lifting up, sort of

i used to burn a candle all the time. it always had a note card under it with different intentions, mostly people i was praying for, thinking about, sending some peace or healing to. i don't have a place for my candle here, so i made a list tonight, on my blog, of a lot of those people. i think i touched on almost all the branches of my tree. but it felt sort of contrived, weird... i think i am just in a mood and am not satisfied with much right now... so here's a video (or two) that i was thinking about today....

this is the cowboy junkies. i really wanted a video of them singing "cheap is how i feel" but the one that you tube has is not very good quality. and i like this song, too, and it's much better quality...



here's a song by a woman named jonatha brooke. i'll just say there is a desperate longing in me sometimes...and an absolute determination to be the one to figure out how to fill it. yet, i love the line, "you take the wheel..."



dear god, please let me make it through this november pms....
peace

running and learning

running is teaching me things. i think anything we do with much drive that requires discipline that is new to us will teach us things, but since this is one of the first things i've approached with those two ingredients (drive and discipline), it's kind of new to me.

i ran four miles today. that is damn hard work. and i did it. and then i took an hour long nap later. (this was not part of my plan, but my body didn't really care what i had planned...it just needed a freaking nap...)

i am like a whole new person right now. and i don't mean like a bright, shiny new person, either. i mean like, hmmm, i don't usually hurt here, or feel this tired in this way at this time of the day, or why do i feel so warm for no reason...who am i?

i had a blog i was composing in my head about how badly i want to do this (finish the half marathon) and how anxious i get that i won't....be able to finish the run i'm working on, be able to do this, or finish the marathon. and then while i was running, i thought, "it'll be ok if you don't finish..." and my next thought was "NO. you WILL FINISH. you already know you can respect yourself if you don't finish.....look at all the fucking things you haven't finished and you still manage to piece together some self respect. THIS YOU WILL FINISH... and then you can just figure out how much respect to have for yourself after doing that because that will be a new one..."

it's amazing the things that pop into my head when i am totally wearing myself out, pushing myself to my maximum ability. but i will not blog about this today because i am too tired.

the dog whisperer says we should walk our dogs for at least an hour a day (guess i know what i'll be doing after february for a work out) so that they'll be good and tired for the rest of the day....go into a natural restive state. uh, i think i found that natural restive state today. and i can just barely function here...chuckle...but for some reason this cracks me up. i don't know... who am i again?

peace out
marci

here's a video for today. this is what i sing in my head sometimes when i run. although in the video, natalie is looking a little like pink (???) for some reason. but the fiddle player rocks in this one...

quick therapy session

so yesterday's euphoria gave way to irritability by the afternoon. i don't think it's a sinus infection, but i do think there is some irritation in there. i'm probably pms-ing, too. woo hoo...

sometimes there are the nastiest, most negative thoughts bumping around in my brain. they often come to me in someone else's voice...N's, a parent's, whoever.... when i'm aware of it, i sometimes try to restate it in my own voice, because it does no good to argue in my head with someone who hasn't even said what i'm so upset about. (am i starting to sound mental?) anyway...yesterday was just one of those days where i felt so physically tired at moments. and at those moments, the negative part of my brain, what anne lamott calls kfkd (or k-fucked) radio, would start playing quite loudly. i think i did a fairly good job at just letting whatever (to use an eckhart tolle term) pain body get its tantrum on and then waiting for it to quiet. i was telling hoperadio a few nights ago how sometimes the reasonable part of me just stands outside of myself, hands on her hips, shaking her head, waiting for whatever's left to get over itself....

we have school work to do. i am cheered by our progress this semester. it's been, like, fucking amazing in so many ways. i mean, there are always ways to improve, but i am fairly blown away by all we've accomplished. i'm disappointed i didn't get them into music classes, but i think it's an okay logical process. they've done rock climbing and soccer...that's pretty good for our first semester in a new town. we'll add more next semester.

christmas is coming, and i'm still feeling pretty good about that. oi, i thought N had thrown away a gift i bought for my mama board gift swapper...THAT was a pisser for a few hours. but then we found her gift, so i had to settle down. it was a good cardio workout for awhile, though...(and on my rest day, too...hehe)

ok, there's this really stupid thing i'm going to get off my chest here...because it bothers me and i blew up over it last night, so...a little therapy. i took the wallpaper off of a wall in our entryway. and since i'd never done that before, i thought i did a fair job. but when i started taking it off a wall in my front living room, well, i started figuring some stuff out. (it's a learning process, right?) so i did about four or five rounds of paper removing in the living room, and got a little more paper each time. (albeit a little less paper with each round, but i was just trying to be sure i got ALL the paper that was going to come off) but i never went back and redid the entryway. so when dh and his bro were texturing the entryway wall, well, it became apparent what a shitty job i'd done. and so dh kept saying, "well, i better be sure that living room wall is ready before i texture it." which is logical. but it's also a tad bit insulting to me because i did a hell of a lot better job in there than in the entry. and mostly, i just felt like an idiot for letting them do the entry without thinking to go back and try to remove more paper... anyway, this has been giving me great frustration...obviously hitting a pain body. the one that doesn't like to make mistakes and really hates to make them in plain sight of others. but i really thought i'd been coaching myself in this way?....hmmm....maybe not?... i don't know. but here's a quote i liked today that made me think of this problem i have...

"Far better is it to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs, even though checkered by failure... than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much, because they live in a gray twilight that knows not victory nor defeat."- Theodore Roosevelt

yeah, so surely theodore roosevelt wasn't speaking to me personally, but i can definitely see myself in this statement....in the twilight. although i do feel a little more daring trying to train my 33 year old body to run 13 miles... i'm not saying i want to plunge headlong into this philosophy, but maybe find a bit more balance...oi, that damned word...balance....(i feel like saying balance THIS!!...)

alright, gotta go play checkers with failure...
peace

oh, let me leave this video my sister sent me and my kids HIGHLY recommend for a pick me up...

world falls

today is just one of those days...i'm probably getting a sinus infection, but it makes me feel more sensitive, more observant of things i wouldn't normally be, more emotional. (and this makes me smile for some reason)

it's one of those days where i feel very blessed and even lucky to be a part of things going on around me. even the stuff that most frustrates me, still seems to somehow fit perfectly into the tapestry of the world.

the sun coming through the windows is beautiful. the kids playing bionicles in front of one of the windows are brilliant...the saying "we are spiritual beings having a physical experience"comes to mind because my children are more in touch at times with their spiritual sides than i think i, personally, can ever hope to be.

it is still cool, but warming a bit. i am grateful for this because hopefully the heater will not run as much, although we had two humidifiers going last night and i think there might have been less coughing this morning. but the weather still inspires me.

the work we have to do today is something i look forward to rather than dread. this, alone, is enough to convince me that there is something unique happening in the universe today....

i look forward to our vacation in january...snow...whee....this, too, makes me smile.

i am grateful for the tribes i belong to--families, mamas, friends...they teach me, challenge me, support me, and just grow me into a better person each day. i hope i can be the sort of friend they have been to me...

