borrowing on someone else's wisdom

here's a quote i swiped from another blogger...

Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are your own fears.
--Rudyard Kipling

whoa-ho-ho...amen rudyard! i've been meditating a lot to get myself through some anxieties manifesting themselves through some ugly plays on my insecurities...i don't know. maybe all my psychoses were celebrating thanksgiving, too...you know, aunt anxiety invites uncle insecurity and cousin paranoia over for some turkey. but there's been the big split and mama reason and papa rationale weren't invited...something like that. this is actually starting to sound a bit like the phantom tollbooth...which i haven't read in awhile with the kids. maybe later...

anyway. i have been mindfucking myself quite a lot lately, but i've also found some good coping skills within myself--no, i'm not talking about wine here... it's just a funny, funny life we live. and like i said yesterday, i'm thankful for it. (well, most of the time) but this quote really gets me because i don't know it bothers me so much that fears may "lie", but it's just this mechanism of self-perpetuation that wears me the fuck out. and i just have a long way to go on disciplining myself not to be taken on that ride all the time.

last night, i visited with a really good mama friend of mine and her family. it was fun...i really don't think i've ever visited friends on thanksgiving...like, in my whole adult life...because i'm always with family. (and i'm friends with many family members, but it just struck me as unusual and kind of wonderfully delightful, too) anyway...i was telling her how i put on my running clothes and running shoes first thing in the morning so that i'll run everyday. that my running clothes and especially running shoes are uncomfortable to me...i mean, they are the most comfortable running things i could find, but i generally prefer loose fitting stuff and birks. and generally, i tell myself i can't take that stuff off til after i run...hence, the motivation and sort of "check" to get what i think i should do...done. but some mornings i look down and my shoes are off and i'm like, "who the hell took my running shoes off before i ran?!?!" as though it wasn't me. which i'm sure it was, but it's odd to not remember doing something like that. it's as though one of my personalities saw that the other wasn't looking, and quickly pulled off some nasty little trick and then got the hell out of there. i don't know...i guess as long as i don't start tying my shoelaces together, i shouldn't worry too much...

uh, what was this about again? oh yeah, wisdom...shit. oh well...maybe i'll write about discipline next time...if i can remember...
peace