Tuesday, May 13, 2008

working out of sorts

man, i've been kind of a messy blogger lately....kind of james joyce-y, but not intentional or brilliant at all... just fragmented all over the place. but that's pretty much me lately....

i have struggled with feeling weak, feeling wrong, feeling unworthy because of previously mentioned feelings... a lot of this is just who i am. a lot of it has to do with how the parts of me that were already mine to begin with, were reinforced and shaped in my childhood. (by adults who had plenty of their own shit going on, i might add.) but as i live and keep going, i have choices about awareness and responsibility. it's like working out...it may be uncomfortable at times, but there is an end result in mind...a certain freedom in fitness that i am looking for. just as i first wanted to just be able to run thirteen miles....now i want to run thirteen miles quickly...then maybe twenty-six...i want to be able to navigate relationships more easily, more quickly, more freely...and feel a little less like i'm going to die at the end of them...snort. but this requires a fitness in myself and myself only and that's what i'm working on.

we have been busy today. we are still healing from whatever badness visited us over the weekend, but the kids still wanted to go to rock climbing today. they'd missed physical activity for a week. so we went. now they're kind of lethargic, but i think they're glad they worked themselves out pretty hard. i am proud of them and inspired by them as they learn to listen to themselves and take care of themselves....with a little help from me....sometimes.

we are wrapping up some of our hsing efforts for the year. we've been wrapped up, but now we're "testing"/wrapping up....yeah, time to put our money where our mouths are...or something like that. anyway, it's going well...which is a good thing, because after the month i've had, i don't know how i'd handle bad news right now. even though somewhere inside me the answer is, "like you have been all month" but whatever... it's going well and i'm grateful and look forward to a little closure, although i know we'll be working diligently on things all throughout the summer.

switching subject...emily and amy are humping each other. rather, emily keeps humping amy. and amy squeals a lot as though maybe she's not liking it. well, that was yesterday. they seem to have things worked out for today. which i hope is a sort of permanent arrangement because i read that mice ovulate every three days and that could really put a damper on our enjoyment of our new residents if they have to work this out every time one of them ovulates... but i will say that it amazes me the dominant animals that i have brought into our home...and me not really liking all those shows of dominance and stuff. but one on one, i didn't notice those traits. and in a big group of mice, emily wasn't humping anyone. but get them in the right environment...like say, my house...and the diva or hulk or whatever comes out... i remind myself that my fish never showed dominance, but then who am i kidding? oscar ATE other fish...

ok, back to work. left foot, right foot, breathing....

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