ok, enough sap...
peace

maybe time to slow down a bit

so it was slow waking up around here this morning. my eyes feel like there is sand in them and i hear lots of coughing going on all around me. thirteen year old has already told me he doesn't feel well--throat hurts and headache behind the eyes. nine year old looks cheery as always and four year old was downright grouchy upon wake up this morning... so we're going to have chicken and rice soup for breakfast and hope for the best... and i'll get their humidifier running by this afternoon...i'm hoping this is just the heater messing with everyone.

and the heater HAS been in overdrive, because it is damned cold here. (and i love it) it's nice... with christmas a month away and advent starting this weekend, it's cool that even the weather is cooperating with the whole mood of it all. it is cold...bbrisk (typo but i liked it)...makes you want to get stuff done. and if you can get it done inside in the warmth, even better. i will be doing lessons today with my guys, probably paying some bills, doing some online shopping, doing some laundry, and maybe even pulling out christmas stuff today. oh, and taking care of my guys, too...because as much as people feel pulled to hurry and get things DONE this season, i'm determined to take my time and feel it....actually put myself there...not just some shadow of myself...my "secretary".... and with these four beautiful people (+ dad) to share things with, why not be "present" to share with them all?...

it's going to be a good one...
peace

running, thanksgiving continues, and loving one's spouse

i think i have mentioned that one of my biggest challenges in this half marathon isn't the physical aspects. it will be all about the mental ability to focus on something that will last for so long and not get overwhelmed by anxiety. it will be hard to run that first mile if i allow the next twelve to be piled up on my shoulders, clouding and twisting my thoughts, tightening my chest and tensing my muscles... i didn't realize how difficult it would be until i ran my first three mile run the other day. my body handled it find but it was a little hairy starting out. but i did it...and that felt good. it would be awesome to come away from this not just physically more fit, but also mentally more fit..... (a girl can dream....) :)

we had thanksgiving with my husband's family yesterday. well, half of his family. but it was a good half...we had a good time, the food was good, and i'm glad with the way it went. it was sad when half of the family called to say they weren't coming...we'd been planning this for awhile. but it really did turn out to be a good time, i think enjoyed by all. so now i find myself cozily deposited into the christmas season. i have some christmas shopping to do online and some lesson plans to write up for the week. we'll be starting advent soon...woo-hoo! i think we should get the tree sometime this week just because N is on nights next month and i don't know what that will be like...and i THINK we're going to try to put up christmas lights this year. (man, i am just feeling wild here...) :) but i'm actually excited about christmas this year...not feeling overwhelmed and exhausted already...

and N.... he's singing "silent lucidity" right now as i type. maybe that says more than i could? (ha) he makes me so damned crazy sometimes, but he is such a good man and he really is my best friend, even though i treat him pretty shittily sometimes. (uh, as he brings me coffee and half a pumpkin empanada?....dude, what is going on here? i don't think he knows i'm writing about him...weird...) i just look back and see and feel so much more good than bad and am grateful for the ground we've covered, the places we've been, and the time we've shared.

ok, i have more, but i think this was reasonable...i don't want to completely purge at once... :) because for all these things i am humbly grateful. the spirit of giving thanks is still with me and i will sit in it for as long as i can. i have learned to sit in negative feelings, but not yet to appreciate the positive experiences and sit in them... and i don't want to run off from this too quickly...
peace

borrowing on someone else's wisdom

here's a quote i swiped from another blogger...

Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are your own fears.
--Rudyard Kipling

whoa-ho-ho...amen rudyard! i've been meditating a lot to get myself through some anxieties manifesting themselves through some ugly plays on my insecurities...i don't know. maybe all my psychoses were celebrating thanksgiving, too...you know, aunt anxiety invites uncle insecurity and cousin paranoia over for some turkey. but there's been the big split and mama reason and papa rationale weren't invited...something like that. this is actually starting to sound a bit like the phantom tollbooth...which i haven't read in awhile with the kids. maybe later...

anyway. i have been mindfucking myself quite a lot lately, but i've also found some good coping skills within myself--no, i'm not talking about wine here... it's just a funny, funny life we live. and like i said yesterday, i'm thankful for it. (well, most of the time) but this quote really gets me because i don't know it bothers me so much that fears may "lie", but it's just this mechanism of self-perpetuation that wears me the fuck out. and i just have a long way to go on disciplining myself not to be taken on that ride all the time.

last night, i visited with a really good mama friend of mine and her family. it was fun...i really don't think i've ever visited friends on thanksgiving...like, in my whole adult life...because i'm always with family. (and i'm friends with many family members, but it just struck me as unusual and kind of wonderfully delightful, too) anyway...i was telling her how i put on my running clothes and running shoes first thing in the morning so that i'll run everyday. that my running clothes and especially running shoes are uncomfortable to me...i mean, they are the most comfortable running things i could find, but i generally prefer loose fitting stuff and birks. and generally, i tell myself i can't take that stuff off til after i run...hence, the motivation and sort of "check" to get what i think i should do...done. but some mornings i look down and my shoes are off and i'm like, "who the hell took my running shoes off before i ran?!?!" as though it wasn't me. which i'm sure it was, but it's odd to not remember doing something like that. it's as though one of my personalities saw that the other wasn't looking, and quickly pulled off some nasty little trick and then got the hell out of there. i don't know...i guess as long as i don't start tying my shoelaces together, i shouldn't worry too much...

uh, what was this about again? oh yeah, wisdom...shit. oh well...maybe i'll write about discipline next time...if i can remember...
peace

laughing on the outside

hey, it's thanksgiving...a day of, well, thanks. and the kids and i talked a lot about thanks today. it was a good day...and for that i am thankful.

my grandparents came by today. well, since they were diagnosed with alzheimer's and senior dementia, they don't drive. but my parents (dad and stepmom) brought them by (along with sister and a brother) on their way to relocating my grandparents to a different assisted living program. (relocating them from the town my stepmom lives in to the town her brother lives in...it's his turn) now, these are technically my stepgrandparents, but i've known them since i was a baby. and while my grandmother (who we happen to call yang yang, write yy) didn't like me for a long time...probably until i turned nineteen or something...my grandfather (who we call papa) has always been a very sweet man and made up (mostly) for my grandmother's meanness. and btw, she was kind of mean to everyone, not just me, and that, ultimately, helped too... (man that was a lot of commas)

anyway...now that they're older and, well, losing their minds...it's my yy who's kind of sweet to be around and papa always looks really stressed out. so it's strange. i think they both know something's up and they are not functioning at normal capacity. but while yy just kind of shrugs her shoulders and gives this, "well, what the fuck you gonna do?" kind of expression, papa looks like he wants to cry but is too pissed off to do it. that part's pretty sad if you think about it. but see, here's the deal, you just can't really think about it. because it sucks. i mean, it's part of life, and i can accept that. they're well into their eighties if they haven't already crossed over into their nineties...they've had good, full lives... but just like my calf hurts when i run too much, they just lived too much, and now their brains are, well, wearing down is a nice way of saying it.

