quick therapy session

so yesterday's euphoria gave way to irritability by the afternoon. i don't think it's a sinus infection, but i do think there is some irritation in there. i'm probably pms-ing, too. woo hoo...

sometimes there are the nastiest, most negative thoughts bumping around in my brain. they often come to me in someone else's voice...N's, a parent's, whoever.... when i'm aware of it, i sometimes try to restate it in my own voice, because it does no good to argue in my head with someone who hasn't even said what i'm so upset about. (am i starting to sound mental?) anyway...yesterday was just one of those days where i felt so physically tired at moments. and at those moments, the negative part of my brain, what anne lamott calls kfkd (or k-fucked) radio, would start playing quite loudly. i think i did a fairly good job at just letting whatever (to use an eckhart tolle term) pain body get its tantrum on and then waiting for it to quiet. i was telling hoperadio a few nights ago how sometimes the reasonable part of me just stands outside of myself, hands on her hips, shaking her head, waiting for whatever's left to get over itself....

we have school work to do. i am cheered by our progress this semester. it's been, like, fucking amazing in so many ways. i mean, there are always ways to improve, but i am fairly blown away by all we've accomplished. i'm disappointed i didn't get them into music classes, but i think it's an okay logical process. they've done rock climbing and soccer...that's pretty good for our first semester in a new town. we'll add more next semester.

christmas is coming, and i'm still feeling pretty good about that. oi, i thought N had thrown away a gift i bought for my mama board gift swapper...THAT was a pisser for a few hours. but then we found her gift, so i had to settle down. it was a good cardio workout for awhile, though...(and on my rest day, too...hehe)

ok, there's this really stupid thing i'm going to get off my chest here...because it bothers me and i blew up over it last night, so...a little therapy. i took the wallpaper off of a wall in our entryway. and since i'd never done that before, i thought i did a fair job. but when i started taking it off a wall in my front living room, well, i started figuring some stuff out. (it's a learning process, right?) so i did about four or five rounds of paper removing in the living room, and got a little more paper each time. (albeit a little less paper with each round, but i was just trying to be sure i got ALL the paper that was going to come off) but i never went back and redid the entryway. so when dh and his bro were texturing the entryway wall, well, it became apparent what a shitty job i'd done. and so dh kept saying, "well, i better be sure that living room wall is ready before i texture it." which is logical. but it's also a tad bit insulting to me because i did a hell of a lot better job in there than in the entry. and mostly, i just felt like an idiot for letting them do the entry without thinking to go back and try to remove more paper... anyway, this has been giving me great frustration...obviously hitting a pain body. the one that doesn't like to make mistakes and really hates to make them in plain sight of others. but i really thought i'd been coaching myself in this way?....hmmm....maybe not?... i don't know. but here's a quote i liked today that made me think of this problem i have...

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."- Theodore Roosevelt

yeah, so surely theodore roosevelt wasn't speaking to me personally, but i can definitely see myself in this statement....in the twilight. although i do feel a little more daring trying to train my 33 year old body to run 13 miles... i'm not saying i want to plunge headlong into this philosophy, but maybe find a bit more balance...oi, that damned word...balance....(i feel like saying balance THIS!!...)

alright, gotta go play checkers with failure...
peace

oh, let me leave this video my sister sent me and my kids HIGHLY recommend for a pick me up...