i THINK i should do, i should probably consider the other option. i used to think it was self-doubt to the core. but then my dh asked me how i grew up to be the woman that i am, well, out of the life that i lived. and it wasn't a terrible life. but it's not one i'm going to volunteer my children for either... and i guess i realize that part of who i am is someone who has always had an inner compass. and while it may take me awhile to decide what to do...and it may look like i'm not doing anything...or when i do, it just isn't pretty (i have some mama friends who could back me up more than i'd probably want on this one)...but it's there. and thinking each thing through isn't easy. it's really, really hard. (not that i'm saying a life with stereotypes or just plain old quick thinking isn't...i wouldn't know...i don't live that kind of a life)

anyway. it's just an interesting thing to think about. i do have thoughts about why someone might be offended by those signs...but they all involve a lack of faith on my part. and i am not comfortable with that. i want to believe the best in people, be they peace activist or pro-war (and i think veterans would fall in all along that continuum). i mean, i don't want to get my ass kicked or anything....but why would i be afraid of that? why do i feel, somewhere deep down, like signs are less likely to be read at a veteran's day parade than somewhere else?

maybe science could get involved and study who would be more likely to take the time to read signs before reacting emotionally...

i don't know...it's just an interesting thing to think about.... (that's kind of like an echo...)

well, that was a whole lot of rambling. not like i don't give fair warning.... ;)
peace out

patience

so i've been waiting for something to "come to me" today that i would blog about... i don't think anything has come, but i'll let you know if i figure something out...

but it occurs to me that patience is a large part of this. i get so anxious sometimes for my thoughts to line up and show me something i can play with, write about, talk about, whatever. and then there are other times i get so anxious for my thoughts to quiet down, be still, go to sleep. i'm serious--it is like parenting myself. and this is why i have learned to be a kinder, gentler, more respectful parent. out of my own self-preserving instinct. that doesn't sound so noble, does it? but i don't feel like blogging about that....

we had a really long day today. part of the reason our days have been lasting so long is that we're really not starting them very early. we get up early enough. but that's where our paths diverge. i start coffee, eat breakfast... now, after i've done that, they're just then starting breakfast. what did they do while i was eating? i think they're playing chess and working on dungeons and dragons characters, but i'm not sure. so they eat and while they're eating, "well, i guess i'll just go check email..." so then an hour later, we're all still in pj's, i'm finished on the computer, they're reading or watching pbs kids or playing another game of chess or back to work on d&d....and lunch is in half an hour! so i think it's about damned time we got some work done!!! so we do stuff, get caught up, usually don't eat til 2pm or later... we're just starting our days too late. but that's really all i feel like blogging about that...

did i mention my car was smoking this weekend? i will be driving quite a bit this week. but i think i've already blogged about that...

dh and i have been talking a lot about hsing through high school. it's intimidating... but there's a classical-ish school here that will supplement (read: take on stuff i don't feel like doing for the oldest and give me time to still have fun with the littles) n's "high school" stuff... oh yeah, every time i think about it, i feel the need for quotation marks. (my head bounces a little when i put the "quote" fingers up, too) this is probably something i'll blog a whole lot about....

oh, and my dh just walked in touting e's almost emphatic belief in the blood pressure cuff as a medical healing miracle. this is one of the ways that e keeps us all moving forward because we're laughing too hard to be put off by whatever lies ahead. i took my blood pressure the other day because it had just been feeling kind of high. dh, in all his medical wisdom and experience, doesn't even look at my numbers and says, "let me take mine." (jerk...but i'm over it...haha) so a few times since, e tells me his leg hurts and he needs "this thing" and brings me the blood pressure machine. anyway...i guess it doesn't look that funny in words, but knowing how many times e has come in and casually mentioned something that might could benefit from "this thing"...well, dh walking in here and saying, "man, e's really convinced that blood pressure cuff is magic medicine" well, it just cracked me up.

ok, that's my blog for the day. time to go find some more patience...
peace