it's weird because i don't really miss the way they were. (yy really was pretty bitchy) and seeing papa like this has kind of made me distrustful of all the good stuff before...(like, was he really this surly inside and just being nice outside? i don't know...it's just weird) and it isn't just some selfish "will this be me in the future?" because i don't think it will necessarily be alzheimer's that gets me. and truthfully, they aren't miserable. i mean, there are moments of recognition on their faces, but they come and go, just like whether they know who i am, or what my name is, or who the hell all these kids are. my grandfather was working really hard to remember what my husband does for a living. he was someone who talked to N a lot about med school and i could tell he wanted to bring that stuff up. but all he could remember was doctor of pharmacy, which N isn't, but close enough.

we all smiled a lot today. i served them food and yy had to ask my sister what my name was so she could tell me lunch was good. we talked about some stuff they remembered and let go the stuff they didn't. i worried when my grandmother walked out of the house and my mom didn't go after her the same way i would if a mama let their child go to the car unaccompanied. my dad made my youngest child cry. my brother played with my kids and sucked his thumb and helped my grandfather buckle his seat belt. my sister tried to make everything alright and did a hell of a job of it. my mom likes my house and drank hot tea here...kind of what i see as her baptizing a new place. there was much laughing and smiling going on. but the fact that i sit here crying as i type this makes me think there's a lot more going on inside....and i'm thankful for that shit, too.

peace

worms roxanne, i was afraid of worms....

in the movie, this line was supposed to be delivered using "words" instead of "worms"... it has always been one of my favorite lines. but i am not afraid of words... i have a ton of them and i use them almost constantly...bahaha

when i was teaching (well, i still am teaching...but when i was teaching other people's kids in schools not run by me), one of the goals we were always pressed to achieve was a "literature rich environment" for our students. with preschoolers, it meant labeling everything...window...door....chair...(i always wanted to make one that said "little white piece of paper" :) ) it also meant lots of posters with words, alphabet cards, a writing center, books everywhere. for older levels it meant giving them access to a variety of written media...reading aloud...library visits...

when i was teaching (we've been through this already) , we were also always encouraging our kids to use their words. sometimes, we even had to encourage each other to use our words because for some reason, teachers can be a pretty passive aggressive group of women...but that's a different blog...try calm assertive energy. but it just occurred to me the other day how much we pushed the importance of words. using them, being able to read them, writing them. i still do it as a parent...(and a teacher of my own kids) and even now, i still try to hone my ability to convey accurately what i am thinking.

but sometimes, i think i work too hard at the words. sometimes, i am so dominated by trying to work through something, find the words, figure it out...that i make myself miserable. because while i am doing all that thinking...i am not doing anything else usually. i mean, if i write for a bit, that usually helps because writing is an action. it's when i immobilize myself thinking, searching for those perfect words that will unlock the door to an eternity of happiness, that i'm speaking of specifically.

i got in an argument with n last night. and it sucked. because i did not see it coming and it felt pretty crappy all around. i'm sure it had to do with N being home and kind of upsetting the balance in mine and n's interactions. and that was as disconcerting as the actual argument. i think the weirdness was felt by N, too, because he ended up getting kind of drunk last night. (sometimes i think he would do well to use a few more words than he does, but what the hell do i know?) the irony was that afterward i was thinking about what i could have said differently, or better, or what i should have said instead....and i really think i just should've shut up.

so today i told my kids that it was good to use your words. but that sometimes there were things that words wouldn't work to make better. and that it was okay to just try doing something--as long as it does not hurt someone else or yourself--and see how you felt after that.

it's not that i think words are bad...i'm still not afraid of them. i just think it's another thing that i tend to get out of balance with. ok, off to go DO something....
peace

calm assertive energy

this is what cesar says we should always try to project with dogs. he does mention that calm submissive helps marriages work, but no one is married to their dog. well, at least not legally, but i suppose if it was consensual?...i don't know...that was not where i was headed...

calm assertive energy. this is the goal. again, i am just really turned on (for lack of a better word) by the way this book about DOGS talks about energy being the one true universal language. i think not being from america, maybe mr. millan just doesn't understand that this isn't something most americans consider..."what kind of energy am i projecting?" maybe "do these shoes match my belt?" or "should i get my teeth bleached?" but i didn't hear anyone talk about energy til i met my friend jeanni when i was 31. and it has opened a whole new realm for me...a whole new room in my attic to roam, so to speak. so i am quite taken by this book. (although my head pounded so badly last night that i only read about five pages before i fell asleep)

calm assertive energy. this is not the frantic defensive energy i've been swimming in for a few days. nope, that's not the same thing. and i hate being stuck in that. but maybe i'm just not a four wheel drive yet, and so when i hit something like that, i get stuck. and spin my wheels for fucking ever, unable to get out. until someone hands me a damn board, and the one i got last night said "CALM ASSERTIVE ENERGY". (noticing a theme?)

i like the way mr. millan presents this in his book because he is not looking to "fix" anyone....bahaha...cracking myself up with my dog puns. anyway. he's not saying my life will suck if i can't master this calm assertive energy. he's just saying if i want to be the pack leader--and apparently my dogs NEED for me to be the pack leader--that i have to learn how to project this energy. and he says if i don't feel it...if i'm usually a much more emotional person (NOT that he was speaking to me PERSONALLY)....then i need to learn how to fake it. because my dog won't respect me if i can't project it. because agitated dominance and agitated submissive tell my dog that i'm an unstable pack leader. (holy shit, ain't that the truth? my kids could SO second that emotion....but i think they've learned to trust me...chuckle)

i plan to keep learning lots from this book. i tried to implement some of it while at the grocery store TWICE today. (no, i'm not a glutton for punishment...knowing my tendency to get totally overwhelmed these days, i figured i'd break it up into two trips today...one with just little bit to pick up the non-perishables and then the second with the whole crew to get the cold stuff...it worked out alright, i think) but being the tuesday before thanksgiving, the stores were a MAD HOUSE....don't people eat on other days besides thanksgiving? i mean, wtf? but EVERYONE shops for food the week before thanksgiving. because it's the one day of the year we ALL eat on.... and i was trying to project calm assertive energy toward all the other shoppers. but i don't think humans really are pack animals. i mean, mr. millan says we are, but they were not reading my energy at all. and when i read some of their energy, well, it was kind of weird. i mean, most of them seemed pretty tired, pretty overwhelmed, pretty unhappy. the grocery store is such a strange place. people don't often seem "plugged in" to what's going on around them. anyway, i could attempt to make a joke here....think of funny names for the different energies i read today...but i really think sometimes we need to tune into the humanity of those we're walking with, whether we chose to show up at the grocery at the same time they did or not. and i'm a little worn these days (what with all that frantic defending i've been doing in my head) and i probably wouldn't feel like someone i don't even know fucking with me. so i'm not going to fuck with anyone today... i figure we all have thanksgiving coming, and we're just looking to have a nice day with at least one or two opportunities to reflect on life and hug those we love and maybe those we don't see very often. so i wish that for all those folks who i shared space with today. that, and some calm assertive energy...
peace

what's my motivation again?...

i am tired. damn, i'm tired.

my knee is not cooperating with me this morning... think it KNOWS i'm going to try to run this half marathon in february? nah... but what the hell? driving? was it the twelve hours of driving (or more) that i did this week? was pushing the accelerator and brake THAT taxing? i don't know. it's just one of those things i'm too damned tired to deal with rationally. crying sounds good...

i am not in any way prepared for today. i have no lesson plans, although i suppose we can just start with wednesday of last week and do what didn't get done last week. i have no food. i need to make a grocery list. but thanksgiving is this week and my bil "assigned" everyone dishes to make. so i have to go buy specific food--like not just whatever is on sale. and he told me last night that the store was "already sold out of frozen cranberries" and, well, i just don't have the resources to deal with this! you mean to tell me we have to be on the ball for our thanksgiving shopping or else we can't cook thanksgiving?!?! oh for the love of god, i give up. i'll bring peanut butter and jelly for thanksgiving...sheesh... it just doesn't seem like giving thanks is something we should have to hurry up or lose out on...but maybe i'm just not in the right place this morning.

i am reading a new book. it is by the dog whisperer. and i think it is a great book. one of the really neat things about this book is that this man identifies the one universal language as energy. wow. never thought i'd find such a simple, yet completely integrated way of looking at energy in a book about dog psychology. but here it is and i really, really am liking reading it. (probably a small part of why i am so unprepared today..but it has been a long time since a book kept me away from my stuff) anyway...the man's name is cesar millan and he talks about the energy we project and how our dogs are always reading it. so he talks about harnessing it, focusing it. basically, he's promoting meditation and dogs as wonderful biofeedback machines. :) not really. but sort of. i mean, there's more about meeting the specific needs of dogs....but i really like a lot of what this book is saying. i am learning much.

ok, let me finish my coffee and find something to eat. i need to make a grocery list. i need to clip the plants N brought over that have been at a friend's house and are half dead...i will minister to those in a few. i need to run...or walk at least. my kids need to be taken to a park to run around or maybe just pull the bikes out in the cul de sac since they slept til nine. i have a little more laundry to fold. i need to clean the rabbit room and mow the grass one more time this season. i need to throw away my wallpaper pulling trash and put the table back against that wall. and i need to vacuum. oh, and mop the kitchen and clean the bathrooms. busy week.... hope my pack will cooperate....

peace

home again, again

so we're home. it was a lovely, lovely time. all four kids had a blast and it was one of those completely reaffirming events for me... got home, took some ibuprofen, and slept soundly for the next eight and a half hours. nothing really hurts this morning, coffee's on, broccoli cheese soup on the stove, life is rolling on.

there are some things i must take care of on my car. the fact that my windshield wiper doesn't work worth a shit is on the top of my list. and i suppose tires should not skid, even a little, so i'm going to have to go have those looked at too. maybe i'll just blow the roof off and get the damn thing inspected, too...

so, there's this thing i wanted to post. i spend a lot of time wrestling with the idea of people understanding me. and i watch many people argue, cry, lament, and otherwise stress over being understood. well, during a discussion, i saw this quote...

You're going to have a hard time convincing me you care what I think. I'm more inclined to think you're just wondering whether or not you should be offended by what you don't understand. It is however making you think and that was my intention all along.

this struck me as one of the most profound things i've read in awhile. i just thought it was brilliant. and true. and something i needed to post here for quicker reference. because oftentimes our emotions get high when we are trying to figure out if we should be offended or not...so we're often looking to put some one's explanation in one of two boxes..."offensive and i must argue back" or "inoffensive and no need to argue back". now, maybe this is just my shit and no one else has it...but this is often true for me. and when i'm being asked, "well, i'm just asking you to explain what you mean" i sometimes feel like this is how i'm being listened to. and it sucks. and that is why i find this to be the most educational thing i've read in awhile. it'll be my holiday mantra...hehehehe

i woke up this morning to a call from my sister. she and her girlfriend are trying to decide their future together or apart... i love my sister and will support whatever she decides. but now that she and i have reached this new level of communication about our relationships (no, i do not have clearly defined "levels of communication"...bahaha...maybe i'm the only one who felt my statement implied that), i get the chance to see how my parents affected someone else in their perspectives on things. she has dad's honesty hang up, too. i was glad to know it wasn't just me. i actually think our dad has come to a different place on his honesty hang up...but since he parented my sister and i before this growth, well, we have to grow that way, too.

which is something i've observed in n... there are so many things he does that remind me of myself when i was younger. which makes sense. but i've already given him all that shit to grow through.... ugh, frustrating.

ok, i need to go eat. i think i just sprained my brain trying to think too much after a long week and with too little caffeine on board...
peace

taking off again

we're heading out here in just a minute. as soon as i get my hair pulled back and out of my face... coffee is made. pumpkin muffins are defrosting. chinese pear still needs to be cut. granola bars and water need to be loaded in car. i will admit i find myself strange to drive four hours one way to go to a birthday party and then turn around and drive four hours home. but i can do this. i must. it is one of those things even i don't understand, but i know if i follow my gut, i will be glad we did it. i see these loved ones so rarely, it will be delightful to go.

everyone say a prayer for my car...

peace out til late tonight... :)

home again, home again

we made it home last night. i thought about getting on the computer, but instead i called my dad and drank most of a bottle of wine while dh took the kids out for a few hours. i was going to leave to visit our old hsing group today, but after only spending a very small amount of time with dh last night (and being pretty drunk while we were hanging out) i decided i'll just make it a day trip tomorrow...leave early, get back late. i think it'll be fun and then i can halt the traveling and take care of my house for awhile. it's all good... i will say that once i got my anxiety about traveling ironed out late the night before i left, things went well and everything was fine. but my anxiety was pretty much contorting me inside. it was very marked when i started to relax...

which is interesting to me because my mother just got diagnosed with grave's disease. and heredity is a big part of thyroid disease. and when i think about how depressed and reclusive my grandmother was, as well as so many other symptoms that i never even thought about...it's just interesting. the sudden connectivity between me and the women in my family is kind of strange and unfamiliar, but still interesting to me. i think i often look at parts of my family as people i spent time with and shared some stuff with, but not really as part of me. i guess it's time to come home to that reality, too, in some ways....

there are so many other thoughts swimming around in my head, but i just have a lot to do. hopefully, once we're back home and back into a routine (of some sort) i'll be able to return to a more cohesive thought process that can cover more than just the basics. but i am doing really well to limit myself to the basics for now...and i think my brain is thanking me for my intervention...
peace

music and dumb things

when we go to the rock climbing gym, they usually have music playing pretty loudly. some of the mamas can get kind of particular about the music being played, but for the most part, it's good music. e usually tells me he likes it. today, he said, "i've heard this good song in your car, mama." it was bob marley. a few minutes later, o comes up to me making sure i can see he's singing, "stand up for your rights." and then a few minutes ago, i heard my oldest tell his dad that today they played bob marley and the wailers at the gym. a dead cockroach can sit in the middle of the floor and not a one of them notice...they frequently shout things to each other and whoever is being shouted to doesn't even hear...but they all noticed the same song today. i love that kind of stuff... (well, s hasn't mentioned it, but 3 out of 4 is still remarkable...)

tonight we watched batman. the one with michael keeton and the joker. toward the end of the movie, as the joker's on parade, e starts saying, "why are they acting like the joker's cool? he's not. batman's cool. the joker's dumb." now...there are some words that are what e calls "mean words." shut up is one. dumb and stupid are also mean words. so it was kind of interesting to watch him sitting in my lap, muttering under his breath, "the joker's just dumb. he's just dumb. batman's not dumb. the joker's dumb." i would quiet him every once in awhile, but it was interesting to me. i think in adult terms, he was saying, "what an asshole motherfucker." i think it felt empowering to him. and what can i say? the joker is mean and nasty and scary and unpredictable and dangerous and hurtful. he's dumb!

ok, i'm driving to get my car fixed tomorrow. two and a half hours away. i am not sure why i am so freaked about it, but i can't seem to shake it, so i'm on "get through it" mode. hopefully, i'll be back tomorrow night. if not...by thursday. dear god, don't make it last til friday....sigh....
peace out

taking time to stop and read the signs

we have a friend (who shall remain nameless to protect his identity) who said one time that he finds it much easier to hold on to all kinds of stereotypes and generalizations because it just doesn't require him to think much....i actually think he said it freed him from having to think so much. he also said that he learned this in the armed services, but i want to clarify that this is just what HE said and in no way reflects my opinion...but i did find it interesting.

because his statement about stereotypes struck me as very unusual. see, when i come across an area that i'm having a hard time in, and realize it's because i'm generalizing or stereotyping, i'm kind of mortified and feel like it's so hard sometimes to realize where all of our thought processes come from and weed out the ones that just aren't helping things any. and then this friend goes and says that and all of a sudden i'm pulled through the looking glass...challenged to look at the issue from the other side...a side i'd never really even considered the existence of.

a mama on a board i'm on posted a question about peace activists holding up signs at a veteran's day parade. their signs said things like, "peace is patriotic," "wage peace," "thank you, veterans," "honor the warrior, not the war," "full funding for vet's benefits," and "honor our troops--bring them home safely." i don't know if this is offensive. i can't know everyone at the parade and how they would interpret this...what experiences they bring to the interpreting. i can say that i don't personally find anything offensive about these sentiments, and even find them very appropriate for an event centered on supporting veterans. but would i carry them? would i have faith that those around me would understand my good intent? and if i don't, then what am i bringing to the table in the way of my own expectations?

see, there have been times in my life that i really, really WANTED the easy answer. that i wanted to just go with my gut, if my gut was kind enough to give me a twinge one way or another. but there's some part of me that says whatever i THINK i should do, i should probably consider the other option. i used to think it was self-doubt to the core. but then my dh asked me how i grew up to be the woman that i am, well, out of the life that i lived. and it wasn't a terrible life. but it's not one i'm going to volunteer my children for either... and i guess i realize that part of who i am is someone who has always had an inner compass. and while it may take me awhile to decide what to do...and it may look like i'm not doing anything...or when i do, it just isn't pretty (i have some mama friends who could back me up more than i'd probably want on this one)...but it's there. and thinking each thing through isn't easy. it's really, really hard. (not that i'm saying a life with stereotypes or just plain old quick thinking isn't...i wouldn't know...i don't live that kind of a life)

anyway. it's just an interesting thing to think about. i do have thoughts about why someone might be offended by those signs...but they all involve a lack of faith on my part. and i am not comfortable with that. i want to believe the best in people, be they peace activist or pro-war (and i think veterans would fall in all along that continuum). i mean, i don't want to get my ass kicked or anything....but why would i be afraid of that? why do i feel, somewhere deep down, like signs are less likely to be read at a veteran's day parade than somewhere else?

maybe science could get involved and study who would be more likely to take the time to read signs before reacting emotionally...

i don't know...it's just an interesting thing to think about.... (that's kind of like an echo...)

well, that was a whole lot of rambling. not like i don't give fair warning.... ;)
peace out

patience

so i've been waiting for something to "come to me" today that i would blog about... i don't think anything has come, but i'll let you know if i figure something out...

but it occurs to me that patience is a large part of this. i get so anxious sometimes for my thoughts to line up and show me something i can play with, write about, talk about, whatever. and then there are other times i get so anxious for my thoughts to quiet down, be still, go to sleep. i'm serious--it is like parenting myself. and this is why i have learned to be a kinder, gentler, more respectful parent. out of my own self-preserving instinct. that doesn't sound so noble, does it? but i don't feel like blogging about that....

we had a really long day today. part of the reason our days have been lasting so long is that we're really not starting them very early. we get up early enough. but that's where our paths diverge. i start coffee, eat breakfast... now, after i've done that, they're just then starting breakfast. what did they do while i was eating? i think they're playing chess and working on dungeons and dragons characters, but i'm not sure. so they eat and while they're eating, "well, i guess i'll just go check email..." so then an hour later, we're all still in pj's, i'm finished on the computer, they're reading or watching pbs kids or playing another game of chess or back to work on d&d....and lunch is in half an hour! so i think it's about damned time we got some work done!!! so we do stuff, get caught up, usually don't eat til 2pm or later... we're just starting our days too late. but that's really all i feel like blogging about that...

did i mention my car was smoking this weekend? i will be driving quite a bit this week. but i think i've already blogged about that...

dh and i have been talking a lot about hsing through high school. it's intimidating... but there's a classical-ish school here that will supplement (read: take on stuff i don't feel like doing for the oldest and give me time to still have fun with the littles) n's "high school" stuff... oh yeah, every time i think about it, i feel the need for quotation marks. (my head bounces a little when i put the "quote" fingers up, too) this is probably something i'll blog a whole lot about....

oh, and my dh just walked in touting e's almost emphatic belief in the blood pressure cuff as a medical healing miracle. this is one of the ways that e keeps us all moving forward because we're laughing too hard to be put off by whatever lies ahead. i took my blood pressure the other day because it had just been feeling kind of high. dh, in all his medical wisdom and experience, doesn't even look at my numbers and says, "let me take mine." (jerk...but i'm over it...haha) so a few times since, e tells me his leg hurts and he needs "this thing" and brings me the blood pressure machine. anyway...i guess it doesn't look that funny in words, but knowing how many times e has come in and casually mentioned something that might could benefit from "this thing"...well, dh walking in here and saying, "man, e's really convinced that blood pressure cuff is magic medicine" well, it just cracked me up.

ok, that's my blog for the day. time to go find some more patience...
peace

beautiful day

today was quite lovely. we went and met dh's family at zilker park for one of our nephew's birthday. it was a lot of fun. it was weird because dh has two sisters and the one who planned this party seems to be irritating a lot of family members. they all seemed so put out with her lack of planning skills. but i don't see how the way she planned things was all that differently from the way most of us plan things...and the things that people didn't know, well, let's just say we all have cell phones, you know? so even though folks seemed kind of grumpy at the beginning, and a little inflexible, too...well, it was a hell of a party and i think everyone who was there had a blast. (which just happened to be all of dh's immediate family--which is no small task as he is one of five and they all have kids, so there are....let me see....counting his parents, 27 of us. only the niece who was up here this past week had to stay home because she had too much homework that didn't get done during the tourney... they had a massive soccer game. it'll be interesting to see how long it takes the family, collectively, to heal from that one.

something else about today....we love watching birds. well, really, we're more raptor watchers than bird watchers. we love hawks, owls, vultures...we've seen ospreys and i think we once saw a crested cara cara, which even though i'm probably spelling wrong, i really did see. anyway... there was this pair of red tailed hawks at the park today. we watched them for a long time. we kept making up stuff that their presence was "foretelling"... well, one landed in a tree right by our picnic tables. so my nephews and my oldest son and i were standing under it. sigh, all i can say is that is truly an amazingly huge and awesome bird. it was fucking huge!!! i was amazed, humbled, and totally impressed. they just don't look that big from the side of the road or up in the air. and when it took off, well, that was icing.

so onward and upward. i have to travel to get my car fixed this week. i don't know a lot about cars, but i think smoke coming out of my radio is probably not a good thing. but now that the radio's turned off, things seem fine. but i'm getting a little cramped by what my car can't do these days...power windows, side view mirrors, now the radio...so off to visit grandpa we go...

prayers to the mamas
prayers to the brothers (they're just needing it lately, it seems)
prayers to all the parents

oh! and a huge cheers to my sister who ran a half marathon today!!! and while i think i might could do it if i HAD to...i'm pretty sure i couldn't do it in the three hours and seven minutes she did....

ok, that's all i got
peace

accepting

there's this thing i have to work on... i don't exactly own a pair of rosy colored glasses, but i might. i don't think i'm exactly blind when it comes to my optimism, but maybe sometimes i just am. and even then, i don't think it's 100% a bad thing. but there are lessons i have learned more than once that are kind of hard lessons...and i feel kind of stupid when i learn the same lesson more than once. not that i think that's stupid, but i do sometimes feel that way. because while i don't think optimism is stupid, i do think not recognizing the truth can be. so what i think i need to work on sometimes is just accepting things the way they are. because what i do is vacillate back and forth between believing something's just great and then absolute devastation that it's not, never really finding that place in the middle where i can accept something might not be great, but it's not exactly horrid either.

so that is something i am going to work on. i'm not exactly sure how to do it...haven't exactly penned my program yet...but it's something i'll probably be praying for a little light on. (and trying like mad to accept wherever i land in this endeavor, huh?)

peace

humility

god, she is an amazing being.... no, i mean god, like capital-g god. she's amazing. :)

i'm only kidding, halfway. i've talked with my kids a lot this year about how god isn't male just because the bible uses only male pronouns. that while i'm sure they feel nice about a god loving them like their father, isn't is a little more comforting to think god also loves them like their mother? the looks on their faces were answer enough and quite reassuring that they needed to hear this. i know i did when i finally heard it...

but that is not the topic i'm looking to lighten off my chest today. today (and last night) my thoughts centered on my own frustrations, tension, whatnot. then i heard from some friends after the kids went to bed and it was one of those times where i stop and remember i am not the only person on this carousel. it is a HUGE carousel and many people ride it....many people feel when it goes too fast and they, too, almost get flung. which usually makes me feel kind of silly that i was so absorbed in myself. but then i remember that if i don't hold on, i can't grab others falling off either....

see, i know we all struggle. and i've given up on trying to judge who struggles more, whose struggles are greater, who deserves the most help or comfort or slack or whatever. it's that whole cosmic balance thing that i've written about before and i really think it's bullshit. (for what it's worth, i think that's probably why our culture tends to undervalue children and their emotions..."you've got three squares, a roof over your head, you don't work...you expect me to care that you're afraid of a monster that i don't see or believe in? go to bed..." and that kind of thinking...) but we all struggle and it's hard and we all need some help. so, conversely, we should all help when we can. i mean, i realize it's inevitable that we all will fall off the carousel at some point or another...but there's no reason to not work together to make the ride the best we can.

so anyway... i look at the friends i have, the people whose journeys i share, and they all struggle with something. but they also help others in the best ways they know how and are able. most of them have expressed those moments of feeling at the end of their ropes, the place of no return...and most of them eventually found more rope and, thankfully, returned.

but it is that time of year...the holidays...and as much as i love them i cannot deny the stress they bring....to get everything done so we can enjoy our time... the pressure of finding that perfect reflection of our feelings for someone (that part i like) by christmas (that is the part that makes me my eye twitch because i love a lot of people and a deadline doesn't work well for me). but thankfully, most of the people who love me back know that about me by now and are very understanding about my time-challenge.

but i digress... it's the part of the year where i tend to have the most worries about my own mental and physical health. but i also worry about some of the friends i have. and when i was younger, before my own life required so much of my own involvement (yes, there was a time like that) i was the one to take people camping or on road trips or out to dinner to help them get through those times...you know, til they found more rope or started to feel like returning. but now, i am not usually that person. and when you are so far removed, your words are, well, to quote the indigo girls, a little more like paper tigers. they are not so powerful. so i have had moments of tears... tears like when little ones cry because they just can't figure out how to tie their shoes....or open the nutella. but then you show them, and the tears evaporate as they begin focusing on conquering that thing that just frustrated them so completely thirty seconds before and using those skills you just taught them. kids are so good at that....letting go of that frustration and focusing their energy and attention on the solution. because they remain focused on solving the problem and not their frustration at not knowing all the answers all the time. (yeah, yeah, i know they lose this...or it gets taken from them whatever...) [this is a really crappy paragraph i am too tired to edit into making sense or not sounding so, well, crappy...maybe later?]

anyway, i had one of those moments last night. i felt overwhelmed because i was holding on tight as i could, but then also realized others were slipping, too. and i knew i couldn't reach for them physically. but then i remembered i could pray. and not the kind of praying you do in the car, "please get this idiot out of my way or i will be later than i already am"... i don't know that god really has time for that kind of crap, although i still dish it. (i'm pretty sure a parent/child relationship analogy may be the best when it comes to our heavenly mother)

but a real, reaching down and pulling the energy into a line...clearing the mind and focusing on a purpose...laying aside my own individuality and being united in something greater...

peace

breathe

first of all, i have a pounding headache. i have had a pounding headache off and on since about tuesday. i guess i'll just have to suck it up and try the neti pot, but i'm kind of ashamed to say i am contemplating just skipping straight to the pills...but only kind of ashamed...

this is one of those times in the year when things get going really fast, and if you don't hang on, the fucking carousel will fling you and not even miss you, you know? my kids were kind of tense today. and then we went to watch my niece play a basketball game--she's in a tourney here--and things seemed a lot better. go buy a gift for nephew who's birthday is today (ok, call made, whew), come home and unpack car, clean it out, make plans to meet bil and fam and niece and friend for dinner, tell kids to get shoes on and WHAM, first and third borns are facing off, yelling at each other in the driveway... uh, what the hell happened here?!?! and do i really care or do i just want it to fucking BE OVER?.... (this is an important question to ask yourself before acting...because the first requires a lot of time that if you're really the second you will resent the shit out of being asked to give said time...just something i've learned from experience)

so that carousel almost flung us all... but we made it through. ate chinese buffet--which is not going to help the sinus pain i've been having this week, but fuck it. and now we're home. half the kids are watching a movie and the other half are listening to harry potter and the goblet of fire. and a phone is being passed around for birthday wishes... a small sigh is manageable...

something kind of random that tends to bother me this time of the year is that i see so many people i don't usually see....and it is such a crazy, busy time.... it becomes hard when you hear, "so, how are you doing?" multiple times, to remember you're supposed to be pleasant when answering and not spout off the latest top ten things that are really, really stressing you out....that that's not really what people you don't see very often are asking. they're just being social and dumping on them is not the social way to respond. i can be a little morbidly intense and might every once in awhile take myself and the rest of the world a bit too seriously, but there has to be an honest way of dealing with this that doesn't make everyone look at me like perhaps i could use a little rest in a padded cell.

ok, purging is over for the night. hope i can breathe a little better. i think the glass of pinot noir i'm going to pour myself in a bit might help a little, too.
sweet dreams
peace

trucking along (without the truck)

snicker... this is a very clever title line if you have lived my life for the past four days. if you haven't, well, i'll try to explain, but it probably won't be as funny.

N drives a truck. well, it's an explorer...so it's truckish enough for me to call a truck. he lost his keys sunday. monday, he drove my van to work, spoke to a dealership nearby, had them make him a key based on his vin and picked it up monday evening. tuesday, i dropped him off at work and when he got out, he used his key to unlock his car and try to turn it on, but it wouldn't work. apparently, ford installed chips in all of their keys after 95 or 96, and since his is a 2000 (or somewhere thereabouts) it has this magic chip in it that if it is absent, well, the fuel pump won't work. soooo....N took my van to work again today, had our car insurance company tow his truck to the dealership, where they will reprogram a chip in a new key, and we can pick it up at our convenience. i LOVE that...at our CONVENIENCE....bahahhaha

i don't mind that N forgets and loses stuff all the time. he's a busy guy. i'm not ruthless or anything. but i do get a little impatient when we're all working to take care of this together and we have to put up with his pissy attitude...."i'm so pissed" he says a lot. i take this to mean "i'm so upset at myself because i lose stuff and then have to waste what free time i have taking care of the things i've lost...and then the fact that this is something i'm always getting after the children about is a little embarrassing, too..." but sometimes i wish he'd elaborate on his own. and be a little more forgiving to himself and maybe then to the kids. because he falls short as much as they do on this losing shit theme. i don't know why he doesn't put everything where it belongs, and i don't know why they don't. i really don't know why even though i don't put everything where it belongs, i tend to at least remember where i put it...just another one of my super powers (along with breastmilk making) i suppose. but it's just a fact of life. getting mad about it is like getting pissed off that the ground gets wet when it rains. (or your car seats get wet when it rains which is another thing that happens often to my husband...but if he'd put the windows up?...oh, i'm digressing...)

so that's how we're trucking along, without the truck. i bought enough food yesterday to make and freeze and whatever else meals for at least a week, if not longer. and we have to go out to dinner for the soccer party tonight...doh. i'm already baking a chicken for the broth and whatever else...and i'm going to make this turkey lentil soup, even if it is freaking 80 degrees out by the end of the week... pumpkin bread, banana bread. i've got some stuff to do. and the damned wallpaper..... yeah, trucking along...
peace

bounce

there's this little emoticon i like to use in a forum i frequent....it's the "bounce" emoticon. it's a purple smiley that laughs and bounces a little when it laughs. it's one i use a lot. i wonder if those mamas think i'm just so bouncy?

but i've bounced back a bit from whatever the hell was going on with my body yesterday. headache and then, man, my stomach got allllll out of whack. that was embarrassing....watching a movie with the family, only female in said family, so when everyone smells something, they're all blaming each other, and.... oh, i don't even want to talk about it....

but today is better. i am glad. does it make me weird to feel as though i somehow skirted death again? i don't know... my mind feels almost like a separate entity these days and some of the stuff it comes up with....i just put my hands on my hips and shake my head. (even though the indigo girls say it's not persuaded with your hands on your hips....it being the epicenter of love, you know...)

so lately e has been amazing his dad with his maturity and ability to understand things that N obviously just doesn't think e should be picking up on. (probably because N is not quite as "there" on some of that stuff as e is, but i think this can often be the mark of a good parent, right aimee?) anyway...we were watching "we are marshall" last night. and i told the kids that most of the football team would be killed in a crash in the beginning. (because they got really mad at me when simon birch died...only i didn't KNOW simon birch would die, but we'll just call it lesson learned because really, i didn't feel like pushing that issue while we were all bawling our heads off) so there's a rule in our family now...if i KNOW someone is going to die in a movie, i have to tell them. anyway.... e just kept asking, "why is everyone so sad?" well, at first, while he was watching the football, which we don't ever watch here at the house, he kept saying, "did that guy just die? what about that one? oh! did that guy just kill that guy?" and it was kind of funny to me because i had to explain that it often looks like people are killing each other on the football field, but they're fine, usually...it's just part of the game and that's why we play soccer and basketball and tennis in our family. (where's that bounce guy when i need him?) anyway, e just said it was kind of a sad movie because people were really angry and he didn't really like that part of it. (males getting angry instead of sad...what a strange concept....bounce) but e thought the rest was okay.

n and s stayed and watched the whole movie. o went and read on e's trundle for awhile. he was not so interested.

it's really weird to watch my family grow up. we are so different now than what we were even five years ago...hell, just two or three years ago. we are all so much better at handling our emotions....working together. just figuring out how to LIVE together. it is humbling. it is also a big freaking relief because there were days that we just couldn't keep going that way....we HAD to grow up.

so today, we'll do school. i'm going to remove some more wallpaper. we have rock climbing. we need to go to the grocery and return some movies. (and hell, let's get a few more...) and i need to cook us something reallllllly good. i think it will involve a splurge on boneless chicken breasts, some onion and garlic, maybe some carrot and celery....and i think we'll need some crackers, too. ooh....maybe i'll just throw some dumplings in it... ok, time to start list making.

peace

curling up

and taking it easy... my head has progressively hurt more and more as the day has worn on. the kids are kind of at a loss for what to do with mama calling breaks every twenty minutes to go lay down for ten....

a quick aside...they are loving the phantom tollbooth. it is so hilarious. there are so many things that i want to type out for them just because i know seeing it will make it even funnier. i can really tell we're going to do a lot with this book. if i can just take it easy and not get sick.....

peace

want ad....

oh, for the love of god, where's a secretary when you need one?... i am not such a good scheduler these days. i mean, i actually got the bills paid before the first of the month and i don't think i had one late fee this month, and i want a party for this...or a gift of appreciation or something.

i am so over scheduling this month, it's insane. but then i have all those nice little weekdays between the weekends to try to make my house look completely different from what it normally looks like. why do i do this? why does the possibility that old friends and possibly my mother and most of N's family coming to visit this month make me think i need to hurry up and paint my whole house, get some damned curtains up, and FIND MY BEDROOM FLOOR.....shouldn't it make me think i should just go ahead and start some preventative therapy?

so i told N we were going to focus on cleaning house this morning and today while he was at work. and the kids are sitting here on the video game (all three littles watching big bro playing zelda...kind of cute, really) and i'm reading blogs and blogging. there's a notebook here....maybe i should make a list. actually, there are notebooks all over my house so that if i have any thought i'd be unhappy to forget i can write it down.

there are many things i've been thinking about writing lately...

i want to write a review of a book the kids and i read together called "chasing vermeer" that we liked a lot.

i want to write about how adults pass their intolerance of themselves on to their children and that's why we should fear them sometimes. how we truly do have to learn how to forgive ourselves so others can....

i want to write about what a mindfuck this whole residency experience is...how sometimes my spouse totally insults me by falling asleep when i'm talking about how i wish our lives supported me like they do him...and then he wakes me up and tells me how much he loves me and am i sure i'm up for this? (uh, i'm sorry, I HAVE A CHOICE?!?!?! hehe, just joking...i know i do. but why the hell would i back out now?)

i want to write about how i was telling my oldest son that he likes the analytical part of learning something new, but doesn't want to do the menial repetitive tasks that are also required to master something....and how when i said that, my bil said, "that's how i am, too" and then i realized, we were all like that to some extent....

i want to write my 82 year old grandfather a card and tell him how much i love him and how much i think about him just because he's a wonderful person.

i hope my secretary's getting all of this...
peace

(can i just say that while spell check often doesn't like that i don't capitalize, well, anything when i write, i find it hilarious that spell check thinks "mindfuck" should be two separate words...yeah well....not this time)

sleep is for wimps

ok, not really....

we are tired people. N was on call last night, got off and came home at nine, went to o's soccer game (yes, he won his last game...woo!), we drove to s.a. to celebrate nephew's 1st birthday and nephew's daddy's (N's big bro) surprise 40th. now we're home again....yawn.

it was a nice time. it's good to share space with folks you love and who love you. familial love...the kind you don't always think about...but it's there when you all get together. usually comfortable. at least with N's family it is....

the kids had a ton of fun playing with their cousins and the other kids. it's wild to see everyone growing up... they are exhausted peeps, too.

all i have to say is THANK GOD WE GAIN AN HOUR TONIGHT....
good night
peace

a little concert for myself

so i've been listening to indigo girls most of today...when i wasn't at park day freaking over young male confrontation, uh, i mean playing.

anyway, so now i'm home, and although this is two posts in one day, i'm going to post some of my favorite clips of indigo girls singing songs...

this song is probably one of my favorites. i've always appreciated the guitar and vocals, and i always knew the song was a wisely written one, but it wasn't until i sat at a concert this past september listening, that the truth of the lyrics hit me in a new, tired, raw place and the tears flowed. i love this song...


ok, here's another one. i thought it was a great "drown your break up sorrow in a beer (or two)" song, but then i saw this video, well, my world was a bit broadened... if you're familiar with the indigo girls, the way they're dressed will definitely be weird to see, but to me, it just underscores how politically intelligent and committed these women are. whether you agree with them or not, i just can't imagine anyone being put out by anyone in in the music industry being willing to be a role model who has an opinion and is passionate about the world...


this song is just a beautiful one...


ok, now i'm just getting kind of sappy here, but this is a band called trout fishing in america and this is a lullaby....



ok, i fear i'm weighing my blog down with all these videos. but it was fun looking for them and i hope someone enjoys them at least a little... :)
peace and sweet dreams

crash landing

so...october was a pretty rough month. rough rotation for N (btw, so rough another resident--a MAN--gave N a gift certificate and told him he was doing a great job....that's like, so not manly, am i right? makes me think N must've been looking HORRIBLE there at the end for a GUY to notice and give him a gift? not ragging on the guy...i'm totally impressed. but it just struck me as, well, as remarkable). babies lost, legs broken, lawyers consulted. dogs put down, new ones acquired. gray hairs found. houseguest, oh goodness, i almost forgot we had a houseguest for four weeks!!! how quickly the mind pushes things out... brothers...oi, that's all i'm going to say about that. and nephews, too.

anyway... so november 1st finally came. and i was looking forward to the change in pace. N doing a new rotation, new hours, hopefully more sleep. and i think we're all going to get it. but see, when i'm landing from a rough time, i want to do it like, i don't know, something graceful. but instead, i usually "land" like those dodos in the cartoons...falling head over feet over head over feet.... of course, this is all psychic landing that i'm referring to. and i'm just not graceful in my psyche. i can be once i've landed and settled somewhere, but i do not transition well. (one of the reasons i suppose i've always felt at home working with autistic kids in my past.)

i took my dogs out last night and let them run around while i tried to get a grip on myself. cry, if that's what i needed. pray, if that's what i needed. relax...whatever. my face would get all screwed up like i was going to cry, but then i'd just feel tired. i wasn't really relaxing either, and i did pray some.

one of the thoughts i hit on that did seem to help was the realization that i'm not the things i do. see, i was pretty overwhelmed last month, so i was getting through it by focusing on doing. the house stayed somewhat kept. laundry got done. meals, for the most part, got cooked. i even beaded some. i ran. but i think life had become just a check list of what i'd done and if the list looked good, then i must be doing alright. and for some reason, last night, the thought crossed my mind that i wasn't those things. i wasn't laundry, done or undone. i wasn't a made or unmade bed, a clean or unclean bathroom. i'm not pets that are shedding and need to be groomed or a check that still needs to be mailed to the library. i'm not bills paid, money dwindling, or sil's who might or might not be pissed at me. i'm not vitamins, i'm not a treadmill, and i'm not "good" food or "bad" food, or recycled or not recycled. these are all things i try to make conscious decisions about, but they are also things that stress me out when i'm just trying to get through a really difficult time and, another thing i've learned this month, as my stress level increases, my attention span shrinks.

so it was liberating to have this thought float through my mind...just a little wisp of smoke. but i grabbed it and said it to myself out loud. and then the thought came, "well, then what am i?" oh, it's a scary time when a woman doesn't really know how to answer that. but i do know that i am a spirit that has a deep commitment to good...in myself and in those around me.

i think i am going to talk about God to my kids and put it in the context of star wars....the force being God. i guess anakin would be jesus, although jesus never really sold out to the dark side, but he did have his moment of doubt in gethsemane....i guess anakin's moment of doubt was longer. i don't know that it will be a perfect analogy, but i think as crazy as they've been most of their lives about star wars, it might give them a better context to understand what a relationship with God would be like. something a little more tangible, or a little less abstract. i'm not sure where this fits in with all that i've said up until now, but it was a thought i had last night, too.

all this to say i'm tumbling a little bit. but it's ok. we all tumble...sometimes together, other times not. but we all know what it feels like (even if our minds try quickly to push the memory out). and i have a fairly soft crash pad, once i can remember where it is. friends, family, mamas who love me and hold me up, even when i don't remember it or realize it. and i do the same, whether i remember or realize it. it is the magic of the force, uh, i mean the spirit. and it's what keeps me from flying away when i'm scared to land. so, uhm, amen....
peace

hallelujah, it's november!

last month was a tough one...i'm so glad it's over. this month has to be a little better....

my eyes are crusty and my sinuses are draining....woo-hoo, fun stuff. ok, so november will start a little slowly. i can handle that. i can definitely handle that.

my mil called yesterday. she misses us. almost made me cry. but we'll see her this weekend. i am constantly reminded by other women's horror stories about their mil's, what an amazing woman my mil is and how totally blessed i am to have gotten her as my mil... i have not always felt like a lucky person, but i must admit, i have always known i was doing far better in the mil department than most of my peers....

ok, that's all my attention span will let me get out. i have more to say, but i'm sure it'll wait for another day...
peace